Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

You don't need to have his permission to seek counselling on your own
You don't need his permission to talk to your parents whenever you like.
You don't need his permission to do anything.

You have shown that you are a strong woman by what you have said here do not let him bully you for one more day. You tell him how it has to be for you and if he doesn't like it then he can suck it up or leave.

Oh i see. Making decisions jointly seems to be completely one sided in this case though doesn't it.

YADNBU and you sound like the only level headed one. Your husband sounds pretty awful to be honest, basically he put you I. A situation whereby you had to choose between him and your parents and given that he was being so unreasonable (blw is really really not worth falling out over!!!) I too would have made sure grandparents were there too

Lots has been mentioned about the husbands controlling ways but for all the recent events mentioned the OP is the one controlling and the husband is excluded. Not a lot of partnership going on from both sides and no wonder there are issues.

OP, what happens if all these rules are broken?

Take, for example, "only phoning your parents every ten days" (itself utterly crazy). What happens if you take out your phone in front of it, dial their number and have a chat about the weather? What do you think happens next?

i only read the first page here, but him in effect deciding what you can and cannot share of Your own life With Your parents is oh so wrong. the fucking therapist baning on about primary and secondary Family is also a total arse, imho. (Sorry about random Capital letters, german auotcorrect i think...) he is over-reacting, you are not. he'll most likely always find something you did not do exactly to his wishes, and will be most upset. You'll spend Your life not succeeding avoiding these Things, because who knows what they are really, and that is just such a tiring way to live. get a different therapist, one With some EA experience.

Jumping through hoops to placate him. Then finding that he's put up a few more hoops for you to jump through, so you have again FAILED. So you jump theough those hoops too, but lo! there are more hoops behind those, so you again FAILED. And so it goes on.......

OP - just book counsellor!! Just see solicitor, if he doesn't like it then perhaps he should see a counsellor to work out why?
Hope you have time to see solicitor todayxx

Your poor poor daughter. There is currently another thread running where a mother is fighting like a lioness to protect her cub. It breaks my heart, that you choosing to support this man and not protecting her. She will witness the emotional abuse. She will know and she will learn from it, and that is heartbreaking.

JoysmumMon 18-Nov-13 08:54:15 Lots has been mentioned about the husbands controlling ways but for all the recent events mentioned the OP is the one controlling and the husband is excluded. Not a lot of partnership going on from both sides and no wonder there are issues.

Where is op the controlling one in this?

Ahole, when posters say such ridiculous things as that woman, it is best to ignore. She is an idiot.

So.. he's not working and you're working 70% and he's not looking after your child on those days but he's still not doing any housework? What does he do with those 3 days with no child to look after and nothing else to do?

BTW, when you were both working did you share the bills etc?

And when you were on ML were you still using your money from your account? (Just wondering if there's a financial side to add to all the other red flags that people are waving...)

Can you use the excuse of going to see a councellor and see a solicitor at the same time?

BeautifulbabyboyMon 18-Nov-13 09:24:11 Your poor poor daughter.hmmThere is currently another thread running where a mother is fighting like a lioness to protect her cub. It breaks my heart, that you choosing to support this man and not protecting her. She will witness the emotional abuse. She will know and she will learn from it, and that is heartbreaking.

What a nasty comment! Yes the other mum is doing all she can, but its not a competition for fuck sake. That other mum you mention also had to go through the process of realising that her partner was an abusive arse, just as this one is right now. Its not instant for fuck sake! Even that other mum regrets and feels awful for how long it took her to realise, but that's the nature of abusive relationships. They are hard to break free from. Don't let that stop your judgments though

What people in abusive relationships need is support and encouragement to do what is best for themselves and their children.

It wasn't meant like that. It was meant to show how important it is to take action. I am 3 months post baby and very hormonal, the thought of children witnessing things like this breaks my heart. But you were right to chastise me. Sorry OP. X

Anywhere else would have him suspicious. As he has given up working we don't have spare cash for shopping. Well we do, but we're not allowed to use our (fairly extensive) savings for frivolities

OP, I've just read this whole thread and I'm shocked.

