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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
VenusDeWillendorf · 17/11/2013 18:05

you probably need to change schools.

In the meantime, ignore Fred's mum; no good will come of you wind-milling in.

Your son needs to learn not to fight, but to walk away: show him how that's done by role play.

You need to supervise him at parties.

You need to arrange playdates.
You have a big advantage in that your ds talks to you.
Ask him how he feels about fred and freds mum and talk what he has to say about it on board.

and breathe

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 18:08

A hole I presumably do have more money than the OP as my DS was in the private system throughout.

I do however agree with the posters who think she did not and is not handling this well, starting from making no attempt to stay and socialise even briefly and going on with the aggressive and judgemental tone of her post.

CissyMeldrum · 17/11/2013 18:09
Biscuit
IdreamofFairies · 17/11/2013 18:09

I think the op is getting to hard a time of it as well.
My son punched a boy really really hard in the face at school. Bully thug you should sort out his behaviour I hear you all shout

the back story. A group of boy approached my ds calling him names pushing him. He walked away. The followed taunting him. He turned around and asked them to leave him alone and continued to walk away. The followed he asked them again to leave him alone. They continued to follow him until he found himself backed in a corner unable to get past. Boy closing in on him calling names and shoving him. He told them to let him past that he was getting really angry. They didnt move so he punched the ring leader flooring him .

Boys lie your son is a violent thug who should be taught to behave. He probably didn't want to get into trouble so made it up.

Except that it was all caught on cctv exactly as my son said it happened.

My ds has adhd so struggles to control his anger. I worked really hard with him to help him with that as did the school. I am proud hewalked away for as long as he did. The teachers said they dont condone violence but there was little else he could have done apart from letting himself be beaten up.

some kids are shits and some parents dont care. I dont buy that boys will be boys bullshit.
Op I hope you get something sorted with the school.

monicalewinski · 17/11/2013 18:09

but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back

Directly cut & pasted from OP, I can't see a single sweeping generalisation about state educated children here.

A post written whilst a mum who had just found out her 5 yr old son had had yet another miserable time with children who won't accept him; I don't require an apology from her.

usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 18:13

Oik means Lower class.

I drew my own conclusions from that.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 18:13

Oh I did stay for 20 mins before I left and had a chat with party boy's grandmother. Really nice woman. DS was fine. They were all eating as I left. It's not like I ran in and out in 30 seconds.

I haven't quizzed DS too thoroughly, as I don't want him to have any inclination that I am cross incase he repeats anything at school on Monday. He has made it quite clear that he thinks Fred's mother "hates" him, and that she was "mean to him and no one else"

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 17/11/2013 18:14

it probably is amusing to them to watch him flip out

Just in case you didn't get it from what I said, DS is exactly like this. But the problem is his, whether the other children shouldn't tease is irrelevant I can't make them stop and I can help him change how he deals with it.

It is only going to get worse as they get older if you don't deal with it now. Whether this other woman was arsey with you or not is a red herring.

Plenty of one on one play dates and heavy supervision and lots of talking about how to deal with people when they are winding you up. With the best will in the world - children mostly don't get time out/suspended/excluded for winding others up, they do for punching them in the head.

And I'd knock the oiks/horrid children attitude even said in jest on a talk board it does overlap into how you talk to people in public and your DS needs to model your behaviour.

It doesn't matter why they do it - you may never find out why. I strongly suspect DS provokes it in some way but I've never quite worked it out but I have seen him be very irritating at times to other children. At 8 he has now mostly learnt to deal with it and its rarely a problem but this is after 2 years of (intermittantly) me discussing and role playing how to behave if someone teased you or pushes you. You can;t shrug and say "well he's a 5 year old boy" how do you expect him to respond because when he's and 8/10/12/16 year old boy he has the potential to be in way bigger trouble.

Ahole · 17/11/2013 18:14

Ahole we couldn't give two shits how much money the IP has. It's her insinuation that state educated (i.e. most) children are violent oiks that sticks in the craw, plus her epic failure to fucking apologise for such a vulgar, sweeping insult

No, she was saying that THESE children at THIS particular school are more violent than she's used to. Its YOUR chip on YOUR shoulder adding in the sweeping generalization about state educated children.

TicTocCroc · 17/11/2013 18:15

Sorry, I must have misunderstood you when you said " If he was being that bad, I should have had a call. That's WHY I left my number!!"

Perhaps you meant something different, in which case, apologies.

Agreed, though, you couldn't have got to know the others if they weren't there, sorry, I missed that.

To reiterate - I think Fred's mother wanted to take you down a peg or two, and I don't think she was right to do that.

I think your son's behaviour is outside of anything I've seen other five year olds do (and so is the behaviour of his classmates).

usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 18:15

She thinks state educated children are lower class.

HollaAtMeBaby · 17/11/2013 18:16

Is oik really a controversial word? is it different/equivalent/worse than calling an obnoxious posh boy a hooray?

usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 18:17

You don't look down on hoorays.

Ahole · 17/11/2013 18:17

I do however agree with the posters who think she did not and is not handling this well, starting from making no attempt to stay and socialise even briefly and going on with the aggressive and judgemental tone of her post.

In no way does ops decision not to socialize (its not a criminal offence you know) make it ok for that mum to be such a rude arse! Neither does it excuse the bullying by the other children. Its all our choices whether we socialize with other mums. It doesn't make it ok for our children to be such treated badly if we chose not to. Wandering into victim blaming territory there.

jeansthatfit · 17/11/2013 18:18

So the 'vast majority’ of children will not admit when they have done something wrong, OP... but your son does.

Basically, you've decided the problem is other people's children.

I don't think you're going to make efforts to sort out problems he has integrating because you don't at heart feel he has any. It's just other people's kids that are problems. And other mums. And if you don't integrate, he won't. But then you don't seem to want to mix with the 'oiks' parents. So on it goes.

Pinupgirl · 17/11/2013 18:18

Oh dear how do the 93% of us with little state school educated "oiks" manage?Hmm

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 18:19

Here's a thought....let's yet again derail a whole thread getting professionally offended by language that we personally take one way when the OP clearly didn't mean anything of the sort. Yes, lets.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 18:19

If my child was invited to a party where I knew the other children had picked on him at school.

I would stay.

JackShit · 17/11/2013 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 18:19

Well I'm confident enough in my privileged upper middle class background not to have any chips on my shoulder.

And I still think the use of "oik" says more about the OP than the oiks.

Ahole · 17/11/2013 18:20

Idreamoffairies. Lucky there was cctv!

usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 18:21

The OP knows perfectly well what oik means.

diagnosticnomansland · 17/11/2013 18:23

OP - check your inbox.

Ahole · 17/11/2013 18:23

jeansthatfitSun 17-Nov-13 18:18:47 So the 'vast majority’ of children will not admit when they have done something wrong, OP... but your son does. Basically, you've decided the problem is other people's children.

So how do you explain the incident the op saw in the playground then, or do you think the ops prejudice eyes imagined it?

Ahole · 17/11/2013 18:24

Jackshit. Background?