Fucking fizzing after children's party.

[SugarHut]

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

Yes, as I said upthread - you either need to throw yourself in (play dates, voluntary stuff, chatting in the playground), or you'd be better finding a private you're happy with.

I live in an area with loads of celebrities. Most use the local private schools, I would imagine because they feel more comfortable.

A friend who is well known nationally sends her child to a local state school. No problems, because she joins in and is enthusiastic about it.

You simply can't call the children oiks, complain about the violence, and yet not make an effort to play. It will just be a nightmare for the next seven years.

I'm not a teacher but I volunteered a great deal at my DDs nursery and infant schools. I knew many of the patents and children from the local parent and toddler group. I can tell you that even if 5 year olds don't lie they do have a different perception to us.

Clearly your son is having trouble settling in and I think you were very unwise not to stay. I think you should be doing more tbh. If you have the time, try volunteering at the school, get a feel for the place and keep an eye out for you son whilst there even if you aren't with his class.

I'll try and word this as sensitively as possible. Sugar I don't think people judge you because you are a model or because of who you've dated, I think people may judge you because you've already got the idea in your head that they're going to judge you anyway. It sounds like "oh they won't like me whatever, so I'll pretend I don't like them and I really don't care either!".

Your son is not a thug or a bully, he's a 5 year old who's had a change of schools which is a big deal at that age. Focusing on 'Fred's mum' is missing the point. You need to work out what your child needs to settle. You also need to work on your feelings that people dislike you because of X, Y or Z because I bet your son is picking up on that.

You also need to take a firmer line if you see bullying or teasing in the playground. It doesn't matter if the child is the son of a model or the son of the freaking Pope, you need to stick up for your son. Speak to the school. The answer is not to keep moving him around, the answer is to help him fit in because he'll model those skills later in life.

Good luck!

I'm a bit shocked by the number of posters telling op that she and her son need to behave differently to fit in, be accepted etc. The headline here is that a five year old boy us being BULLIED. And he is being bullied because he is different. This is NOT acceptable. Regardless of his ability to defend himself physically the taunts of these children will damage. It also sounds like the bullying is being tacitly sanctioned by at least one parent. It needs tackling straight away, with the school. Their response so far has been inadequate. If they don't or can't come up with a better plan I think you need to move schools. Imo this is not to do with state vs private, but small class size vs large (and possibly schools able to tackle bullying vs schools that can't - and for me in this age group this is way more important than results, offstead reports etc).

Good luck op and I'm sorry you and your ds have had a shitty time.

Candy - sometimes moving is the answer. My parents moved me from a large state primary where bullying was rife and I was picked on for being different to a smaller village (state) primary and it turned my life around.

Sugarhut - on the subject of ds's old school. At my (tiny) village school there were a few year groups with only 1 or 2 children and on the whole they still thrived and were included in the social activities of the older or younger cohorts. Is returning there an option at all?

5 year olds do indeed lie. Mine told me his mark on his neck was caused by his fathers grabbing his throat, complete with actions.

When I know for a fact because I was there, that it was caused by his dad managing to catch the hood on his jumper as he went to run away in a tantrum over a toy a very busy market.

I am confused as to why the child has moved schools, Sugar states it is because of fee hikes leaving the class depleted, on another thread in June she states she was going to take him out as the other mothers were "uber competitive" and fawned over the OP too much telling her how fab she was. She also stated that she wanted her son to make friends who were "normal" oiks later on reporting he had got into a village school, no mention of fee hikes.

It would seem that he was moved school on a whim, to suit the mother and not what was best for the child.

There is a lot more to this, and despite Sugar's protestations if her son is role modelling on her condescending (sometimes aggressive) attitude and interactions, and acting out, the other children could well be reacting to this.

OP, if I were you I would ask MNHQ to remove this thread now. I think you have given out enough personal info here and on other threads to be easily identifiable to the parents of your sons school. The language you have chosen to use about their children and your reluctance to have them in your house is not going to help you to help your son settle in his new school.

I picked him up last week, to three of them chanting "You're a fool, you're a fool" and sneering at him

In 27 years of teaching I've never yet heard small boys use the word "fool."

These were the attitudes my ds's teachers had in YR when I talked to them about him being bullied

So he was bullied in his naice private school too?

