AIBU regarding MIL and her arrangements with my child??

[ChristmasYoni]

Hi ladies, long time lurker first time poster, PomBears, Naice Ham, Yonis etc etc. I need some opinions on if I am being totally unreasonable or not as I just don't know!

So my MIL asked if she could take my daughter (3) to a pantomime over Christmas and I said of course, she asked if any days were inconvenient and I told her two dates we had planned, she said no problem she would be booking on a weekend date anyway.

Received a text today saying she had booked the tickets for Christmas Eve. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have called to check this was ok first? I know she asked what dates were inconvenient but I thought Christmas Eve and Day went without saying. With hindsight I should have said obviously not the 24th/25th/26th but I honestly thought this would be an unspoken understandment.

I do appreciate my MIL treating my Daughter and spending time to give her a day out, but this is the first christmas she understands properly and I have put loads of thought into what we can do on Xmas eve to get her all excited for Father Christmas and iv been buying little activity packs and DVDs etc to get us in the spirit! Now she will be gone from around 1pm to maybe 5 or 6ish because it is a fair distance away :-( I feel like I'm missing all the magical time with my little girl but at the same time feel like I can't say anything because she did run it by me first!

So please, honest opinions. Am I being precious and unreasonable when she asked me or would you have thought me wanting to spend Xmas eve with my little girl goes without saying??

Thanks for reading.

Look OP, you're not happy - these are your children, she had hers and had her time to do all this stuff - this is your turn!

Also - I get the feeling if she'd asked properly, said she'd love to have some time with your DD on Xmas Eve - you would have been ok with it. But you feel that she's deliberately trying to get her own way kind of behind your back - and push the boundaries.

It doesn't need to be a big thing. Personally I'd check that tickets could be changed yourself, then tell her Xmas Eve not good - but no worries, I checked and it's easy to change it.

But yes I'd change it.

'she does it in a very sweet almost patronising sort of way...'

God yes, I'd be very sweetly finding another date for the panto visit.

I think YANBU. I always loved Christmas Eve as a child. Such an exciting day, really magical-I know I sound daft!
I would be really bothered by this as I already have lovely snuggly things planned to do with my 2 on the day.
I wouldn't have thought to specify either as it wouldn't occur to me that anyone would think they could take my dd away for hours on the afternoon of Christmas Eve -now I have read the other responses I see I am unusual but thought I would post to add some support!

YABcompletelyU particularly with this bit

"She does have a tendency to do things like this but I just suck it up and smile usually."

You mean, she has a tendency to treat your daughter to a lovely special treat, having taken the time to check with you first which days would / wouldn't work for you ? What a rotten thing for a grandparent to do

oh, and I am nowhere near as nice as you. I would say they have to rearrange for a weekend/other date as you have plans. Obviously you may have to reimburse the tickets(since technically you didn't specify) if they can't rearrange but that would be a price worth paying for me!

I think YANBU as she said weekend, it's not a weekend and it's not unreasonable to think Christmas Eve is special.

On the other hand, why not let her go and then next year if MIL asks again be much clearer that you have plans for Christmas Eve.

If you are really lucky, your DD will turn out to hate panto (I did, still not got over it) and your MIL will be in no hurry to repeat the experience. Not every child is going to like panto atmosphere just like there's always a child who is scared of Santa (yes, that was me as well).

No backforgood has a tendency to do things that she knows will upset/get to me, so does it anyway and only let's me know about it when it's too late, ie after she's booked the tickets, after she's taken dd to somewhere I said I was going to take her

I would ring her up and say that obviously you had both been talking at cross purposes handy phrase to take blame off either of you as she had said that she would book tickets at the weekend rather than on a weekday, so you have already organised Christmas Eve.

Then ask her if it is possible to change the tickets - if it is, fantastic. Don't mention the if not scenario yet - otherwise she won't bother to see if it is possible to change them. Or even better - if you ring up the theatre, explain what happened and see if they let people change tickets. I bet they won't mind as I bet they will easily sell more panto tickets for christmas eve. Then ring her up, say about talking at cross purposes and already got xmas eve organised etc - but that the great news is you've checked with the theatre and not only are they happy to exchange the tickets but they still have places on the [insert dates available that are suitable to you] and isn't that really lucky. Which date would be best for her?

Then she can't really stomp her foot and say that she wants to do the granny/gc xmas eve panto treat thing without seeming spoiled. Of course, she may well have had lots of party invites or have other things that she wanted to do over the weekends which is why she spotted an opportunity and grabbed it.

But yes, definitely think she should have checked with you about xmas eve, particularly after saying she would go for a weekend day.

good luck!

But SHE ASKED YOU if she could take her, and she asked you which dates to avoid, and you didn't say Christmas Eve. It's not at all obvious to at least half the population (going by this thread) that you would want to do something special on Christmas Eve - every parent I know would be really glad to have their dc being entertained elsewhere so they had a chance to do some last minute preparation. OK, clearly, in your mind, you had other plans, but your MiL is not a mind reader, that's why she asked you.

I'm sorry, but I'm glad I'm not MiL to some of you.

Talk about Can't Do Right For Doing Wrong...

Omg. This would piss me right off. Yadnbu.

