Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

• not render you a bastard.

Oh, I was going to say something along those lines AnyFuckingJessie.

I hate it when people diagnose autism/AS/NPD etc over the net. It is far, far more likely that this man is just a bastard. He can get what he wants no matter how unreasonable because he simply doesn't care what people think of him, so he'll behave as childishly and idiotically as he feels like because that's what will make him win. And if he wins, who cares if your parents think he's a dick. He's won! And as he's won, why shouldn't he push some more - and who cares if he's unreasonable towards you - because he will win again.

So long as he wins, he doesn't care.

You need to be very careful about what you do next OP. Any sudden changes on your part may set him into overdrive, so whilst it might be interesting to challenge him on his behaviour, I'm not sure it would be useful.

Sadly at this point, based on all you have posted, it looks like you are at a crossroads. Either you can continue to try to keep your marriage together or you can focus on separating and building a different future for you and your daughter. I can't see how you can do both simultaneously and personally I think you would be better placed to focus on the latter.

See the solicitor and get his/her advice. Although he isn't working, your DD continues to go to childcare on the days you are working, therefore I can't see how he would be construed as the primary care giver (although I am clearly no expert on the matter). Do not, whatever you do take her out of nursery. If your DH gets wind that the air is changing, he may encourage you to do so ( although it doesn't sound like he actually wants the tiresome business of looking after her himself) whilst re-encouraging you to go f/t - to replenish the bank account of course.

Good luck OP.

Ok some replies:

1. If I phoned on a non-contact day he would most likely sulk and ignore but possibly shout (the only time he has ever sworn at me has been over my parents). He would definitely say I had undone any of the good work and that I clearly am not committed to saving our r/s

1. He would bring this up at all counselling sessions and endlessly in arguments.

1. Things have been improved since June as at that point I said that I would not tolerate being called fat anymore (and I meant it) and so he has not called me fat ever since. Although he has still commented on my eating in other underhand ways. eg we cant afford that expensive muesli with the portion size you are eating.

1. I really dont think he is autistic. He certainly wouldnt admit it.

doesn't he mind you mumsnetting? do you clear your user name?

have you tried phoning your parents at work and just asking them not to say anything?

Can you see that 3. isn't an improvement really? That is so mean! It is not normal to say such cruel things and calling a partner fat (outright or in an underhand way) is not normal and you should not have to tolerate it in your own home.
The picture you have painted is so worrying and I really hope you can see that and can see a way forward. I cannot imagine living in this situation at all. I'm just saying that so you realise how abnormal everything he is asking you is. You are reasonable. He is cruel and controlling.

This thread is terrifying.

If I phoned on a non-contact day he would most likely sulk and ignore but possibly shout

And what would happen if you phoned your parents every day, for an hour each time, in front of him?

He would bring this up at all counselling sessions

You're not having counselling sessions. You're talking to an unqualified bloke at a nutter church. It's not remotely the same thing.

Sounds like whatever 'good' he is doing in not calling you fat openly, is being undone everythime he says something about it underhandedly, wouldn't you say? He is quite clearly being utterly deceitful about himself and about you. He applies one rule to himself and another to everybody else.

I don't suppose his parents cut contact with him, rather than the other way around?

He wouldn't be able to bring it up in counselling sessions if you refuse to go to another one

And friday16 is right there.

Hi - I've been away for the weekend and haven't read any long threads but wowsers...

Is there any chance of taking your DD and going to your mums like, tonight/tomorrow? How far from hers is your work?

You are talking to a random stranger. It is the same as me telling my friend - who's got some bad problems - to go and talk to my other friend about her difficulties. The other friend has no qualifications or anything, but has talked to a couple of other people about similar things.

Talk to someone on the train. Pick someone up on the street and talk to them. It's the same thing.

You are not going to counselling. Find a real one. Though tbh, I wouldn't bother if I were you. I'd just phone my mum whenever I wanted to, and if he didn't like it, tough.

This sounds awful.

He is an abusive controlling wanker not autistic!

FRIDAY 16 = Don't think the church is nutty just the man who is advising themx

cjel, if the church is encouraging unqualified individuals to offer "counselling" without any professional training, regulation of oversight, then it's pretty much nutty by definition. If it were not nutty, it would not permit nutters to act in its name.

Jux is in fact being charitable to the church. Were the OP to go out and find a random stranger, it's likely they'd be better off. The combination of a nutter from a fundamentalist church who almost certainly believes in the headship of men in the family, together with a controlling husband who is attempting to undermine and disempower his wife, is almost uniquely toxic. It's hard to imagine a worse situation.

Blimey, this thread has been a real jaw-dropper.

Your poor parents, being defined as "secondary" family. I can't imagine how hurt I would feel if one of my daughters was made to define me that way.

My husband does not try to control how often I speak to my parents or see them. The first time he ever tried such a thing would be the last, I can assure you. I do not try to control when/how he speaks to or sees his family either.

Get out now and take your daughter to live at your parents' house.

My opinion - your husband is a controlling arse and your "counsellor" is just a random, interfering old twat. Get a proper counsellor with proper accreditation. Go on your own and sod what your husband thinks or says about that. If he wants to go off and cry about it then let him.

Spoongate was the most ridiculous thing I have ever read about. Not sharing family photos was also totally insane.

What i don't understand is how he has convinced you that talking to your parents would be undoing good work? What does that even mean, apart from undoing his good work of isolating you from your parents.

How does talking to your parents destroy your relationship in his opinion? What are they supposed to have done wrong and be doing to destroy your relationship?

He's a scary man.

What does that even mean, apart from undoing his good work of isolating you from your parents

I suspect that is exactly what he means.

Wow, op listen to people. This is not normal behaviour. I'm scared for you.

Get some advice from a solicitor, maybe see a gp and get the abuse 'on file', gather your important documents, dd and leave.

I hardly ever post on these threads as I have no experience or specialist advice to give! But I'm scared for you and your DD.

This man is bad news. I hope that re-reading your own posts will make you realise how bad this is. Please see a solicitor, please phone your mum from work and tell her you love her and need her hel p.

So effectively you talking to your parents means you have spoiled your relationship with him. Wrecked the supposed "good work." This is utterly barking. It's absolutely not normal and you have become so accustomed to his controlling behaviour that you cant see the wood for the trees.
You can't carry on like this. The church is doing you no favours. Restart your relationship with your parents. If he makes you choose then choose. Imagine your life without him overlooking you all the time - how does that image make you feel?

Horrified for you & your daughter.

Hope you get out eventually & your child can see "normal" adult relationships.

Take care x

Look: I think (and I suspect that most if not all of the other posters on this thread agree) that frankly 'saving your relationship' is in fact the worst thing you could do. You need out of this dreadful setup.

Most of us do not live in perfect relationships. I know I don't . But I do live with a functioning adult (who is in all honesty better behaved with my parents than I am ) who is most of the time rather nice to me and who does not think that he needs to crouch, controllingly, at home monitoring my every bloody move.