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AIBU?

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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 18/11/2013 17:55

Someone's been on a reporting spree.

I've not had any posts deleted though [smug]

Oh and great post ,Rhinosaurus

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 17:57

Just wrong I'm afraid. Or are we pretending this behaviour from him has just magically appeared and is not my DS responding to these types of children for the first time he has ever found himself in this situation.

Of course you can discuss anything I've posted. I don't name change and hide like a lot of people do. I don't lie and neither does DS. But if you must insist on some deep seated explanation for the fact that fighty types (at the teacher's acknowledgement) are goading my son.. Then that's your entitlement :)

OP posts:
SugarHut · 18/11/2013 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

monicalewinski · 18/11/2013 17:59

If there was a "like" button, I would have done just that to Rhino's post.

sadsqueaker · 18/11/2013 18:02

This morning I suggested to the OP that she ask MNHQ to delete this thread, even if one quarter of what she has posted here and on other threads is true then she is very likely to have been identified in RL. I'm pretty sure that even a small village school in the sticks will have at least one MNter, and since this thread has been pretty near the top of active convos for most of the day it's unlikely to be overlooked. Some of the parents that OP would like to get onside may be Shock at her language, and her attitude when told things she doesn't want to hear and consequently refuse any invitations from her.

SkullyAndBones · 18/11/2013 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 18/11/2013 18:05

I have usual on two threads no less. I've never had a post deleted in my MN life until today.

I think I offended the Sugar Fans Inc.

Rhinosaurus · 18/11/2013 18:05

So why aren't you all over the school if they have told you "fighty" types are victimising your innocent son?

And believe it or not, children's behaviour can magically change - particularly as you have removed him from his stable base (school) and sent him to a different school, which you can't have researched very well.

If you think the lack of bonding will have no effect on his behaviour, and that he doesn't realise you feel that way about him, you have got a whole lot of trouble heading your way whether he goes to state or private school.

diagnosticnomansland · 18/11/2013 18:06

it was me...because I could see it was devolving into useless tit for tat and there's obviously a little boy who for whatever reason is struggling and I felt it more useful to not have tit for tat going on and constructive stuff being said instead.

uptheanty · 18/11/2013 18:07

rhino

Excellent post.

If you only listen to one post on this thread op , listen to this one ^ ^

AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 18/11/2013 18:07

To be fair Skully the OP is no shrinking violet and has given out with both barrels. I'm sure she can stick up for herself.

Rhinosaurus · 18/11/2013 18:09

My post is based on information the OP has put forward onto a public forum. It is not personal, if I had any parent coming to me to discuss bullying I would be looking further than the actual incident and looking at possible underlying causes.

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 18:11

Sigh.....
Yes that's what it is. Problem solved. Many thanks.

Skully.. I wouldn't bother. .. These people know exactly what they're doing and jump on every thread I post, are disgustingly rude, very calculated, and frankly it's getting old. Thankfully there are some amazing peopleon here who don't feel the need to do that, and I do listen to them.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 18/11/2013 18:14

I've had loads of posts deleted in my MN life,Alex.

But strangely none on this thread.

Golddigger · 18/11/2013 18:15

Anyone who thinks another poster is following them or thinks another poster has broken talk guidelines can report to mumsnet. With a whole heap of details if they want to.

Rhinosaurus · 18/11/2013 18:17

Amazing people who only say nice fluffy things that you are happy to hear may not actually be the most helpful.

usualsuspect · 18/11/2013 18:17

I've only posted on one of your threads before.

So quit with the 'poor me' bollocks.

That's not really your style,or is it?

I don't have a mob,but you seem to have acquired a lot of fan girls.

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 18:17

Grow up. Seriously.

OP posts:
AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 18/11/2013 18:18

That's because you are nice Usual and not an oik like me.

I hope things settle down and improve for your son op.

MarmiteNotVegemite · 18/11/2013 18:19

My parents sent us to a school where we didn't fit in and it was very very difficult for us to make/keep friends. I don't recall any issues at primary though, 5 year olds aren't generally that socially aware to be too bothered about how other children speak, I'd not expect that for a few years

I was that child a 6 years old. We had moved a long way to a different culture (same language), and a mismatch of class and income.

My card was marked from the moment I opened my mouth -- I'd been to a 'naice' girls prep since the age of 4, and my my RP accent got me physically beaten up, I was told I was a snob, I was told no-one liked me, I was told I was teacher's pet, I was never picked for sports teams, and I was complained about to the teacher by those who bullied me. Unlike the OP's child I didn't fight back. I wish I had. I just cried every Sunday night, and for too long a time was "sick" every Monday morning.

The stories about my family that raged around the village we moved to went from vaguely accurate to outrageous. I really connected to the Harper Valley PTA song.

I suspect that the parents of other children have pre-judged the OP and this attitude has been passed to the children. Snobbery works both ways and the snobbery I've seen on this thread against the OP is just too familiar.

Ev1lEdna · 18/11/2013 18:21

Good grief. Seriously?!

Anyway all of that aside, SugarHut have you decided on a course of action you can take with your DS? I do hope you find some kind of solution as it would be awful if he continued to struggle at the school. I hope your meeting with them is productive.

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 18:22

Bang on the money marmite

OP posts:
Beeyump · 18/11/2013 18:26

'These people know exactly what they're doing and jump on every thread I post, are disgustingly rude, very calculated, and frankly it's getting old.'

Oh come on. Really?

gertrudetrain · 18/11/2013 18:27

Do you think it is reverse snobbery or postersposters who have judged OP for using the term 'oik' to describe 5 year old children. It's just being horrible no?

Rhinosaurus · 18/11/2013 18:30

OP, I have not posted on your threads before and I do not believe I have been rude or calculated, but if that is what you think I can live with that.

Please at least consider what I have said about attachment, and take on board that it was meant to be helpful, even if you find it unpalatable.

When you do go into school make sure you go prepared.

Read the bullying policy - should be available on the school website.
Have a log of incidents, you can do this retrospectively although from now until your meeting keep a record. Visit www.kidscape.org.uk/ for more info on bullying.

Ask if the school has a parent pupil liaison officer / parent support officer - this will be a good bridge between you and school. If there is one, they would accompany to the meeting with the head to represent you.

Speak to the party mum as a priority, so you can use this incident with Fred's mum to illustrate to school how you feel you are being picked on.

On no account approach Fred's mother directly, this will only end badly.

Take a notepad so you can take notes during your meeting with the head, as if you are feeling flustered you may forget something.

Consider a parenting programme, such as the Incredible Years so that you can confidently establish boundaries and consistency for your son.