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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
Daykin · 20/11/2013 12:16

This whole thread is a vicious circle. OP is written in a way that is almost designed to get peoples backs up. She gets a mixed response. She throws in a bit of info about a handbag (fwiw, 'is that bag real?' might be rude and tactless but it's not unusual or outrageous or a personal attack or a deliberate slight). Since then it's just been a weird battle between 2 unlikely extremes of '95% of women are jealous of the OP because she is marvellous and if you disagree with anything she says it is because you are a jealous bitch' and 'The OP is clearly an awful fantasist and 95% of women hate her because she is a pita.'

I think she is probably a perfectly nice woman who is overly wary of people and a bit pfb about her pfb and doesn't necessarily find it easy to get on with people until she knows them a bit better but the idea that anyone who disagrees with her stance on any level does so out of the motivation of jealousy is a bit bonkers imo.

What I'd really like to know is wtf everyone else does at parties/playdates etc when kids are naughty, because I just tell them off. It honestly wouldn't have occurred to me to phone the parent on the grounds of bad behaviour unless it was a lot more extreme than a bit of fighting and now I'm wondering if I've committed a faux pas. I'm not saying the OPs ds should have been told off, I wasn't there and neither was she but I do, honestly believe that Fred's mum thought he needed to be told off. She must be a complete sociopath to single out one child for constant and unjustified discipline.

AmberLeaf · 20/11/2013 12:22

Yes I noticed that example too lifeisajumprope. It's quite telling.

I imagine that SugarHut is well practised at having to bat off this kind of thing.

AmberLeaf · 20/11/2013 12:28

She must be a complete sociopath to single out one child for constant and unjustified discipline

Or she took an opportunity to have something to say to a woman who she possibly imagines thinks shes 'all that' and is irritated by.

The behavior of the children at the party sounds like the kind of thing that goes on at parties up and down Britain [don't many people dread them?!] nothing particularly noteworthy.

As you say, it would have made sense for any issue to be dealt with at the time, no need to make a big hoohar about it.

fromparistoberlin · 20/11/2013 12:28

"A model, WAG, stripper, and... a chartered accountant. Mmm"

she has not mentioned it on this thread,. ergo you have been sad enough to search previous threads and drag up here

bangs.head.on.wall

ExcuseTypos · 20/11/2013 12:39

from all that has been mentioned on this thread, not by the OP,but by people who were on her other threads.

Daykin · 20/11/2013 12:42

Or she took an opportunity to have something to say to a woman who she possibly imagines thinks shes 'all that' and is irritated by.

Yeah, there could be a lot of that in it. 'She thinks she's so much better than me so lets see what she thinks when I tell her what a terrible mother she is'

But Sugarhut Jr claims Fred's mum was on his back all party, which, if its accurate, is a bit of a loopy way to get back at an adult you find annoying.

Often when there is a squealing mass of humanity it is the action you see that gets the punishment, regardless of what went before it, and we only have the word of a 5yo that the other kids weren't getting told off too, if and when they did something wrong.

I don't think either Fred's mum or Sugarhut Jr have a totally accurate impression of what went on so the rest of us have no chance at all.

clam · 20/11/2013 12:56

SecretWitch Thank you. Why?

suebfg · 20/11/2013 13:00

Yes, but maybe that 'I don't give a toss attitude' isn't going down well with other parents at this new school either.

FairyJen · 20/11/2013 13:04

sugar I can see that you are trying to make the best of this situation for your ds. My dd is picked on horribly by a girl in her class who has as. Because of this she is NEVER reprimanded. Believe me I know how frustrating it can be to deal with schools.

Ask to see the billing policy. See of they are following it. If it carries on and school don't show they are actively trying to sort the problem, speak to the goveners.

As for the school mums, I don't talk to them either but that's because I have no desire to. It's school not forever.

DharmaBums · 20/11/2013 13:13

Agree with perfectstorm. Absolutely awful examples of mob mentality and bitchiness on this thread. I cannot believe posters are bringing up old threads like this to use as a stick to beat the OP with.
Op I think you have handled yourself with dignity and respect in the face of the worst of MN. Awful.
Good luck with your DS and the other kids OP. Can't really add to the advice that's been given, but it sounds like he's having a hard time. Keep us posted on his progress at school.

