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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming that mil has told everyone we are infertile.

93 replies

Mittensonkittens · 20/11/2013 11:44

Dh told mil that we've found out we are infertile. I didn't want him to tell her because I know what she's like but fair enough I've told my mom (although no one else) so I guess it's up to him. I told him to remind her that we don't want everyone to know, it's no one else's business as far as I'm concerned. Dh's family are all terrible gossips.

On Sunday we were at a family christening and Sil came over and said with a pitying look "this must be really hard for you." I had a sinking feeling I knew where this was going but said "why?" And she said "what with finding out you're infertile." Then she tried to get further information out of me. However during the conversation I also discovered that dh has told his mother I'm the reason we can't have children. This is a lie! It's him. I don't know why this bothered me so much but it really did. Why didn't he just say we were struggling and be non-specific? I totally understand him not wanting to tell his mother about his sperm count but I've had to put up with SIL asking if there's anything "they" can do for me such as clomid before going for full Ivf.

I'm extremely annoyed. I'm damn tempted to tell dh to forget it, I'm not going to have Ivf. I do not want the additional stress of his family asking how it is going and giving me fake sympathy. I don't want people with babies to treat me differently. I'm actually ok with babies anyway, I don't want someone else's, I want my own!

OP posts:

tobiasfunke · 20/11/2013 12:53

I'd be crosser with your DH. How dare he say it was your fault.
It took us 7 years to have our DS. It was my fault as I have PCOS. When we eventually told my MIL because she wouldn't stop phoning me and telling me I needed to have twins pronto we were never specific as to why there were issues. Turns out she thought it was DH as he has a minor variocele and had mumps when he was 8 (her grasp of medical matters is hilariously bad). It meant she never told anyone. I bet my life she would've taking a full ad out in the newspaper it was my fault if she'd known. When we did have DS without any help the first thing she did apparently when she told people was that it was a 'proper' baby not an 'IVF one'. Stupid woman.

I wish you all the luck in the world conceiving.

Iris445 · 20/11/2013 13:01

I'd be furious. I would also be correcting my husbands lie.

He told a leaky bucket sensitive info, no she wouldn't like to gossip so much if it had been him.

Just tell everyone the truth. It's his fault it's out there, let them soothe him now.

zzzzz · 20/11/2013 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 20/11/2013 13:17

I would be beyond furious with DH. If it doesn't matter which of you has the problem, then why not say its him? I would make him correct it and if he won't, tell them myself. He has no loyalty to you if he's 'blaming' you for this. In a situation like this, there isn't blame, but he's created it and dumped it on you.

Tailtwister · 20/11/2013 13:23

I would be extremely angry OP. They have both let you down very badly.

Tbh I would be tempted to call your MIL on it and I would be setting her straight on the lie your DH told too.

Sadly some people can't keep their mouths shut about anything. DH insisted on telling his mother about us going through IVF and gave her specific instructions that it wasn't to be discussed. I was then approached by her sister (DH's Aunt) after a family meal (with the usual pitying face) as grilled within an inch of my life. Extremely unpleasant. I have since found out she spread it around her friends, who as it happens have GC at my DS's school, so now the whole bloody place knows. It's so personal and I'll never trust her again.

Call your MIL on it. See what she has to say for herself.

EldritchCleavage · 20/11/2013 13:24

The trouble is correcting the lie keeps the in-laws very involved, when actually what might be better is establishing some distance. So I think it is difficult.

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 20/11/2013 13:29

Jeez your husband sounds super. 'Welcome to dumpsville, population you!' Would be my next sentence
Seriously though I would reconsider starting a family with him if he's going to go around lying about stuff like that. If he can lie about that then whats next I wonder?! Good long talk I think is needed here op.

toffeesponge · 20/11/2013 13:30

Your DH has let you down and has some serious apologising to do.

Of course it matters who is having difficulties when it means he lies!

I would be calling MIL and SIL and telling them to stfu. Remind the MIL that she was told in confidence and now she must tell everyone she has told it is actually her son who has the problem or you will. Tell your SIL you do not wish to discuss it with her and to piss off with her fake concern.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 20/11/2013 13:31

Christ. I would be fucking on the warpath. Tell MIL her son is a Jaffa and that she can tell anyone she fucking well wants. Your husband should have realised his mother was a gossip not to be trusted AND he should not have lied and blamed the infertility on you.

nauticant · 20/11/2013 13:44

I would tell DH that he had two options:

that you both go to MIL and he tells her that he lied and what the truth is; or
he sets the record straight by Facebook status or mass email.

If he sensibly goes for 1), once it's done, you can ask your MIL if she's going to be a blabbermouth with the true version.

ViviPru · 20/11/2013 13:45

YANBU. This would give me the rage big time. Some excellent advice on this thread

flippingebay · 20/11/2013 13:53

YANBU I'd be bloody fuming!!!

I'd also be sorely tempted to tell her it isn't you it's your DH sperm count..

I think I'd be more pissed at my DH and would be looking at him to reduce any fall out for you

eatriskier · 20/11/2013 14:02

Horrendous behaviour by them both. I suspect he knew they would gossip and things would be brought up so saying you had the issue meant he didn't have to deal with it. Cowardice. You do know that if he doesn't set this right and you have a set to with the in laws it is going to be mentioned about how good he has been staying with someone who can't give him kids? I have seen this happen several times.

If I were you I'd be telling DH to man up, set his mother straight and get MIL and SIL to apologise to your face for gossiping about you or I'd be making sure for definite that he is infertile.

