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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming that mil has told everyone we are infertile.

93 replies

Mittensonkittens · 20/11/2013 11:44

Dh told mil that we've found out we are infertile. I didn't want him to tell her because I know what she's like but fair enough I've told my mom (although no one else) so I guess it's up to him. I told him to remind her that we don't want everyone to know, it's no one else's business as far as I'm concerned. Dh's family are all terrible gossips.

On Sunday we were at a family christening and Sil came over and said with a pitying look "this must be really hard for you." I had a sinking feeling I knew where this was going but said "why?" And she said "what with finding out you're infertile." Then she tried to get further information out of me. However during the conversation I also discovered that dh has told his mother I'm the reason we can't have children. This is a lie! It's him. I don't know why this bothered me so much but it really did. Why didn't he just say we were struggling and be non-specific? I totally understand him not wanting to tell his mother about his sperm count but I've had to put up with SIL asking if there's anything "they" can do for me such as clomid before going for full Ivf.

I'm extremely annoyed. I'm damn tempted to tell dh to forget it, I'm not going to have Ivf. I do not want the additional stress of his family asking how it is going and giving me fake sympathy. I don't want people with babies to treat me differently. I'm actually ok with babies anyway, I don't want someone else's, I want my own!

OP posts:

Mouthfulofquiz · 20/11/2013 11:46

I'd be mad with both of them! YANBU.

MatryoshkaDoll · 20/11/2013 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamsparklyknickers · 20/11/2013 11:51

I'd be spitting and fantasizing about breaking some noses.

DH has fucked up, and your MIL has fucked up.

The pair of them need to be grovelling for your forgiveness right now, between them they've managed to make it something that you're never going to be able to shake (sorry but that's my experience and precisely why I'm so cagey about sharing personal info with anyone).

mummymeister · 20/11/2013 11:51

if you are going to tell someone something so incredibly personal then your dh ought to have at least had the bottle to tell the truth about it. it doesn't actually matter where the problem lies because as a couple you have a problem conceiving. blame isn't a good thing to get in to especially long term. however, if he is going to tell people then he needs to tell the truth and I would be livid if it were me because people do interfere and tell you what you should be taking and who you should be seeing and what your diet should be and none of it is relevant to you personally. Speak to your DH tell him that as this has happened and it is now out in the open he needs to tell his family the truth about why you cant conceive and if he wont you will. no point prolonging a lie any further because somewhere down the line it will come out anyway and then they will feel hurt. if he didn't want his family to know about his low sperm count then he should have kept quiet. now its out there they need to know. as for the fake sympathy. get used to it I am afraid it goes with infertility and it gets on your nerves but you just have to learn coping strategies.

AndYouCanDance · 20/11/2013 11:52

Shockingly insensitive.

YA definitely NBU.

Original poster

Mittensonkittens · 20/11/2013 11:55

Yes sil suggested we just 'relax' and it will probably happen yes...but all the relaxing in the world makes no difference if none of the sperm can swim. It would have to be an immaculate conception.

Dh says he felt awkward talking about that level of detail with mil so just vaguely said the tests had shown I had an issue. He didn't think it would matter because whichever of us has the problem the outcome is the same. But it still bothers me. Maybe not so much if it had just been his mom but now apparently everyone knows.

OP posts:

bluecheeseforbreakfast · 20/11/2013 11:56

Yanbu, how rude of your mil to tell other people, and how rude of sil to bring it up!

My mum did the same, she told the entire family we were going to have ivf. Luckily my family didn't mention it to me until I was pregnant. My mum also tells me other family member's sensitive news,I do ask her not to but she just assumes everyone will want to know/share all new regardless of the nature of the news.

Best of luck with the ivf, from what I remember from my Dr Google research regarding ivf male factor infertility has the highest success rate :)

EldritchCleavage · 20/11/2013 11:57

Oh that's dreadful. Your DH has been very disloyal and dishonest, and that needs to be discussed. Plus he should tell his mother the truth.

MIL also needs to be told she has broken a confidence and kept out of your business.

CoffeeTea103 · 20/11/2013 11:58

Yanbu, but I would be even more upset with DH putting it all on you! He could have been vague about the reason.

MatryoshkaDoll · 20/11/2013 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pawprint · 20/11/2013 11:59

That's awful :( What a stupid thing to do.

Pawprint · 20/11/2013 12:00

I also think your nosey and condescending SIL should shut her fucking mouth too.

drspouse · 20/11/2013 12:01

YANBU at all. I'd be spitting (having been through similar issues).

My blabbermouth mother actually managed to keep quiet about the things that we told her, which astounded me.