If she pushes boundaries, you need to reset them. Doesn't matter how subtle she is. You don't need to be cross but you do need to assert yourself. And also learn to pre-empt these scenarios ie "we can't do the 20th and the 22nd but let me know before you book anything so that I can double check that we haven't had anything else crop up".

It is a nice gesture but it smacks of "I'll do what I want and I don't really need to justify it".

Fwiw I do think GPs get a bit carried away and blinkered by their own adoration for DGCs and in my own experience I have felt at times that my ILs feel DD is " theirs" and the fact that I'm not makes me feel that they think that I'm a "barrier".

To all those saying the OP is being unreasonable I suspect you've never been on the receiving end of a controlling parent/IL and couldn't see it as anything other than a genuine oversight. This doesn't feel like a genuine oversight to me...

How on earth was the poor woman supposed to know??

She was given specific days not to do. Christmas Eve was not one of them!

She is not psychic!

Thank you guys, I feel much better knowing its not just me, okay not everyone agrees but I'm not completely alone!

". She does have a tendency to do things like this but I just suck it up and smile usually"

What, things like saying she would like to take your dd for a special treat, asking what days are inconvenient, and booking tickets for a free day? What an absolute cow.

OP, I read the whole thread, but I think I missed what you had planned for Christmas Eve?

Growing up for me, we never did anything on Christmas Eve, so it wouldn't necessarily occur to me the someone had something planned on Christmas Eve, except perhaps church, but that's usually pretty late in the evening. I think if she asked you and you didn't specify Christmas Eve was off-limits, you should let your daughter go. Unless it conflicts with what you already had planned.

I think it's nice. My lovely sis took DD1 to the cinema last year on Christmas Eve, it was great as I was busy with last minute preparations and she would have been bored otherwise.

Why don't you get a ticket as well and call it a family treat/tradition?

You are being unreasonable since she asked you for specific dates and you said none apart from two yet you did not specify. Obviously Xmas is a no brainer I don't celebrate Xmas and I know that much, but Xmas eve if it is a special day in your family then you should have told her, she obviously wasn't aware. I'd leave it and in future make her aware of particular dates.

One poster made a comment about mil trying to steal her thunder what a load of rubbish, I've noticed a lot of in law hatred in society in general and sadly a lot is reflected here too. I hope I'm not deemed a witch of a mil if I live long enough and decide to take my grandchild out some where the day before Eid, lo and behold I may be deemed a vindictive bitch for it. What utter nonsense!

Anyways side note I'm ignorant so for those of you who see Xmas eve as a special day, what do you do on Xmas eve I'm not being sarcastic truly interested to know thank you .

Many people would be frantically happy to have someone take a child on Christmas Eve whilst they wrap and cook.

In the States, I feel lucky to have half of the 24th and all the 25th off. The British seem to think you can take the week...

YABU

All the fuss there is about Christmas Eve these days is weird, it isn't a bank holiday, it is just a normal day until the evening.

I cannot see how it is thunder stealing in the slightest, she is just doing a nice thing.

If your mil really loves your dd but does not get to see her on Xmas day maybe she wanted to do something with her as close to the day as possible. Will you be seeing her on Xmas day as well as Xmas eve? If not perhaps this is why she chose the day and maybe genuinely not thinking you had something special planned. Anyway I don't know about your dd but I know mine did not go to bed early on Xmas eve! So maybe you can split your planned activities between the morning and after she gets back.

Definitely it's threads like this that make me very wary of doing anything with or for my brothers' children. I don't want to buy them something they don't have (in case it's a designated special thing that parents should give that I don't realise), take them anywhere (same reason), of anything because if there's one thing mumsnet makes clear, it's that in-laws doing anything at all, no matter how seemingly nice, with no malice and only the intention to build a loving relationship with the kids, it will probably be taken as badly as possible.

My parents used to take my DCs off somewhere every Christmas Eve afternoon so that I could get things organised at home. It gave me time to give the house a bit of a tidy and pack stockings and hide them for the morning and a bit of peace.

DH used to pick them up on his way home from work and I'd have a lovely meal ready and our Christmas began then.

I was delighted to have them out of the way and excited somewhere else for a while.

A Christmas Eve Panto is a lovely thing - the best day to go.

"If you are really lucky, your DD will turn out to hate panto (I did, still not got over it) and your MIL will be in no hurry to repeat the experience"

This is up there with the most mean spirited things I have ever read on mumsnet......

I don't think you are bu, we went last year on Xmas eve, started at 1pm, with the intervals and travel we didn't get home til nearly 7pm by which point DD was ravenous and crazy tired, oh what a treat for you to deal with Xmas eve night after missing the nice day part

Christmas Eve is a special day to me too, especially the evening and if the MIL doesn't bring her dgd back until 6pm then that's all of the afternoon and most of the evening gone assuming that we are talking about a small child here.

I would have been very taken aback if someone had assumed that Christmas Eve was a day like any other and not double checked that doing something that afternoon was OK. The grandmother didn't give any indication that she was thinking of Christmas Eve, so I don't really see why the OP needed to say no to it, from the conversation I would have assumed that the panto date would have been the weekend before or after Christmas.

I would check with the theatre about changing it and let your MIL know when would be better for you.