My first wedding related AIBU

[toolonglurking]

My friend is getting married in Spain next year. I have been invited to the wedding, but they have a 'no ring, no bring' policy.

My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years, we cannot afford to get married at the moment and live in a flatshare so do not want to get engaged yet. We have discussed at length and are both happy with this and would rather get our own home before we marry, although we would both really like this to happen soon as it is difficult living with others etc.

Am I being utterly unreasonable to be feeling really tearful and crap that he is not invited, and I would have to go to a wedding on my own and be surrounded by lots of happily married couples, when we have been together longer than almost all of them!

note - I/we can't afford to make a long weekend of it, so I really would be going alone. Flights are about £200 return, plus car hire and hotel, so probs a £400-500 round trip.

I know I am being a but unreasonable, but am I being totally unreasonable to be hurt?

I wouldn't go. If you are going abroad for a wedding then you want your OH to go too particularly if money is tight, you should decline but don't tell her why if you don't want to. But you are not unreasonable to feel annoyed that he's not invited.

I don't see anything wrong with inviting one half of a couple to a wedding - regardless of how long they'd been together - if I didn't know someone well enough, I wouldn't want them there. But I also don't see anything wrong with declining an invitation to an overseas wedding that OH hadn't been invited to. Works both ways.

Without a doubt, the biggest problem here is the way she's described it. No ring, no bring I WANT TO PUNCH HER!!! My friends have applied a no partners thing to their weddings in the past (much more sensitively than you describe, I must add) and it's always been fine. Some have been to weddings where their husbands weren't invited and they were happy with that because it had all been explained sensitively in advance.

I wouldn't bother telling her how you feel, as it could be that she's had other people explaining that they're similarly hurt by her decision and it'll piss her off. I'd politely decline as you would with any other wedding invitation and IF she asks why, then perhaps you can explain that her wedding would be instead of a holiday and you couldn't justify going without OH.

It might be that she'd rather invite your OH than have neither of you there - and if people have already said they can't make it, there might be room for both of you. Also, she's more likely to reconsider inviting your OH if you accept her point of view than if you kick off because you feel as though your OH deserves an invitation. No-one should feel as though they 'deserve' a wedding invitation - long-term relationship or otherwise. Accepting their stance - ridiculous label and all - will position you more favourably if they're able to add OHs later down the line.

On this basis (no ring, no bring) my gay cousin and his partner who had been together 30 years would not be invited. Glad you are not going. We had a "rule" that we had to have at least met the other person but otherwise left it up to our guests to judge how important their partners were to them at the time. We invited one or two very long standing (married) couples who ended up divorced subsequently! (not our fault but no relationship has a guaranteed future is my point).

Why don't you pretend to set the date in advance of her wedding, consider a fake wedding in Antigua or somewhere similar and then send her a fake invite with the 'no ring, no bring'. When she says she can't make it because you have committed the ultimate faux pax of having a wedding the same century as hers you say 'no worries, dh and I will see you on your big day instead so'.

That is really fucking weird. And rude.

I wouldn't go on principle. And I am married. But I am not completely defined by my marriage.

I wouldn't be worrying about not offending them on the off chance that they might decide my partner could make up the numbers after people whose relationship the couple has sanctioned had declined.

The no ring, no bring thing would have made me reassess my friend and position him firmly in the 'a bit of a git' category

So they are having small wedding, do they assume that a ring meshes husband and wife together, so they only need one seat.

I am just adding my voice to the chorus of WTAF?????
YASooooooNBU
How ridiculous. It's like some kind of marriage apartheid.
!

What a fucking cunt she is. I wouldn't be going.

Oh you are so very NBU, on the 'no ring, no bring' alone, which is possibly the wankiest thing I have ever heard. How do people come up with this shite? What, if your rudeness is phrased in the form of a rhyme, it is acceptable all of the time?

I'd love to know how to apply this to our wedding. DP's best man is living with his partner of 5 years, they have 2 children. She and I have become good friends. But I suppose, best man would supercede good friend, so long term partner and mother of best man's children? Sorry, you're out. My cousin has been with her partner for 24 years, they have 5 children, but 'no ring no bring', so adios, man I have known most of my life and is like family to me. All of my gay friends? Sorry, 'no ring no bring', even though you have been with your DP for years and I'm very fond of them. Ridiculous.

I am not someone who won't attend an event without my DP, in fact the nature of his work means that I attend most social events without him. But this would piss me right off.

Wank.

I have been with DP for 15 years, have 3 kids, a mortgage and a dog.

I have no ring.

What nonsense. Your friend is barking.

It's outrageous. I'm outraged on your behalf.

Glad you're not going.

Stupid (lack of) invitation, and ill thought out way of issuing it.

Me and DH got married in August. We chose to do it in this country because we really wanted all the friends and family we invited to be able to attend and many would not have found the money for flights plus we wanted my dad to marry us as he's a CofE vicar. However, this country or abroad wouldn't have made a difference, we wanted people to be able to bring a guest, and definitely a lt partner. Though it was a big day for us we wanted everyone who came to enjoy it and feel as comfortable and welcome as possible so if they didn't know many/any others we felt bringing a guest, especially a close partner, was important. We kept the cost down in other ways, mum and I made the wedding cake, my mum and one of my best friends created the dress and because we couldn't afford a posh dinner we had a picnic reception where we provided some bubbly and nibbles but ultimately guests bought their own food/drink. We had a brilliant and beautiful day without huge expense. I just fail to see why someone would implement a 'no ring/no bring' rule. How ridiculous. YANBU.

I have just googled "no ring no bring" and I am sorry to report it crops up regularly on birth bridal forums and articles
blogs.telegraph.co.uk/culture/hattiechamberlin/100070707/no-ring-no-bring-how-to-exclude-bores-from-parties/

That should be both not birth - birth certainly not acceptable to these types without a ring!
No marriage, no baby-out-yer-undercarriage?

Total bollocks I wouldn't go either.

Can you just text and say that you have decided not to go as you can only afford one holiday this year and would want to spend it together. Explain that you tend to do things together having been a couple for so many years.