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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

607 replies

Mingnion · 20/11/2013 23:13

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

OP posts:

NoComet · 21/11/2013 08:26

Sorry, but I am negative about a lot of child care. I see DCs with CMs and is used to go to soft play with a Nanny and her charges.

Non of them chatter and hug and laugh and mess about with their mindies like you do with your own DCs. Nor do they totally ignore them when they have had enough either, I guess.

DD2 went to an amazing nursery one day a week from 1.5-5 and none of our after school options came close to the facilities, atmosphere and lovely staff there. Had we been in catchment for their after school pick up. I would have worked.

pianodoodle · 21/11/2013 08:26

Women who are SAHM are boring, lazy and really do not work as hard as I do

you should do what's best for your dc and yourself and no pay any attention to what others say.

Both points written by josephinebruce

custardo · 21/11/2013 08:26

this argument also presumes choice and is unhelpful to those parents who must go out to work - and lets face it, that's most of us.

Chunderella · 21/11/2013 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/11/2013 08:32

starball yes I get that there are some childcare providers that are barely adequate.
But not all childcare is the same.

My DCs nursery was fantastic. The local childminder less so. So they went to the nursery.

You can't make an assumption based on your one childcare provider that all childcare is "just a place to park children"

But, again it's the same point. This whole thread and every one like it is based on sweeping assumptions.

Floggingmolly · 21/11/2013 08:32

You are absolutely doing the right thing

pianodoodle · 21/11/2013 08:33

this argument also presumes choice and is unhelpful to those parents who must go out to work - and lets face it, that's most of us.

It also presumes the choice to stay at home which isn't always the case either.

Sometimes it's a choice, sometimes it works out financially for one parent to do the childcare.

There are too many different circumstances which is why judging based on whether someone is at home or at work is just silly.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 21/11/2013 08:33

Strikes me work ethics are things that people not in your family bang on about in order to make you do things they want you to do generally to help statistics or equally vacuous reason.

In your situation I'd do the same. But that's the point, in your situation, every situation is different.

janey68 · 21/11/2013 08:33

I hope it's duly noted that this is an OP attacking WOHM. Not vice versa.

I have yet to read an OP saying 'I work, my children are really happy with me working, therefore all parents should work.'

ProfPlumSpeaking · 21/11/2013 08:35

Why does everyone assume the OP is on benefits? She has a Cambridge degree so the chances are that her DH was also educated and in a professional job with high life insurance.

OP if, as I imagine, you are self financing and well off then I am sure your DC prefer you to be home. It is completely your decision. You may feel unfulfilled if you never go back to work so consider that in 5 years time, and don't leave it so late that you are unemployable......your DC will not like you working any more when they are older and it won't be easier to leave them - actually it gets harder - but I advise it for your personal sense of self worth. I speak as someone also with a Cambridge degree and who has also spent time as a SAHM. It might not seem that way now but there are a lot of decades after the DC leave home and I suspect you didn't get your degree to spend your life as a children's maid, chauffeur and housekeeper which is how it can feel with teenagers.

OTOH if there is a family without independent means then on the whole I suspect DC are happier in a family without money worries, with heating and with good food on the table all made possible by having working parents. And those DC do not come to any harm - they learn patience and that the world does not revolve around them. Not so sure about work ethics as they don't see the actual work.

Yama · 21/11/2013 08:35

I absolutely know that my youngest would prefer to be at home than nursery. However, he copes. Actually, I would say he enjoys it. He would just prefer to be at home.

As long as circumstances allow, I will work full time.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/11/2013 08:35

ssd just because you can't imagine it, doesn't mean it's not true.
My DCs are apparently incapable of sitting still.

They much prefer doing something, anything after school. They all liked the ASC or the various sports/drama/art clubs they did. Even now, dd and ds1 are 15 and 14. They have something going on almost every night.

Fannydabbydozey · 21/11/2013 08:36

I agree that you make the best choice you can for that time.

