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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My first wedding related AIBU

93 replies

toolonglurking · 21/11/2013 11:33

My friend is getting married in Spain next year. I have been invited to the wedding, but they have a 'no ring, no bring' policy.

My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years, we cannot afford to get married at the moment and live in a flatshare so do not want to get engaged yet. We have discussed at length and are both happy with this and would rather get our own home before we marry, although we would both really like this to happen soon as it is difficult living with others etc.

Am I being utterly unreasonable to be feeling really tearful and crap that he is not invited, and I would have to go to a wedding on my own and be surrounded by lots of happily married couples, when we have been together longer than almost all of them!

note - I/we can't afford to make a long weekend of it, so I really would be going alone. Flights are about £200 return, plus car hire and hotel, so probs a £400-500 round trip.

I know I am being a but unreasonable, but am I being totally unreasonable to be hurt?

OP posts:
Casmama · 21/11/2013 11:59

Does the silly bitch not realise that at the beginning of their wedding neither she nor her husband to be would be entitled to be there?

I really would tell her that you are not coming and feel that she has shown a side of her that means you can no longer be her friend- what right does she have to judge the quality of others relationships on that basis?

PosyNarker · 21/11/2013 11:59

YANBU

DP and I have been together 10 years (I have ring though, but does she mean engagement or wedding only Confused ) and I would be heartily pissed off if I was told we weren't committed because we're not yet married.

I can understand a 'no randoms' policy, but surely you get round that by addressing your invites to individuals e.g. 'Ms TooLongLurking & Mr TooLongLurkingsDP' rather than offering blanket plus one?

(As an aside, I hope she doesn't have any friends like one of my old school friends was in her younger days. She's in a committed relationship these days, but from about 16 - 25 he must've been engaged at least 5 times. The record was 3 weeks after meeting and that was in her early 20s. But he bought a ring, so not a random, right? Grin )

Maybe she didn't think it through. Ask her? 'DP and I have been together longer than some married couples, does your 'no ring' policy apply'?

It sounds from your OP that you can't easily spare the money, so if it does, I'd be tempted to decline and spend the money on a nice weekend away with your DP.

monicalewinski · 21/11/2013 12:00

YANBU. Nothing else to say really!

oscarwilde · 21/11/2013 12:02

You could tell her:
its your "policy" not to attend pretentious overseas weddings at vast expense to the guests - have a nice day!
it's your policy to only attend weddings of friends of both you and your DP given the expense and time away from work, and the duration of your relationship.
"Thank you for the kind invitation. Unfortunately I will be unable to attend. Yours etc Toolonglurking" No further comment or explanation.

MadBusLady · 21/11/2013 12:04

Wow, I would burst out laughing. "No ring, no bring", really?? Is she usually horrible? If she isn't I would be suspecting she's trying to exclude a specific person and hasn't thought about the knock-on effects on other people. But that doesn't get you very far, since the specific person might be your DP for all you know. I wouldn't go.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 21/11/2013 12:05

so have the bride and her DP never been to a wedding together?

bleedingheart · 21/11/2013 12:05

Stuff like this makes me cringe. So vulgar and me-me-me!

What TalkativeJim said!

No ring, no bring?

No class? I'll pass!

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/11/2013 12:08

Wow, i wouldnt go to this wedding of the year for the sheer rudeness, against a relationship that has been together for a decade.

princessalbert · 21/11/2013 12:08

AWw my post went astray.

YANBU OP.

I have never heard of no ring, no bring! I assume it is to prevent guests bringing along +1 who no one else will know?

Have you actually received a paper invitation? With just your name on? If not, then maybe it isn't applicable to you, who has been with your DP for as long or longer than many marriages!

If it is the case -then I wouldn't go.

Use that money and time, and have a weekend away somewhere special , just you and DP. 'Friend' can enjoy her wedding with all her 'married' friends.

Pah!

uncomfortablydumb · 21/11/2013 12:10

Also never heard of the ring/bring thing.

YANBU. I understand why you are upset, and if I was you, I wouldn't go. It's a big expense, and a lot to ask. I imagine you won't be the only one who will choose not to go.

It will probably upset the bride, as she does sound a bit zilla-ish, but hopefully when she's come round after the event she'll realise what a donut she was. But if she is aware of your desire to get married yourself & your current inability to do so, she may well just put it down to you being bitter and not think she is being a cowbag at all.

ErrorError · 21/11/2013 12:10

YANBU, your relationship has been going on longer than a lot of marriages do. How insensitive of your friend. I've never heard of 'no ring, no bring' but I'm not so keen on the idea of exotic location weddings because of the awful family politics involved. Fair enough if you're from that country, but my ex used to say he'd want to get married on a tropical beach. I knew that would mean my parents (and Mum in a wheelchair) couldn't afford to go, but his response was 'well they don't care if they don't make the effort.' Bollocks. More couples should care about making weddings accessible to their loved ones, if they truly want them there. Otherwise I'd have just eloped anyway!

Sorry, bit of a tangent rant there. I say talk to her and if she sees sense she'll make an exception for you, but it's still a lot of money so there's that to consider yourself.

catsmother · 21/11/2013 12:10

Regardless of whether you can afford for two of you to go, or, whether you'd feel uncomfortable on your own - or actually quite excited at the prospect (!), the fact remains that the wording of the invitation is crass and rude and illogical. It'd be quite possible to be very good friends with both halves on an unmarried couple for example - in which case, how do you decide which half gets to go ? (I can also bet that at least some of the "happily marrieds" in attendance probably can't stand each other, are having affairs, are planning on separating etc).