Crowler · 20/11/2013 13:14

Having only glanced through this thread, it does not strike me as impossible that someone would get a lot of grief in transferring from a private to a state school. Where we are, there is an obvious divide between the two groups. I don't think it would be easy.

I second the above poster who said something like "isn't it normal to tell other kids off at a party" because I do this with some frequency. If children are misbehaving at a party I'm hosting, I tell them to stop pretty firmly (not as firmly as I would my own). What else can you do?

AmberLeaf · 20/11/2013 13:39

Yes, but maybe that 'I don't give a toss attitude' isn't going down well with other parents at this new school either

Maybe, but I suspect that she would be damned either way.

SugarHut · 20/11/2013 13:43

This poster does not fit the mumsnet norm.
Hence some posters dont know what to do about her.

She doesnt fit the norm because
There may be slight bragging about her wealth
She fights back, but not with a great heap of pas
She has an alternative background
She is not afraid to get things wrong in what she says
And yet she is not afraid to ask for help, even knowing she will get flak

That however does not mean she is a troll or goading. The hunting of which are probably both not allowed on mumsnet.

imo, I think posters need to realise that there is a whole big world out there. And some of it is coming in here.
And posters need to learn how to cope with that.

Gold star for this. Sums it all up rather nicely :)

I do hugely appreciate people pointing out the bitterness, nastiness, jealousy, general twattish stuff. And "defending" on my behalf. I really do. But you have to understand, I get these women on a daily basis. All my life. And if any of these individuals had the tiniest ability to contemplate what that's like, they'd think before they spoke. If you think I do anything more than smile and slowly shake my head at them, you'd be mistaken :)

Anyhooooo....

Wag. (Ex wag actually). Stripper (Ex stripper actually...but don't let the inability to read plain English get in the way of a good old poke). Model, yup. Chartered Accountant, yup. But nooooo...that means I must be a tiny bit attractive...AND have more than shit for brains?? Troll!!!!! Hmm

I have an appointment with the school booked in. I've been googling "integration" techniques as well as how to fix bullying, as if you speak to DS, he doesn't seem to feel like he's being picked on, so I don't want to pile in and make him feel like he's the victim of something he currently doesn't seem to have made too big a deal of. He's just not being given the right help by the school in my opinion. Of course it doesn't help that I'm his mother, but I don't believe that it should be allowed to manifest as such a hindrance.

I also went up and initiated for the first time, a conversation with a group of 3 mothers. Party boy's mum and two stood next to her. It was quite comical, they all froze and stopped speaking when I walked over. Which told me that I have seriously been way too stand offish so far. That's my fault entirely, even if I do have my reasons. "Hi Party boy's mum, hi guys, I'm Sugar." (shake hands with other two mothers who introduce themselves) "I think all our DS are in the same class?" "Yes, they are" "Well I was wondering if anyone would be interested in coming to the (Christmas activity, not giving details) this Saturday or Sunday? It looks really good, and DS would love to spend some time with his friends." All three mothers: "Yes, that would be lovely." Shock We all swapped numbers, one has texted already to suggest we go in the morning and on to a nearby pub with a play area for lunch after. I'm so pleased. For DS and for me. It's so hard not to act like a little recluse when you've been burnt so many times before, but I need to get my head out of my arse a bit about this, or DS is never going to make proper friends.

And I'm no longer concerned about Fred's mother. I stood speaking to these 3 mothers for about a further 5 mins this morning, during which time I tried to dig a little info and made a bit of a joke by saying "This will give DS the opportunity to show you he honestly can behave, I'm so sorry if he was a bit much on Sunday, he was just so excited to go to your DS' party" Party Boy's mother looks blank. "Was he not a handful? It's just Fred's mother was quite vocal about the way he had behaved?" Party Boy's mother laughs. "Ignore her, she's actually alright when you get to know her, but when your DS started here, she caught her husband googling pictures of you. We thought it was hilarious, she didn't"
Well that explains a fucking lot!!!!! Smile

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 20/11/2013 13:50

Smile Thanks for the update.

