Fucking fizzing after children's party.

[SugarHut]

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

I am not using attachment disorders as a stick to beat, but that it is relevant in the OPs son's violence to others. I have suggested the OP ask the school to investigate, and to see if the OPs son is being bullied, what is the catalyst for this, and indeed is the OPs son also bullying, verbally or physically. There are two sides to every story.

Are the other boys only children? Just asking because if they aren't it might be a logistical nightmare for the parent to have to come on the 'playdate' and if they say no it might be for that reason.

The woman has a problem that is not of her making and is asking for support and HELP.

It is of her own making, because if she had stayed, which is actually pretty normal when your take your kids to a strangers house for the first time, it would not have happened, because she could have stopped her son hitting out/stopped the other lad hitting her son.

She has had help, quite a bit of it.

I grew up with Oiks. It was a rough area. Actually I think I am an Oik by Mumsnet standards - or a 'povvo' as I was called the other day.

Anyway..

The best thing you can teach your son is self control. You teach him to damn well walk away. Do not excuse his behaviour. He is 3 years from telling you to fuck off to your face.

Have you thought about martial arts? Football? Running? Sport teaches children to control emotions, to deal with disappointment to stick to the rules under provocation. It punishes loss of temper because you will not win under those circumstances.

I understand you and he had had a tough time, but you owe it to him not to excuse his behaviour. It doesn't matter what the other children are doing, what matters is that he learns self control. No excuses. The stakes get higher as he gets older.

As I said, I grew up in a rough area but I still live in a big city (a naice part) and DP and I instll in our children that self control is paramount, walking away keeps you safe (usually)

(Attachment disorders are really very rare BTW)

I love the way that now the jealously and bullying on here has been pointed out, some posters are now latching onto the idea that the op is paranoid and/or Samantha Brick!

I can't imagine what its like to be a bit well known and have people and strangers make judgments on you all the time and make up stories about you and pass them off as fact. But i would imagine its quite horrible and extremely common. Just look at the instances of Tall poppy syndrome on here! Let alone real life!

I recently did something a tiny bit cool and have experienced Tall poppy syndrome myself (which is how i learnt about it) and it is COMMON! I experienced it from a large proportion of people that i considered friends or close acquaintances when i casually mentioned my "thing". Probably around 60/70% maybe. And what i did was tiny! People who i thought would be pleased for me turned and tried to discourage me from pursuing it and encourage me to instead do something very ordinary. Keep me in my place!

What happened to all his older friends in the school?

RhinosaurusMon 18-Nov-13 11:34:38 I am not using attachment disorders as a stick to beat, but that it is relevant in the OPs son's violence to others. I have suggested the OP ask the school to investigate, and to see if the OPs son is being bullied, what is the catalyst for this, and indeed is the OPs son also bullying, verbally or physically. There are two sides to every story.

The school have already acknowledged that he is being bullied.

Lottie I agree with you to some extent! but I do feel oikish behaviour can come from anyone, regardless of their background, whether they are privately educated or not. My children have been/are privately and state educated. My youngest has just started at school (state) and there are certainly two or three kids with oikish tendencies. The older ones went, many moons ago, to both state and prep schools. IME, there were more boorish oiks at their private prep than the primary.

DD1 was bullied in reception by a particular child. Said child is now a 20 year old who in infamous in my older children's circles, for being a nasty snide bitch. Once an oik, always an oik in this case.

differentnameforthisMon 18-Nov-13 11:35:03 It is of her own making, because if she had stayed, which is actually pretty normal when your take your kids to a strangers house for the first time, it would not have happened, because she could have stopped her son hitting out/stopped the other lad hitting her son.

It is not of her or her sons making that he is being bullied! Leaving your child at a party doesn't give others the permission to bully him and then blame it on him.

Anyone else lost count of the number of times they have seen on mn that to stay at a party makes you a helicopter parent, a weirdo and over protective?!

Ahole I was one of posters who said that although I'm sure OP does encounter some jealousy, she also sounds a bit paranoid.

I didn't say it to be bitchy (I know a few tall poppies in their own way and think good for them), but because it may be self perpetuating - OP experiences some jealousy then assumes everyone is like that, retracts, people think she's snooty and so it goes on. And because I think it won't help her to address the issues her DS is having.

