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AIBU?

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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
Rhinosaurus · 17/11/2013 22:24

I think you need to ask school to investigate this further to get to the bottom of the dynamics of this situation, and why it would seem that other children are goading your seemingly blameless son into physical violence, and also whether this is an ongoing problem within that school or whether the problem has started with your son starting at that school?

As you say you do not mind information from earlier threads being discussed, I would say that actually that the bonding issues - which have been in effect for five years and cannot possibly have been resolved since August (when you last posted about them) could have a lot to do with this situation.

Have you considered whether your son could have an attachment disorder, which can result in anger being expressed directly, such as acting out and through manipulative, passive-aggressive behaviour. You have previously stated you were emotionally unavailable to your son in his formative pre school years. His current behaviour is being rewarded by your attention which could be a positive outcome for him that he wishes to continue.

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 22:27

heart andHolla any school expecting a 3 year old to be able to write and count to 10 sounds a nightmare. I was being flippant about son's school. It was actually a lovely school which took children from age 3 all the way through to 18. It had very good academic results but very definitely aimed at turning out well rounded children. Being snobbish was very much stamped on.

bubalou · 17/11/2013 22:29

I haven't read all the replies but I probably wouldn't have left him at the party, especially as he was new and already knowing the issues there had been at school.

Maybe let this one go and don't give feeds mum the opportunity next time - make sure you are there.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 22:34

Mist. My 2 main relationships have been with a premiership footballer, and until very recently, a very high profile financier. I have been a model most of my life. Still do the odd bit here and there. And let's not get into discussing any particulars about any of that.

I have learned the hard way about allowing people to get to know me. Most have already decided I'm a bimbo, and just plain dislike me without ever speaking to me. Hardly any know I'm actually also a qualified accountant and not a shit for brains "boobs on a stick." I'd love nothing more to genuinely have a few mothers round. They just come to "have a look" they are not interested in me or DS. So that's why something out somewhere is better for me, DS gets to socialise without me feeling like people are intruding so they can report back.

I am definitely going to speak to party mum. In a very apologetic way "I'm so sorry about the way DS behaved, I hope he didn't spoil the party." If she looks bemused then I will certainly have a word with Fred's mum. If she looks embarrassed then I know DS was being a pain in the ass, but I will still talk to Fred's mum and acknowledge DS was not well behaved, but it is not her place to discipline to that degree when I am 45 seconds walk away.

OP posts:
happymummythesedays · 17/11/2013 22:34

your fault you left him

AmIthatHot · 17/11/2013 22:34

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AmIthatHot · 17/11/2013 22:35

and was so scared I should have said Biscuit

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 17/11/2013 22:37

Oh dear. I guess lifestyle choices are having a massive impact here. That is quite sad for your son, he had no input to that but it seems he is paying the price regardless.

Perhaps you should get him back in private school and move in the proper circles again ?

heartisaspade · 17/11/2013 22:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happymummythesedays · 17/11/2013 22:42

my advice, do not go to war with one of the parents in your sons school, having a word is not the way forward at all - especially if he is the "new boy" whether she was right or wrong, it is NOT ABOUT YOU and you could make the next 7 years of his life hell if you get it wrong at this stage

monicalewinski · 17/11/2013 22:45

It's really all about you, isn't it?

LOADS of good advice re dealing with the position your boy has found himself in at his new school, but you ignore all that and keep coming back to you.

How other mums perceive you, what you are going to say to the other mums, fantasising how they may react and then how you'll react to them, relaying your background, profession, appearance etc.

Deal with the actual issue, which is your 5 year old boy is having a miserable time at a new school.

Everything is not about you.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 22:48

Happymummy, I don't want to go to war....but what if I say nothing, and Fred's mother (who no doubt is thrilled at having a "story" to relay about DS and I) goes round adding fuel to the existing fire.

DS is not a bully. He's being picked on, then retaliating in a noticeable way on occasions. All the times he's going to the teachers are not being noticed of course, just when he get's pushed past the point of reason and knocks a culprit down. Again I repeat, this is from the teachers telling me he is NOT instigating this.

