Fucking fizzing after children's party.

[SugarHut]

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

Can anyone suggest something other than swimming or soft play for me please? And this is me being totally precious, it HAS to be indoors, I am way too much of a wimp in the cold to do the park this time of year....

And would you invite 2-3...or just 1 at a time?

Again with the jealousy and resentment??

WT?

People can have an opposing opinion without being jealous and resentful.

You lose the moral high ground when you tell people to STFU.

Actually - I think one at a time probably is best at the moment.

How about just a cup of tea (for you and mum) and a play for the boys at your home?

Huh? 'Some of the children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks'. These are YOUR words. This makes you seem judgmental. That's my only point. How is that mob mentality? If you don't want an opinion, don't post on a forum.

I agree with SoupDragon - it's difficult for you to know exactly what happened when you weren't there. But if your son is being bullied and the school isn't doing anything to sort it out then that is a big concern. And if you cannot get the school to listen to and act upon your concerns then I would think about moving him elsewhere.

I do agree that calling other people 'oiks' is a bad idea and is not a nice word to use about another child. If you talk about other children like this to your ds then it will make things worse because he won't want to be friends with them at all or see the point in trying to get along with them. They are still quite little and in a few years time all the friendships will have changed, believe me. But if you keep reinforcing to him a message that these kids are no good and are worth less than him there is no hope for the situation at all.

Anyone can be described as an oik FFS, from Prince Harry to Frank Gallagher. And given that the OP said SOME of the children in her son's class are behaving like oiks, I hardly think that she meant all children in all state schools are oiks.

I'm a bit saddened at the viciousness directed towards the OP tbh, she's readily acknowledged that her son can and has hit back when pushed too far. Yes, that's not the best way to react, but neither is it a good reason for her son's bullying to be seemingly glossed over. All very sad and I hope it is sorted out soon for you SugarHut. I know nothing of you, unlike others who seem to, but no child deserves to be treated like this regardless.

It really depends what's around in your area OP, but a bit tricky if not soft play or in your house and needs to be inside! Play group thing? Xmas grotto type thing?

Hettie... not at home until I am comfortable with what kind of person they are. Is there anything you can think of other than swimming or soft play? Is the cinema too anti social?

fromparistoberlin

5 years of being emotionally unavailable to your child is not undone in two/three months without professional help. Attachment disorders have a significant effect on a child's behaviour, empathy and acting out.

Im sure that attachment disorders have an impact on a child's behaviour. But this is clearly about a child who is being bullied and he and the op are not to blame for that. So mentioning it and using it as a reason for what is happening is victim blaming and a beating stick.

Sugarhut, I thought your language in your OP was aggressively classist and nasty, but warmed to your openness over the thread, excused your OP as someone furious and upset, and felt for your son.

But honestly, your assertion in your most recent post that 95% of women bully you and are unpleasant strikes me as suggesting you have a genuine persecution process, which may be having an impact on your son. I am a very average woman, but I cannot imagine any circumstance in which I would know or care whether another parent at the school gate was beautiful, or carried a designer handbag. I would have absolutely no interest in what you used to do for a living, or who you used to be married to - how do people even know these things??? (Genuine question here.)

I am not Mother Teresa, and it's not that I don't judge, but I would be asking whether you were (a) intelligent, (b) kind and (c) someone enjoyable to talk to about actual subjects, not TV or olayground gossip. I am not unusual. Maybe you are spending time around the wrong women?

The cinema's a good idea I think - a bit of socialising, but not too much!!

Persecution complex, not process. Grr.

Sugar...cinema doesn't really allow people to get to know each other....Pizza Hut?

Maybe I'm wrong about cinema. I AM quite antisocial in my own way :)

Hepsibar - the bullying shouldn't be glossed over but from what the OP has written it is clear that she has already mentally labelled some of the children at the school. These children are only 5 years old. Her son will never feel like he wants to be friends with them if she gives him the message that they are no good. It's very difficult to hide your feelings about children who are bullying your child but for the sake of your child you have to be as objective as possible about the situation and not just write people off as 'oiks'.

