AIBU regarding MIL and her arrangements with my child??

[ChristmasYoni]

Hi ladies, long time lurker first time poster, PomBears, Naice Ham, Yonis etc etc. I need some opinions on if I am being totally unreasonable or not as I just don't know!

So my MIL asked if she could take my daughter (3) to a pantomime over Christmas and I said of course, she asked if any days were inconvenient and I told her two dates we had planned, she said no problem she would be booking on a weekend date anyway.

Received a text today saying she had booked the tickets for Christmas Eve. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have called to check this was ok first? I know she asked what dates were inconvenient but I thought Christmas Eve and Day went without saying. With hindsight I should have said obviously not the 24th/25th/26th but I honestly thought this would be an unspoken understandment.

I do appreciate my MIL treating my Daughter and spending time to give her a day out, but this is the first christmas she understands properly and I have put loads of thought into what we can do on Xmas eve to get her all excited for Father Christmas and iv been buying little activity packs and DVDs etc to get us in the spirit! Now she will be gone from around 1pm to maybe 5 or 6ish because it is a fair distance away :-( I feel like I'm missing all the magical time with my little girl but at the same time feel like I can't say anything because she did run it by me first!

So please, honest opinions. Am I being precious and unreasonable when she asked me or would you have thought me wanting to spend Xmas eve with my little girl goes without saying??

Thanks for reading.

YABU and I agree with what Nanny0gg has said, she asked you for dates, booked on a date you hadn't mentioned & yet your MIL is still in the wrong.

Christmas Eve is a normal working day for most, including your DH!

Curlew - I agree.

Whoever said 'she's had her turn', well maybe she hasn't.
When I was little it was grandparents that did the treating and a lot of the special days out. Yes we did things with our parents, but doing special things with grandparents was normal and my mum wouldn't have dreamed of thinking 'no they can't so that with PILs/my parents because I want to do it' wah wah wah stamp feet like a spoilt toddler.

There are some incredibly nasty and malicious comments on this thread. Hopefully you will all have a lonely old age cast aside by your families because 'you've had your turn'.

The OP's dh is working a half day on Christmas Eve. Not at all unusual - my current office closes at 1pm. So not a totally normal working day, and maybe he too might like to play with his little girl on Christmas Eve.

I just can't see how this is pushing barriers. And to the the poster who said some may not have been on the receiving end of 'controlling' grandparents - well, no, I haven't. My mother is dead, my father is disinterested and my in-laws are an international flight away. I would love for my kids to have a grandparent loving and near enough to take them for treats like this.

I don't think mil has acted maliciously. You can still do Xmas activities to get dd in the festive mood on 23rd and then she'll have a spectacular time at the panto on 24th! Just make sure mil knows to get her home in time for a normal bedtime so she's not cranky of Xmas day. (Dd that is not mil.)

Then you and dh can enjoy a bit of couple time on Xmas eve while you wrap dd's pressies and have a glass of wine!

I think MIL was intending to book for a weekend but then discovered there were tickets available for Christmas eve. If she didn't know about the activities/special things you had arranged for DD, she thought it would be special for her. It will be interesting to see in a couple of years' time whether she will be as willing to take all three of your DC on her own! I think you can mention that while you are grateful and DD will have a lovely time, and clearly the twins are too young to enjoy it, in the future you hope to do things as a family so that there is no favouritism.
You can then say that next year you, DH and the DC will be at home starting Christmas eve traditions, which will you hope will become the norm. This should be clear enough for MIL.

I think leaving it for this year if you can't change the tickets won't be the end of the world. I do think that you need to be more careful about talking to MIL about ideas and plans for activities with the DC until they have been arranged, so that she is given less opportunity to get in first. Be more pro-active so that she is the one being invited to join you. If she calls you with an idea or an invitation while you are a bit distracted, don't confirm anything there and then, say you'll get back to her if you aren't sure about dates/times. In fact, sometimes it is easier to provide dates that are acceptable, rather than ones to avoid because manipulative people tend to be drawn to the ones you don't want them to be! (Unless you definitely have something on that can't be changed, or you aren't there.)

Do all your special bits on the 23rd. Let mil take her on the 24th. Say to mil, silly me I meant to say not xmas eve, but no harm done. If you want to take her next year, can we opt for before xmas eve or after boxing day. Making an issue of it will cause unnecessary bad feeling. Just have your shit together a bit better next year!

YABU she asked if there were any dates that weren't suitable and you didn't mention christmas eve, if it was THAT important you would have mentioned it.

Also does a three year old really need a whole afternoon of activities relating to christmas to get in the mood for it?

Oh, and I have been a parent for 17 years now. One thing I have learned, the hard way, is that you can't create traditions! or magic- it just happens. You have no idea what things you do in your first few Christmasses as a family will become the essentials that they are still expecting when they are adults- I would never have guessed, for example that post it notes in the stockings and prawn curly on Christmas Eve would become fixed in our family Christmas. You can try, but children are past masters at derailing. Plan "magic" for Christmas Eve for weeks, and your children might rather watch TV or play on their own. So you may have to relax, and accept that the pantomime with Grandma might (or might not) become an essential. Just wait and see. Oh, and have something lovely to come home to-a Christmas Eve tea.

Prawn curry, not curly!

msmoss makes a good point. What will you do if DD wanders off after a while to do something else not Christmas related? Will you be left feeling disappointed? On the other hand nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Also this year you will find out whether DD enjoys panto, without the expense and bother of having to leave the theatre if it's a disaster!