Fucking fizzing after children's party.

[SugarHut]

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

You have no idea how your son behaved as you weren't there. Perhaps the other parent was justified. You simply don't know. Children's parties are very stressful to host. No one I know would call a parent for bad behavior, they would just tell the child off.

They may have had a max number at one time on the bouncy castle so everyone had to sit a bit out. You simply don't know. Also kids that are lovely when visiting can in a group go a bit wild at parties. You see it all the time so maybe the adults had to have words with several kids. You fear losing the room.

OP, Fred's mum didn't know you were 45s away and if the kids were in danger of hurting each other, of course she had to intervene.

No judgement on whether Fred started it, or your DS, or 50:50, but sometimes a "calm down boys" isn't going to prevent physical risk.

Op, I hope you and your child find the support you both need from the school and other mums to help your little boy settle in. It's understandable that you were upset and emotional after the unpleasant way 'Fred's' mum addressed you. She could have handled it so much better than she did. Lots of children behave out of character or defensively/aggressively if they are anxious, new to a school or being picked on. He's just 5 years old. He needs support, not all that negativity.
I would rise above people like Fred's mum and the unpleasant comments on here. Several posters are making assumptions about what your words mean based on mean spirited speculative judgments about your situation and their own insecurities. The minor celebrity, prem footballer, housekeeper, model, private school, designer handbags thing. There's nothing like it to rattle a few cages.
I would go and discuss things with the teacher and have a few coffees/play dates with the more approachable mums. I wouldn't give Fred's mum the time of day. She just sounds very rude and handled the situation very badly. No wonder you feel upset. Whatever your son had or hadn't done, she could have approached it in a far more constructive and friendly way with you.
Good luck with it. I hope your son settles soon. It can take time though at first. That's normal.

I've read all this and I think it might be you too who needs some support not just your son. You sound lonely.

Maybe your son can't cope with a normal class size? The previous school had 5 in the class? That's a lot of individual attention and quick intervention.

There's a lot more for him to cope with if there are 20+ kids in a class and 300-400 kids in the playground.

Instead of retaliating to small incidents with a punch in the face you could teach him to say "stop that, I don't like it" then go see a teacher. He can't be punching every kid who rough houses with him (it's normal for boys to wrestle etc).

All of the characters in this story sound utterly horrid apart from party mum and she is probably traumatised

Really the party is not the issue - but yes speak to the Party Mum and just clear the air, politely.

The main issue is your DS not settling at the school. Really you need to be talking to his teacher, sorting out playdates with one or two of the kids, and helping your son learn better ways to cope with the teasing.

If you really can't get over yourself and do playdates in the house, is there a local playpark to go to after school? What after school activities do other people do (and yes you stay and sit and make conversation with the mums while the activity takes place - even if it bores you to tears or you think they are prying).

What about next birthday parties - when is your DS's? When the next invite comes out can you check with the Mum if you can stay and help (some Mum's won't want you to but the offer counts). You can even be honest and say things were unsettled at the last party do you want to stay to make sure DS settles - one less thing for the host to worry about.

Every thread you start/are on you refer to your "situation" - and I don't actually keep a spreadsheet and most of the time forget people's NN's. Seriously this has nothing to do with who you or your ex's are - this is a wee boy who has changed schools and is struggling, for whatever reason. You're his Mum so you need to do something about that.

I can see why you're upset - it sounds like Fred's mum was very rude to you and also unkind to your DS. She obviously ferociously defended her boy when she saw your DS hit him of course - I wonder if she knows that her son was the aggressor? I also wonder if she is a bit precious about her boy if she was the only mother who stayed? It could explain why she was so unpleasant.

That aside, there's not much you can do about Fred's mum and there's no guarantee that Party Mum saw what went on plus she might also have had Fred's mum complaining bitterly about your DS in a one-sided rant.

I would be more bothered about the school and the fact that boys seem to be routinely bullying him. It sounds like the old school was a much better fit for him. Do you think that's the case or that he'll eventually settle and become less of a target? I would be getting a plan of action from the school and if unsatisfactory looking elsewhere. Are you really so limited with alternatives that it's this school or nothing?

I think a 'divide and conquer' approach might work - see if you can invite some of these children for individual playdates and start to build up a network with some parents (I know - but consider it a necessary part of parenting, like potty training). By keeping yourself to yourself you may inadvertently appear stand-offish or superior, which makes you an easy target for the Fred's mums of the world.

