Dealing with awful passive aggressive MIL

[YummyMummybee]

Basically to cut a long story short, DH & I have been married for 3 years & I have had ferocious issues with MIL.... She treats me completely differently to my 2 SIL's, she treats them with respect, talks highly of them &whenever I call over always happens to say they call these days, were over for dinner etc however I am never invited.

Dh has 3 brothers & my dd was the first girl in the family for over 100 years,rather than being doted on by grandma she keeps making the point she never wanted a girl, only wanted one to "dress up", all men want a son much more than a woman wants a daughter etc etc.... Its ridiculous & petty plus we were delighted to have a healthy child we didn't care about gender & we worship our little princess who is named after my mom & my grandmother which did not go down too well....

She wore a white maxi dress & hat to my wedding...

Tries to pick an arguement with me when ever she can..

Hates my mom coming up to spend time with my daughter & hates me going home to my moms

Dh has tried to speak to his father about it but the bottom line was I was being oversensitive.... Dh knows I'm right though so no point in going down that route again..

I feel the only way to cope is to avoid her & not leave her know whats going on in our lives... We only live 10 mins away. I used to really try & make the effort but it seemed the more I tried the more power she felt she had & would use it to belittle me & make me feel incompetent... So now I feel the less she sees of us as a family the better...

Also I am expecting dd2 & after dd1 was born & named after my mom we told MIL dd2 if she ever arrived would be named after her.... We have now decided to use 2 names we both love & not use her name at all even for middle name, I have to take a stand & I'm no longer accepting being treated like an outsider & an imbicile... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

You seem to be handling situation pretty well at the moment, OP. Apart from that, avoid her as much as possible. Who on earth would want to spend years fending off & having to think up responses to barbed comments? Why should you have her blight you anyway? You'll get no thanks for it and with your own little family to care for, you've got enough to do without putting up with passive aggressive nonsense. I wouldn't put up with it at all. Stuff that - its not as if she's your mum either, if I were in your situation MIL could fuck right off, life's too short to engage in dealing with other people's crap which is designed to make you feel like shit. You owe her nothing. If she can't be courteous just sidestep her, and leave her to stew.

Marrying a man doesn't mean you're honour bound to put up with obnoxious relatives - whoever that relative may be. Too often women are advised, or expected to be, enablers, stressing themselves by struggling to keep the peace with non-peaceful people. Why the hell should you, exactly? & she'll probably try to blight your DCs with her gaslighting too, as they're growing up.

Your DH sounds lovely and supportive.. sensible man. Congrats on your pregnancy

Hi op, I'm so cross for you & your beautiful daughter, also, MIL is causing stress that you don't need during your pregnancy.
It took years of nasty comments-both spoken & written & awful Xmas/b'day stuff going on before I realised: the problem wasn't me personally, MIL would have been like that with anyone my DH married. No, the problem was MIL' s relationship with her DS.
I had the whole MIL prefers BIL' s many girlfriends & their children thing. I took it all personally, as you do, but actually, the problem is that she can't accept that her DS has married & had a family of his own & for some warped reason, she sees that as a challenge to her domination of him. Jealousy over the fact that you've had a girl seems likely, but that's her problem, not yours.
Any news, like baby names, is given by your DH & let him tell her that it's his choice - even though it's not. It just removes you from the line of her vitriol.
As for you & your lovely DDs, avoid & ignore, let DH have a relationship with her if he wants one. If someone at nursery school later on was doing this to your DD, you would stop it from happening, this is no different, but it is for your DH to sort out, you keep away.
Make a decision to step out of her firing line & then leave her & your DH to work out their solution to her warped relationship issues

I think naming your DD2 after someone who will most likely treat them with distain is a bad idea for their self confidence if nothing else. Hold strong on the name front OP. Also if you're seeing her less, she can kick off all she likes, you don't have to be there to hear it.

I detest this old fashioned assumption that daughters in law must 'pop 'round', or telephone, or otherwise take responsibility for cultivating a 'good' relationship with their mothers in law. There is no such obligation placed on men to do the same with their wive's mothers. If you get along, well, great. If not, then shrug them's the breaks.

I'd back off completely with no guilt or feeling of obligation whatsoever.

She is one nasty witch! Personally when she was discussing Santa with your SIL I'd have said something along the line's of "I'm assuming you're not inviting my DD as you dont seem to like her or me...don't worry about it we wouldn't want to go with you anyway! "But then I Am a stroppy cow.

You can't 'feminise' your FiL's name can you?

And is it worth carrying on going round so your DDs can see him?

Actually OP maybe two can play the favouritism game? You seem to like your FIL so make sure you keep in touch with him & as NannyOgg has suggested try & use his name somehow. As for Xmas presents, well I know which of them I would be getting the nicest present for. See if she likes it when you do to her what she does to your child.

She sounds desparately jealous and insecure.

My MIL is a bit sometimes (I realise now) though is generally very nice and thoughtful, and I have a good relationship with her though sometimes it feels like we're talking in different languages, often talking at cross-purposes and misunderstanding one another. I don't find this happens with anyone else, people generally understand me perfectly!

Recently I was in a fancy dress costume and other women were coming up to me and saying I looked stunning, but MIL thought my outfit was hilarious

Duck

Interesting description. It was like that with my old boss. She didn't like me for some reason 9nothing to do with me). I've never seen it articulated like that. Thanks

Sorry for the hijack OP. You are doing really well.

Just say you will name the baby after her b if it's boy s v she loves boy.
Deal with her type with humour.

Thanks again for all the advice again, greatly appreciated. Feeling alot more empowered today & feel a huge sense of responsiblity to protect my dd's(now I know how mama bears feel!!!). Like was mentioned above it is akin to schoolyard bullies except bully is 64 & poor little victim is an infant... Yep we have both agreed to give her a wide berth. As it turns out both SIL's children are being taken to this Santa Experience, DH found out from his other brother their children were invited too, we thought it was only 1 set of grandchildren not 2!!!!