I agree clam.

If he is hitting back surely in a very short time the other boys will stop hitting him. Bullies hit only if they think they won't get hit back. So in a short time he should be fine.

No soup. .. That was me cutting and pasting another poster's identical experience. My DS did not experience that at the old school. I was thinking about moving him to a state school to make his life more normal, yes, then when so many others left, that kind of finalised the decision to move him.

I know clam...some of the children at this school are something else. And they were saying this in front of their mothers.

The OP has previously said she doesn't mind previous threads being referred to on this.

In a thread in august the OP described how she felt nothing for her son and was just going through the motions. This may be relevant to her sons behaviour now.

Many other posters on this previous thread also suggested that the OP showed an lack of empathy and was showing narcissistic traits.

Given the way this thread is, I think it may be useful for other posters to refer to this august thread by the OP as it sheds light on this one.

Sorry OP. It was unclear from your post. It looked like the bold bits were the only quoted parts and the rest was from you.

Is Party Boy involved in the bullying?

No...he can't return to the old school as the junior dept no longer operates.

I have just come back from the school run. Party mum wasn't there. Freds mum was whispering. ..I swear to god. ..to another mother and staring at me. How I didn't say anything is beyond me. If I hear she is bad mouthing myself or DS I will definitely deal with her. What a nasty piece of work.

I don't know which boys are involved. I do know that DS and party boy were getting on beautifully when I collected him. This is not to say it has always been so.

The only person who had a problem was this other mother. And she was so full of bile the way she spoke to me.

Being really aggressive with the other mother isn't going to help your ds .
I would ignore and try to speak to party mum.

fred's mum clearly has ishoos with beauty, wealth and intelligence. she's out to take you down a peg or two.

your plan of speaking to party mum first is a good one.

and i will get flamed for this, but more likely no-one will read this anyway, i think your ds will eventually stopped getting picked on if he keeps hitting back harder. they'll learn that picking on him is just not worth it.

ItsAll...

Whilst I see you're so very desperate to forge a connection where I have already mentioned there is none, just explain why, when it's so glaringly obvious that DS had no problems at a school for 2 years, then has for the first time encountered children that bully and fist fight, you have to try and invent that it's down to something else.

Don't make stories to suit your own interpretation. Thanks.

Sugarhut - regardless of other threads, you need to book an appointment to speak to the head in school and ask for their help. Also be prepared to hear things you may not like. My son had an incident when he moved secondary school where he used a disproportionately violent reaction to teasing. It was hard to admit, but it was my son's fault not the other boys. In life we cannot lash out if we hear things we don't like, nobody would ever hold down a job if that was the case!

Do not on any account indulge in playground bitchiness with other parents. Small schools are normally excellent at sorting out bullying.

Also, I think you and your son need family therapy for attachment issues - the sticking plaster of school addressing bullying will do nothing to address this underlying issues.

Op, I hope you and your child find the support you both need from the school and other mums to help your little boy settle in. It's understandable that you were upset and emotional after the unpleasant way 'Fred's' mum addressed you. She could have handled it so much better than she did. Lots of children behave out of character or defensively/aggressively if they are anxious, new to a school or being picked on. He's just 5 years old. He needs support, not all that negativity. I would rise above people like Fred's mum and the unpleasant comments on here. Several posters are making assumptions about what your words mean based on mean spirited speculative judgments about your situation and their own insecurities. The minor celebrity, prem footballer, housekeeper, model, private school, designer handbags thing. There's nothing like it to rattle a few cages. I would go and discuss things with the teacher and have a few coffees/play dates with the more approachable mums. I wouldn't give Fred's mum the time of day. She just sounds very rude and handled the situation very badly. No wonder you feel upset. Whatever your son had or hadn't done, she could have approached it in a far more constructive and friendly way with you. Good luck with it. I hope your son settles soon. It can take time though at first. That's normal.

I agree.

Rattled a few cages in real like and on here! Ooh the jealousy! How sad that so many people and mumsnetters feel the need to be so bitchy.

I read your August thread from day one.

@ ItsAllGoingToBeFine - my thoughts exactly. 'Tis no wonder 'The Boy' is kicking out.

Huge issues are coming your way SugarHut, one way or another.

(And don't take your Hermes bag to school again!!!!!!!!!!!)