It actually shows, IMO, that this woman's not such a good friend after all because she's showing no regard for the individual circumstances of people who are supposedly her good friends. If that's the best option she can come up with for pruning the guest list, it might give me cause to wonder if she's viewed me as some sort of unmentionable all these years as I'd committed the appalling crime of living in sin. Come to that - has she and her fiancé been living together, have they ever attended someone else's wedding as - shock horror - an unmarried couple ???

Yes - it's her day blah blah blah. Yes - she's entitled to have a budget and restrict guests. Just don't do it in such a hurtful manner .... I'm sure she could have found a way round this more tactfully. This ..... well, this kind of implies you're not "good enough" doesn't it ?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/11/2013 12:13

Sounds like a bridezilla soon to be a smug married. Don't go.

sparklysilversequins · 21/11/2013 12:13

Right so OP can't possibly be expected to attend without her partner but the general MN consensus is that everyone's expected to leave their children at home for child free weddings and if they moan then"it's their wedding their rules"?

I think she sounds ridiculous and I wouldn't go but then I think most weddings accompanied by rules dressed up as "because its my special day!" are ridiculous and that's why I rarely go to any.

PrincessKitKat · 21/11/2013 12:15

No ring?! no bring?! Confused

'your rule is shite; stick your invite'

ArbitraryUsername · 21/11/2013 12:16

No one is actually entitled to 'apply whatever rules they like' to their wedding. Just because it's your 'big day' doesn't excuse you from the usual rules of social interaction. If the couple are being rude, then the guests shouldn't pander to them.

In this case, I would decline the invitation without making up some excuse. Just a with regrets card saying I wouldn't be attending with a platitude about hoping they enjoy their wedding. And if my friend asked why, I'd explain that I was not willing to travel to Spain alone to attend their wedding because they'd made a judgement based on my marital status.

You don't need to justify (to us or your friend) why you aren't married or engaged to your partner. It really us none of anyone else's business.

'No ring, no bring' is horrible. The mauling of the English language as much as the sentiment. Your friends might think it's clever, snappy and witty, but it is not.

Original poster
toolonglurking · 21/11/2013 12:17

Thank you all so much for your replies, and I am relieved I'm not being a total brat. The Bride and Groom have met my boyfriend quite a few times, but they haven't spent a huge amount of time together - enough to know him a bit, but not enough time to hate him! So I don't think its that.

I am 28, so yes, I am grown up enough to go on my own and quite possibly have a great time, but as so many of you have said - the more I think about it, the less I want to.

I'd be much better off spending half of that and going somewhere lovely with my boyfriend (and staying off the dreaded facebook so I don't see all the lovely sunny photos!).

I hereby make this promise now - when/if I get married, I will stay the same person I am now! Smile

OP posts:
ArbitraryUsername · 21/11/2013 12:18

Note: the usual rules of social interaction include not passing judgement on your friends' marital status. It's one thing to decide that you're not inviting someone's partner because you don't really know them very well and numbers are very limited, and quite another to imply that there's something wrong with their relationship because they're not married or engaged.

princessalbert · 21/11/2013 12:20

'your rule is shite; stick your invite'

Love this!!!!

OralB · 21/11/2013 12:21

Wtf??? Why are you even contemplating going??

She is BU

rumbelina · 21/11/2013 12:25

What a load of shit.

If they were saying 'sorry toolong we're limited on numbers and can't invite everyone's partners and we don't know your DP that well' then fair enough.

But 'no ring no bring' is ridiculous and meaningless and insulting.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 21/11/2013 12:46

I could see why they restricted invites if they were paying travel and accommodation costs, no way though would I dream of using a phrase 'No Ring/Nor Bring' never heard that before, sounds awfully crass. Did they also enclose a rhyming gift list?

If it were me I'd save the cost towards your own future plans and just send a card.
Her invitation is both thoughtless and unkind IMO as has been said it could be phrased in a polite way.

I like some of the potential RSVPs on here Grin

CoffeeTea103 · 21/11/2013 12:48

It's a ridiculous policy, it basically says that your partner isn't important. I wouldn't go tbh. It's a great expense, your friend is being rude.

LegoWidow · 21/11/2013 12:51

Whaaaat? I totally get why people wouldn't want to invite random new boyfriends/girlfriends (though I've known fallings out over this - even though the bride and groom had never met the new gf in question and their friend was planning to dump her anyway soon - but still got in a huff that she wasn't invited and hasn't spoken to any of us since - idiot!)

but this is ridiculous. I've been with my DP for 16 years - we've never married (largely because we can't be arsed - it's never been important to either of us) - and have 2 kids. Would he be excluded on a "no ring no bring" basis? What a crock of shit.

Leopoldina · 21/11/2013 13:06

so the bride and groom "Know him a bit". That's why they don't want him there - they're having a small wedding and don't want people they only know "a bit". THey've met a few times. THey'd rather invite friends they know really well.
She's just wound you up by wrapping it up in the most ludicrous term I've heard