:( that kinda does it then really doesn't it?

These people are not good enough to be in your lives love, enough is enough.

Yep Hissy that was the icing on the cake!! Yea, enough is enough, we have enough love & affection for our dd & future dd, they will have to face enough negative people & situations growing up,its part of life unfortunately, we need to shelter them from what we can prevent i.e MIL..

I'm glad your DH sees her for what she is, must be very hard for him too but he's doing the right thing in supporting you and DD.

None of you need people like that.

Well done to both of you.

You could always find out the info on the Santa Experience and tag along yourself. "SURELY you wouldn't have excluded your granddaughter?"

OR, go spend the day with FIL and when she comes home simply stand up and say "well, time to leave. Bye FIL".

OR, advise FIL and be honest one day (preferably DH would do it and she'll be most hurt) "MIL you are a hurtful person. We know you're doing it on purpose and we don't want our wonderful daughter treated like shit you scraped off your shoe for the rest of her life. When you grow up, look us up. Oh, and btw. We're having another daughter and like HELL she'll be named after you. We already love her too much for that!".

Ugh what a bitch.

Glad you're feeling a bit more fighty and positive! Keep your dd away from a person who wants to damage her self esteem. Be the mama bear! Feel the mama bear! Grrrr

All this is going to really hurt your DH, when it sinks in he's going to really feel it.

Encourage him to talk if he wants to, and accept that he'll wobble and waver, but this christmas you'll all be doing your own thing, and mil can suit herself.

I think if he were to go and see his dad while mil was away and tell him that he's had enough of his mother's treatment of his dd and his wife, that of fil can do anything to stop it that'd be great, but that there will be no further contact with her. Fil has achance to do something to help, if he wants access for himself that's fine, but I the situation as it is won't be allowed to continue.

Just re-read the OP. :(

Fil won't do a thing will he, your DH will end up losing both his parents to this.

I'm sorry, I know firsthand how shit this is. It's the worst pain in the world.

I still think it's worth having the conversation and ending contact with mil though, it might shake her you (as a unit) kind of have to go through the exercise of doing everything you can, for yourself, and your own peace of mind.

Again, i'm so sorry. :(

Have you looked into Toxic Parents (or inlaws) books? They might help you both respectively.

OP I'm so sorry. You need to protect your daughter and keep her away from the in-laws. Perhaps it's best to either have the conversation and confront or write a letter from you and your DH and let him explain the content.

If you do see you MIL and your DD is trying to get her attention with 'nanny nanny' you and DP need to be 'in it together' as a unit and call MIL on it or say something like 'your granddaughter is talking to you, didn't you hear?'

Have you spoken to Relate or any other counselling services? You and your DP could go together and get some advice, help and perhaps some tips on how to deal with such an emotionally abusive woman.

Haven't read the whole thread, (sorry) but I wonder if a totally different approach might help matters?

I would laugh at your MiL when she says such negative things about having a daughter or when she claims your child has everything. Not sure what I would say, maybe something along the lines of, "Oh yes - well little girls need spoiling don't they?" and do it with a smile. Total rebuffs where she gets no negative reaction from you is possibly the best way to go.

I would also not name DD2 after her; no need to explain other than to say you and DH changed your minds. She doesn't have to like it does she?

Finally, I wouldn't go NC but would just limit seeing her to only times when FiL will be there and DH too and I would make these fairly rare events.

Don't make this woman the star of your life story - put your energies into the people that matter to you and if you can then feel sorry for this tragically bitter woman.

All great advice above thanks x All communication, texts, calls etc have been to FIL for some time & it really seems to drive MIL crazy to be kept out of the loop. Yes we are not budging on the name new dd will be Matilda Florence, we love it & will make no apologies for it. I never like her name anyways but as mentioned she threw her toys out of the pram when we called dd1 after my mother & my grandmother so we said next dd would be after her to keep the peace....Christmas this year will be spent 4 hours away with my family as we had always planned it to be. Actually going to try & avoid in-laws completely in the run up & after Xmas, will be tough on dh but I won't be stopping him from calling if he wants but me & dd won't be there..... Xenadog love this-great quote!
Don't make this woman the star of your life story - put your energies into the people that matter to you and if you can then feel sorry for this tragically bitter woman.

Yummy I am genuinely angry and horrified by the latest incident. It makes me feel sick to think that an adult would behave like this to her own grandchild. Very glad your DH is on side but he will waver. You on the other hand must not. This woman's behaviour will really damage her when she is older. You need to keep her safe.

I know funnyfestive, I won't back down, I'm not having dd's growing up feeling unlovable or inferior because of her & her issues towards Dh & me. We have discovered the way to really get under her skin is to exclude her, she went crazy when we told her our baby news after I had my 12 week scan as she knew my mom knew well before then but as we said it was our news to share with who & when we felt like it.

Your latest update is awful- your poor DD.
Well done for standing firm. She isn't worth it.
As a previous poster said though, this will really, really hurt your DH- you must support him and be sympathetic for him and make sure your DM treats him like royalty He won't understand why she is being like this- or why FIL is enabling this behaviour. I second the advice on the book Toxic Parents- It helped many of my friends.

Thanks Chrismoose, I'll check amazon for it & order it on the QT, dh has asked I don't discuss MIL with him anymore as it just angers him, fair enough, I would feel the same if it was my mum so I need to put myself in his shoes but bottom line he wants the best for our dd's & he knows how importance a good sense of self worth is to get you through life so is willing to do what it takes to ensure dd's self-esteem remains intact throughout her childhood.