Personally, I think it's naive of parents to think their children enjoy their company the most. Mine def prefer to go to my childminder after school because her kids are some of their best friends. I'm not working enough at the moment (which I'm NOT happy about) so they can't.

Also, don't think your kids will mind less as they get older. I have found the opposite. Mine seemingly couldn't care less when they were young. Now they are 8 and 10 I get a lot of moaning about it, especially if I do nights. The doesn't match with their love of the childminder so it shows how hypocritical kids can be!

However if I don't work we can't pay all the bills. And if I don't work enough (like now) I'm so worried about debts that I'm downright miserable.

There's no right or wrong and I'm always surprised so many mums get so judgey about it.

wigglesrock · 21/11/2013 08:37

Ive done both. I worked when dd1 & dd2 were small. Dd3 tipped me over the edge trying to get it all organised. Conversely my kids preferred me working (part time), most of their friends parents work & they didn't know what to tell their friends "I did"

Breakfast & afterschool care holds allure to them. I don't think I needed to know where you got your degree from to comment btw.

One other thing I was so lucky, I could rely on both sets of grandparents for childcare - I couldn't have worked otherwise.

SprinkleLiberally · 21/11/2013 08:40

Most people in relationships wouldn't be entitled to benefits if their partner works so it is not an option for them anyway.

Laurel1979 · 21/11/2013 08:48

It's up to you whether you stay at home or not, but YABU to be so judgemental about other mothers' choices. Like you, my DH also died when our DD was a baby, but there is no way I would have used this as an excuse to stay at home, as for me this would have meant living on benefits and depriving my DD of the quality of life that she now has. I'm lucky that I can work part time, but I wouldn't dream of judging others for working full time or not working at all.

JapaneseMargaret · 21/11/2013 08:52

Well, I don't have to go to work, I choose to, but these threads can be just as guilt-inducing, if you're in any way insecure about your choice.

But quite honestly, just why? Why do people start threads like this?

Only people who feel insecure or inferior or in doubt about their choices and their lives would do that. I'm giving the OP a break because of her situation. But generally ... it's not helpful.

wigglesrock · 21/11/2013 08:52

ProfPlumSpeaking In her first post the OP told us she would be staying at home & on benefits until her youngest started school.

janey68 · 21/11/2013 08:55

Let this blow people's minds: it's perfectly possible for children to be happy with their mum and dad and with other people too

CoffeeTea103 · 21/11/2013 08:57

Sorry for your situation. Using benefits however seems as an excuse and not a good reason. I think you don't have understand what benefits are actually for.

You are trying to use the sahm vs work ethic debate to distract from the actual reason why you want to do this. Yabu.

Periwonkle · 21/11/2013 08:59

Did you work before you had your children?

wigglesrock · 21/11/2013 09:01

ll31 I meant to say I know quite a few parents who've done what you're thinking about - left work or went part time as their kids were hitting "big school", it's worked out really well for them & they haven't regretted it.

Workberk · 21/11/2013 09:02

Firstly I am so sorry to hear about your husband, but you must realise that you are not a "usual" case.

Perhaps very tiny children don't care about work ethic but there is VERY strong proof that in deprived communities where people have become despondent about finding work and settled for a life on benefits, their children and even grandchildren have followed suit.

9 years out of the workplace (which is what you'll have had) for some people would be the kiss of death to any career they might have had before or might wish to have. They might not have had the advantages you have had in terms of support and education.

I have to work to keep our house - I'm reasonably well paid and even working part time means our mortgage is covered. But I can honestly say I'm a better, more attentive, creative, loving parent for it too. My partner could be SAHP but I would have to work full time and selfishly I can't bear being away from DC for 50 hours a week, so this is the compromise.

Tiredemma · 21/11/2013 09:03

Impossible for either myself or DP to SAH.

We lose the roof over our heads and not be able to eat.

Retropear · 21/11/2013 09:05

Let this blow people's minds it's perfectly for kids to be miserable with other people too.

Also as mind blowing as this may be many kids will be far better off spending the time at home with a sahp than in childcare.

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