To be fuming that mil has told everyone we are infertile.

[Mittensonkittens]

Dh told mil that we've found out we are infertile. I didn't want him to tell her because I know what she's like but fair enough I've told my mom (although no one else) so I guess it's up to him. I told him to remind her that we don't want everyone to know, it's no one else's business as far as I'm concerned. Dh's family are all terrible gossips.

On Sunday we were at a family christening and Sil came over and said with a pitying look "this must be really hard for you." I had a sinking feeling I knew where this was going but said "why?" And she said "what with finding out you're infertile." Then she tried to get further information out of me. However during the conversation I also discovered that dh has told his mother I'm the reason we can't have children. This is a lie! It's him. I don't know why this bothered me so much but it really did. Why didn't he just say we were struggling and be non-specific? I totally understand him not wanting to tell his mother about his sperm count but I've had to put up with SIL asking if there's anything "they" can do for me such as clomid before going for full Ivf.

I'm extremely annoyed. I'm damn tempted to tell dh to forget it, I'm not going to have Ivf. I do not want the additional stress of his family asking how it is going and giving me fake sympathy. I don't want people with babies to treat me differently. I'm actually ok with babies anyway, I don't want someone else's, I want my own!

How upsetting, especially your H's lies.

I would tell MIL that she was out of order for spreading inaccurate and personal information gossip. Get DH to tell SIL to butt out. And tell them nothing further.

If your H doesn't understand that he's handled this very badly, denies or minimises lying or objects to witholding info from his family, then that's another problem!

Fertility counselling was really useful for me.

Am assuming that you told your Mum for support and he told his mum because he thought that as yours new his should, but didn't actually think through that she'd want to talk about it so couldn't handle it.

I hope he's apologised to you and agreed to sort his Mum out now he knows how much they've upset you and are likely to continue doing.

Keepthechange seems familiar - was it the line from the film in home alone?

That is from Home Alone when hes playing an old gangster movie to scare the weirdos who are trying to rob his house.

Of course you're upset, Mittens, total sympathy. Infertility is terribly painful. After 10 years of it and a lot of involvement in support groups for it, even compared with having a disabled child, having lost my mother young, having been a refugee as a child and made repeated trans-language moves since, STILL I would say infertility is probably the most stressful experience you will ever suffer. One of the things that will make it worse is the amazing range of stupid, stupid, stupid things the people around you will say and do! And yep, your DH will be one of them. Most men just seem to be crap at handling stress.

You sound like a very sensible person, for example recognizing that your husband might have felt the need to tell his family, so you probably don’t want advice, just moral support. But let me remind you that your MIL telling something to your SIL, presumably her daughter, isn’t gossip on quite the same scale as publishing it in the News of the World (RIP), and that SIL may just not be very good at offering sympathy. Probably no one else knows, and even if they were told, such is normal egocentricism that they promptly forgot again! And anyway, why should you care about what they think? Is it that you feel ashamed? We all do for some reason, but there isn’t any reason to feel ashamed. Try not to yield to the shame.

As far as practical things to do now, I thought Halfling way up there had the best advice. Clearly, your husband need to work through his feelings about his diagnosis. And you are fully entitled to spell out to your in-laws, through your husband or by email or however, that you do not want to be asked anything. Just tell them in plain words that when you are with them you don’t want to be reminded of upsetting things. Since they clearly have no idea what’s the right thing to say or do, this will perhaps come as a relief to them.

And remember this: some day, when it’s all long over, you will look back and marvel at how bravely you navigated infertility. I told no one about it at the time because of that shame. I boast about it to everyone now, because I think I proved I was much tougher than most of the people around me! You are about to find out that you are braver than you knew.

Oh, just to clarify, we went through this same thing about DH husband telling people when I didn't want to. And yes, it's not helpful at all having people asking, "So did the IVF work? When are you doing it again?" I finally told my MIL bluntly, "Please remember that no news is BAD news: it means I'm still not pregnant, and so really unhappy and really unwilling to talk about it." We buried the hatchet when the DC finally came along and distracted us from each other. She's not always been the best MIL perhaps but she is a good granny.

