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AIBU?

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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 18/11/2013 10:01

OP I think boys this age can be little sods unfortunately

I also came back quite upset after a kids party this weekend

My DS got battered a fair few times on the bouncy castle too, and complained that "bigger stronger" boys were hitting him

I dont think doing anything with the parents is advisable, as I think we are all naturally biased

First thing is to keep an eye on your DS, and see if he is unhappy/happy in general

next thing is to speak with school and adress formally

third thing is activities where he can be physical, but in a controlled setting (is Karate)

fourth step (!) think about a non school activity where he can make friends (ie scouts or something)

I am sorry, I woke up really depressed sunday morning after the kids party too!!!! But I think its a fairly common behaviour with boys this age???

SoupDragon · 18/11/2013 10:01

I would be inclined to find the party mother and say something like

X told me that there was a problem with DS at the party. I'm so sorry. He is having a few problems with some of the boys in the class, being the new boy.

I would possibly then invite PartyBoy round for a play date. I assume PartyBoy likes your DS enough to have invited him.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/11/2013 10:04

Didn't Petunia Dursley refer to her son Dudley as a 'sensitive little boy'?
Grin

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 10:09

Eddie... that was my attitude initially. Having never encountered children that behave like this, I sort of thought, well, they're only going to pick on him and have their behinds whooped a couple of terms before they decide to leave him alone. The thing is, he only hits back on occasion, and it appears it hasn't deterred them.

Ahole. I don't rattle cages. People rattle their own. I glad you see the bitchiness, I'm so used to it, I feel a bit immune now. You'd be amazed at the number of idiots who pretend to know everything about me, will give quite a detailed insight to others about what I'm like, and will never have spoken to me before, ever. Also, I'm amused and astonished that because I get to release/vent/rant very openly on an internet forum that they think I speak like this in real life. I find that concept so laughable that I thought it went without saying. Evidently not Grin

OP posts:
oldclothcat · 18/11/2013 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HettiePetal · 18/11/2013 10:12

God, there are some seriously unpleasant people on this site.

The OP asked for advice. She's tried to explain herself until she's blue in the face, but still the pathetic comments about handbags and Dudley Dursley keep coming.

She needs some advice because she thinks her son is being bullied. Full stop.

How she lives, what she does & the school he goes to (or used to) is simply neither here nor there.

You sound like spiteful, jealous 6th formers, some of you. Grow the fuck up.

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 10:14

FromParis

Yes, to everything you say. I would expect your scenario to some extent. I would not have been pissed off in your scenario. It is not what happened to my DS though.

OP posts:
Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:15

Freds mum was whispering. ..I swear to god. ..to another mother and staring at me.

Sounds like there is bullying of you as well as bullying of your son.

I know you love mn op, but seeing how so many posters are repeatedly ignoring the fact that your child is being bullied (despite the teacher acknowledging it) and are repeatedly trying to blame it all on you . . . is making me fucking hate the place and disgusted.

Its your fault for not loving him enough, for sending him to a private school, for not staying a the party, for using the word oik to describe a bully, for the handbag you use, because of your social skills, because of the amount of partners you've had etc etc.

Victim blaming. Angry

There's a lot of tall poppy syndrome going on here.

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 10:18

OldCloth, I'm really so much better about the bonding. I feel so sad when I look back at all of that. But I'm getting there, finally. DS and I have never been better, I'm very happy to report :) This is why I don't ever namechange, I'm not ashamed or hide anything depending on my audience, I am who I am, warts and all. But, I must reiterate, this is an entirely independent issue, only arisen since this September when DS started this new school.

Hettie Yes!! Just yes :)

OP posts:
Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:21

Ahole. I don't rattle cages. People rattle their own. I glad you see the bitchiness, I'm so used to it, I feel a bit immune now. You'd be amazed at the number of idiots who pretend to know everything about me, will give quite a detailed insight to others about what I'm like, and will never have spoken to me before, ever. Also, I'm amused and astonished that because I get to release/vent/rant very openly on an internet forum that they think I speak like this in real life. I find that concept so laughable that I thought it went without saying. Evidently not

Grin can you imagine if we all spoke in real life the way we do on here! Grin everyone knows that we don't but its a good tool for certain posters to use against you because of . . . well the jealousy.

I can only imagine how annoying it is having people giving judgements all the time in real life when they don't even know you etc.

Nanny0gg · 18/11/2013 10:23

The school is the centre of all this. They need to be actively integrating your son into his class and the wider school.

Go and talk to them again and formulate a plan to get this sorted. (oh, and ask to see their anti-bullying policy, I'm not sure it's being followed)

Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:23

God, there are some seriously unpleasant people on this site.

She needs some advice because she thinks her son is being bullied.

How she lives, what she does & the school he goes to (or used to) is simply neither here nor there.

You sound like spiteful, jealous 6th formers, some of you. Grow the fuck up.

So agree with all that!

fromparistoberlin · 18/11/2013 10:23

yes, I see some MN pack mentality bulling and some referring back to old threads too. delightful behaviour , when its about a kid being bullied.

OP there are things we can fix and things we cant fix, as you know!

I am going to get this book here: www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Boys-Different-Become-Well-Balanced/dp/0007153694/ref=sr_1_1/277-9956280-4980106?ie=UTF8&qid=1384770087&sr=8-1&keywords=raising+boys

as for me personally, I think it will help me understand boys a bit

and not project my own insecurity onto him!

some of the mums were a bit frosty with me too, which did not help

why do I fucking even give a shit! Its his school, but its wounding

oldclothcat · 18/11/2013 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:26

Op.

