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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding MIL and her arrangements with my child??

111 replies

ChristmasYoni · 19/11/2013 20:37

Hi ladies, long time lurker first time poster, PomBears, Naice Ham, Yonis etc etc. I need some opinions on if I am being totally unreasonable or not as I just don't know!

So my MIL asked if she could take my daughter (3) to a pantomime over Christmas and I said of course, she asked if any days were inconvenient and I told her two dates we had planned, she said no problem she would be booking on a weekend date anyway.

Received a text today saying she had booked the tickets for Christmas Eve. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have called to check this was ok first? I know she asked what dates were inconvenient but I thought Christmas Eve and Day went without saying. With hindsight I should have said obviously not the 24th/25th/26th but I honestly thought this would be an unspoken understandment.

I do appreciate my MIL treating my Daughter and spending time to give her a day out, but this is the first christmas she understands properly and I have put loads of thought into what we can do on Xmas eve to get her all excited for Father Christmas and iv been buying little activity packs and DVDs etc to get us in the spirit! Now she will be gone from around 1pm to maybe 5 or 6ish because it is a fair distance away :-( I feel like I'm missing all the magical time with my little girl but at the same time feel like I can't say anything because she did run it by me first!

So please, honest opinions. Am I being precious and unreasonable when she asked me or would you have thought me wanting to spend Xmas eve with my little girl goes without saying??

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 19/11/2013 20:51

It sounds like a lovely thing for DD to do with her granny. It will give you a bit of quiet time to get things organised and maybe even put your feet up for a while. I don't think anyones thunder is being stolen. After all santa gets all the big licks and he isn't even real!

WhoNickedMyName · 19/11/2013 20:52

We always take DS and our niece to a pantomime Christmas Eve. My SIL
uses it as a chance to wrap gifts, clean up, get any last minute bits sorted.

Let her go this year... Who knows, you might be glad of the time and hope your MIL makes it a regular yearly thing Wink.

servingwench · 19/11/2013 20:55

I think you shouldn't have had to say "not Christmas Eve" and I wouldn't like it.
Can you ask to go too and explain you wanted to be with dd on the 24th?

Original poster
ChristmasYoni · 19/11/2013 20:59

Don't want her to think I am being awkward asking her to swap it and don't want her to have the hassle of doing so, plus she might not be able to and then we may both feel a little awkward. She does have a tendency to do things like this but I just suck it up and smile usually. I suppose I will just have to let it go and pack as much into the hours I do have. Fat chance of me being able to sort things with two screaming babies lol I have to be manic at bedtime but at least DD will have a nice Xmas eve. Sigh

OP posts:
Twoandtwomakeschaos · 19/11/2013 21:01

"A tendency to do what sort of thing"?

Iris445 · 19/11/2013 21:03

Yanbu, we do festive things Christmas eve.

Sory she would need to change that.

HabitualHobbyist · 19/11/2013 21:04

I would normally say YAB a bit U, but after you gave your MIL the dates to avoid, she did say 'no problem she would be booking on a weekend date anyway'. I would have treated that as a green light to continue booking up my mid week (Tuesday was midweek last time I checked) and so it was quite reasonable for you to assume Xmas Eve was yours to use as you liked.

Having said all that, if you've chosen not to say anything, just treat it as a reminder to double/triple check any arrangements in the future.

SteamWisher · 19/11/2013 21:04

YANBU

Just because Christmas eve isn't special for other people, it doesn't mean that rule applies to you.

You want your dd there for Christmas eve so speak up and ask your MIL to change it. Don't dwell on it, just do it.

Original poster
ChristmasYoni · 19/11/2013 21:05

It's hard to put into words without sounding like an ungrateful cow. Just tries to take my place sometimes I suppose. If I say I am planning on taking DD somewhere in a week or two she will take her out for the day and when they get back I find out they have been there, ie the farm or fair. I suppose stealing my thunder is sort of the right word, she does it in a very sweet almost patronising sort of way but always keeps it quiet until she has done it so I can't object such as booking the tickets without checking the day knowing I had fun ideas planned although nothing official in this instance of course

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 19/11/2013 21:10

well, I would have thought it went without saying, and all the more so as it isn't a weekend and your MIL said it would be. In which case, I think you have reasonable grounds to ask her to change it - say you hadn't specified not Christmas Eve as she had said it would be a weekend and you have things planned.

