Fucking fizzing after children's party.

[SugarHut]

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

I feel rather sad for you that you see the bad in everyone. If a gorgeous ex-footballer's wife turned up in our school playground with a designer handbag I: A wouldn't know who she was and B would invite her and her DS to the park afterwards with the rest of us, like we do with anyone else new. If she later invited my DS on a playdate I would go if DS wanted to, not to sneak a look at her house. If we got on well I might stay friendly, not for appearance or to meet the footballer but because I liked her.
I realise that you have reasons not to get close to people, but you must be able to see how that affects your child.

ahole by far the most aggressive person on this thread is you. Every time someone ventures an opinion you call them nasty, jealous, bitter or a bully

Next time stay at the party ...that,way YOU can supervise and discipline him yourself rather than getting upset with other people

He is 5 and new maybe he needed you there?

If I was in your son's school, and you asked me to go on a playdate to an Xmas fair in town (or even a pizza/cinema), I would find this rather awkward tbh, and probably make an excuse and say 'no' (disclaimer I do work and have other DC, so not much free time, and their diaries to organise too). It's a large investment of time (money aside) with another mother I don't know.

Why not keep it simple and ask your son if he'd like a friend over to tea after school, then tell Mum to pick up at 5.30/6? She doesn't have to come on the tea date, most don't in Year 1, do they? Isn't this the way it usually works for most people (coming from a large London state primary I assumed so, but maybe not?)? You don't even have to ask her in, when she does pick up, just have him ready to go, and make an excuse if needed, i.e. "it's been so lovely having x to tea, they've played really nicely, I'm rushing to get ds in the bath now, but maybe next time he comes over you could come earlier and have a cup of tea?" [if you like the look of her and they have in fact played nicely!].

I think you need to keep it low-key, and unpressurised, and build up acquaintances (if not friends) gradually amongst the other mums, and that way you'll get a better picture of what's going on at school/and help your son forge closer friendships?

I don't think the OP is a troll. I simply don't think she comes across as a nice person on MN at all - I've seen her on lots of threads where she has been aggressive and vicious towards people. If 95% of the people you come into contact with respond negatively towards you, I think at some point you've got to pause and engage in a bit of self-reflection.

I also feel really, really sorry for her son. As someone said upthread, 5 years of emotional detachment is not undone in 2-3 months. Nor do children react immediately to these sorts of starts in life: it's quite common for problems to rear their heads at all sorts of developmental stages. So the OP's insistence that her DS's experiences in school have nothing to do with the problematic relationship he has had with his mother is simply blinkered.

In your previous thread you mentioned that you were going to try and get your son interested in go-karting - how did that go?

I know it's pricey but wee boys love it and it might be another something you can do where you and the other mums can hang out in the cafe or something?

Also, emotions can run quite high in karting so maybe would be good to help your son learn some self control.

The can't control others, can only control yourself thing is a really good thing to remember.

To that I'd like to add that you can't control your feelings but you can control your actions (including what you think about these feelings).

If this sort of thing is useful to you/your son have a look at "reality therapy" by William Glasser ( I think)

I know you are not into therapy/counselling but his theories give a really interesting perspective on the way we react to events and I think you/your son may find it useful/interesting.

I'm sorry for causing offence by bringing your previous thread into this one. I just thought it was important that people were aware of your sons background as there may be more going on than "simple" bullying.

The incident reports for your DC is a good idea, but if nothing seems not be changing they really need to address the issue. Ask to see their anti bullying policy.

OP for various reasons I don't really get to mix that much with the other parents from ds3's class. He is busy enough anyway & doesn't seem that bothered so I haven't made any effort to change it. However, if I wanted to improve my frankly dire in-year-parental relationships I would invite one child over at a time (2 at most) & invite parents in for a cup of tea at drop off/pick up. Staying at dreaded parties can be another way (& may be worthwhile so you can keep an eye on how your son is coping in the hurly burly of kids parties).

Well, I've learned a lesson today.

Curiosity got the better of me and I googled your other threads, OP. And I see you wanted to take your son out of private school initially because you found the other mums 'uber competitive' and you wanted him to have more 'normal' friends, and not other children who all have swimming pools and a horse called Hugo the Third, or whatever it was.

So this picture you painted of everything being fine and rosy at your son's private school is just nonsense. And you were moving him because you wanted to, not because of fees.

Re the attachment issues - I do sincerely hope you are getting help, and I would applaud you for reaching out. I felt terribly sad for your and your little boy reading that thread. You both deserve and need things to be so much better.

My lesson is that I wasted time here - no one made me, I was stupid to bother. Over and out!

Haven't read the whole thread - seems to have turned into a verbal version of the OP's son's party. Ahem.

What about panto? Lots of crimble stuff starting up at the moment. You could always tell another Mum that he won 4 tickets if you think cost will be a barrier?
Definitely not soft play. Lord of the Flies stuff even at 4 .
Woman up about the outdoor stuff. If you turn up with two decent cups of coffee on a cold Saturday morning to the school footie or whatever you'll make friends yourself and come across as more normal if you are also shivering on the touchline for an hour. Buy a hat, a warm coat and some fleece lined wellies and you'll be fine.