I'd make your DH ring her up and clarify that he told her an untruth. It's not fudging the issue, it's the exact opposite of the truth. But he also needs to tell her that "in case it's not obvious, this is PRIVATE information".

Churlish · 20/11/2013 12:02

Yanbu in the least. It was the last thing you needed in an already difficult situation. I could understand your DH wanting to confide in his mother about something so hard, especially if the infertility was his - he must feel depressed, maybe guilty he is the person whose body is causing the problem etc etc - but to do so and lie so outrageously, putting the 'blame' on you, thereby getting the sympathy and sidestepping the guilt, is unpleasant. For MiL to pass it on and other family members to pump you for info is awful.

Maybe it was your DH's trauma talking, but it was a stupid thing to do. Surely he knew the lie would be exposed immediately when his gossipy family started passing it around?

A lot of sincere apologies need to come your way, OP.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 20/11/2013 12:03

That would piss me off to no end, how horrid people are and you dumbarse husband needs a mouthful.

Its his stupid macho male pride bollocks that blamed you, probably because he knew his mum would blab.

zippey · 20/11/2013 12:04

I'd make husband tell the truth.

MatryoshkaDoll · 20/11/2013 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fhdl34 · 20/11/2013 12:05

I think your husband needs to set the record straight ASAP and reprimand his mum at the same time.

Thumbwitch · 20/11/2013 12:06

He "didn't think it would matter" if he indicated to his mother that the reason he wasn't going to have any children was your fault and not his own?? FFS, does he have rocks in his head?? OF COURSE it fucking matters that it's him, not you! Not only do you have to now put up with all the bollocks, but if there is any bad feeling between you and your ILs, this will be all brought up and added to it.

Different issue slightly but my Mum lost her second baby, not really sure why but apparently there was a very bad flu going around and it affected quite a few babies that year. My Dad's brother's wife, who was an utter bitch, told my Grandmother that it was due to my mum's "bad blood". FFS! So that was then held against her forever after. :(

You tell him that since he saw fit to tell his garrulous mother part of the truth, that he can bloody well tell her the whole of the truth and not try to shift the "blame" onto you!

Let's see how much she gasses on about her own DS being lacking in the fertility department then, eh.

RevengeWiggle · 20/11/2013 12:06

Bloody hell what a horrible thing to do, I think it does matter that he said it was down to you having the problem because it means you'll be the one having to deal with and fend off all the fake sympathy. I can understand him needing to talk to his mother about it all but she had absolutely no right to spread it further, what a malicious gossiping cow. Please don't let your in laws affect your decision to have IVF, carry on as you were and try and ignore the gossip.

RaRa1988 · 20/11/2013 12:07

I think I'd be so angry I'd be questioning my whole future with him. I'm not suggesting you should, just how I think I'd feel. YANBU AT ALL. And his mother needs a slap.

DidoTheDodo · 20/11/2013 12:07

I agree with all of the above.

Your MIL is bad for blabbing but I have bigger issues with your DH telling porkies. Me, I'd be straight to your MIL putting her straight on a couple of things - 1. it's not her story to tell and 2. if she must then she'd better get it right, it's DH's sperm that are at 'fault'.

And I would be very mad at your DH too.

schokolade · 20/11/2013 12:09

Wow, what a mess during a difficult time OP.

Probably not helpful, but I'd tell your DH to get stuffed with his "it didn't matter which of us it was" crap. First of all, there was no need to say anything at all about who exactly was infertile. And second, if it didn't matter, why didn't he just say he had a vague issue?

Sounds like he is finding his infertility hard to come to terms with. Which in obvioulsy understandable, but making up incredibly personal lies to your gossiping MIL is not!!

With regards to your SILs weird comments, anything to do with children seems to turn people into total twits. All social (and sometimes intellectual - "relax" indeed!) boundaries go out of the window. Just smile and nod whilst staring into the middle distance.

Original poster

Mittensonkittens · 20/11/2013 12:10

I strongly suspect that if he'd admitted to his mom it was him that was infertile she wouldn't have gone spreading it around. Gossiping about her own child wouldn't have been as much fun. I think id have got less fake sympathy and rubbish advice about diet, relaxing etc.

Dh says he will speak to mil about the fact she can't keep her mouth shut but whether he will or not who knows.

OP posts:

Trooperslane · 20/11/2013 12:10

Yanbu. That's a disgrace. Having gone through miscarriages and ivf/icsi we told no one and I would have died if this was the way I was spoken to in public.

Lots of hugs and be gentle with yourselves. I think your Dh needs to take mil aside and tell her to zip it x

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