to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

[Meglet]

chrome. The op may be saving the country money by staying at home. Especially with young children, the tax credits paying for childcare were more than my salary (I'm a LP, earned 8k and had to have 10k of tax credits to pay for nursery ). Then there is the cost to the NHS as my mental and physical health are fragile now. I work but I'm a drain on the country.

I'll keep working part time but I won't be contributing anything. I'd have saved the country a fortune if I was allowed to stay at home when the dc's were small, and my health would be better. In the long term maybe it will be worth it as I can go full time when they're 18 but I'm not sure it's done us any good.

[dozeydoris]

Yawn, Yawn, Yawn, Yawn, Yawn, ..........not again.

[Wishihadabs]

What an incredibly incendiary thing to say Retropear. Raising happy well adjusted children and Woth are not mutually exclusive.

[MissAnnersley]

You are entitled to your opinion but it just that, an opinion about your family and their circumstances.

I think you are wrong. My mum had a career and I admired her enormously as a child as she was one of the few mums who worked.

I've always worked as an adult. It works for me and DS as we need the money to keep a roof over our heads.

If he gets an inkling about work ethics that's great, but more of a bonus.

[Chattymummyhere]

Yanbu

I agree with you as a stay at home parent my dh works and that is having a negative impact on my eldest who know comes out with lines such as

"I thought you wernt coming home tonight" "when's daddy's day off" (we use the word day off for weekend when his not at school like x days till your day off)

His behavior has also gone down hill since my dh has been working more hours I could only imagine what he would be like if I was at work too!

You need to do what's best for your children mine would not cope with two parents working full time some will but I agree you don't need to be actively working to have a good work ethic

[Minifingers]

I think it's very hard to see this through the eyes if a child.

All I know is that my children don't want me to work, and tell me so.

They hate breakfast club and after school club and holiday club. They love me coming to their assemblies and on school trips. They tell me this.

It's a moot point for me anyway. I haven't got the energy for full-time work, a dog, three children and a big messy house. I'm in awe of people who have.

[janey68]

DH and I are raising happy well adjusted young people and we both work
I do however manage to get my head around the fact that other people who don't work can also raise happy well adjusted children too.

[Wishihadabs]

Meglet I wouldn't bet your health would be better. SaHMs having the worst health of any group of women (particularly mental health). I know my mental health is enchanted by working for pay. Anecdotally of my peer group those least troubled by depression/ anxiety are those who work pt.

[BrianTheMole]

I don't agree with you op. I think in your situation it may be a good thing for your children, particularly your eldest, to have you at home because of the trauma and upheaval she would have gone through / is still going through, for the loss of her father. But generally, no, I don't think its a great thing to stay at home on benefits under normal circumstances, and the work ethic is a good thing to show your children, as well as put food on the table.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband.

[janey68]

Mini fingers- jt you have children who hate being in any form of childcare that must be very hard and effectively leaves you with no choice. But please don't assume all other children feel the same

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

As a child, I hated my (single) mum working full time. I used to cry most days when she went to work, especially in the school holidays. As an adult, I look back and realise that I would have cried a helluva lot more if I'd be homeless but with my mum all the time. We also had some lovely au pairs who we are still in touch with and continue to spend time with. They became a big sister to me and retrospectively, the tears were tantrum tears and I secretly had a whale of a time with most au pairs we had over the years. Yes, I wanted my mum all the time but I also used to beg for coco pops every day and declare that bed time should be midnight. Guess what? Kids don't always know what's best for them, that's why they have parents!

[MarianneEnjolras]

When I was 4 I hated my mum working full time so much that I wrote a guilt tripping letter to her (which she kept for years). However as an adult, having to work full time and hating it as I miss my 3 year old and feel I'm missing out, I'm glad my mum worked because I know it can be done. If she did it then I can do it, and I don't even remember writing that note or feeling that I missed her when I was little.

[StealthPolarBear]

I completely agree. Naive that degreee from Cambridge means walking into a well paid job in 'the future'

[Wishihadabs]

Leaving OP thankfully rare situation aside. T here is a massively circular argument here. Children who are not used to childcare generally are not keen. Children who have been in nursery since 5m (my dd) are generally fine or even like it. TBH dd finds coming straight back from school with me almost unbearably dull even if I do bakingor ccrafts with her. Without other children and social interaction she gets bored. She is regularly out Friday after school until Saturday mid-afternoon, quick change of clothes and off again, she does afterschool activities 4 nights a week and wants to fill up the 5th.

OTOH one of my bf SAH. Her Ds is the same age. She says he wouldn't cope with any type of childcare and she brings him straight home from school as she says he is exhausted. I do wonder if he had attended nursery 8-6 like my daughter he might cope better ?

O

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Ok, let's have another bit of anecdotal evidence which, because it happened to me, means it applies to the children of every other working parent in the world.

When my DCs were younger they loved childcare.
They loved ASC because they got to do loads of messy stuff that we didnt do at home, because I hate glitter with a passion. They got to bake and ice fairy cakes.
They loved holiday club, they went to the theatre and to the beach with all their friends.

