To be fuming that mil has told everyone we are infertile.

[Mittensonkittens]

Dh told mil that we've found out we are infertile. I didn't want him to tell her because I know what she's like but fair enough I've told my mom (although no one else) so I guess it's up to him. I told him to remind her that we don't want everyone to know, it's no one else's business as far as I'm concerned. Dh's family are all terrible gossips.

On Sunday we were at a family christening and Sil came over and said with a pitying look "this must be really hard for you." I had a sinking feeling I knew where this was going but said "why?" And she said "what with finding out you're infertile." Then she tried to get further information out of me. However during the conversation I also discovered that dh has told his mother I'm the reason we can't have children. This is a lie! It's him. I don't know why this bothered me so much but it really did. Why didn't he just say we were struggling and be non-specific? I totally understand him not wanting to tell his mother about his sperm count but I've had to put up with SIL asking if there's anything "they" can do for me such as clomid before going for full Ivf.

I'm extremely annoyed. I'm damn tempted to tell dh to forget it, I'm not going to have Ivf. I do not want the additional stress of his family asking how it is going and giving me fake sympathy. I don't want people with babies to treat me differently. I'm actually ok with babies anyway, I don't want someone else's, I want my own!

Wow just wow... That's awful Op and you are totally justified to be angry and hurt. Your MIL should have kept her mouth shut and your DH should have told the truth when telling her. If it was my DH I would tell him to ensure they knew the truth because if asked again in future I would tell them the truth myself.

Your DH should at the very least be reading his mum the riot act. Gossip or not, your feelings are not there for entertainment value for the rest of the family.

It's not very supportive of her to go spilling something to all and sundry that she's been asked not to, the direct result being that you end up cornered at a family event with people poking at something so delicate. He's her son fgs, if he can't confide in her who can he?

I'm not really sure what you should expect from DH by way of apology to you.... I'm projecting massively (I really feel so angry on your behalf!) but I would be in a spin if my DP had done this to me - it comes down to your relationship normally. I appreciate he's probably having a hard time too, but the whole sorry story undermines the facing things as a team.....

What does he plan to do to try and make amends? Nothing is not an acceptable answer.

my mum and Dad (im adopted) told their families but each one said it was them for fear of their families pressuring them to separate.

it must be hard, dh is BU to not tell his mum the truth and his mother is BU to tell other people.

WTF....

nasty way of going on. lies on top of gossiping.. he needs to own up here and I would let them all know you are not happy with them discussing your personal business at all

Perhaps he lied because his family are such gossips? He would be facing gossip about being able to get it up/ejaculate etc....with women its just a mysterious 'barren' no questions asked!

I know the feeling though, imagining the relish in their voices as they tell yet more people the 'news'.

If it didn't matter who, then he should have kept it general, ie tests have shown that we can't, and not put blame on either.

I would tell the ils that you have decided not to go IVF route whether you are going to or not. That way they won't be hanging over you anyway. And make sure dh doesn't tell them if you are.

I totally understand him wanting his Mum's support but I wouldn't want to feel gossipped about.

I expect that they're just concerned for you but that doesn't excuse your MIL to talk to your SIL about your private business unless you specifically asked her too.

Explain that you would have liked more discretion. It has already been done but an apology should be coming your way from both your DH and your MIL.

YANBU!!!! They are both behaving appallingly. MIL shouldn't be telling people, but I have to say I'd be most angry at your DH. Did he know or have cause to suspect that she wouldn't be able to keep it to herself? If so then he shouldn't have told her.

And as for telling her that it's you and not him, that is just shockingly disloyal as well as babyish. WTF is it with men and not being able to admit to fertility problems? He needs to grow up.

I'd want to know NOW how he's going to fix it. My orders suggestions would be to tell MIL that the fertility issue is his and to instruct her not to tell anyone about it.

Lastly, I'm sorry for your news.

I'd get knocked up by another man and tell everyone "it's a miracle!"

Yes, you see that point is EXACTLY why he should have told his mum the truth, that it was him! Because it was your best chance for her to have actually kept quiet about it!

I would seriously be questioning whether I wanted to stay with him, tbh. If he's ready to blame you for all his faults now, just imagine what it will be like if you have any problems in your marriage in the future.

Do you want children very badly? Because I also agree that having any IVF treatment in that family is going to lead to an awful lot of intrusive behaviour, and knowing that it will all become public knowledge very soon would have me running for the hills. I would feel like a specimen on display.

Bloody hell. What a mess!

First off, you have my sympathy as my DH had the same problem, and everyone thought it was me! Used to boil my blood. I came to understand that it was both of us, even though physically it was him.

Anyway, my DH and I managed to keep it all private, (nobody told anyone, as its a personal issue, and also i didnt want any labels, as things change) and underwent three years of scans and trials, until we found out where the major problem lay.

My DH had less than 5 % viable sperm, and those that were alive, swam in circles, if they moved at all, and then promptly died. 95% of them weren't viable, meaning they were badly formed, short lived and couldn't swim.
We were refused IVF and ICSI and IUI as the sperm weren't viable. We were offered it with donated sperm.

But then an amazing thing happened. We conceived!

For two years prior to that, both my DH and i ate organic food rich in zinc and minerals, took solgar suppliments, and were very fit and healthy. I took up yoga, he avoided tight underwear, and saunas ( the usual) and mountain hiked every weekend.

I went for regular scans to see when I was ovulating, and one afternoon my egg was seen leaving the ovary, so i rushed home, called dh and we had a cup of coffee together, and did the deed. I did all the usual elevations afterwards etc.... (romantic!)
Hey presto, we conceived! My egg was leaving my ovary, and met his 5% sperm in the Fallopian tube.

