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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My first wedding related AIBU

93 replies

toolonglurking · 21/11/2013 11:33

My friend is getting married in Spain next year. I have been invited to the wedding, but they have a 'no ring, no bring' policy.

My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years, we cannot afford to get married at the moment and live in a flatshare so do not want to get engaged yet. We have discussed at length and are both happy with this and would rather get our own home before we marry, although we would both really like this to happen soon as it is difficult living with others etc.

Am I being utterly unreasonable to be feeling really tearful and crap that he is not invited, and I would have to go to a wedding on my own and be surrounded by lots of happily married couples, when we have been together longer than almost all of them!

note - I/we can't afford to make a long weekend of it, so I really would be going alone. Flights are about £200 return, plus car hire and hotel, so probs a £400-500 round trip.

I know I am being a but unreasonable, but am I being totally unreasonable to be hurt?

OP posts:
cantbelievemyeyes · 21/11/2013 13:14

I don't know when it became so common to completely disregard the feelings of your close friends and family when it comes to weddings, but I'm in the wedding industry and see so much of it. I do think couples should choose the sort of day they would like where possible, but the fact is that sometimes causes problems in other important relationships which can be hard to resolve. I know of couples who loved their wedding day, but do regret making the choices they did with hindsight.

Sadly couples (and in most cases brides specifically) get so caught up in the idea of arranging an event that revolves around her completely that they can't see the consequences clearly.

RafflesWay · 21/11/2013 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

attheendoftheday · 21/11/2013 13:20

Don't go, I wouldn't.

Dp and I are not married, because I don't want to get married. We have been together many years, have a mortgage and two dds. I would be offended if a friend implied our relationship was not serious because we have made a different decision re marriage to them.

WaitMonkey · 21/11/2013 13:53

Well I wouldn't go to a friends wedding abroad, or even in the UK if it was going go cost hundreds, so I wouldn't be going anyway. But you are NBU, what an odd idea.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2013 14:55

My aunt and her partner have been together almost as long as I can remember (a loooong time). Would they be excluded because your friend is a plonker?

Don't go.

whattodoo · 21/11/2013 15:02

That's genius! I'm going to adopt the same policy, meaning my maiden aunt can't bring the 'family friend' who's been tagging along to celebrations for decades.

Im going to get culling right now. This is going to make a huge saving on our budget.

Oh, wait. My nearest and dearest won't be offended will they?

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/11/2013 17:59

omfg - never heard of that - how stupid Hmm

i can understand not wanting couples who havent been with partner for long, but the fact you live together and been together for 10yrs means you are committed

def dont go and spend money on a nice holiday for you and dp

NoComet · 21/11/2013 18:21

Words fail me and that doesn't happen often, what a bitch!

mistermakersgloopyglue · 21/11/2013 18:26

Op is 'no ring no bring' something she actually said or is it just something you have applied to the circumstances?

Either way, it's awesome! Grin

MorrisZapp · 21/11/2013 18:31

At what point did she use the words 'no ring no bring'?

How do you know that this is her policy?

BettyandDon · 21/11/2013 18:32

I imagine she either is looking for a way to reduce the guest list / cost and / or just doesn't think you are that serious a couple. If you are in a flat share with others I can imagine she may think the latter. I do think thats slightly unusual after 10 years to be sharing with others if I read that correctly. Either way she is not valuing you much and in your circumstances I wouldn't bother going. Are there many other couples with 1 partner excluded?

mylittlesunshine · 21/11/2013 18:33

I wouldn't go personally. We got married a couple of months ago so I have an understanding of costs etc and trying to limit numbers but I would never do things that would upset or offend my guests. That is just plain weird, rude and that is the worst expression I have ever heard!

I invited partners of my guests even if I had only met them a couple of times because they are special to my guest and my guest is special to me. I have friends who got engaged after being together 6 months and I have friends who have been with their partner 11 years and never married how can anyone say one partner should go over the other just because there is a ring involved.

tinselkitty · 21/11/2013 18:35

I understand the principle of not giving everyone a +1 if they're not in a serious relationship, saves money and people scrambling around to find a date for the wedding.

However, no ring no bring is just fucking rude. I have a few very good friends who have made a decision motto get married, money etc not and issue they've just decided not to. I'd hate for them to not have been at our wedding because of that.

on that principle our wedding would have been void of all our friends as we were the first to get married

barmybunting · 21/11/2013 18:42

What on earth... Has she actually said that phrase to you/on the invites (no ring, no bring)? I have never heard of it, it sounds hideous!

Don't go!

SomethingkindaOod · 21/11/2013 18:42

YANBU, this sounds like the tip of a huge bride/groomzilla-ish iceberg of the type that only reveals itself at the actual wedding... I would put money on it not being the only thing they're going to be difficult about.
Save your money and go somewhere nice and sunny with your OH.

Thurlow · 21/11/2013 18:46

This is hilarious. The most obvious wedding YANBU thread imaginable.

We're not married and have absolutely no intention of ever getting married.

I may subtly suggest this policy to any 'friends' whose wedding I want to avoid.

GlitteredPinecones · 21/11/2013 18:47

Shock YANBU at all

DH offers this for you to say to them- "You're cunts of course; it'll end in divorce"

FryOneFatManic · 21/11/2013 18:51

I would definitely decline and explain exactly why.

DP and I are not married and probably never will be, but we have been together for nearly 27 years.

I would be very, very offended at an invite that stated "no ring, no bring".

Original poster
toolonglurking · 22/11/2013 09:46

BettyandDon - we are still in a flatshare because before I met him, I bought a 4 bedroom flat, with the intention of renting out rooms to help pay the mortgage. I then met him, and he moved to my town to be with me, and we can't afford to move out at the moment, but should be able to next year when I am able to renegotiate the mortgage - can't wait!

mistermakersgloopyglue - Yes, 'no ring, no bring' were the exact words used. I am quite sure that they didn't mean to be so hurtful, and I completely understand that they need to draw the line somewhere, but I know couples who will be going who have been engaged for a few weeks, together for a couple of years - yet at 10 years together, our relationship doesn't count because we can't afford to do what we want yet.

I have decided not to go, I will respond just saying 'wish you all the best, unable to attend' - I would love to tell them to piss off, but I will be seeing them both at another weekend (that my boyfriend IS invited to!) a few weeks later.

I'm tempted to suggest that he give my seat to someone else's partner unfortunate enough not to have a piece of metal to validate their relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
toolonglurking · 22/11/2013 09:49

Sorry - at another wedding, not weekend (although it will be on a weekend!)

OP posts:
specialsubject · 22/11/2013 11:05

don't go. How rude.

BTW you can afford to get married, a licence and the register office stuff is about £100.

grubbybrat · 22/11/2013 13:51

I take it the bride doesn't have any gay friends, then?

HoratiaDrelincourt · 22/11/2013 14:03

I appreciate the "no randoms" principle, but "no ring, no bring" is just distasteful. Presumably one's first experience of a wedding should be as a bride or groom then? Confused

Is it clear that she means wedding ring, not engagement? Weirdo.

In any case, you can't really afford to go - same rule but in your home town would be a different proposition. I think you should decline along customary lines and do your best not to get into details. If she does push for an explanation, "I can't really afford it, especially as we would have to make it our main holiday and DP isn't invited".

Aquariusgirl86 · 22/11/2013 14:22

I wouldn't go at all, what a stupid rule!

Didactylos · 22/11/2013 14:30

hmm - I am married but neither of us wear rings
(plus we decided to spend that part of our budget on drink Blush)
would I get invited do you think?

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