Oh, I so feel for you op and as far as its ever true, I know how you feel. We had iui with donor sperm to conceive our three and despite long and thorough talking through with the people we told the full details to (my parents, pil and dh and my siblings), explicitly saying we expected them to keep the info to themselves, my mother couldn't compute and thought it was okay to share with her gang of friends on a group holiday. One of whom told me how marvellous it was. It is, but it's also a lot to get to grips with and my biggest thing at the time was knowing who knew so I'd not face unexpected questions. It is a miracle we are still in touch, I felt betrayed and very, very angry. I now see her, but I share very little of my life with her and certainly nothing personal. She messed with not only my privacy but that of my children. They all know about their origins, but it's up to them who they share it with, not their grandmother.
I hope you find a way through this, both the infertility, which is awful, and the betrayal of trust from those who should know better.

Thanks jerry and Lucius! I don't know the film. V good username.

What a horrible situation.

It does sound like your husband needs some help to come to terms with the diagnosis.

We have been very open with everyone we are close to about our own struggle (apart from my work colleagues - no need for me to be sidelined from the good projects for something that might never happen). I do accept though that the fact that we are "unexplained" does help as there is no "blame" to be attached to either of us. And importantly, we were both ok with this (although I am generally more of a "sharer" than my husband who is a buttoned-up boarding school boy).

I think I would have set SIL straight - "what? You must have misunderstood. My tests came back normal" or whatever. He opened the can of worms with the lie. I would have felt justified in setting the record straight.

I had 5 rounds of IVF to get my daughter, so understand.

I'd make him tell his mother the truth and expect an apology from her to.

It's not her business to tell other people.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. PM if you've got any questions x

Lovely post CHJR

And just to add...One of the things I'll never forget my dh saying (I won't say I haven't forgiven him but it'll never be forgotten) was while we were undergoing fertility investigations. When he got the results of his sperm count he said 'Well at least we know it's not me.' At that point all my tests had been concluded too and they couldn't find a problem with me either.

It's all so emotive and it very much sounds like your dh is struggling to accept the news that it's his sperm that is causing the issue. He's a tit but try to forgive him. He should not have gabbed to his mother and she absolutely shouldn't have passed on the juicy gossip so I think you need to put a stop to the rumour mills.

CHJH is absolutely right. One day you WILL look back on this tough time and realise that these storms you're weathering now will make you stronger as individuals and as a couple. As crazy as it sounds, I'm glad we struggled to have our ds and I'm REALLY glad we never made another baby because we are utterly grateful for the two children we have, not that everyone else isn't but when you've really struggled then you know when you've won the lottery.

This too shall pass, it really will, and your dh needs some hand holding right now. Men and their sperm have a funny relationship and he's probably feeling a bit emasculated right now.

Should clarify (well, should read post before hitting enter) that our dd was adopted.

I would be so, so angry with this. Like you need this on top of everything. I think I'd tell them a white lie to get them off your backs - that you have decided not to have children, or something else to discuss. As for your DH [grr].

I don't understand why your SIL would raise it, without you raising it first.

Sorry OP. Hope it works out.

What he done was insensitive but I can not believe some of the responses here that it's his fault he is infertile.

It's not his fault that some how he has a low sperm count.

It's not his fault he has a low sperm count but it is his fault that he decided to lie to his mum about the reason they as a couple are having trouble conceiving.

My DB & SIL are currently undergoing their third round of fertility treatment & DB has not mentioned it to our dp's.
He's so determined to keep it a secret, that he is allowing our parents to think that SIL is behaving irrationally (various things relating to the treatment, which wouldn't make sense, otherwise) rather than just tell them the truth. This situation just feels similar, somehow, although of course the facts are all very different.

OP all I can say is that you're a better person that I would have been in this situation. I suspect that I'd have been so incensed that I'd have gone straight to MIL and told her the exact reason why you are unable to conceive i.e your DH's sperm motility. And then perhaps smiled sweetly and asked for her support in trying to help DH come to terms with it.

This probably sounds unfair, I know: coming to terms with a sperm issue can be a massive, massive deal for a man. (One of my children is an IVF baby, and whilst our 'official' diagnosis was unexplained infertility my DH had an incredibly high number of abnormal sperm in his sample and he found that hard to deal with). And the fact that the physical and hormonal strain of IVF lies squarely at the door of the woman probably makes that a million times harder for them to deal with.

But he has been hugely disloyal to you. Disloyal, and unfair, and immature, and insensitive. Yes MIL and SIL are being silly gossiping mares but it's your DH I'd have the major issue with tbh.