I don't need Fred's mother stirring "You won't believe what I had to do with her DS"

OP posts:
neunundneunzigluftballons · 17/11/2013 22:48

I would agree to leave Fred's mum for the moment wait until DS has settled before handling that situation I am willing to bet you will get a chance again.

Moreisnnogedag · 17/11/2013 22:50

On a complete sidetrack, 3 yr olds can draw a picture of their family and write their name?! Seriously? I have a pfb just about to turn three and he can count to ten (but usually then goes back down to 1 yelling blast off) and can hold a pen to scribble. Is this really what three year olds can do?

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 22:50

neun do you not think it's a damage limitation exercise to find out what happened and then if appropriate nip this woman in the bud?

OP posts:
happymummythesedays · 17/11/2013 22:56

If she is going to go around "stirring fire" then you having a word with her will make it worse, she will slag of DS and also you - you will come off worse because people know her.

And if she wasn't going to stir, she will if you have a word with her.

If you have concerns, you need to raise them in the proper way, through the school. I

Basically, however you put it, you want to call her a liar. She isn't going to like that. You really need to consider what you are doing - because your son will pay the price. Children forget quickly, their parents dont.

heartisaspade · 17/11/2013 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 17/11/2013 23:03

I would focus on other parents and other children to make sure your son has friends. Personally I would hold off on Fred's mum, if you were going to deal with the Fred situation you could mention to the school that the bullying is extending beyond the schoolyard. that is as far as I would take it until things settle down. Just bide your time things are sure to settle and you do not need to make enemies out of parents unless absolutely necessary.

Daykin · 17/11/2013 23:06

It will not be a damage limitation exercise to speak to Fred's mum. It is close to impossible to have a conversation where you call the other person a liar and tell them they did the wrong thing without making things worse.

Have you read 'the unwritten rules of friendship'? I found it very useful with my ds1 who is very easy to wind up.

Invite a boy over to play and offer to take him home again if you are suspicious of people being in your house. Lie if necessary 'I have a dentist appointment yards from your front door so I'll just drop him off, shall I?'. Or, if possible, try to be less suspicious. Most people have enough of their own shit going on without criticising your kitchen roll holder or whatever it is you are afraid of them seeing.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 23:16

NO!!!! I have no intention of calling her a liar. But I do have every intention of letting her know that she is not to address my DS in that manner ever again. It's one thing if it was her DC's party. Or if she had been more "calm down...boys, stop it...once more and you both sit down here"

OP posts:
Dilidali · 17/11/2013 23:25

neun do you not think it's a damage limitation exercise to find out what happened and then if appropriate nip this woman in the bud?

No. It's not about you, it's about your DS. You need to be more subtle than that. At the moment you're thinking like a 5 yo, you let them wind you up and then wallop.

Daykin · 17/11/2013 23:26

But she might have said all of those things already. She has told you he was really badly behaved. She has told you he was punching and kicking other children. She has told you they had to pull him off other children. If she is telling the truth then her telling him off probably escalated from the 'calm down boys.' type to 'You can't go on the bouncy castle until I say.'

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 17/11/2013 23:27

I would have stayed. He's only 5 and at a new school.

Daykin · 17/11/2013 23:31

If you don't want other people to tell him off then you really do have to stay with him. A lot of people wouldn't bother phoning the parent because of a couple of 5yo's having a bit of a scrap. People just deal with things.

jeansthatfit · 17/11/2013 23:31

OP - if you think your child is being targeted because of a certain amount of personal celebrity you have, then you need to be realistic. Talk to friends who will have had similar issues.

It pretty mich boils down to 2 choices - one, you pay for a selective enough education that being the child of a celebrity doesn't much matter. Two, you make an effort to integrate and manage your parental friends and their children, and deal with the fact that there will be a certain amount of curiosity - manage it as best you can. You aren't the first person to be in this position.

Don't act stand offish, engage in feuds with local parents, and then expect your 5 year old boy to be fine at school and not be defensive and stand offish himself.