Dealing with awful passive aggressive MIL

[YummyMummybee]

Basically to cut a long story short, DH & I have been married for 3 years & I have had ferocious issues with MIL.... She treats me completely differently to my 2 SIL's, she treats them with respect, talks highly of them &whenever I call over always happens to say they call these days, were over for dinner etc however I am never invited.

Dh has 3 brothers & my dd was the first girl in the family for over 100 years,rather than being doted on by grandma she keeps making the point she never wanted a girl, only wanted one to "dress up", all men want a son much more than a woman wants a daughter etc etc.... Its ridiculous & petty plus we were delighted to have a healthy child we didn't care about gender & we worship our little princess who is named after my mom & my grandmother which did not go down too well....

She wore a white maxi dress & hat to my wedding...

Tries to pick an arguement with me when ever she can..

Hates my mom coming up to spend time with my daughter & hates me going home to my moms

Dh has tried to speak to his father about it but the bottom line was I was being oversensitive.... Dh knows I'm right though so no point in going down that route again..

I feel the only way to cope is to avoid her & not leave her know whats going on in our lives... We only live 10 mins away. I used to really try & make the effort but it seemed the more I tried the more power she felt she had & would use it to belittle me & make me feel incompetent... So now I feel the less she sees of us as a family the better...

Also I am expecting dd2 & after dd1 was born & named after my mom we told MIL dd2 if she ever arrived would be named after her.... We have now decided to use 2 names we both love & not use her name at all even for middle name, I have to take a stand & I'm no longer accepting being treated like an outsider & an imbicile... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

I also wouldn't tell her about not using her name any earlier than necessary. It makes you equally passive aggressive as though you are telling her early to have a pop at her.

Just wait until the baby has arrived and announce it then. If she asks, you can say whatever you've chosen to say at that point.

You're handling it beautifully!

'Name her after you? After you've spent so much time telling us all how disappointed you'd be if it were a girl? I don't think so!'

'You know, MIL, for someone so content with having four boys and no girls, you don't half seem obsessed by it. Anyone would think you had a bit of a complex about it! And there we are - when you say a son would be better - and we just laugh about it as we honestly couldn't be happier!'

And do you know what's a REALLY good option when you get the snide remarks, like that about the Christmas presents? Do a MASSIVE grin, as if you're trying to stop yourself laughing. A sort of 'I could have guessed you'd make a nasty remark there' grin. She'll probably snappily ask why you're smiling - and then you can say, half-laughing 'Oh NO REASON! There really wouldn't be any reason to smile at the thought of my daughter being slighted - would there?!' And then REALLY laugh.

She'll know you know what she's doing... but that you just find it sad and ridiculous.

The dress was white, it says so in the OP.

no no Buggy, maxi dress to wedding = fine

white dress = not fine (would exemplify the mother of the groom wanting to be the bride, many many shades of ick)

Poor you, OP

OP - I would say that you are doing brilliantly so far. My MIL was virtually the same - I won't go into it all but she was on a par with yours and always criticising me behind my back. The last straw was when she had the keys of our house when we were away and she took back a present she had given to our DS and gave it away to a cousin of hers. Seriously. It was a beautiful farm with a tractor and animals and she just left the animals behind and said that our DS had so many toys that he didn't need it and she had made a mistake giving it to him. We lived just down the road at that point.

We then moved and the only way I could cope and deal with her was just to be polite at family occasions but I stopped phoning or taking the DC to see her on my own. It was not obvious to other people because I acted normally when I was around her. We used to do lots of family parties at our house but DH and I stopped because of her vindictive comments behind my back. Now 10 years on she is an old lady and has lost all her nastiness! She doesn't talk behind my back anymore and is desperate to be my friend. She is not really very well and this seems to have changed her.

I think you should just retreat a bit, withhold information from her that you know that she will twist or use against you but just be polite and nice to her. Stop phoning her, if you do so now and don't see her unless other people are around. Also don't ask her for anything.
As for the baby's name, you don't have to explain anything to her at all, name choices are yours and your DH's alone and if she asks why you didn't use her name, then either say you changed your mind and smile sweetly or that you have forgotten that you ever said that you would and apologise!! In the end she will have no ammunition to use against you (if you see what I mean).

People like this get their power from your responses, the worst thing you can do is try to please them. Ignore the old bitch and if you are in her company, call her up on any nasty comments she makes.

If she says something horrible, tell her that it's a horrible thing to say, if she tries to belittle you for having girls; "how horrible of you mil, you're just jealous because you never got any, just because your parents were disappointed with you..." if she challenges you on not naming your new baby after her; "you've been so horrible to dd and no doubt will be equally nasty to this one, who wants to be named after someone who treats them like shit? it's not a nice name anyway..."

Be a bitch. People don't treat bitches they way you have been treated because they bite back. Practice assertiveness, what you're going to say in reply to her comments, get in touch with your inner cunt.

What Trooperslane said. That. I'm a bit at the posters saying, ooh it will upset her, that's unkind of the OP to offer and then withdraw. Fuck that, MIL clearly doesn't rate girls so I think it's a win win with not naming DD 2 after her.

You are doing brilliantly, I admire you, OP.

