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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
diagnosticnomansland · 18/11/2013 10:38

Yes, nice to see the normal schoolgirl pack mentality going on....it's not on, at all..not when a child is suffering.

OP - I've never been good at the school-gates thing because I'm shy. I've been accused of being snotty in the past...when actually I'm just anxious when I'm in amongst a pile of people I don't know. I smile at people, I'm always polite...but it takes me along time to get to know people.

Please do get on to the school about how they and you are going to work together to tackle this problem.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/11/2013 10:39

Exactly differentnameforthis. It is the OP who offended us, not the other way around. If you're rude, expect rudeness back

Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:41

differentnameforthis

OP said . . .

some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS

Some of these children ie the ones bullying her son. She is no way said that all state educated children are oiks. Thats the chip on your shoulder whispering in your ear.

HettiePetal · 18/11/2013 10:42

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SugarHut · 18/11/2013 10:42

I didn't even think about the swimsuit thing...that's made me roar with laughter Grin I just thought, if they turn out to not actually like me, they aren't stuck sitting in one little room with me and can sort of leave when they like. I really don't want anyone here until I get a little better idea of their genuine character, which is why I want to go somewhere public initially. Yes, I'm going to speak to party boy's mum, and invite her along too. Maybe at the local soft play area?

OP posts:
SootikinAndSweep · 18/11/2013 10:44

My job brings me into contact with people in the public eye, and there's a lot of 'not being able to do right for doing wrong'. If you invite people into your home who you don't know there's the risk that they'll take photos to share with their friends, and generally behave as if you and your home are some sort of exhibit. Of course, there will be many very nice straightforward people who not dream of behaving like that, but the point is, when you only know someone from the school gate, how are you going to know what they may be like?
If you organise a trip for a few kids and it's too grand, it'll be 'showing off'. If you do something modest, you could be accused of being tight.

My advise would be to focus on what's important, the integration of your DS (using the school and party mum and allies), but also yourself, go slowly and focus on those mums that you refer to upthread as being nice. If you're open about the fact that your son is having teething troubles settling in, without coming across as judgey and snobby, you might find that both you and he make solid long lasting friendships from this school. It doesn't have to be an opening of your house and your life to all comers, but for both your sakes you need to make sure that you at least appear 100% approachable. Think of it as marketing your brand. Wink

Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:45

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HettiePetal · 18/11/2013 10:47

I don't know if the swimming is a good idea yet. At that age the mums need to get in too & some might have reasons not to want to. It's the sort of thing that works better when you all know each other well.

Is there one of those play centre things nearby?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/11/2013 10:47

But if I said ' some of the boys at my son's private school are stuck up, entitled, posh little rich kids', that would offend people, no? OP's post offended me. Whether you like it or not.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/11/2013 10:49

And I was bullied at school and a very shy child, so don't accuse me of bullying

Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:49

Soft play is good yes. You can sit and have coffee and chat. Good plan.

I understand about not inviting people to your house until you know them. I think the problem with that as well is that they might be intimidated if its big or really lovely and feel embarrassed to invite you to theirs. I've been there when i lived in a posher area and all the mums had houses and i had a little flat. I don't think any judged me but it make me hesitant.

HettiePetal · 18/11/2013 10:50

I would note the use of the word "some" and not conflate from that "all", as you have done.

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 10:50

There is a play centre dooberry whatsit about 4 miles from the school. I'm sure they could come for one after school session if I invited them? Only hesitation is that it's kind of like unleashing them onto a giant bouncy castle....

OP posts:
Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:51

Bullied people can and do become bullies themselves sometimes you know. Its not a life long get out of jail card.

Rhinosaurus · 18/11/2013 10:53

The bonding issue is very relevant, it is not a stick to beat the OP with - she clearly recognised that she needed to address this behaviour. But.... Whilst attachment issues can be addressed, it is a very slow and complex process - 5 years of being emotionally unavailable to your child is not undone in two/three months without professional help. Attachment disorders have a significant effect on a child's behaviour, empathy and acting out.

HettiePetal · 18/11/2013 10:54

I live in an affluent area, Sugar - all of my son's parents had nice detached houses and the rest. We had a two bed rented flat, with Ebayed furniture. Made not the slightest bit of difference to anyone - kids or parents.

Be nice, be friendly - for 90% of people that's really enough.

The bouncy castle thing will probably be fine if all mums are present - but expect everyone at some point to have to get up and intervene in something or another. There are usually staff there too.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/11/2013 10:54

Ahole-HAHAHAHAHA-come on now- that is a very silly thing to say. My obvious point was that I am well aware what a bully is, having been seriously bullied myself. This is a FORUM where we are asked for, and give, our opinions. The answer is not to accuse us all of being bullies!

HettiePetal · 18/11/2013 10:55

all of my son's parents

Hmm

Actually, he only has one set of parents! I meant, all of his friends parents..... Grin

diagnosticnomansland · 18/11/2013 10:56

I agree with Hettie - the swimming thing doesn't sit right. Plus obviously you are gorgeous and having been on the receiving end of female jealousy because of being seen as prettier (I no longer have that problem because these days I look like hell so just my shyness that gets in the way), putting yourself in a situation where there will be more opportunity for others to see differences between you and them might not be a good idea - OTOH sorting out the mums who are going to automatically judge you on face value might save you time and agro later on....

Soft play sounds good, or a walk to a park?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/11/2013 10:57

And stop being so dramatic, everyone. Lots of people were irritated by her use of the word oils and have told her so. That's it!

SootikinAndSweep · 18/11/2013 10:58

If you're doing soft play, how about just inviting the party boy? Kind of as a thank you to the mum in case DS had been tricky, but also perhaps that might stop it descending into six feral sweaty five years olds re-enacting Lord of the Flies. Which is what our local soft play always seems to be like. Grin

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/11/2013 10:59

Oiks not oils Blush

Masai · 18/11/2013 11:05

Seriously... Some of you need to shut the fuck up and stop being so bitchy.

The woman has a problem that is not of her making and is asking for support and HELP.

Jealousy and resentment is truly an ugly character trait.

Perhaps MN should have a facility where posters can be reported for bullying comments and have that linked back to the thread in question on their profiles. Like demerit points for bullies. Unworkable I know.

But might make some of the vicious harpies think twice.

Binkybix · 18/11/2013 11:07

It sounds like your DS is having a tough time - I agree with many who suggest that working with the school is the best option here, and trying to forge some 1 on 1 friendships. Agree though that soft play maybe not the best option given the current circumstances re teasing and propensity to lash out!

It's prob also worth trying to work with your DS to address some of the things you say could be exacerbating the situation - being a smart arse and lacking some social skills I think you said? Hopefully in the long term that will help him be happy in life as well as helping here.

I don't know anything about you but from your description it sounds like you are someone who a few people may know of because of your own career and more people may know of because of people you've been out with. For sure that could cause jealousy, but you do sound a little bit paranoid,which might be contributing to the unpleasant feelings you've experienced as a result of the party.

I do take umbrage to the idea that if someone disagrees with OP they must be jealous - doesn't necessarily follow.

Hope it gets sorted!

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 11:08

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