That's all!

Jeans a lot of that makes a lot of sense :)

My house is off course not off limits. It is however not an option until I have met someone a couple of times and assessed whether they are going to take photos and facebook them (happened before, beggars fucking belief I tell you.)

I am also by no means a victim. And I do acknowledge that keeping myself to myself is not helping DS. Pizza does sound like a good idea.

He does get on with some of the older boys, and when I ask him who his friends are, he will reel off 4 or 5 names, but these seem to change on a weekly basis.

Binky. Yes i know what you are saying. I would imagine that when you've experienced so many lies being told about you and bitchiness it must become hard to stay open and friendly.

I actually agree that a little bit of celebrity can make life hard. Because of what I do, I know more than a few people who have some degree of fame, and are recognisable because of it... people can be bashful and awkward around them, and they do wait for the better known person to 'make the first move' socially.

Friends with some celebrity have to put a bit of effort into not ending up with a fortress mentality. It does come with the territory, unfortunately.

Actually, the kids don't give a shit. When they are playing together, they really obviously aren't thinking 'x's mum has been on the telly/in the papers.' They form their own relationships.

pizza sounds like a better idea than swimming or soft play (don't do soft play, just don't...). Especially if it's one or two children at most. I wouldn't let that number escalate in the spirit of inclusivity btw. The last thing you want atm is a 'gang' of children or parents, it's too pressureful.

Don't rule out park activities. On the school run/drop off, look for the mums in boots and anoraks. There are some 'all weather mums' out there - they'll be glad of another one.

i don't think friends changing week to week is a problem at this age. I think your ds saying clearly he has no friends or being upset would be worrying - names changing wouldn't bother me.

C

Yes I can see that it might not be easy but, be that as it may, being more open could be a part of the solution (as I think OP has concluded).

It does not follow that I'm jealous because I think the OP could be being a little bit paranoid.

Forget the party - I can see why you are mad but put it, and Fred's mum behind you and move on to something productive.

Are the school observing your son in the playground? This needs to be done to find out what is actually happening.

There are lots of horrid people about but lots of decent nice people too. Look for the good in people and try to establish connections with the nice ones. If you are socially isolated from the school your son will end up being so too. You might have to give a bit of yourself away to others. There have been 2 celebs with kids in my DS's state primary school. They mixed with the other parents - no-one had an issue with them because they became so normal within the school environment. Of course, when they first appeared at the school people were talking but the novelty soon wore off.
Paul McCartney famously sent his kids to state schools. It can work.

SugarHut. I like your threads, and suspect that you are a very nice person.

I do sometimes think though that where you live, you are a bit like a fish out of water.
Is there somewhere else you could move too, where young mums would understand where you are coming for better. And which might be an easier environment for you and for your son?

Agree with aciddrops.

heartisaspade is doing a perfect job of representing exactly what I am faced with. My very first thread was full of women like her shouting "troll" which is ignorant, fucking rude and very small minded. There was a lovely lady on there who private messaged me, and I sent her some photos of me, me and DS, us on DP's (now ex DP) private jet, etc etc. She soon shut up the "troll" brigade.

On that note, I have to say that I have really appreciated the private messages as a result of this thread. Thank you all for taking the time to try and help me and show support.

I'm going to invite party boy and mother, and another boy and his mother out for pizza. Any suggestions as to how you would tackle the school, as they seem to be quite "it'll pass" and not too bothered by it. But I think DS is getting very badly tarred at the expense of this.

OP are you Kerry Katona?? If you are, that golden monkey thing you have hanging in your hall is really REALLY tacky - i wouldnt want that on FB either! (just look up Sex bear property porn on here, you'll laugh, i promise!)

I don't invite folk to my house because its a shit hole and people dont get to come unless i trust them not to spread gossip about what a slattern i am. I do get that, for whatever reason, your home is your home - but you still need to do something to help your lad.

Honestly, i don't give a stuff who people are, i have some z list celeb aquantainces (difficult not to in this town) and on the whole, they are generally very down to earth. I would no more invite Kate Middleton to my house than i would some oik from the local estate unless i got to know them first. I would have thought everyone much the same?

I love how we aren't allowed to refer to a child as a little shit but we can call him a thug? Which is just a posher way of saying little shit.