I had issues with bonding myself for reasons i won't go into (because some bitchy cunt on here will use it against me at some point) and it devastates me even now. I worry so much about the impact it may have had on my children. I think its awful for posters to use that as a stick to beat you with and excuse others. treatment of you and your child

superlambanana · 18/11/2013 10:26

It would never occur to me to associate the word 'oik' with any sort of class. To me it just means somebody who behaves in an unruly and not very polite manner like the rich but bitchy and decidedly oikish women on Real Housewives or Big Rich Texas . Class didn't enter my head when OP used the word.

Just sayin'... Smile

OP while I don't agree with you entirely I do feel a bit sorry for you. Could you maybe open up a bit and get to know the nice mum at the gates you mentioned? I see why you're wary but not everyone is bitchy and unkind - some won't give two hoots about your background / handbag / public profile (I know I wouldn't).

Could you explain to teachers your concerns and ask them to find out what's going on - ie who is winding who up? I don't agree with your DS punching anyone though it sounds like you don't either, but I accept there's a lot more to it than meets the eye. It could be that he never punched kids at his old school because they were scared of him anyway, and that clearly isn't the case here as maybe some of the kids are more confident, or it could be that his behaviour has changed as he's being picked on here. Hard to tell, and maybe the teachers can help here.

SugarHut · 18/11/2013 10:26

Ahole People like you are a breath of fresh air. The jealousy and bitchiness I get on a daily basis is always from the majority, MN being no different. Then because they are bitchy in numbers, they "join forces" and take great glee in convincing themselves they must be in the right. It's a reflection on them, not me. I can see you getting wound up on my behalf, and I do sincerely appreciate it, but I promise you, it doesn't bother me, hasn't done for years. I feel so sorry for them, I hope my life never becomes that low, that I can only get my kicks that way. It must be bloody miserable.

I'm thinking of arranging an after school swim one night next week, with maybe 3 other mothers. Good idea?

OP posts:
saulaboutme · 18/11/2013 10:27

Op haven't read the whole thread. Yanbu imo because if there had been any issues at the party the birthday childs mum should have told you when you came to collect him. Maybe she was too busy to notice every thing that was going on but she must have had some idea.

I would definitely address it with the host, ask her was there a problem as according to Freds mum there was.

Really not on with all the punching and hitting but I'd be inclined to say he's defending himself by the sounds of it. My youngest DS is abit like yours honesty wise although not so great at being confident enough to retaliate to stop himself from getting hurt. When he goes to party he will often say the boys are being boistrous but he has to diferentiate between being attacked and rough play.

Anyway, address it. Regarding Freds mum, I'd tell her host had your number and you'd have appreciated a call rather that her trying to dicipline your child on your behalf. I'd be raging!!

SoupDragon · 18/11/2013 10:29

The problem with the party thing is that you weren't there so it is your DSs word against that of Fred's mother. For that reason, I think you need to let that go.

If the teacher(s) can see your DS getting picked on and are doing nothing, that is what you need to focus on. To a certain extent, what your DS was like at his old school is irrelevant - he is hitting the boys in his new class (albeit under provocation) so that fact that it didn't happen before is meaningless really.

oldclothcat · 18/11/2013 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 18/11/2013 10:30

It would seem that there is quite a lot of bitterness from posters at op for being able to afford a private school in the first place.

I personally don't give a shit that op can afford to privately educate her son. In fact, it is a pretty irrelevant point, because the op cold have said that her ds had to move schools, she didn't need to point out that it was private to state.

And while doing so, she managed to insult every state educated child with her sweeping & rude accusations of them being 'oiks', so I think you will find the people are pissed off with that, not the ops bank account.

Daykin · 18/11/2013 10:33

Swimming is a pita. I would do something else

uptheanty · 18/11/2013 10:34

It's a fact op that the playground can be a nightmare.
You have issues to deal with regarding your ds, i would recommend that you focus on the positives.

Reach out to the party mum and her Son hè obviously likes your ds.

Completely disregard Freds mum. She is not a nice person, but neither is she worth your time. Schools are full of these women and you cannot control anything they say or do. Accept this.

If this is your first child you're going to have to get used to these fools or the next 10 years are going to be hell for you.

If you pit yourself up against some people, the good ones will run for the hills and you will be very lonely.

It doesn't make you weak to hunker down for a couple of months until you get some perspective.

The first scène you make will validate everything Freds mum may be saying.

I would also say that most of us don't care if you or anyone else has fancy handbags, stunning looks nice house etc. A twat is a twat regardless.

I also take umbridge to the constant accusasions of jealousy from posters on this thread accusing critical posters of jealousy towards the op.

How do you know that some of us don't have all these things and more?

Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:34

People like you are a breath of fresh air.

Ah thanks Blush Smile

Yes i am wound up on your behalf! Grin

You sound quite tough and deal with it in your own way. I have seen this treatment countless times on here of people who aren't as tough and take it to heart. That's why it bothers me.

Yes i would arrange something. Swimming sounds like a good idea. (one thing to bear in mind is that if they say no it might just be because they don't want to stand next to a model in swimwear) maybe having them over to play or meet at the park as a back up.

Are you going to start with the party boys mum? She sounds nice and friendly.

I think talk to her about what happened, ignore cunt Freds mum and be friendly to the others when you see them.

Ahole · 18/11/2013 10:37

I meant to say that there's a bitchy mum at my children's school and Im super nice and smiley to her. It freaks her out! Grin