to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

I'm very sorry about your husband.
I agree that many children probably would like a parent at home. so YANBU really IMHO.
Sadly I can't do that.
Everyone's situation is different. I think it sounds like you are doing the right thing for your family.

Of course kids prefer a parent to be at home for them.

It is really sad that the working world refuses to facilitate real life and the needs of families.

I agree with everything that tantrums has written. It's a personal choice. this debate is a bit like arguing about what my favourite colour is.

There are lots of things my children would prefer. Unfortunately most of them would lead to us being homeless and morbidly obese.

Sorry about your husband, it's great that you are there for them, it must be very comforting.

I think this argument is missing so many aspects of why people choose to work when they have pre school children.

I was so miserable doing full time parenting, it bored me senseless, my son and I are much happier now I work part time. I love my time with him now its not so relentless.


Of course toddlers don't care about work ethics! But older children might - and many, ,many parents work because they need to continue in their career once the children are at school.

I love my job, doing it makes me a far better parent on the days I am at home - and I am not so sure that my son would always rather be with me to be honest. He is 18 months old and he absolutely LOVES his childminder - there are a group of kids there, they play all day and have a huge amount of fun and he is very well loved there - I think it's wrong to assume that a child will be happier overall just being with mum

traditionally - ie for most of human life on this earth - children were raised in groups while mothers would have done the work they did while keeping an eye out for the little ones. The idea of a parent doing nothing but childcare is completely new in human history!

so - yanbu for yourself but I think you are wrong if you are generalising.

Do what's right for you. It seems all of you will be much happier with you at home.

I have to say I agree with what you say about teaching children about work ethics. A friend of mine used to say that she thought it was good for her daughters to see her going out to work and having a career. And I don't think it was really. I don't mean that she shouldn't have gone out to work, just that pretending you're doing it to be a role model to your children isn't a good justification. I always suspected that if she won the lottery, she wouldn't work. We work to earn money, for the most part, not to set an example to our children.

Sorry for your loss.

I worked part time when my eldest was a baby and toddler. His childminder genuinely loved him and was a wonderful woman. She was like a bonus granny. I didn't feel a moments guilt for leaving him there.

I worked two and a half days a week and left my eldest for three days so I could do a huge shop and a manic house clean . The other four days of the week were then empty to do what my DC and I wanted.

OP - are you sure that something like this wouldn't work for you? I know it depends on wages etc.

Personally, I would not want to go on benefits unless I HAD to. It just wouldn't sit right with me. I would, however, have no problems going on benefits if I didn't have a choice. I would not be embarrassed - that is why benefits exist. Whilst I support increased benefits payments for people with disabilities who are unable to work and for other vulnerable people. I don't agree with people just choosing not to work because they don't fancy it The country doesn't have enough money.

I do think children need to learn about work ethics. I dont agree they need 2 wohps to learn that. Its not about working for money it's about your attitude to yiur responsibilities. Related but different is showing yiur children that it is possjble to have children and a career.

You really do enjoy mirroring my posts retro! I guess imitation Is the sincerest form of flattery

Seriously though- stop agonising about other people's children OP. if you're doing what's best for yours, then why expend your energy fretting about other people's?

Stop press: as mums and dads we all know our own children best.

I'm sure some children would prefer to be at home.

I have a 3 year old who loves going to nursery and are biggest threat to him is that if he's naughty there'll be no nursery tomorrow He has 3 days a week at home too which he loves, and I think this is the right balance for us.

OP, in your situation I would stay at home if my children were miserable in childcare.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I agree that in your situation, staying at home in the short term may be the best thing for your DC (incidentally if you had worked prior to losing your husband, would you now be looking to resign from your job?).

You've made some broad statements about SAHP vs WOHP though. DH and I both work full time, but manage our hours so that the DC are very rarely in childcare during term time (and beg to go to holiday clubs). Many other families do similar.

You also talk about going back to work in the future. You do realise that after years out of paid employment, this might mean taking on a job that is way below your capabilities - that you may well find mind numbing/beneath you.

My mother was a SAHM. It was not a good thing for her - resulting in lack of self esteem, lack of social skills etc etc. None of these things were good for me as her child. Actually her example has firmly convinced me that being a SAHP is not a good thing.

I agree with JapaneseMargaret.

Why did you start this thread OP?

I mean really, it has to be to help validate your own choices, right?

But you say you don't feel guilty... Maybe deep down you do?

I've just been offered a job. My 11 year old ds attitude to 'work ethic' is

'Whose going to make my dinner?'

My 16 year old is much more supportive and less selfish. At the moment.

I think it should be pointed out that the OP has form for starting threads and disappearing.
I really hope this isn't a bored person mischief making.

If she really wants a serious answer: OP in your own, unique situation, where your children have already suffered a trauma it may well be best for you to do as you plan. That was all you needed to say really. Turning your situation into an attack on WOHM is just unpleasant and makes it look as though you have some other agenda going on apart from asking a genuine question.