What shocks me most is how rationally and calmly you seem to be in presenting your OH's abusive and controlling behaviour. You are having to ask for permission for some of the most basic human rights, such as maintaining family relationships and having autonomy on how you spend your time, how you parent your child, and the money you earn.

The gaslighting that you are the "bad" parent is also shocking.

But what's most shocking is how you accept it all, and write about it here as if your OH's behaviour is rational and valid or justified.

I hope you are coping and don't see all these posts as criticising you. I hope you have the same logic and rationality & calmness to get you and your daughter safely away.

for all the recent events mentioned the OP is the one controlling and the husband is excluded

Joysmum just how is the OP excluding and controlling her OH? I'm puzzled -- could you explain a bit more perhaps?

OP I feel really disturbed at what I'm reading.

I'm not really sure what to advise that hasn't already been said.

I also want to know what would happen if you 'disobeyed him?

What if tonight you say 'yanno, I'm sick of all of these rules.. I'm going to see a different councillor.. I'm going to ring my parents whenever I want.. you don't have to have anything to do with them but you don't have the right to control so much of my life'

What would he do?

No to the rest. Or at least yes to the above at the point when I nearly left in June.

So you don't think he does any of those now, or have you changed to ensure he doesn't get to tgat point?

As I read this thread, my mouth dropped open. My first thought was you need to change your counsellor... but as I went further on, for the first time ever I can use that tried and tested acronym LTB!

Take some time off work... tell them you are going to the dentist or your GP and book a few hours to go and get some practical advice from a solicitor. Seriously this is not normal behaviour, it is very manipulative.

I am sure that if you needed to you could go and stay with your parents for a while, as you sort yourself out. Now do all the practical things, make sure you know where all the money is, and make sure that your salary goes into a personal account and not a joint account.

I know I already mentioned it but I am still thinking possible undiagnosed Aspergers. Some of the strange things you mention remind me of people I know with Aspergers.People with Aspergers are intelligent often highly intelligent, they know there is something not normal about their behaviour and they may try to rationalise it or blame others. For example giving up work to "work on your marriage" or is it because work is getting too much for him and he wants to be alone all day playing on the computer. The controlling behaviour may be due to him feeling things need to be done a certain way. Even the acting a certain way in public could be linked to AS. People with AS often put on a front in public and they find this a stress so when they get home will need a long mental break to recover.

No matter what the cause of his behaviour is you need to get good advice as a starting point. You don't have to accept his behaviour, it is controlling and weird. If it did turn out to be Aspergers, then he would have to be willing to change, which may not be the case. So talk to someone proffessional as soon as you can and take care of yourself and your dd.

BeautifulBabyBoy I didn't mean to chastise you!

I read the thread with total disbelief. How does he stop you from phoning your parents - you could phone from work? I realise that would mean going behind his back - but ffs his demands are not normal! What would he do if he found out you were phoning them once a week ?

His tantrum over the spoon-feeding made me laugh out loud in disbelief. He feels it's 'too raw' to accept your df talking to him - over a spoonful of food? Oh the pain! I imagine him lying on the bed, back of the hand against his forehead! I'd treat him like I treat any outburst of anger/tantrum from the dc. Ignore. Let him get on with it.

So OP - what would he do? Sulk? Shout? Cold-shoulder?

I'd let him. I'd phone my mum anyway. In fact, I'd LTB.

It is actually quite normal in relationships to disagree about stuff, you know.

I and most of my friends have AS. I have brilliant aspie-dar. None of the OP's husband behaviour sounds like AS. And I know loads, from succesful doctorate holders to people who were unable to cope with post-secondary education, from successfully married, to unhappily single.

Sometimes, the reason why an adult has no friends is because they are a bastard. AS does not render us incapable of respecting other people.

Asperger's Syndrome affects various parts of the brain, but it does