WhirlyByrd · 20/11/2013 14:08

How disloyal of your DH. I would want his nuts on a platter. You should point out to him that if he had told his DM the truth, she may have been more discreet. I would give him 48 hours to tell her the truth in your presence or I would say that you will be telling everyone the real story publicly, starting with a phone call to your SIL. I would also be questioning whether I would want children with someone who would do something like this. Sorry, I understand he is probably hurt and upset as it is 'his' problem, but if he cannot tell his DM the truth he shouldn't have told her anything.

diddl · 20/11/2013 14:18

"but if he cannot tell his DM the truth he shouldn't have told her anything."

Absolutely that.

How can she "support" him when she doesn't even know the truth?

mitchsta · 20/11/2013 14:49

Oh. My. God. I would be beyond fuming about this op - as if you need this!!

Why, when he "vaguely mentioned" that you had the problem didn't he "vaguely mention" it was him?!?! It's not vague, is it?? It's a lie. All those who've said he should've kept his mouth shut or told the truth are spot on.

I don't even know where to start with MIL. Sounds like she was never going to keep her god shut, but I really would want to make sure she knows a) how upset you are that she couldn't bring herself to separate something as personal as this from the usual drivel she gossips about and b) that her son hasn't actually told the truth in the first place.

What an absolute tosser he is for doing this to you.

london111 · 20/11/2013 14:51

I agree with most of what has been written - I would be fuming.

BUT I also think if I were your DH I would be feeling like I had failed so massively in not being able to have children. It is him who has to live with that feeling every day and it must be hard. Not to say that it isn't very hard for you to but... I guess I would try and cut him some slack. Not least bc I also think it is sad that he can't even tell the truth to his own mother to get some support.

Keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 20/11/2013 14:57

YANBU at all and I really sympathise with you!
DH and I are also infertile (well, more specifically DH is, but I have always seen it as 'our' problem, not his)
Have you questioned your DH about why he said that you are the reason you can't have children? Seems like such a bizarre thing to say when it's clearly not true but the only thing I can think is he was put on the spot and embarrassed? Who knows, but I think he has some serious explaining and apologising to do.

I totally get your frustrations, my Mum would act the same as your MIL by the sounds of it, she can't keep anything to herself!
Only a handful of our friends and family know about our issues and know we will need IVF to have a family.
We have recently had our first cycle of IVF but have told no one that I have had the treatment as I couldn't stand the pressure of everyone knowing and waiting for me to tell them the result. It would have been too hard to tell everyone it had failed, plus it's no one else's business and I wanted to make it somewhat of a surprise to tell everyone I am pregnant if it worked.
Luckily for us we got a BFP and my 1st early scan is next week to see if all is ok.

Hope it all works out for you OP, but I'd make sure DH was clear that being open & honest with each other is one of the key things before you start thinking about IVF!

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 20/11/2013 15:06

This is a minor tangent/derailment, for which I apologise, but Keepthechange, I HAVE to ask about your username! It's really made me . What does it mean?

bigfuckoffpie · 20/11/2013 15:15

I've had similar issues (although it was mostly my problem that stopped us concieving, DH turned out to have a low sperm count) and I'd be furious. I think the very least he can do is apologise and straighten things out with his relatives, and ask them not to mention it again.

London, it might be him with the medical issue, but it's not on for him to dump on the OP like this. It will be the OP who goes through all the hormone treatments, egg retrieval, transfers and scans, while he has to have a wank in a cup. None of this is anyone's fault, but infertility really has to be something you face together as a couple - both partners need support and to support each other, and he has let OP down really badly and needs to step up.

givemeaname · 20/11/2013 15:25

Having gone through infertility the last 3 years due to Male Factor Infertility i understand what you are feeling! Your MIL was totally out of order and so was the SIL and both owe you an apology.
Your husband also needs to apologise big time!! Its one thing him not wanting people to know its down to a sperm issue but its another to blame you!! You need to tell him that in future, if the subject gets raised again that you both say something general, 'tests have found a couple of issues that are causing problems' no one needs to know who actually has the medical problem. Some people really need to learn boundaries! Friends were the problem with us not family, friends would say 'relax' 'get drunk and have sex it worked for me'. Would you say to someone with a illness - hey just reland and think positive and you will get better! I dont think so.
On a positive note - now we have gone through it all - we are both more open in telling people and its actually surprising how many people then admit to us that they too have had some kind of fertility treatment! Its more common that people think! Its a shame there is still a taboo surrounding it though.
I would say - dont give up on the IVF -it can work great for MFI! i am proof of this - im 36 and now 17 weeks pregnant after very low sperm count, resulting in IVF/ICSI. We only had one blastocyst to use too.

I wish you all the best in your journey!.

givemeaname · 20/11/2013 15:26

Oh and i forgot to say - if you do go for IVF - dont include the MIL again - she doesnt need to know.

angelinajelly · 20/11/2013 16:04

I'd be tempted to take the line that your DH has voluntarily surrendered his right to privacy, and set the SiL (and anyone else) straight on what the problem is.

Re the fake sympathy, it's awful. Unfortunately the only thing anyone can say that won't make you want to punch them is "I've been there, it's fucking horrible, I understand", and for that reason I think it's something best kept to yourself as far as possible. That's harder if your DP is one of life's sharers though.

FWIW, btw- I've been there, it's fucking horrible, and I understand what you're going through. Good luck, I've got my fingers crossed for you.

lljkk · 20/11/2013 16:08

It wouldn't bother me & I wouldn't care who knew & I'd be amused that they all thought they knew how I felt when they didn't.

HoleyGhost · 20/11/2013 16:17

Why not tell SIL the truth?

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