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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My first wedding related AIBU

93 replies

toolonglurking · 21/11/2013 11:33

My friend is getting married in Spain next year. I have been invited to the wedding, but they have a 'no ring, no bring' policy.

My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years, we cannot afford to get married at the moment and live in a flatshare so do not want to get engaged yet. We have discussed at length and are both happy with this and would rather get our own home before we marry, although we would both really like this to happen soon as it is difficult living with others etc.

Am I being utterly unreasonable to be feeling really tearful and crap that he is not invited, and I would have to go to a wedding on my own and be surrounded by lots of happily married couples, when we have been together longer than almost all of them!

note - I/we can't afford to make a long weekend of it, so I really would be going alone. Flights are about £200 return, plus car hire and hotel, so probs a £400-500 round trip.

I know I am being a but unreasonable, but am I being totally unreasonable to be hurt?

OP posts:

moogy1a · 21/11/2013 11:36

"no ring no bring" wtf is she on about?
She really only wants married couples there?! tell her to jog on and don't go.

angelos02 · 21/11/2013 11:36

YANBU

They can't expect people to travel abroad for their wedding & leave long-term partners at home.

You're no less committed just because you aren't married.

I've never heard of a 'no ring, no bring' policy.

LoganMummy · 21/11/2013 11:36

I would be hurt too, especially as you've been together so long.

Personally I wouldn't go. That's a lot of money.

moogy1a · 21/11/2013 11:37

Sorry, I posted without thinking it through properly. That should read tell her to fuck off.
And yabu to think yabu

DameDeepRedBetty · 21/11/2013 11:39

Has it not occurred to her that since you two intend to marry in due course, that means you're engaged?

Get your DP to put a pretty ring onto your wedding finger and wave it in her face!

Chrysanthemum5 · 21/11/2013 11:40

I've never heard of a 'no ring, no bring' policy. Is it to stop people bringing brand new partners?

Actually, it doesn't matter what the reasoning is - it's just rude. I wouldn't go. But, I'd be very grateful that your friend has shown you what sort of a person she is, and the value she places on a ring. At least you know in advance she's going to be a smug married so you can avoid her!

mummymeister · 21/11/2013 11:40

go down to asda. buy a curtain ring. put it on your engagement finger. hey presto you have a ring you can now bring. if she is making up a stupid rule like this then you should e mail her with a picture of said ring on your finger saying look what my partner bought me an engagement ring so now I have a ring can I bring.

GiveMummyTheWhizzer · 21/11/2013 11:41

Thats ridiculous - YANBU! Don't go.

conkercon · 21/11/2013 11:41

FFS I think I have heard it all now! YANBU and your friend is just, I actually don't have the words. Now you have to be married or engaged to attend someone's wedding (I assume an engagement ring would make you worthy to attend)? I would suggest getting yourself to Clares, getting a nice cheap bling ring and see what she says to that.

zatyaballerina · 21/11/2013 11:43

yanbu, if she wants people to go to the trouble and expense of travelling for her wedding then she should be accommodating to their partners. You can't afford it and you'll be alone, what's the point?

angelos02 · 21/11/2013 11:43

Could you talk to her & say how you feel?
10 years is a long time to be together. Plenty of people marry & divorce in that time!

magesticmallow · 21/11/2013 11:44

What a crock of shit!! So you have to be married to get invited as a couple?? what the actual fuck?? Do not go, do not feel guilty and do not bother with her as a friend, gobshite

BlackbeltinBS · 21/11/2013 11:45

It is of course her wedding and she is entitled to apply whatever rules she likes.

You on the other hand are equally entitled to tell her how you understand she doesn't want random plus ones there, but your boyfriend is not and you are extremely hurt by his exclusion and the suggestion that the two of you do not have a serious relationship, and that given the cost and time you would spend going to her wedding, you're not going to do so alone. You're then entitled, depending on her reaction, to never speak to her again.

pinkdelight · 21/11/2013 11:46

Why would you go? Pay all that cash to have a shit time? I'm not a wedding fan anyway, but that sounds particularly shite. And if you took your partner it'd cost even more and for what? If it's your idea of fun, go. Otherwise, fuck it off.

LaRegina · 21/11/2013 11:49

'no ring, no bring'?

Well doesn't the bride sound a charmer! I wouldn't go.

MimiSunshine · 21/11/2013 11:49

You can't afford for you both to go so would be going alone no matter what anyway! Then YABU to be upset that he isn't going.
However you are definitely NBU to be hurt by the way she invited you. That's the daftest rule I've ever heard. No partners they don't know fair enough but to actually define it by the have (engagement / wedding) and have nots is offensive.

I don't really know what you can say to her as you can't afford for him to go anyway but keep in mind that she may change completely post wedding

Leopoldina · 21/11/2013 11:49

why on EARTH would you have a shit time at a party someone's throwing in Spain with all your ;mates just because your partner's not there? you'll have a ball. Why does it matter for one weekend? Maybe they don't know him / get on with him and have invented the rule. Whatever the reason, you're presumably quite grown up enough to go and have a great time on your own

absentmindeddooooodles · 21/11/2013 11:50

What a twat!

I get that people may need to keep wedding costs down, so cutting plus ones or v v new partners seems a swnsible way to do it.

However you have been together 10 friggin years!! Regardless of a ring or not you come as a couple for events like this...especially one so far away and expensive.

I wouldnt go tbh. Say that you and your partner cant really afford that kind of money right now and would rather spend it on something ypu can do together.

Quoteunquote · 21/11/2013 11:50

How very rude,

I've been with my husband for over twenty years, but only married for the last seven, we popped out of work one lunch time and got married secretly with a couple of friends for witness, then had a "wedding" months later, which everyone came to.

At no point in our relationship would either of us felt an invitation like your friends acceptable, not that I have ever had such a rude invitation.

say no thanks and send a card.

FayeKorgasm · 21/11/2013 11:51

Well she won't be married until part way through the event anyway. So how does she work that one out? Sorry I'm being facetious.

She is being unreasonable. TBH I can't imagine it being a very enjoyable occasion if she is so rigid and uptight about partners. I wouldn't go. She sounds horrendous.

absentmindeddooooodles · 21/11/2013 11:52

Ok that made it sound like I couldnt fathom going anywhere without a partner.....not the case.

If they dont know/get along with him. Then fine. If its just because you are not married then I stand by my forst post.

I could have a lovely time on my own in spain for a few nights, but that wpupd be replacing any chance of a holiday for me so would rather go with partner.

Lilacroses · 21/11/2013 11:53

OP that is absolutely horrible of your friend. I am really shocked and of course YANBU. I wouldn't go. Partly because of that and partly because of the money. I have heard of some rude, inconsiderate invitations but that takes the biscuit!

SlightlyDampWellies · 21/11/2013 11:54

No ring no bring. Is that an actual phrase people use? That is just obnoxious.

TalkativeJim · 21/11/2013 11:58

Reply with this:

Stupid tests? No guests.

cantbelievemyeyes · 21/11/2013 11:59

Urgh, YANBU to feel hurt as your friend is being an arse. However it's generally accepted that people getting married have the right to do whatever they want on their 'big day' because it's all about them. Regardless of how unreasonable they are actually being and how many people they might hurt in the process.

In this situation, I would decline the invitation, wish her a happy wedding day/ life, and spend the £500 on a nice trip away with your boyfriend.

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