Dealing with awful passive aggressive MIL

[YummyMummybee]

Basically to cut a long story short, DH & I have been married for 3 years & I have had ferocious issues with MIL.... She treats me completely differently to my 2 SIL's, she treats them with respect, talks highly of them &whenever I call over always happens to say they call these days, were over for dinner etc however I am never invited.

Dh has 3 brothers & my dd was the first girl in the family for over 100 years,rather than being doted on by grandma she keeps making the point she never wanted a girl, only wanted one to "dress up", all men want a son much more than a woman wants a daughter etc etc.... Its ridiculous & petty plus we were delighted to have a healthy child we didn't care about gender & we worship our little princess who is named after my mom & my grandmother which did not go down too well....

She wore a white maxi dress & hat to my wedding...

Tries to pick an arguement with me when ever she can..

Hates my mom coming up to spend time with my daughter & hates me going home to my moms

Dh has tried to speak to his father about it but the bottom line was I was being oversensitive.... Dh knows I'm right though so no point in going down that route again..

I feel the only way to cope is to avoid her & not leave her know whats going on in our lives... We only live 10 mins away. I used to really try & make the effort but it seemed the more I tried the more power she felt she had & would use it to belittle me & make me feel incompetent... So now I feel the less she sees of us as a family the better...

Also I am expecting dd2 & after dd1 was born & named after my mom we told MIL dd2 if she ever arrived would be named after her.... We have now decided to use 2 names we both love & not use her name at all even for middle name, I have to take a stand & I'm no longer accepting being treated like an outsider & an imbicile... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

OP just tried to PM you but it's not letting me - maybe you have to allow that function under settings?

Festive, my pm's are ok, would appreciate any advice you can offer!

Can you cut down to seeing her once every three weeks and if she says anything tell her that she doesn't give attention to dd anyway, so didn't think it would make any difference to their relationship.

She is clearly very deeply jealous that you have had a girl. She must have had huge hang ups with her boy only family years back and it's odd to still harbour such strong feelings now.

I actually do that love15, she hates the fact I'm so close to my own mom, who is in her 70s & lives 4 hours away but comes up to see dd every fortnight or else I would go home for a week. It drives her insane!! Also love15 my other 2 SILs both had girls too after mine was born only a few months between the 3 of them but they are exempt from all the comments as they both had sons first.... When one of my SILs daughters was born, MIL said I presume you will be passing on all x's clothes & equipment. My dh said I looked visibly shocked which I was at her cheekiness but I replied calmly "we are hoping to ttc fairly soon & there is a 50% chance next baby will be a girl & we will need the equipment too & besides alot of her clothes were given to me by my sister & are not mine to give away". She replied, hopefully you will have a boy next for your DH's sake!!!!

God she really is a vicious bat with some serious hang ups. Can't PM you OP don't know why, might be a site problem. I don't want to go into details but I have seen first hand how damaging this behaviour can be to someone exposed to it as a child. Please keep your DD away from this.

YummyMummy...you ROCK!

Thanks festive tablerunner, will be giving MIL a very wide berth, won't have my dd's suffering at her hands. My sister thinks she is trying to antagonise us into entering into some petty competition with other In-laws for her attention & affection, I don't care what she's trying to do we won't be participating!
Picasso, I am getting there slowly but surely!!!

Hi everyone, me again, so upset.... We are going home to my mothers for Xmas so had to call to in-laws as they wanted to give pressies to dd, well her presents consisted of a 2 pack of leggings & 2 pack of bibs from primark & a plastic teaset from tesco, grand total of £15. She said oh we knew she wouldn't be needing much as she has enough already, we already know she asked other SIL's for a list of what their children needed. I said very graciously, thanks very much & dd say ta ta to Nana for the pressies. I was not going to be drawn as I actually think she wants it to be broached so I appear materialistic etc etc, my poor DH is so upset & mortified, I wouldn't blame him but don't want we have said we are not going to lower ourself to her level as it seems clear she wants an issue made of it. But again I cried & cried on the way home due to the injustice of it all.... My heart is breaking for dd.

Oh no, very sorry to hear that.

It sounds as if you handled it brilliantly with her though - you didn't rise to the bait, and you made sure your DD thanked MIL politely for the gifts. to you, sounds horrid.

You know what she is like, accept it and do what you need to do to stop being hurt. She can only treat you how you let her treat you. Either stay clear or have it out with her and tell her how you feel. Doesn't sound like you have anything to lose.

Well if she favours other GDs, she only makes herself look bad.

Can't remeber how old your daughter is, but she might enjoy the teaset?

15GBP sounds an OK sum of money to me tbh.

Thanks for mshe, still v upset, we know she has spent alot more on the other grandchildren, she had made comments before about "how much"dd has & how she doesn't "need" anything, other grandkids taken to expensive Santa experience etc so it is extremely unequal...

This isn't a problem unless you make it one. Don't let your DD see you upset over this.

How are the other GC financially. Do they struggle compared to you?

Look OP I really feel for you but you know what she's like. You need to reduce contact to the absolute minimum and be determinedly unconcerned. If she pulls that shit again better to be almost sarcastically over the top. 'Wow, MIL bitch from hell, how incredibly generous of you. Isn't this just amazing DD? Aren't you lucky to have such a generous GM!' etc etc. She'll get the point and can't say a damned thing about it. Then smile at her nicely with a look in your eyes that says, 'You are a cunt MIL. You know that's what I'm thinking. What are you going to do about it?'

Stay away from this woman. And BTW the presents themselves sound okay (you'll have people who won't bother RTT and will wade in telling you off for being grabby). I know it's the bigger picture that's annoying you.

Back waaaaaaaay off.

Ultimately she is only going to damage herself. Your SILs will have noticed this bizarre behaviour and judge her accordingly. Your daughters will recognise that Granny is a dismal old bitch, of their own accord and steer well clear. She'll end up lonely and avoided. That is my experience, anyhow. My XMIL was like this. My present MIL is wonderful, thank God.

BTW you seem to be a lovely person. Don't be heartbroken, she is absolutely not worth it. Your daughters will see what a lovely granny is in
your DM and recognise your MIL for what she is. x

Put as much distance you can between yourself and your MIL. You must protect you DD (soon to be DDs ). This is essential. Your DD may not know what's going on now but she will very soon.

My mother used to do this with my DSs. DS2 was the scapegoat. He wasn't even 3 years old when, very subdued, he asked why his grandmother didn't love him. She destroyed his self-confidence at such a young age. I cut contact with her and put DS2 into counselling. It helped a lot. He still suffers from a lack of self-confidence but he's much more confident than he was, and much more relaxed and happier for not being in contact with his grandmother.

Something to be aware of. Your MIL will be as dramatic with your SILs. I'm sure she will "big up" the one SIL when visiting the other. This creates tension and drama within a family group and ensures she remains the point of contact at the heart of it. (Think spider in a web).

You do not need this rubbish.

Ah it's just upsetting as it's dd's 1st Christmas as well as 2 of the other grandchildren, blingbang one set of GD very well off(but understated & unholy) other set same as us(but have the poor mouth always complaining about money). The gift in itself is perfectly adequate but a patch on what others will receive. If people have read thread from start they will know this is only another incident in a long line against poor dd, I really feel she wants me to rise to the bait nbt she'sanother thing coming, we will be avoiding like the plague &,when I see her Ill just be indifferent, cool, calm & collected, aaaaah I hate her!!!

You know what she's like, WHY do you keep going back for her to slap you in the face again?!

Divinity that is shocking but Im all too aware of how it could happen at such a young age, all children want id love & approval & when that's not met their self esteem is dented & they feel inferior. Good on you being proactive with the counselling & glad to hear your dd is doing well x Im determined my dd's will not be put through the same anguish, it's terrible to witness & as dd's mom up to.me to put an end to it without rising to the bait which is what she wants X