It only takes one superm, so don't write it all off yet.

My feeling is that you aren't infertile as a couple. But that you might want to consider changing your lifestyle, to optimise your chances.

Or you could get rid of your DH and his blabbing, blaming family!!

In seriousness, I think you need to have a chat with your DH, and tell him in no uncertain terms that you feel hurt and betrayed with his false revelations. Fertility issues can have a devastating effect on a couple unless they are honest with each other, and the blame game isn't played.

Also I think you need to have this discussion mediated by a counsellor, as my feeling is that your DH is being a sap and will minimise your feelings about this. He's already playing the poor me card with his parents, and the blame game.

He might even be receiving advice from his family to get shot of you, as "you" are the problem......

Best of luck to you both. And don't give up hope!

He's a real piece of work. As is your MIL. When he speaks to her, he needs to set the record entirely straight. He wants to share this deeply personal news of yours with everybody, he can share the facts, not his own distortion.

How horrible for you, and what a family you've married into there.

OP I really feel for you. It's a really difficult time Bd this us the last thing you need.
Your SIL was very insensitive to even mention it to you. Your DH needs to have a very firm talk with his mum, she needs to realise that her actions are not acceptable.

We are in a similar situation and currently considering IVF options so I do have done idea of what your going through. We took the decision to tell our immediate families as I was getting so tired of people asking when we are going to start a family!! People have no idea how there words can hurt and I think they don't know what to say! My mum hasnt mentioned it since the day I told her about us being infertile and I find that weird too.

Everyone deals with it differently and your DH needs to step up and try to put this right.

vtechjazz I can assure you there isn't a "mysterious barren, no questions asked". There are so many negative ways in which a woman's infertility can be talked about.

She's too old - she shouldn't have left it too long - she must be a hard-nosed career-oriented b*tch who doesn't care about her husband having kids. Or she can't relax - she must be too uptight. Or she weighs too much/little - she cares more about her food/figure than her husband having kids. Or she hasn't tried this magic pill/alternative treatment/seen this healer so isn't willing to do enough to get pregnant.

This is exactly why we decided not to tell my mil about our issues. After her "oh it obviously wasn't meant to be" and "you probably should have waited to tell people you were pregnant" (we only told both mothers) following my ectopic we knew a) she'd probably be insensitive and b) she's a blabber mouth that likes drama. She still doesn't know we had issues other than it taking a while nor does she know that 2 of our kids were as result of ivf

I would be furious with DH. Absolutely.

You told him not to tell her.

He told her and he told her the wrong thing.

I would suggest he corrects her and tells her to tell everyone all over again.

I think I would make them gather all the people she has told together and he firstly explain that it is his issue that is the infertility problem and mil to then stand up and explain that she was asked to keep this private but her inability to do so has embarrassed her dil as well as shamlessly spread her son's lie!

YANBU I would be furious with them both but more so your DH. If he's going to share such info he should at least be honest and not try pass the 'blame' onto you.

No wonder you're furious. Your DH should have had the sense not to tell his mum if he knew she would blab to everyone. I think I might try and get the courage to phone her myself and say how hurt and angry you were after she told everybody. And would she please keep quiet about your personal situation in future.

YANBU this is so so horrible, I am so sorry you are going through all this

DH is wrong and needs to speak to his mother pronto - just tell her it isn't you, it's both of you (or even better admit it is him!) and could she not tell people please. Tell his whole family to back off, it is a personal issue not a topic to be gossiping about!

SIL needs to take a class in tact and diplomacy, insensitive does not even begin to cover it. All three owe you a mahoosive apology and tons of grovelling.

FWIW whatever your "medical" issue is, people will come forward with "advice" - I had people giving me various crap from the internet about diet/herbs/vitamins etc. when I had fucking cancer. This will not make you feel better but it may help a little to know it is a common reaction.

I can partly understand why your dh lied to his mum, there is a rather nasty stigma attached to being infertile and depending on how his family were likely to react he possibly wanted to avoid it (I've been through this with my own mother why I found out I'd never have bio children). With that said, his lie was a deplorable act and if he didn't want his mother to know the truth she should have either said nothing at all or refused to give an indication of who has an 'issue'.

Your MiL gossiping and your SiL behaving the way she did are both reprehensible!

You are owed apologies from all sides here, but I am particularly horrified that your 'D'H hasn't stepped in to immediately correct the misinformation, rebuke his sister for her insensitivity and take his mother to task for spreading information she was asked to keep in confidence.

Sorry to say this but I would have told SIL the real reason straight out! I would probably have been being unreasonable but I would have been so p*ed off.

I would be annoyed with all of them too!

I think dh needs to tell his family the real reason now because you can't be left having to put up with fake sympathy about your supposed "issue".

I think a bigger issue is at play here. You need to help your DH deal with his issues about discovering that he is infertile. He may be struggling with a lot of things internally. That needs to be fixed first.

Unless he has form for deceiving and gossiping, it will be better to put your anger on the back burner. And you don't owe any clarifications to relatives and friends. Figure out an appropriate and standard response to their questions. There is no need to clarify, set the information right or discuss issues in greater details.

And tell your DH that you feel betrayed by his lie. You understand that this is a very difficult time for both of you but the way he has dealt with this is inadequate and improper. However, you will try to support him and hopefully get past this.

If your DH really needed to tell his mum for support he should have told her the truth. If he wanted to keep a private matter private he shouldn't have told her. I'd be furious about this.

MIL probably shouldn't have told SIL but, frankly, this is the least of your worries. :(