I wouldn't have left him. He has never socialised with these children before, so was with a group of children he barely knows. The truth is, that you have no idea what happened because you weren't there. next time stay, so YOU can deal with your son if he starts to hit back. Especially as he tends to 'finish' things!

and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things

So he hits back, with quite some force (for a kid). You need to teach him that it is best to walk away, not hit back & also that 'battling' isn't acceptable to some parents.

my experience of private school was a bunch of jumped up brats who believed they were above everyone else

Mine isn't much better! My daughter's friend (she is 10) left public school to go private. She had been there 6mths when she came over for a playdate & bullied my 5yr old, calling her names, shouting at her, shoving her out of my dds room etc. Before she went to private school she was a lovely timid girl who wouldn't have even thought about calling my dd names, let alone actually doing it. So it goes both ways!

Felting for you and your DS. I imagine it's v hard to adjust to a new environment for both of you. Children can be so unkind - and physical. Truth is, you don't really know exactly what happened at the party. All you know for sure is that the other mother reprimanded your son (fairly/ unfairly, too extremely/ not) ... and is a really judgemental bitch.
Your DS obviously has made friends , otherwise he'd not be invited to a party of only 8 boys.
Ignore Bitch Mamma. Make a play date with Party Mum. Let your DS make friends with her son (however 'oikish'. Lol ).
Bet you'll get a better picture of BM as the years go by. Stay well away ... or, be braver than me, and go up to her and ask for a moment, tell get squarely and matter of fairly that you've heard several reports of the way she spoke to your son. Tell her that while she was 'a mother at the party' she was not left in charge of your DS and should've alerted Party Mother, who would've called you. Tell her not to talk to your son again as you're sure she'd not appreciate you talking directly to her DS in that manner / tone.
Or hide.

Feeling- not felting
Leaving all other fat finger errors. We all need a laugh

I wouldn't have been happy to let my children at five go out without me/their dad with a mother who I had never even spoken to in the playground.

But then I would have stayed with them at a party at that age too. And if one of them had acted up (and ds might well have) I would have been grateful that someone else had taken them in hand, and on being told would have immediately a) apologised and b) spoken to my ds. Reading the OP it doesn't sound as if Fred's mum (aka party helper) was rude, rather she was non plussed at the OP's complete non reaction on being told her son had behaved badly. It sounds as if neither the OP nor her ds are very good at reading social cues.

It is not her place to tell him he must never ever do this/that and deem it her decision to sit him on his own in a corner

Regardless of the non disciplining of her own child, if you leave your child at a party you are asking the host mother and any of her 'helpers' to have a duty of care towards him. That duty of care also extends to other children, so yes, actually, if your son was being violent, too right he should be removed & be told to stop. It IS her place, because he needed to be told there & then, not when you got there.

I have told children to stop unsuitable behaviour before now, one boy much older than my dd went down a slide right after she did & kicked her (accidentally) in the back, and it hurt her. I told him to wait until she had had her turn & moved off the slide next time. There wasn't a parent there to remind him, so I did it. If you are going to leave your children unsupervised you HAVE to be prepared for other parents to pull them up on their behaviour in your absence.

By leaving your son you have left the party parent in loco parentis. If she was busy the only other adult probably felt some responsibility too. My ds was pretty hands on with other kids until he was 6. I never left him anywhere for this very reason. I watched and I stepped in if there was any trouble. If other parents thought I was ott then so be it.
If I saw a child hitting another at a party and there were no other adults I would take them off the bouncy castle and ask them to sit out for while to calm down. Maybe she did this and your ds felt she was being unkind. She may have said 'it's naughty to hit' which he interpreted as 'you are naughty'.
Speak to the parent of the birthday child and don't leave your son at parties until he is old enough to control his temper. Mine is now 7 1/2 and has finally learned to tell an adult if he has been provoked instead of sorting it out with his fists.

If your ds is being picked on by these kids then why are you putting him in this situation?
Seriously, look at another school.

I picked him up last week, to three of them chanting "You're a fool, you're a fool" and sneering at him

Really? And you said nothing? I think if I knew for sure that others were directing that at my child I would have told them to stop.

I can't understand why you would put up with that!

She is joking. Surely. Oiks?

We had a very top model move to our local small town.
Her kids went to the local state schools and had no problems.

She made friends and got involved with fundraising for a local hospice by using her considerable skills and knowledge to put on a fashion show.

YABU. TBH from this and a couple of your threads/responses I can see why your DS is struggling.

He seems to spend non-school time being the focus of your undivided attention, you've said you spend thousand on him at Christmas because you know he will love the presents and also that he prefers playing with older boys as he finds children his own age boring.

Sorry to be harsh but you are nor helping him to fit into a state primary school

If you really think so little of ALL the other parents at the school that you can't bear to socialise with them, that is going to have rubbed off on your ds.

Start being a decent role model, treat your ds as a 5 year old not a mini adult and he may find it easier to fit in with the normal 5 year olds at his new school.