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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
diagnosticnomansland · 17/11/2013 17:37

Then you're lucky, usual...because mine doesn't. It has a reputation for being crap at dealing with bullying...sadly I didn't find this out until after I'd enrolled DS.

OP...ask for the school's behavioural management policy (and anti-bullying policy if it is separate from the BM policy)

IsItMeOr · 17/11/2013 17:37

OP, as the owner of a 4.8yo who is strong, easily wound up and liable to lash out when provoked, I have some sympathy.

However, you are looking at this a bit backwards, as I think you're beginning to realise.

Your problem is DS's behaviour. He seems to be unhappy/unsettled, and struggling to fit in in a new school. Give him some coping techniques (as you seem to be) and keep working with the school.

All the other kids at the school/party are 5yos, so mostly making mistakes and learning lots. Yes, they can be very unkind. They also quickly realise which child will rise to provocation, and duly wind them up and watch the results. None of this makes them anything other than perfectly normal 5yos. Their parents will almost certainly be putting as much effort as you are into helping them to grow into lovely, well-adjusted adults.

Good luck, it's no fun having a child who's getting into trouble a lot.

ImagineJL · 17/11/2013 17:38

As a total aside, I'm amazed at the private school putting their fees up so much that an entire year group left. Are they now closing the school down? What a lesson in not being greedy!

Minifingers · 17/11/2013 17:39

He's 5 and a bit of a smart arse?

I think you need to get him back into the private sector.

Or teach him to be both smutty and aggressive - qualities my 8 year old Ds (who has Aspergers) has in spades that has resulted, unpredictably, in him being both liked and feared by the other small boys. Nothing small boys like more than willy jokes.

uptheanty · 17/11/2013 17:39

I really think you need to calm down OP.
I know it's really difficult when you sense an injustice is being done to someone you love but I really don't think you will help unless you get some perspective.

I would suggest,

You talk to the mother who hosted the party face to face & calmly. Tell her (without being defensive) what Fred's mum said. Reassure her that you want her to tell you the truth.

If she confirms Fred's mums account, thank her and tell her you are worried that the transition for your ds has been difficult and that you'll take measures to support him.

I would then make an appointment with the school.
You ds is young enough that if you work hard to support him he will be able to settle more.

I don't like the sound of Fred's mum, she could have been kinder. I suspect you feel bad because you felt judged and I suspect she was judging you.

But, unless you're a little more approachable you may find it difficult to help your ds.

On another note... Just a thought.
Everyone else took their children out of the nice school due to financial issues leaving your ds the only one in the class?

Very suspicious.... Maybe they were so un oinky that they just didn't want to confront you with a truth... Or perhaps they tried and you're just not listening?

Hermione123 · 17/11/2013 17:40

Yeah I wouldn't speak to any of the other parents further about your ds's behaviour, just the school and your ds. What's the likely upside of talking to party mum? Zilch you still don't really have objective info, and worst case a prolonged fight without benefit.

diagnosticnomansland · 17/11/2013 17:42

The fact that Fred's mum did this very publically makes me think she's the type to enjoy bringing others down rather than recognising problems, empathising and then trying to help. World's full of them.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/11/2013 17:43

I'd draw a line under this party and know you need to supervise at parties in future. I would however want to go into school to talk to the class teacher and the head about how DS is settling in, whether he is the aggressor in the fights he's getting into and what they are doing about any bullying he is suffering.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 17:49

There were only 5 in his year anyway. They rocketed the fees to try and keep the school viable. Chicken and egg scenario. Other 4 left with the price hike. The same happened pretty much across the other junior years. And yes, the junior dept of the school no longer operates as a consequence. The senior school still runs.

The only reason he's there is because the next nearest private is 17 miles away. It's not logistically viable to do a 34 mile round trip twice a day for the school run. Although I can see him ending up there. I just keep thinking, persevere, persevere.

I know they take the mick for him being well spoken. And for being "posh" (which we are not.) These are things I would expect as part and parcel of him settling in, and whilst they are not nice, I'd kind of accept that sort of thing, and wait for it to blow over.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 17/11/2013 17:51

Can you send him back to private school?

TicTocCroc · 17/11/2013 17:52

The you not staying thing...I know you recognise that it was a mistske because you couldn't police your ds behaviour.Aside from that, didn't you think it may be an opportunity to get to know some of the other parents?

