My married lover is renting me a flat and l am devastated.

[findyourwayhome]

l know l will be shot down in flames. Please don't judge me too harshly. l have been seeing a man for just over a year. We are both trapped in marriages with zero sex and we met and made a semi formal agreement involving exclusive sex and no more. The trouble is that in the last few months we have both fallen in love with each other. One moment he wants to leave his wife and be with me, the next moment he is ending it with me. Now he has rented me a flat. l am confused and fairly devastated as this signals to me that that will be all he will commit to longer term. Should l walk away? We have both been in unhappy marriages for nearly 8 years now. Does he want the best of both his wife and me? Is this it?

and your husband might be a terrible man controlling and all the rest of it but he also doesn't deserve to be cheated on leave him

I know though family someone who was in this type of situation.

As others have said- Please don't move into the flat. You are your own woman, not chattel.

He will leave you high and dry. Don't fall for it.

It's all a bit Pretty Woman, isn't it? Is that how you want to be treated?

The OM can see you are conditioned for control and that you are vulnerable. In my opinion he thinks he can step right in and make you think he is going to save you. Truth is he's renting you as much as he is renting the flat. An optional extra.

You are no persons optional extra.
You can be happy alone.

You poor thing.

You are worth so much more than this.

It's going to take herculean strength to get you out of all this.

But you really do have to bin them both.

How do you live if you don't have money?

I truly despise people who say 'I'm trapped in a loveless marriage' and use it as an excuse for why they are cheating.
There is no reason why you need to cheat on your husband! You can walk away at anytime. He is not holding you hostage.
Stop wasting your time with both of these men. It's completely pointless, you do know that don't you.
Rent your own flat, move into it and start your new life on your OWN!
FFS it's not that difficult!
It's hurts like fuck I know but it will be for the best in the long run.

l do have housekeeping money.

FFS it's not that difficult!

It's not that easy either She's been with him since childhood and doesn't have any access to money other than through him. She can't 'walk away at anytime', it'll take courage and forward planning.

Do you have any friends you could confide in about this?

She's had enough courage and forward planning to conduct an affair for 12 months.

I had no idea that adult women used to be on someone else's (father's or husband's) passport rather than having their own, and I don't think you can be much older than me, OP. You learn something every day.

I agree that you should move out yourself and organise a flat independently. The last time I heard of a woman living as a kept mistress was when I read an eighteenth-century novel. I don't think it ended well.

l did go and see the CAB but the outcome was not good. l don't see how l can make ends meet. Also if l leave l have to take everything at once as he would just change the locks and not let me back in. l have been here for 30 years and the thought of walking away with not even enough to put a roof over my head terrifies me.

What's housekeeping money?

You have gone straight from your fathers control to your husbands protection and now to your lovers control/protection.

You know it's the wrong thing to do already. People are suggesting what you can do instead to be an independent woman. Are you able to see yourself that way? Do you feel confident that you could run your own home, support yourself (bearing in mind that state financial help is available)?

There's no point in asking for this advice if you just can't imagine that state of affairs. Take the advice given above to contact some advisory services.

Are there any children involved here?

X post with the OP.

If you divorce after a long marriage you will get 50% of the marital assets, so probably enough to buy a flat, if you currently own something. Try a more specialist agency than the CAB.

do you expect your married man to keep you what did you expect to happen if you go to the flat your husband wont let you have anything then either, I know having no money is terrifying but it shouldn't affect your happiness what did CAB say ? talk to womens aid they can help yo put together a plan use your time seeing W A rather than shagging some man who wants to keep you

If you divorce after a long marriage you will get 50% of the marital assets

Even if she has contributed nothing?

you have been married 30 years you are entitled to assets he cant leave you peniless do you own the house

Even if she has contributed nothing?

Yes

You'd be entitled to equity from the house, you are entitled to all your possessions and you will be better off than you think. Do you work?

marriage is an equal partnership

Housekeeping money is money for food and supplies to keep the house running!

wombles - don't be an idiot. You know full well what housekeeping money is.

womblesofwestminster - why are you saying she contributed noting?
that obviously doesn't make sense as law say othervise

Do you have children?