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Original poster

Dealing with awful passive aggressive MIL

179 replies

YummyMummybee · 21/11/2013 13:57

Basically to cut a long story short, DH & I have been married for 3 years & I have had ferocious issues with MIL.... She treats me completely differently to my 2 SIL's, she treats them with respect, talks highly of them &whenever I call over always happens to say they call these days, were over for dinner etc however I am never invited.

Dh has 3 brothers & my dd was the first girl in the family for over 100 years,rather than being doted on by grandma she keeps making the point she never wanted a girl, only wanted one to "dress up", all men want a son much more than a woman wants a daughter etc etc.... Its ridiculous & petty plus we were delighted to have a healthy child we didn't care about gender & we worship our little princess who is named after my mom & my grandmother which did not go down too well....

She wore a white maxi dress & hat to my wedding...

Tries to pick an arguement with me when ever she can..

Hates my mom coming up to spend time with my daughter & hates me going home to my moms

Dh has tried to speak to his father about it but the bottom line was I was being oversensitive.... Dh knows I'm right though so no point in going down that route again..

I feel the only way to cope is to avoid her & not leave her know whats going on in our lives... We only live 10 mins away. I used to really try & make the effort but it seemed the more I tried the more power she felt she had & would use it to belittle me & make me feel incompetent... So now I feel the less she sees of us as a family the better...

Also I am expecting dd2 & after dd1 was born & named after my mom we told MIL dd2 if she ever arrived would be named after her.... We have now decided to use 2 names we both love & not use her name at all even for middle name, I have to take a stand & I'm no longer accepting being treated like an outsider & an imbicile... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
MoominMammasHandbag · 08/12/2013 19:37

Can you not say innocently "Gosh MiL, surely you are not playing favourites here?" And see how she responds?

Original poster
YummyMummybee · 08/12/2013 19:39

So true, dd is still only a baby & we have another little girl on the way so I think its best to cut the ties now. How can a grandparent be so cruel, its just beyond me, Baubles it's so true, dd could be Britians Next Top Baby & it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to her... I can't talk to my SIL's even though I get on well with one & we would have playdates most weeks, I'm smart enough to know she's not an ally & she plays up to MIL no end. Also MIL hates our playdates & tries to get my 2 SIL's up to her house with the kids excluding me & dd of course... Feel very isolated..

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 08/12/2013 19:54

Don't feel isolated, feel relieved. Would your really be willing to play her game just to stay in favour?

Back2Two · 08/12/2013 20:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster
YummyMummybee · 08/12/2013 20:05

I tried for long enough chippednailvarnish, basically feel isolated as we moved when dd was born as DH wanted to live near his family, my family live 4 hours away & I don't have many friends out this direction. I have a good relationship with one SIL(not on a good enough basis to bitch about MIL) but MIL tries to jeopardise this as best she can so SIL plays ball with MIL. After discussing now with DH he agreed we will just go back to the way we were doing our own thing. He is upset about it but obviously she wasn't happy to see our dd when she kept saying she was hoping her other Grandson would call & making plans with SIL to bring her 2 kids to the santa experience....

OP posts:
cees · 08/12/2013 20:07

She is a horrible cow.

Original poster
YummyMummybee · 08/12/2013 20:10

Exactly back2two, alot stems from jealousy & how close I am to my own mam, I just have to get on with it & cut her out. It would be easier to stomach if the other SIL's were treated the same but she has so much time for them. DH does realise that it won't be long before her contempt for me passes on to our dd & new dd...

OP posts:
cees · 08/12/2013 20:12

Are you happy living there Yummy, would it be better for you to move closer to your own family and have more support rather then hope one day dh's mum will wake up and take an interest.

MickeyTheShortOne · 08/12/2013 20:15

honestly- disengage. Dont put your daughter in harms way- when she is old enough she will understand, trust me. tell DH that this is not fair and you will no longer participate in family get togethers unless she is pulled up on her behaviour.

alternatively, tell her to fuck off Wink

whens dd2 due? congratulations!!

MickeyTheShortOne · 08/12/2013 20:18

or, kick her in the fanny.

cees · 08/12/2013 20:21

And don't worry about what she thinks of the name because you or dh will simple text the rancid old bitch with the news, do not let her bring you down by talking to her. She has lost all her privileges with treating your daughter like shit.

cees · 08/12/2013 20:23

Yeah I second kicking her in the gowl Xmas Smile

CombineBananaFister · 08/12/2013 20:33

Do you know what? you tried to be a better person. You were going to offer her name to your child in honor. You've probably sacrificed your morals and principles. Stop trying , you are a nice person who has a nice DH who happens to have a shit of a mum. stop trying to fit in. draw a lign and stick up for your Dcs. they mean more to you and she doesn't deserve your compassion. you tried cut your losses. No-one should say they prefer boys to girls, a happy healthy child is what counts. she sounds bitter and twisted and manipulative. Be polite for dhs sake but seriously stop worrying about it, she doesn't deserve it, you'll never please her.

