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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding MIL and her arrangements with my child??

111 replies

ChristmasYoni · 19/11/2013 20:37

Hi ladies, long time lurker first time poster, PomBears, Naice Ham, Yonis etc etc. I need some opinions on if I am being totally unreasonable or not as I just don't know!

So my MIL asked if she could take my daughter (3) to a pantomime over Christmas and I said of course, she asked if any days were inconvenient and I told her two dates we had planned, she said no problem she would be booking on a weekend date anyway.

Received a text today saying she had booked the tickets for Christmas Eve. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have called to check this was ok first? I know she asked what dates were inconvenient but I thought Christmas Eve and Day went without saying. With hindsight I should have said obviously not the 24th/25th/26th but I honestly thought this would be an unspoken understandment.

I do appreciate my MIL treating my Daughter and spending time to give her a day out, but this is the first christmas she understands properly and I have put loads of thought into what we can do on Xmas eve to get her all excited for Father Christmas and iv been buying little activity packs and DVDs etc to get us in the spirit! Now she will be gone from around 1pm to maybe 5 or 6ish because it is a fair distance away :-( I feel like I'm missing all the magical time with my little girl but at the same time feel like I can't say anything because she did run it by me first!

So please, honest opinions. Am I being precious and unreasonable when she asked me or would you have thought me wanting to spend Xmas eve with my little girl goes without saying??

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 19/11/2013 21:22

Fat chance of me being able to sort things with two screaming babies

Won't it be nicer for your DD then to spend a few hours at a pantomime with gran?

You've still got her all morning and she's home by tea time.

FixItUpChappie · 19/11/2013 21:23

YANBU - I think its pretty common sense to think that most parents would like to be with their children on Christmas Eve. Common enough to at least check beforehand at any rate. I ask her to rearrange the tickets personally and if not possible let her know for future reference.

TwinkleSparkleBling · 19/11/2013 21:24

YANBU. Not sure how old your DD is but my eldest is 3 this year and it's the first time that she's getting excited about Christmas.

I would disagree with many of the posters about Christmas Eve not being special. It is. To arrange an activity for a child on this day without checking with the parents is daft, in my mind it would go without saying that 24/25/26 were off limits unless specifically asked for.

I'd ask her to change it, use the excuse it's not a weekend but then I do like to get things my own way

Xmasbaby11 · 19/11/2013 21:26

YABU. She's not a mind reader. You should have said if you didn't want her going that day.

Sorry though - you sound very disappointed.

FixItUpChappie · 19/11/2013 21:27

Ohhhh wait a minute - I missed that she will be home by 5 or 6pm. In that case don't make her rearrange. That is still plenty of time to enjoy the actual evening part of Christmas eve. She'll have fun with her nan and you'll all win. Ignore my previous suggestion.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/11/2013 21:30

Well, you posted because you do think she's being cheeky so if you think that, then do or say something...for example 'Oh, no not Christmas eve, I didn't say that wasn't convenient as you said you were going to book a weekend, so if you could change the dates that would be great. We are hopefully going out ourselves that afternoon so she won't be here'.

That sort of thing.

If you don't stop this now you will never stop it.

Mattissy · 19/11/2013 21:35

YABU, she checked dates and you didn't mention it then, she didn't know she was doing anything wrong. Just remember to mention it next year.

We always go NYE, it's great!

Nnnnnnn · 19/11/2013 21:35

In your position, I wouldn't have specified Xmas Eve as being inconvenient either, I'd have thought it was obvious that it would be.

stayathomegardener · 19/11/2013 21:37

She said weekend ,Xmas eve this year is a Tuesday?
Change it but perhaps phone the theater first to see if this is an option

IAlwaysThought · 19/11/2013 21:41

I would leave it. Your DD will really enjoy it and she will probably enjoy a little special time away from her siblings. You DMIL did ask so I think she is in the clear. I doubt she is trying to replace you, she probably just thinks it will be nice for your DD. Going to a pantomime ON Christmas Eve is great fun. It's the best time.

Next year, you will be wiser.

If it were me I would try and get her into thinking that this is her special Christmas tradition and that she will be taking all the kids - it will be a few years until the little ones are old enough but once they are I would get her to take all of them then I would get your DH to take the day off. You could go out for a fabulous lunch with no kids.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 19/11/2013 21:53

I think YABU. Christmas eve for a child who knows about Christmas is a bloody long day, and I think you should probably be glad that it's being broken into sections a bit! By lunchtime you will possibly be quite glad she's getting a change of scene for a little while.

