to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

I was born in the 70s. My parents both worked full time from when I was 5, which was less common in those days than it is now. I respected my mum as a working mother and never wished she was at home with us (me and my brother) more. She made me think I could achieve anything.

However, I see that you are planning to return to work when your youngest starts school, so perhaps your experience won't be very different from what I describe.

Sorry to hear about your husband.

Hear hear tantrums

It always strikes me with these sort of threads that these is actually quite an unpleasant subtext, in that the people who hold these extreme views, and think everyone else should do the same as them, almost hope that other people's children will turn out less happy, less well adjusted, doing less well in school, higher ed and the job market. It's almost as though they are going around looking for tangible 'proof' that their way is best, and they want their own children to be happier, cleverer etc. Which is actually quite nasty.

They also stand to be very disappointed if they secretly hope that the children of WOHP are all unhappy, underachieving poorly adjusted individuals!!

If you choose to be a SAHP because you want to, then fine, have confidence in your decision. If you're truly happy with it then you won't be investing your time and energy looking for 'problems' with the children of WOHP. You really wouldn't. Youd just be enjoying your life

DD may well wish that I was a SAHP, but she understands that going to work is a necessity if she wants 'stuff'. We've had the 'bringing home the bacon' chat many times.

Funnily enough now that she is older and testing the 'being rude' boundaries she has commented on her Dad not working (negatively) a couple of times. We don't stand for it, of course, but you may find OP that your DC do the same to you. Your eldest will be what 10/11 when you go back to work? Don't be surprised if it happens.

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband and if I were in your situation, I would probably try to do the same.

But, I am in my situation. My husband and I both work. To provide a warm home, good food and clean clothes for our two children. If one of us was a SAHP, we could very easily lose that roof over our heads.

YABU to claim benefits when you are perfectly capable of working. Benefits should be a short term stop gap for those between jobs not a choice. Whilst I'm sorry for your loss, I disagree with your choices.

Maybe it's not about WOHM v SAHM. Maybe it was just too soon after losing their df, and it was just one more 'loss' for them.

You do what is right for your family (as long as it doesn't cause trouble for others, which this does not). Despite the sad loss of your dh, you have the good fortune to be able to focus on your dc instead of having to focus on survival. Don't feel bad about that. And when the time comes that you want to try putting them in childcare again, please don't feel bad about it then, either. It could be completely different by then.

Hope things work out for you all.

You mention you have a degree from Cambridge and that you'll work once your children are at school.
So, although you actually say a work ethic isn't important, the information you impart indicates you think it's important we know you 'normally" have a good one. There's a mismatch.

As it happens I think a sahp can show a good work ethic if the child sees you busy and working in the home.

Like someone else said, you're entitled to be happy with your own choices, you do not need to validate them by criticising other people for theirs.

I'm very sorry for your loss but I do t think you should let your personal situation make you think that everyone should do the same.

I work full time at the moment with 3 kids but have worked part time and been an SAHP. I was utterly miserable in my part time job and have found a full time one which I love. The overall stock of happiness is higher in our house as a result. Works for me but I know it wouldn't for everyone.

Every parent has to do what is best for their family. Sometimes there are no choices.

My MiL was widowed in the 1950s when DH was 18m old. His sister was already at school. She was a teacher and went back to work to provide for the family and DH was placed with a kind neighbour.

However, he has very unhappy memories of that time up until he went to school and when we talked about having a family he said he'd prefer if one of us was at home with the children until the youngest started school. I was also happy with this because my personal belief is that children should be looked after by a parent until they start school. This was in the late 70s/early 80s when there was not a great deal of provision for children with both parents at work. He earned nearly twice my salary so I was the one to stay at home - which was what I wanted anyway.

When youngest DC was about 9m money was getting tight and I began to suffer from cabin fever so got part time work teaching adults in the evening twice a week, with DH at home looking after the DCs. Both have very happy memories of that time when Dad was in charge and so does DH.

We thought about having a third child but decided against it, mainly for financial reasons, and I went back into teaching in schools part time when DC2 started school.

That's what worked for us. I don't know what I would have done if placed in MiL's position. Benefits are better now than they were in the 50s but I have a feeling I would have done the same as she did.

Interesting,am considering early retirement to be at home for young teenager, so kind of doing opposite of you op,tho relying on pension not benefits. Looking back, truthfully I wish id worked less when ds small...

In your situation YANBU and if you can afford (both in money and career terms then of corse that's the right thing to do.

My dcs would in theory love me to SAH however, they appreciate having a not depressed mother and the better lifestyle my wage brings more. They are 7&9 and I am probably returning to ft hours in September they are at a stage where the goods and services my labour brings is worth more to them than my presence.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Some people find stay-at-home-parenthood deeply unfulfilling (we're no more all cut out to be SAHMs, than we are all cut out to be architects or plumbers), and so it isn't necessarily in a child's best interest for its parent to be at home with them relentlessly.

It constantly amazes me that some people just do not seem to grasp that there is no one size fits all approach to parenting.

I was a SAHM/worked extremely part time (one day a week) when my dds were small.

I now work more part time hours (usually 3.5 days) and they are both at school.

Sometimes they moan when I can't collect them/go to assemblies.

