My married lover is renting me a flat and l am devastated.

[findyourwayhome]

l know l will be shot down in flames. Please don't judge me too harshly. l have been seeing a man for just over a year. We are both trapped in marriages with zero sex and we met and made a semi formal agreement involving exclusive sex and no more. The trouble is that in the last few months we have both fallen in love with each other. One moment he wants to leave his wife and be with me, the next moment he is ending it with me. Now he has rented me a flat. l am confused and fairly devastated as this signals to me that that will be all he will commit to longer term. Should l walk away? We have both been in unhappy marriages for nearly 8 years now. Does he want the best of both his wife and me? Is this it?

A woman still relies on men this much, in this day and age ? Really ?

End your marriage, free your husband

Good luck

X post

women's aid to free yourself

You are not trapped in your marriage.

I think, on the limited information you've given, that your marriage is dead. So now is the time to take steps to end it.

Then live alone for a period, preferably whilst on a break from the mareied man. I suspect you might then realise that the man you think you know now has been illuminated by the false light of the 'affair bubble'. When you see him for what he is, you might not even like him.

Don't move into the flat. Sort out your finances and property yourself as an independent woman with choices.

How do you know what his marriage is like? He is lying to his wife. Do you think he is not lying to you?

Best of both worlds? You have been having sex with this man for a year while choosing to stay with your husband. Why? Did you want to have your cake and eat it, too?

I feel sorry for your husband and his wife. Both being lied to and cheated on for a year.

You think you feel crap now? Imagine how you'll feel when his dw or your dh find out?
Infact imagine how crap they'll feel?

If you hate your marriage then you should end it regardless of what this man wants from you. Both of your spouses deserve better. Everyone in this situation your describing deserves better than they're getting

You seem to be drawn to controlling men.

So you're still quite young then? This is the opportunity to start standing on your own 2 feet away from controlling men, and yes the OM is one too, do you seriously think he's going to let you just live in his flat condition free? Sorry but you will end up being a convenient shag when he feels like it and being stuck there hoping that everyday he will tell his wife that it's over between them.
Live your own life, stop letting people live it for you.
Women's Aid will be a good start.

Do you work, op? Why have you never had a bank a/c?
I know lots of couples pool resources (myself and DH included), but I don't understand how you lived pre-this relationship without one.

no, not posted here before. but l had heard from a friend l would get quick and balanced answers quickly. l needed that!

This isn't a good way to get out of your marriage it will only add to your problems.

this man is manipulating you to stay at his service he does not love you really he would leave his wife if he was so unhappy he wants you all nicely tucked up in a flat so you are at his back and call , I can only echo what others have said please stand up for yourself stop having sex with this man and go your own way if you do not love your husband leave him and go out on your own

Why do you rely on men so much ? Have you not got a mind/life/will of your own ?

If you want different (maybe more balanced, maybe harsher) answers to your issue, try the Relationship section. However, give all the information (about your H and your OM) in the OP to avoid getting a pasting.

l have been with my husband for over 30 years, when l left home to marry l didn't have a bank account. l didn't even have a passport, l was put from my father's passport onto my husbands passport back then so l could go on honeymoon.

was your marriage arranged you can get your own passport do you have a job how do you manage to meet this man ?

Put money in your bank account. Call Women's Aid. Leave your controlling husband, who you no longer love.

This other man is a red herring and irrelevant.

You need to sort out your own life before you get involved with anyone else. Until you are comfortable in your own skin, in your own environment and have a healthy dose of self-respect, you will keep stumbling from relationship to relationship where men treat you like shit. Other people treat you the way you expect to be treated.

Look after yourself, get a fulfilling and meaningful life of your own.

Sorry, I thought you had only been with him for 8 years since you were 16! Total brain fail. So you have spent your entire adult life being beholden to one person or another. Do you not think that this is a good time to be your own woman? If your marriage is dead then leave it. The OM will never leave his wife, I bet she doesn't even know she's in a loveless marriage!

Do call Women's Aid and start looking at a plan to leave your husband and start a life without him or the other man. it would be good for you to look into doing the Freedom Program to help you start living your life for you.

Your problem is that you are looking for a man to rescue you, rather than leaving your husband and getting your own shit together.

Stop relying on other people to make you happy. This man is not the answer to all your problems, he is just a new set of problems.

l don't have a job but l have use of a car. l have my own passport since they changed the rules about spouses on passports many years ago.

Oh dear. My exH told the OW that our marriage was over! Shame he hadn't told me at any point! He could be stringing you a line, having his cake and eating it.

Still, I don't suppose you care.

Oh ok i do apologise i misread your post , I do think you should give womens aid a call and find out your better options please do not consider being with this man he is not comited to you if you manage to leave your husband then if he leaves his wife then it is on equal terms not you allowing him to be with you and her ,

I feel sorry for you OP, it sounds like a miserable situation, and obviously it won't be easy to strike out on your own if you've been with someone for over 30 years since you were a teenager.

Contact Women's Aid regarding the financial situation. I would advise you to leave your husband if the situation is as miserable as you say it is, although obviously that's easier said than done. However, WA will be able to point you in the right direction and help you to take those first steps.

DO NOT move into your lover's flat; it just moves your dependency from one man to another. Go no contact with him and tell him you cannot be with him while he is in a relationship. I suspect he will stay with his wife because he sounds like a spineless coward, but at least you'll know where you stand.

Good luck.

You need to forget the new man for the moment (well forever really) but for the first time ever I am going to say you need to leave your marriage, it isn't right for your husband to have thst much control.