MIL is trying to do something nice and wants to share some Christmassy time with her granddaughter: she wasn't to know you had an attachment to Christmas eve, really!

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 19/11/2013 21:59

YANBU

Christmas Eve is a special day, she should have checked with you before she bought the tickets once she decided on that day

Original poster
ChristmasYoni · 19/11/2013 22:04

Deffinately a mixed reaction from everyone then! I am guessing it just depends on people's traditions and maybe she didn't think anything of it (although knowing her she probably did!). I won't hold a grudge or ruin my daughters day out I just wish she had taken a minute to think and send a text first.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/11/2013 22:05

Could you ask her to change the panto, and then invite her to join you at yours for the Christmas Eve afternoon nice activities? Not sure how you / your DP would feel about this - do you get along well enough?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 19/11/2013 22:06

She should have text op, don't worry though the evening of Christmas Eve is the best part of the day Smile

tyaca · 19/11/2013 22:07

She should have checked tbh, xmas eve is a bit different to other days. It's a really lovely thought, granny taking dd to panto on xmas eve, but it was worth an extra call on her part just to flag up the day.

Saying that, if she knew your dh is working, maybe she thought it would be nice for you to have a little time off?

Your dd will have an ace day. Did you really have 12hrs of xmas eve fun planned for the four of you? If so then I am very impressed Grin.

And to all those "stealing your thunder" posters... really? get a grip!

Original poster
ChristmasYoni · 19/11/2013 22:08

I am planning on making a nice evening meal for when they return so she can stay and play with the little ones, we get along ok she just pushes boundaries sometimes!

OP posts:
OralB · 19/11/2013 22:16

YANBU

I would be really upset too. Can you call mil and explain what you had planned and ask her to change it?

If not I'd ask to bring her home as soon as possible - so no stopping to get food etc and start the magic when she gets home?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 19/11/2013 22:18

you know it might not be too bad. Give you a couple of hours to do last minute stuff a few drinks and get the turduck defrosted or spend some time with dp or other dc if you have them.I bet they cost her a bomb and were like gold dust. It could be the start of a nice Christmas tradition for them (And dg aren't here forever) Smile

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 19/11/2013 22:21

No food, no magic, please, just deliver her home ASAP? That would be U.

MammaTJ · 19/11/2013 22:21

I would love someone to take my DC off my hands when the busy prep for Christmas day was going on. YABU!

KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 19/11/2013 22:21

YANBU at all.

I too would have assumed that Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day would have been 'off limits' automatically without having to specifically say it.

Clearly for many it's not the case, but Xmas Eve IS classed as a 'special' day to some. I wouldn't mind at all the dc going out for an hour or two in the morning or early afternoon - but not getting back until 6? That's the majority of the day gone.

There's no need to make a big deal over it. Just an 'Oh! Sorry, I did have some plans for Xmas Eve, I didn't think you'd be thinking of that day. When else can you rearrange it for?'

It's not ungrateful at all. There are plenty of other days, and in the scheme of things, a phone call/email etc to rearrange the tickets isn't really that much of a PITA.

You want to spend Xmas Eve with your children - completely understandable. If your MIL makes any sort of issue over it, it is her being u, not you.

Howstricks · 19/11/2013 22:23

I think tyaca has it about right. I expect your mil will also enjoy a share of the Christmas magic..sounds like between you and her your dd is in for a wonderful time. Hope you all have a super Christmas.

WaitingForMe · 19/11/2013 22:28

Seriously? OP is not being the slightest bit unreasonable. It would never occur to me that Christmas Eve was a date not to mention.

We alternate the years with DSSs mother. This year we get Christmas eve/Christmas morning. It's equally special getting ready for Santa (the boys make their own mince pies) and having the big family meal. I like that we alternate as given we can't have both, I'd be pushed to choose which I prefer.

DH is taking DS to a party on Christmas eve (at inlaws, I'm staying at home as we're hosting my lot) and I'm struggling enough with that!

phantomnamechanger · 19/11/2013 22:30

I would be mighty miffed/disappointed too OP. To keep the peace you probably have to let it go this year but be aware that granny may think she is starting a new tradition, and this will become the expected norm.

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