Glad you have made some steps with the mums.

Re Sugar jnr, I think you're doing the right thing by focussing on the school making a better job of integrating him initially rather than the bullying thing (although do make them aware that it is going on obviously).

You don't sound so 'fizzing' now!

Pinkpinot · 20/11/2013 13:55

Sugarhut, your last explanation made me laugh out loud!
Glad you made the effort and had a bit of a chat
Hope meeting with the school is productive

AmberLeaf · 20/11/2013 13:57

Ah, that does explain a lot!

Good luck with the school and I hope you have a good time at the weekend 'playdate' thing.

lifeisajumprope · 20/11/2013 14:11

Brilliant. I honestly did wonder of Fred mum felt threatened in some way. I experiences something similar a few years back - I honestly had no idea what Id done to make a customer hate me so much and then one of my colleagues told me that her that of a H had told he he'd 'right fancy giving me one.'. Pillock nearly got me glassed.

Glad its all gotten if to a good start and glad DS isn't overly bothered...now to just get him consistently walking away and the staff a bit more vigilant.

fromparistoberlin · 20/11/2013 14:23

Freds mum!!!!

whilst I hate the trite excuse that "they are only being mean because they are jealous", its sometimes true

In fact my DP told me he thinks school mums resent me as I am "educated and english", right!!! he does the school run, thanks to god

but what fucking cunt she is to upset a child cos of it

MarmiteNotVegemite · 20/11/2013 14:25

but when your DS started here, she caught her husband googling pictures of you

Wow, SugarHut you are a trooper!

I know when we moved to a small tall-poppy beheading village and I moved from my public school to a State school, there was whispering at the school gates, and rumours flying around about my parents -- I know because I'd get it all thrown at me in the playground, and as a reason to hit me . But just wow, we weren't subject to that sort of crap.

I am constantly amazed at the process of reverse snobbery in general. It's a projection thing, generally. People get insecure about someone because she's (and it's usually a "she") rich, or clever, or successful. And so they project their OWN insecurity onto the object of their anxieties, and call her a "snob" before she's even opened her mouth.

Good luck with sorting things out, and I hope you start to enjoy your little boy's company. I'm one of those dreadful childless women, but I do love the company of 5 year old boys in my family -- their energy and curiosity and eccentricities are delightful (and I get to learn all about dinosaurs and noisy trucks or trains).

MoominsYonisAreScary · 20/11/2013 14:27

My son had a few problems integrating when he moved school. It became quite physical, he was punched and kicked more than once. He didn't fight back, but he was 3-4 years older than your ds. The school were really crap at dealing with it. Luckily it all calmed down and he's very happy there now.

the mother sounds very insecure!

DharmaBums · 20/11/2013 14:33

Brilliant!! Laughed out loud at that one!
Good on you for initiating that sugar...must have taken a lot of courage. Hope it goes well for you!

NigellaLaw5on · 20/11/2013 14:37

sugarhut YANBU, you need to have it out with Fred's mother and warn her never to speak to your DS like that again, there's absolutely no excuse for singling out children in that way.
You need to take a leaf out of DS's book and stand up for yourself.

figrus · 20/11/2013 14:38

Delighted you got play date sorted, sugar hut.

Now here is what you must do next. Keep an eye out for Fred's mum and Fred's dad arriving at a function together. Maybe the school Xmas concert?.

Introduce yourself to Fred's dad and flirt outrageously. Then stand back and watch Fred's mum self- combust. ;)

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 20/11/2013 14:41

Excellent update, Sugar, and well done for taking that first step, sounds like it went well.

Fred'smum's husband.... Grin Grin

walterwhiteswife · 20/11/2013 14:44

good for you sugarhut :) its must be hard to be stared at. a good friend of mine is in social media and went to an opening of one of the towie lots restaurant and said she met her client in the car park. poor girl was papped from the minute they saw her. my friend says it all looks very glam but after being half blinded it isn't all that!!!!! good for you braving the clique.