That's how I felt yesterday night jeans, I was genuinely upset on Sugar's behalf at her boy having such a hard time adjusting to his new school. I have experienced this a few times now with my boys (we're forces family), so appreciate how hard it can be.

Sugar was given loads of good advice about how to help integration etc but ignored it all to concentrate on her perceived slights and "Fred's mum", so I did further reading too.

I make no judgements at all about the very personal things she has felt previously etc, but the overwhelming feeling from all threads is self-importance and an inability to heed genuine good advice.

I feel a bit jaded too.

The people that have read the other threads do not sound like jealous bullies to me

Re: playdates at your house; Can't you just isolate some area and bring the mum in there? Kitchen-diner maybe? Then let the DCs trash the place entertain themselves while you drink coffee.

I used to do this not because of media interest but because it saves me having to clean/tidy the rest of the house.

A swimming playdate would be my idea of hell as I'd have to bring my toddler too, so getting everyone changed is a PITA, and then the buggers want to be in different parts of the pool, and then someone needs the toilet...

f I wanted to improve my frankly dire in-year-parental relationships I would invite one child over at a time (2 at most) & invite parents in for a cup of tea at drop off/pick up

That's what I would do too. I think meals out is too much much to start with and could lead to people turning you down for reasons other than their uncontrollable jealousy and bitchiness. People have other dcs to take into consideration, and DPs and budgets or may be wary about having to spend a couple of their precious hours with someone they don't know (very well). I'm fairly introverted. I'm not antisocial, or a total arse, but I would find a couple of hours of interaction with someone I barely know and their child to be quite draining pus I would have to do quite a lot of logistical juggling because of the older dcs.

I have done the "i've won tickets" thing to trick get someone to go on a date
It works

I'm confused. Are you the same SugarHut who responded on the lapdancing thread; a current chartered accountant and a famous model?

If you are (and it is relevant) I have been on the receiving end of your superiority complex and your unpleasant way of communicating. I wonder if this isn't passed on to your child in some way (as well as your opinion of the local children) and he is responding to that. Do you communicate your frustration with them to him or within his earshot? He may be picking up on it.

If indeed he is being picked on, that is a great shame and you need to consult the school, in addition your ideas regarding play dates. I know you aren't going to like this and you will respond accordingly but have you considered that the way people behave towards you is a REACTION to how you have treated them?

I think the mother at the party shouldn't have confronted you in such an aggressive way. It would have been far more productive of her to be less confrontational and just told you gently, I also agree if it were me I would have taken BOTH children to the side if there had been some fighting. Children do fight, fact.

All of this aside, you have a little boy who is suffering in some way either he is being bullied or his aggressive behaviour is symptomatic of something else and you need to get to the bottom of it. It is very hard to be objective where our children are involved - I know, my eldest can be quite challenging, but sometimes we need to look behind their behaviour and at ourselves and the way we are dealing with it. Again, I know because I am also having to do this. I have a lot of sympathy with you about your son, you say he is eccentric and the children pick up on this, it is the same with my eldest and I really feel for him because I don't want him to stop being himself but I can't condone him reacting badly towards others.

I truly hope you get this sorted out SugarHut.

Oh and I suggest a pizza and ice-cream playdate at yours, with a few of the mums, not too many. Very low key, have some games on the go - maybe a couple the kids can play together at the beginning before you and the mums have some coffees together. I think you said he is 5? There is a game called Cranium hullaballo which involves hopping to little symbols or you could try twister or even some wii sports games they can do together and then let them get on. Make it easy of yourself.

Hope it works out

Try to ignore Fred's mum. Maybe she just had too much coffee that day and isn't very tactful or nice.
Definitely think you should invite a couple of children over for a playdate. It will give the children an opportunity to discover what interests they have in common. If there are two mums there then you won't need to do the chatting (seems like you give a lot of info about yourself away) but can relax and listen. It is really important that you make some friends at your son's new school. He might be there for a long time. Don't feel self conscious about having a lovely home. Just try not to be ostentatious.

Why all the capital letters Scarlet? I feel that Ignorant, Jealous, Spiteful and Chippy should be formed into an amusing acronym or somesuch, but I'm too Stupid to work one out.

And by the way, the DICTIONARY definition of an OIK is an uncouth or obnoxious person - THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CLASS OR MONEY.

Obviously, since it's 2013, we're all down with the concept of dictionaries being descriptive rather than prescriptive, and that if a sufficiently large group of people use a work with a particular sense (or, more importantly in this case, with particular pragmatics), then that's the end of the matter.

But a popular sport of those that wave dictionaries around as if they're a good way to settle an argument is to think that the thicker, older and more prestigious the dictionary, the better the argument settling power.

And so we reach for OED, and find, as the only sense:

An uncouth, loutish, uneducated, or obnoxious person; a yob (esp. with connotations of lower-class origin)

Whoops.

Is there not another nice private school he could go to? Maybe where all his old friends went?

Good for your son that he can handle himself in a fight, but he needs to learn it's usually the child with the injuries who gets the sympathy

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScreamMon 18-Nov-13 13:18:56 aholeby far the most aggressive person on this thread is you. Every time someone ventures an opinion you call them nasty, jealous, bitter or a bully

Only if those opinions are nasty, jealous, bitter and bullying

friday16

The fawning over the OP on this is thread is hilarious.

Do you think there's a famous person on MN?