Sometimes they moan when I CAN collect them as they want to go to grandma's/after school club!!!

I can't win!!!

I'm a single parent, my children like having a roof over their head, clothes and food to eat, so we're making do with my going to work.

I don't think I'd get any benefits if I tried to give up work and stay at home with my children, I've watched my friends struggle with living on benefits whilst they got back on their feet after horrendous life circumstances, it's not exactly a lifestyle choice.

My kids are pretty understanding about the choice they face, they both enjoy having food, clothes and a freezing cold house to live in as apposed to wandering the streets with their ever present mother, which for us would be the alternative.

I am very sorry for your loss and you should do what is best for you, but it doesn't work that way for all of us.

I am very sorry for your loss but I don't believe the state should fund you staying at home. My son's dad has never played a part in his life and I have always worked, now full time, although I accept not everyone has access to childcare to work full time. You are setting a bad example to your children by being fully reliant on the state.

Yanbu and are being really brave to acknowledge this.

Sadly I don't think society or governments care what children want or need any more.

In all the debates re childcare it's only ever cost anybody cares about not quality,alternatives or what children would actually prefer.

Obviously in some families there is no choice(it would be nice if govs would enable more to have a choice) and in some a sahp would not be preferable even if the children desperately wanted it but at least some acknowledgement of that want should be acknowledged instead of being swept under the carpet.

Not having a sahp for most is very different to the life enjoyed by the Clegg and Cameron children.

Very sorry for your loss and enjoy these years,they're gone in a flash and you never get them back.

Also I work in a sector that requires current up to date knowledge and experience in the area and constant exams and refreshers.

If I took a few years out I'd not be walking back into my current level of job.

I am sorry to learn about your husband. Of course you must do what you think is best for you and your children. You have suffered a major bereavement and nobody can judge you for how you survive that.

You have formed your decision based on your particular set of circumstances. I have a completely different viewpoint, based on my set of circumstances.

My MIL never worked and no one, especially her children, would call her a good mother. My mum always worked and was a fantastic mum and still is - my whole family 'rise up and call her blessed' for the love and support she gives us all. And she is still not fully retired in her 70s - she is superwoman.

My best friend and school had a SAHM and she was such a sad bitter woman and sibling abuse prevailed in her childhood unchecked. I actully quite like the woman (I knew her well) and felt sorry for her as an adult, but she was a dreadful mum.

So being a SAHM isn't necessarily all that and a WOHM can absolutely rock. It depends on the mum.

Totally disagree with Floozy.

I don't think the state in that case should fund childcare.You know children cost before you have them,it is for a temp amount of time so families should save(like many with a sahp do) or suck it up.

Also the op clearly has a very good work ethic having managed to get an Oxbridge degree,will prob give back more in the long run than many who claim tax credits and are under/ just over the tax threshold.

Also she and her children have lost her partner. Her children have lost their father.Their needs transcend everything.

Hmm, have just spotted the other thread you've started OP... You do seem to have a habit of lighting the blue touch paper and then disappearing...

if you were a single mother because your husband walked out on you, you would receive no sympathy whatsoever. I can testify to that as I have been there - my children were once called 'single mum, benefit scum' in the playground (and I work full-time). Benefits should not be a choice. They should be a stop gap, fall back position used only to readjust and move on. If you are able-bodied and your child do not require specialist care, you should be working at least part-time rather than expecting everyone else to support you. Being a widow shouldn't give you some kind of special 'better than the rest of us' position and you shouldn't feel that you can use that as some kind of trump card in justifying why you sit on benefits. And your degree from Cambridge also makes you better than the rest of us? or why mention it? you are somehow allowed to sit on benefits because you have a good degree? does that make you a better benefit single mum than a 18 year old single mum with no education?

Children adjust. Mine had to. They had to adjust to their father living with another family, the loss of their family home, new schools/pre-schools, and a massive change in lifestyle as one income was withdrawn from the family (and neither the courts nor the CSA have been able to get my ex to contribute towards the upbringing of his children). I work because I enjoy it. I work so no one can justify calling my children 'single mum, benefit scum'. I work because it gives me financial independence and a sense of achievement every day. I work because that is the right thing to do for society as a whole and because I want my children to be proud of me. Do they suffer? I have no idea. They have the life that they have and we deal with it. They sure as hell don't go without and they know that I love them and I hope feel secure and safe.

Op could you do some part time voluntary or paid work to keep your hand in if your sector was one that would make a break impossible to return to?

You work "because it is the right thing to do for society"- what utter tosh.

Raising happy,well adjusted young people is what is right for society.It's a marathon not a sprint.

I personally don't think a period at home for anybody is something bad for society if children benefit and many do.

I am sorry for the loss of your husband, that must be very difficult for you and your children. I can totally understand why you want to be as physically and emotionally present for your young children as possible, especially as it is still early days.

I do think you are being unreasonable however in projecting the circumstances of your family on to the lives of others. We are in a financial position that if DP and I didn't both work that we would lose our home. I struggle to understand how families who live on benefits cope in the long-term and I am grateful that we are not in that position. I know that that could change at any moment with the uncertain job market.

I think you are being naive to think that a degree from Cambridge means that you will automatically be in a position to get the sort of job that means you will 'put in what you take out a hundred times over'.