My mum had similar problems with her PIL. I was their only granddaughter out of four grandchildren and my mum was never forgiven for not producing a son as her first born. I don't remember what they were like with me before my brother was born, but I grew being very aware of being treated differently. DB would get a £10 note in a Christmas card, I would get a £5 note. The last time either of us received something from Granddad (Grandma passed away years ago) DB got a £5 note, I got a £2 coin. Makes me laugh now as it really was that petty, yet obvious.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I really am sick of being a doormat & being treated differently from the other SIL's due to my own lack of assertivness for so long... It's amazing the amount of posters who can relate to this...
Saminthemiddle something similar happened me. MIL bought my DD a 2 pair of white tights in Debenhams to match her christening robe I was touched as she didn't really give too much in a way of a gift. A few weeks later she asked for one of the pairs of tights back to give to SIL in case they needed a pair for their little girls christening, unbelievable, !!!!! The favourite SIL was due a girl 3 months after me(this girl completely acceptable in MIL's eyes as they already have a boy!), she arrived with a cardigan she knit for SIL's baby she told me it wasn't knit for my DD & would I pass it on once she had grown out of it!!!
Yes she wore a white maxi & huge white hat to my wedding, my friends & family were gobsmacked, in fairness it was quite laughable as she accessorised with a leopard print jacket & wedges & to this day we still talk about her bizarre ensemble!!! She thought my own mothers beautiful elegant Mother of the Bride outfit was "old-fashioned"!!!
Since my last post I have still avoided, I am still nervous about the whole name issue, as mentioned it's our own fault as we had said we would name next DD after her after she kicked up such a fuss after we named DD after my mom & grandmother. I think it's prob best not to say anything announce DD2's name & leave it at that? So far we have refused to really discuss names & said we haven't decided...

Update,so upset..... Well the latest with MIL as follows. We had to go for dinner with Mil & Fil on Wed, Mil was ok, but someone commented on how tall my dd was & his dd is 2 months older but not as tall. Mil didn't like my daughter being complimented so she said you should see my other granddaughter she's 3 months younger than x but is a fine well-fed child. I replied that daughters seem to take after their mothers & I am a petite build so my daughter takes after me & she has inherited my fine features too, hehe!!! She was fuming but it shut her up.
This evening we called over as dh had to collect tools from his dad, while there she showed us homemade xmas crackers she made for her grandsons which she said were filled to the brim with goodies she was picking up all year, then SIL called in & she started asking SIL when she could take her kids to the Santa Experience exhibition in town, she was so excited & couldn't wait to bring them. I bawled on the way home, really feel for my little girl, imagine if she was old enough to understand the exclusion. Feel angry at myself for being there in the first place but thought I better be the bigger person & make an effort with her for hubbys sake seeing that its Christmas, sorry I bothered... Oh & also while we were there she kept saying she really hoped her other grandson would call as she had a door mat that said hohoho & she couldn't wait to see his face, all while my dd tried her best to engage "Grandma"(to no avail), heartbreaking to see her gorgeous little face smiling at this woman blatently ignoring her... God in tears again here...

OK, so you need to stop putting yourself and your daughter in a position where she can hurt you. Esp your dd(s).

Your dh can, of course, go and visit if he so wishes. But surely he wouldn't want his family in the way of such constant snubbing?

Yummy: Avoid going to your MILs.
Going to dinner was bad enough, but you could have let DH call round on his own tonight.

Reduce contact with her.

I don't mean this critically, but the more you go there the more upsetting it is.

I know, I was doing so well, we were actually on the way to friends when dh had to collect the tools so would have looked strange if I had stayed in the car with dd... So upset, everytime I look at dd I start getting tearful,I am just thankful she doesn't understand... Yes strengthening resolve again as we speak, usually she makes my blood boil but tonight she went too far....

Why are you having anything to do with this nasty, spiteful woman. Cut her out of your life for good.

What was your dh's reaction? Is he prepared to go No Contact with his mum over her shitty attitude to you and your dd?

You really have to lower your expectations of her to avoid getting emotionally sapped. It took me years to learn this but now I don't give a toss about anything! MIL's poor relationship with myself and her grandchildren is her loss. I find the things she does laughable and my friends/DH and I often have a good cackle about them regularly.

Stop caring. Expect nothing. Change your attitude to her actions. At the moment she is getting the reaction she wants from you.

One thing that really helped me was creating physical/mental distance. So seeing them less and also concentrating on the kids in her presence.

No, he's not unfortunately, he understands my point of view but he says he wants his parents to see our dd & see how great she is etc but he was really upset to see me so distraught about her tonight. My FIL realised MIL trying to antagonise me tonight & when she started discussing the whole Santa experience told her to leave it for God sake.

What a spiteful, ungrateful cow.

It's time you cut the bullshit. This has to end. Next time she does something like this I'd have to pull her up on it - the time for niceties has long since passed. Either that or don't give her the opportunity. No contact. Your DD is growing up and soon she'll be able to see if for herself, which makes me feel really angry because she deserves loving grandparents.

What's your DH said?

Tapiocapearl, thanks for the advice too, I had distanced myself for 2 months & felt great, actually forgot about her completely & felt great freedom now I'm sorry I put me & dd in the line of fire again... My heart really does break for dd:(

Your DH is wishful thinking, it's a shame. Your DD could be the most amazing child in the world (and im sure she is to you) but if the MIL isn't interested there's nothing any of you can do. She could be the next child prodigy and she wouldn't care because this stems from something much more deep rooted. Its not you, its not your DD, it's her. There's something inherently wrong with her. Maybe discuss how soon your DD will be old enough to see it for herself, if he doesn't like you being in tears over it how will he feel when it's his daughter? :(

Are you really willing to let this continue and let your DD be treated as second best?