I know that's how I would have viewed it and my dd is 5.3 and it's totally normal round here to stay at a bouncy castle party for that age group.

I wonder if they just found you a bit snooty - you were only 45 seconds away the whole time, you could have socialised but chose not to. I wonder if the other mother felt you had made no effort and wanted to take you down a peg or two (which is obviously unjustified).

I don't know, in your shoes I'd have stayed as much to get to know the other parents as to supervise.

Another thing, you say his potential for violence is exactly why you left your number. I'm sorry, but that's not normal to me. When I leave my number with a party host it's in case my child gets upset/sick/hurts herself and not in case I need to referee a boxing match.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 17:52

The fact that Fred's mum did this very publically makes me think she's the type to enjoy bringing others down rather than recognising problems, empathising and then trying to help. World's full of them.

This!

Exactly how she acted. That's why I was so ragey!

Especially when I learned on the way home that Fred was the one that punched off the bouncy castle until he was in tears!

OP posts:
SugarHut · 17/11/2013 17:53
  • punched DS off
OP posts:
uptheanty · 17/11/2013 17:53

I feel sorry for you OP, it's difficult not to tie yourself in knots worrying about your children.

I wish you luck in resolving this so you can get back to enjoying your DS.

alistron1 · 17/11/2013 17:53

I remember being called back to a party because my 5 year old son had bitten a girl on the face after she'd slapped him. (This was on a bouncey castle - I hate them)

It's horrid when your small child is painted as a bully or thug, but in the grand scheme of things it's really small beer.

Children do silly things and behave inappropriately because they are, well - children.

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 17:54

I see your DS is "sensitive". Does anyone ever admit on here they are the parent of a little monster?

My DS was at a private school from 3 to 18. I'm confident if any teacher there had heard a pupil calling anyone an "oik" they'd have been called out on their bad manners.

alistron1 · 17/11/2013 17:55

Oh and yes, some parents just LOVE pointing out the inadequacies (perceived) of other children. Such people are arseholes and you should pity them.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 17:57

TicToc.

Epic misread.

Firstly, the only other parent there was Fred's mother, as I said. All other parents left.

I leave my number so that if there are any problems she can call me immediately...and you interpret that as me leaving contact details so I can get back to referee a fight. Hmm

OP posts:
Ahole · 17/11/2013 17:58

Im shocked at some of the posts on this thread. It would seem that there is quite a lot of bitterness from posters at op for being able to afford a private school in the first place. There are definitely chips on shoulders, but not the ops!

I do hate this aspect of mn . . . the posters who feel the need to punish anyone with more money than them! Its rather pathetic!

Seeing as you've witnessed an incident in the playground op which by the sounds of it couldn't have had another explanation, i can't imagine why some posters are continuing to declare your ds as the one in the wrong. (apart from the obviously punishment for being a tad well off) Hmm

Salmotrutta · 17/11/2013 18:00

I agree about Bouncy castles - I hate them and they nearly always seem to end in tears.

I also agree that you need to get back in to school and find out what's being done about bullying in the playground.

If he is having to keep defending himself it sounds like the supervisors need to keep a closer eye.

HollaAtMeBaby · 17/11/2013 18:02

Fred's mum sounds like she deserves a kick in the fanny. If you can't beat them...

ExcuseTypos · 17/11/2013 18:03

Agree with Salmottra.

You must go back to the school and talk about whats happening to your son.

And stop referring to young children in such derogatory terms.

JackShit · 17/11/2013 18:03

Ahole we couldn't give two shits how much money the IP has.

It's her insinuation that state educated (i.e. most) children are violent oiks that sticks in the craw, plus her epic failure to fucking apologise for such a vulgar, sweeping insult Angry

Southpaws · 17/11/2013 18:05

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SugarHut · 17/11/2013 18:05

Thanks Ahole

I hate that aspect of MN too. But you can't so anything about it. Having said that if you skip over those little gems, generally this thread is helpful to me.

I'm definitely going to speak to them about their bullying policy. One thing DS is not, is sneaky or crafty. He will always be the one that gets caught. He will always admit if he's done wrong. He has not yet seemed to grasp the concept that the vast majority of children are not like this. So when he "owns up" to hitting back, the little sod who thumped him first denies all knowledge of ever touching him. And so DS gets painted as this punchy little tyrant. DS knows he must not hit back. But he does some of the time.

OP posts:
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