I agree that on the whole children would prefer a parents at home full time. That said, you have to weigh up the pros and cons. I work part-time to ensure I can support my children's future (school, uni, etc) as this wouldn't be possible on just my DH's wage. To us, being able to provide these things is very important when looking at our children's lives as a whole.

I think it has to be a balance. Clearly what you are doing is absolutely right for you OP.

"I Googled you at school today and showed my friends. I was really proud." - this from 13-year-old DD who isn't usually forthcoming with compliments, especially towards me.

You may find you change your mind as your children get older.

I think in the case if the op the children are probably traumatised by the loss of one parent and need the other one there for reassurance.

In my case, my own mother was a sahm and I hated it. She was very unfulfilled and poured her life into me to the extent it had a detrimental effect on our relationship. As a mother of daughters I also think it's very important I show them how not to be dependent on anyone else. So yabu and yanbu all at once.

Well for the most part my dc are better off me working, they have an amazing childminder who is fab, It's more like going round their friends house for tea 3x a week then being somewhere they don't want to be.

I can afford nicer things now I work for them I can afford to treat them and take them places I couldn't while on benefits. I don't have to be so stingy and always saying no. They have a much better quality of life with me working.

That said I do have two sociable outgoing full of energy types of dc.

OTOH they can't go to the school disco because I'm working cm is having a holiday day so my nans picking them up and won't feel like doing a 4x up and down to the school. It does make you feel guilty.

I agree with everything Tantrums & Janey have said (again!).

My boys have been in full time childcare since 6 months old. They are happy, they often used to get pissed off when I picked them up early.

Around about the time each of them hit 5/6 they both started to question why some parents don't work (up until then they had probably assumed that all parents did as they were at nursery so only saw working parents picking up their children). They couldn't understand why some people were at home all day when their children were at school, because they had never experienced it themselves.

Now my eldest has just started secondary school, in his english class they had to say who their heroes were - my boy said me. When he had to 'interview a member of his family about how science is used in their work', he interviewed me, not his dad.

I firmly believe that by me working my boys are growing up just accepting that women are equally as capable as men, they earn the same money as men and are equally responsible for child rearing and housework etc with men (it is actually very important to me that my boys grow up with this attitude re women).

By me (and their dad) working, they just assume that they will work when they leave school - because they don't have experience of people not working.

I am sick to the back teeth of the constant belittling of women, by women, of the choices they make for themselves and their families. What is right for me may not be right for you, and vice versa (this refers to the bashing of SAHP as well as WOHP).

when I was a young child, I wanted to live on a diet of ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate and to not go to school.

why is it only when women work that what children want is interpreted to contain some truth about How Things Should Be?

It's interesting how some people are unable to see the contradiction in saying 'there isn't a one size fits all and parents know best what's right for their own family' ... And then follow it up by telling us what they think is best for others!

YABU to generalise that all children prefer to have a SAHM.

I'm really sorry for your loss, OP and of course you should do what is right for your family, particularly at a time like this.

But I have to say I know of a couple of women who have found themselves in the same situation as you - and they were SAHMs when they lost their husbands. Both of them then actually decided to start working (FT & PT), partly for financial reasons, but also partly because it helped them to cope better and feel better, actually going to work each day. I think it would be horribly unfair to judge them on the effect doing that may or may not have had on their children .

So sorry to hear about your husband Op. It must be really hard. I can completely understand your feelings and am glad you are happier with the way things are now you're not working.

As almost everyone else has said though, you can't really generalise like that. Partly because all families and children are different but also because some children really love their nurseries and childminders and gain alot from them.

I have always had to work, luckily for me I have been able to do so part time. It would be foolish of me to even start worrying about whether that was the optimum thing to do for Dd's happiness when, as many others have said, we couldn't have afforded for me not to, especially as a single parent when she was little. Also though I really don't think I was happier or a better mum when I was at home full time (during long holidays for example), that's not to say it's the same for others but I found it quite boring 5 days a week. I think I was a happier mum when working part time and I think Dd benefitted from that.

I think there is a huge amount to admire about SAHMs and WOHM. There's the work ethic to be admired in both situations inside and outside the home.

YANBU. I never understand why people say they have to work for financial reasons - the cost of child care would always exceed what I could earn. And yes, SAHP's can have a good work ethic too!

Well, this thread has kicked off as expected

I am still with the OP btw: whether under her sad circumstances or not, most children would prefer to have their parents at home and be there with them.
Who says it has to be the mother at home?
Who says the SAHP can not instill a 'work ethic'?
Who says that all of us who are working are doing it by choice?

All things being equal, children want to be looked after the person they know best, which is usually a parent.

I work 4 days a week, DH 5-7 days/week, my 4 DCs have had a combination of childminder and nursery (more recently a nanny) provide childcare for them. They are happy, confident children.
They would still have preferred to have one of us look after them.
This was not an option we ever explored for various reasons (financial, mental health - mine: I would NOT have made a good SAHP , career protection - mine and DH's is not a job you can have career breaks at all easily and get back again).
This was our choice, not theirs.

The OP stated quite clearly that she was concerned about what children would prefer and I agree with her on that point. No need to be defensive about our own choices which may be different from hers.

I don't think she's been back, has she?