Salmotrutta · 19/11/2013 21:10

So presumably if your DH is working, and probably won't be home until the same time as your DD, he wouldn't have been included in this "special" time you wanted to have with your DD?

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 19/11/2013 21:12

In which case, Christmas, I think you ought to reclaim your Christmas Eve and the plans you had for it, the more so, as said above, it isn't the weekend she promised.

Original poster
ChristmasYoni · 19/11/2013 21:14

No salmon he wouldn't have, it doesn't mean I couldn't have enjoyed it with her though. He will be finishing work half day so will be home an hour or two after she has left. He understands why I am upset and told me to tell her to change it if I want her to, they don't get along very well and she will think it is him being awkward so he is kindly leaving it to me lol as apparently I can word things better than him!

OP posts:
DeepThought · 19/11/2013 21:14

In the panto scenario yabu a bit

wrt her 'stealing' ideas (bet she does it around prezzies too!) You have to develop a habit of not telling her. Btdt.

kungfupannda · 19/11/2013 21:14

YABU. It's a working day, as others have said, and she did specifically ask you, before booking.

Besides, a pantomime on Christmas Eve, and then home to hang up her stocking. How lovely.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/11/2013 21:16

Just tell her but do it ASAP. Its unfair on her to leave it much later and its unfair on both of you to seeth and not try to fix it

ZenNudist · 19/11/2013 21:16

I'm in the camp that thinks its not a 'no brainer' that christmas eve is a special day. To me Christmas Eve is a chore day, delivering gifts, last minute food bits. I'd love ds to go out with his gps.

Sounds lovely for yr dd & them & peaceful for you.

If you're upset tell her so now rather than bottling up resentment. Explain that in your family Christmas Eve is traditionally a holiday day so you'd made plans with your dd. Obviously you appreciate there's been a big misunderstanding as you thought this was the same for everyone. Tell her you understand that she can't now change plans (tickets are generally non-transferable so don't even ask). You're just letting her know for future Christmases.

LucilleBluth · 19/11/2013 21:17

I actually do t think yabu and I loathe whinging MIL threads. My DD will be three in a few weeks and I am taking her to the panto. I also have two older DSs and I know how fleeting this magical age is. I would ask her to rearrange.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2013 21:17

I know people who always do Panto on Christmas Eve as it starts the excitement for the children.

Just think, in a couple of years' time you will all be able to go.

Would that be so bad?

LucilleBluth · 19/11/2013 21:18

Don't think yabu.....

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2013 21:18

If you're upset tell her so now rather than bottling up resentment. Explain that in your family Christmas Eve is traditionally a holiday day so you'd made plans with your dd. Obviously you appreciate there's been a big misunderstanding as you thought this was the same for everyone. Tell her you understand that she can't now change plans (tickets are generally non-transferable so don't even ask). You're just letting her know for future Christmases.

Which will just cause a big upset as MiL will feel totally in the wrong.

KepekCrumbs · 19/11/2013 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrillyMilly · 19/11/2013 21:20

YANBU she said weekend and Xmas eve is not a weekend. In our house DH works half a day but I never work Christmas Eve so it's a lovely special day for me and the kids. I would mention it. Say you have plans or that you don't want her to be shattered and playing up when she gets home. My dd is always on a sugar crash and very tired when she's been out with granny.

Bloob · 19/11/2013 21:20

YANBU. Ask her to rearrange.

It goes without question that Christmas Eve is special. Obviously that would be something to check with the parents.

I would be really upset if mil did that.

Bonsoir · 19/11/2013 21:21

I think it's your mistake and that you must live with it. It's not a big deal.