FWIW I don't doubt that the OP probably is on the receiving end of a lot of jealousy from other women. When you're an attractive woman you are often left out of friendship groups and kept at arms length. But that means you have to try harder to be objective and ignore it, otherwise the situation escalates.

I think soft play will be fine. Just one other child for the first time i think or maybe more if they are not all really boisterous. You might need to intervene occasionally but that's normal.

Anchoress..it really does happen...someone who is considered or seen to be very pretty really an be on the receiving end of a lot of unpleasantness for no other reason than someone's first impression that pretty = (whatever preconceived idea someone has of pretty people) and it's generally not a nice idea...I experienced it a lot in my 20's. On the plus side, it was great for showing those who obviously weren't good friend material. People can be jealous, judgemental twats.

Or a film enthusiast, Blinky?

Anchoress ...oh for women to be normal like you. I would also not give a rats arse whether I was talking to Claudia Schiffer or the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sadly, this is a tiny minority. Although the majority will shout and protest til the cows come home that they don't have this chip on their shoulder.

They know about me because I live in a reasonably small area. I am by no means a big type celeb. At all. I am a "big deal" to people that basically need to get out more. Small, small pond syndrome.

I'm going to make an appointment with the school this week and talk to them about what they intend to do about DS and the other children. I'm wondering whether to ask for some kind of "DS incident book" whereby if a situation occurs, they note who was involved and what appeared to take place, which can then be reviewed on say, a fortnightly basis.

I would invite one child without his mother after school and say you will drop him off. More than one would make it much more likely to get out of hand or for a 2 against 1 or 3 against 1 situation to develop. Soft play would be good if you can't have them at home.

Cinema is good and you can eat afterwards to make it more sociable and you can talk about the film if you have nothing in common.

Yes, pizza is a great idea. Less chance of it turning into fisticuffs, and there's genuine opportunity for chatting with the boys and any mum(s) you invite along.

Don't go and do soft play with several other children and mums. If there is any kind of roughness/fighting problem, it will be a lot worse at soft play. all this kicked off at a party with a bouncy castle - you won't be able to 'sit and have coffee' with other mums, you'll be policing play. Who knows, it might even spark another incident.

Swimming is also a bit of a high maintenance activity. You don't get to socialise much in a pool with children that age - and it's a faff. Parents will be more likely to agree to something more casual and less effort.

Why not limit yourself to two mums, if one feels a bit like singling someone out (if it doesn't, one mum and child would be good and not too overwhelming for you and your ds).

If you want to keep your house off limits, it will cause problems. If you do get invited to another mum's house, will you return the invitation? If your ds and kids in his class are 5 then you can't really meet up at a coffee shop. A trip to park and swings is always good - trickier in winter (still my favourite tbh - fresh air and exercise means kids don't get claustrophobic and squabbly, and parents don't have to just sit and chat).

All that said... if you really think that 95 percent of women hate you, and you don't want to mix with school parents... none of this is going to get better, is it? It's really hard to see how that attitude won't rub off on him in some way. It's also, I'm afraid, easy to see that while you FEEL like the victim - other parents will see you as stand offish and superior. You could get trapped in a bit of a vicious circle there. If you aren't already.

Re your ds being bullied - you say he isn't unhappy at school, and is fine about going. So... is he playing well with other children between violent incidents? Does he have any classmates he would call friends? It would be unusual for a child who is socially isolated and constantly picked on at that age not to be expressing some unhappiness. If he can name one or two friends, I really would help him foster those friendships - and much as you are wary of mixing, see if you can build even a casual rapport with those parents. Forget all the handbag business (so what if someone asked if your handbag was real? really, so what? when compared to your child's happiness?).

You don't need to make bosom buddies - but if you make no effort at all, and are determined to see other women as aggressors and yourself as a victim, then it willl not help your son at all.