When I was made redundant they were devestated that they couldn't go to ASC and were over the moon when I went back to work and they could go back.

They do not want me to stay at home. Well they are much older now so I doubt it would be an issue now but they have never known anything but mum and dad going to work.

Right- that must mean childcare suits every single child and every single parent should put their DCs in ASC, right?

There's no point to this. Honestly. Because as much as my DCs are more than happy with a WOHM, and loved ASC, minis DCs do not. Because we are all different people with different situations and different children.

My experience is not relevant to every parent. minis experience is not relevant to every parent.

If you believe the best thing for your family is to SAH and you can afford it and you want to do it, I think that's fantastic.
If you feel that it is in your families best interests for you to WOH, for whatever reasons, financial or otherwise, also fantastic.
If you didn't really have any option other than to SAH or WOH for whatever reasons but you are getting on with it, doing the best you can and raising happy, healthy well adjusted children, that's fantastic.

But it doesn't matter what i do. It only matters what you do. And we don't all have to agree. But picking holes in people's choices doesn't make your choice any better.
It just makes you look unhappy with your own life and looking for someone to validate your choice.

[NoComet]

Work ethic !?!? WTF
They see their Father go out to work everyday, they are chased to school everyday.

Why on on earth should me stuffing them in child care to be brought up teach them anything about a 'work Ethic'

Might teach them children are a pest and you have to find some where to park them.

Honestly DD1 had enough of her peers being vile to her in core school hours, she would have loathed going with them to a CM (no other option here).

DD2 wouldn't have minded, she likes company, but she'd have hated me not being about for school stuff.

DCs need their own space to chill, to unwind from school. Child care, however good can not provide that. You are still almost certainly with your peers, you aren't with your family. You have to keep your public face on.

DD2 is an angel in public, in private she liked a good moan and a good hug.

[StealthPolarBear]

Interestinv wish. Ds went to nursery fine from fairly yoing.When he sstarted school everyone told me hed be exhausted at the end of the day which I thought was unlikely as he was used to nursery 8-6. I was told school would be different. It wasnt. He bounded out of school as full of energy as ever.

[Thingymajigs]

My youngest wants me to work. He has asked for years why I don't when all the other mummies do. I think he wants to be proud of me to be able to say that I do something. He's also stated that he wouldn't be happy in any form of childcare or miss any time with me so I'm not sure he's that bothered about my CV gap.
He told his friends that I work in a charity shop but they thought it odd that I don't get paid. I'd love for him to feel proud of me but I don't have any option to do paid work right now.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Why on on earth should me stuffing them in child care to be brought up teach them anything about a 'work Ethic'

Might teach them children are a pest and you have to find some where to park them

It's that right there that fuels the argument isn't it?

If you choose not to use any childcare that's your choice.
To be so...I don't know the right word to use tbh, negative and nasty I suppose about childcare is so totally unnecessary.

And that's why I am out. Because this always always happens.
People have to feel superior. It makes them feel good.
It's not going to make me feel good to come up with a negative, condescending comment about SAHP. So I give up.

[ssd]

I agree with you all the way op and I'm very sorry for your loss.

I can;t imagine any kids preferring the company of other kids and childcare workers all day to their mum or dad, and also the after school thing, having to stay in after school for another coupe of hours must be rotten when you see your friends going home.

I wouldn't worry too much about work ethics, to me your children need you just now and thats more important than anything else.

[NoComet]

Agree for my MH some part time work would have been great, but if you don't have GPs to provide child care round here child care is a nightmare

[Wishihadabs]

Hmm thinking aloud here, but there is probably a fairly strong genetic element here too. Broadly if you are an extrovert (me) you are likely to have extrovert dcs (dd).

It may be hard for the majority of introverts here to imagine, but we have very little need for the "time to decompress,/unwind/chill out you describe. In fact we feel stifled being at home and starved of human interaction.

By contrast introverts with introverted dc are completely horrified by the prospect of dcs not having that down time which is essential to them and more likely to their dc. All Ican say to them is trust us. We know our dc they are happy, they cope fine. We would go mad if we SAH and that realy would be no good for anyone.

[iwantanafternoonnap]

YABU saying all children prefer SAHP and don't like nurseries etc. My DS was loves his pre-school and would stay there until 3pm every day if he could. In fact he did one session until 5 and now wants to do that as well. He can't as I can't afford it.

However, in your situation yes of course they prefer you home as they have lost their dad. I am very sorry for your loss.

[Wishihadabs]

Btw DH and Ds are introverts so we have to compromise in our house. Dd and I would be happily out, interacting from 7-7 daily. The boys less so.:)

[HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas]

This argument assumes that all parents are actually good at, and enjoy parenting. I sucked at staying home full time. DS loves nursery, I like working part time. All is well. All families are different.


I also second the rather morbid point that this thread is a prime example of why it is important to have adequate life insurance.