Kundry · 08/12/2013 20:34

At what point is your DH going to tell her to fuck off?

And for goodness sake, next time stay in the car. Avoiding someone who is rude to you does not look weird. Her behaviour on the other hand looks appalling. You would not have been the weird one by staying in the car AT ALL.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 08/12/2013 20:35

howl @ kick her in the fanny

Hissy · 08/12/2013 20:47

Gloves off now love!

Tell her to never ever talk your dd down in any way shape or form, or you won't be responsible for your actions.

Don't let her anywhere near them. Game over.

Finola1step · 08/12/2013 21:06

You have been incredibly accommodating and given your MIL chance after chance. But maybe enough is enough, finally.

She sounds very narcissistic and no matter what you do, you can not change her. Your dd will one day in the near future will begin to sense that she is treated differently. It is your responsibility to protect her from it. And the new baby. It might be time to think about planning a move away.

To put this into perspective for you yummy, I was in your dd's position all the way through my childhood (sort of). My mother was raised by her step mum from the age of 8 and had it drilled into her that she should be ever so grateful. To the extent that my Nan (she was never referred to as step in any way) treated myself and my two sisters so differently and it was so obvious but my mother's sense of gratitude stopped her from preventing it.

I forgave my mum for this a long time ago because she was emotionally manipulated by that woman for so many years. Through my teenage years, I detested my Nan. But those feelings eventually faded to a sense of indifference. When she eventually passed away when I was 35, I felt nothing. I went to the funeral to make sure she was gone and I felt relieved.

Do whatever you have to do prevent your dds experiencing that rejection from their own biological grandmother. She should be ashamed but she won't be. But you will be in years to come if you let this continue.

Finola1step · 08/12/2013 21:12

I should make it clear that my Nan treated myself and my two sisters differently from our cousins who were her biological grandchildren. This I actually could accept. What I have never understood is why she treated us like pests to be disciplined but our full cousins (who were also not biologically related to Nan) who she never saw from one year to the next, were treated like princes. We had to suffer this each and every week as she demanded that we visited her without fail.

Run yummy run like the wind with your dd under one are and your newborn dd (when she's here) under the other. Smile

MommyBird · 08/12/2013 21:15

Oh my!
Your daughter was trying to get get her attention and she ignored her?
That would be it for me.

She exculdes her from things and ignores her. why on earth would your dh want to put his own daughter through that?!

Ignore her. It will get worse and your DD will catch on.

Hissy · 08/12/2013 21:37

I missed that bit about the ignoring the little girl.

:( my heart broke.

Love, stop contact now, otherwise your dd will realise when you stop seeing her GM and will miss her.

Stop this now and she won't.

Holdthepage · 08/12/2013 22:04

I really don't know why you are bothering with the old bat & letting her upset you. You seem desperate for her approval for some reason. She doesn't seem worth the effort to me.

2rebecca · 08/12/2013 22:36

She sounds awful, and if she was wanting to spend alot of time with your daughter and take her to things I'd be concerned as she isn't a good influence.
I'd have very little to do with her, don't get upset your daughter isn't getting fussed over, be grateful she isn't wanting to see more of you and you can back out of her life. Stop trying to make her like you, and don't get upset because an unpleasant woman doesn't want to spend time with your lovely daughter.
You seem to see alot of them considering you don't like them, cut it down to every month or 2.

Original poster
YummyMummybee · 08/12/2013 22:45

Thanks so much for all the advice, I guess I'm not looking for approval just for my dd to be treated like the other grandkids & for me to be treated like the other SILs. We don't see much of them Rebecca just the family meal during the week & today when DH had to collect the tools. We have talked calmly about things all evening & have decided we are our own family, our precious dd's are what we care about & obviously she really didn't want to see our dd today when all she kept talking about was wanting her grandson to call & then when other SIL called making plans in front of me about Santa, the exclusion did upset me but what was heartbreaking was DD laughing, cooing,clapping & waving at her & saying hohoho when she spotted Santa on tv, all blatently ignored....

OP posts:
WaitingForPeterWimsey · 08/12/2013 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YummyMummybee · 08/12/2013 23:17

No unfortunately Waiting, my hubbys job is near where we live & I work about 30 mins away so no point in moving, just have to keep ourselves out of the firing line. Would love to have one interaction with MIL but FIL is such a lovely man & he genuinely worships my dd, but whereever he is, she is unfortunately.....

OP posts: