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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
Balaboosta · 17/11/2013 20:55

Another thing - bouncy castles are devil's work. Bloody lethal.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 17/11/2013 20:55

It seems to me that OP gets a rather disproprortionate amount of MN time for what, essentially, is oik-like common sense

I think you have a lot to learn, love. But you ain't listening, so see you here again this time next week/month

neunundneunzigluftballons · 17/11/2013 20:58

Yep Sugarhut I can fully buy what you are saying DH has said boys challenging his mates has gone on all their lives from the early years. There is a big gang of mates and it was mainly the big guys targeted. It was private school though so that probably is not going to make much difference. Focus on the school as others have said and then try to foster some nice friends for him which helps to dilute the hassle. Hope things settle for him.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 20:59

I said "I have size 4 feet."

Well actually I didn't. But that piece of information is about as useful as your handbag derailing, so I thought I'd drop that in instead.

Thank you MrsOak I really do appreciate that. And I know I should get over not wanting to socialise with other parents. I just am so very private, and I didn't have to do this at the old school. I know I sound like a whiny brat, ohhhhh I don't wannnnnt tooooo. But I do have valid reasons for wanting to maintain elements of privacy.

I agree with you too Lilac for whatever reason, he's getting punched, then punching back. And seemingly bloody hard too. Maybe he gets ribbed about me. Maybe he's trying to be top dog in the pecking order and it's upsetting the school dynamic. The school really does nothing of any help other than assure me (and others) that it's not him instigating things.

OP posts:
Pearlsaplenty · 17/11/2013 21:03

I think you are going to have to supervise your ds more. He is only 5 so I think you should be attending birthday parties with him.

If you don't get along with the other mums and your ds's problems continue then I think you may have to have another look into finding another private school. Maybe you could relocate into an area with more school options. If he is already having trouble at 5 it may be worth planning ahead as these problems may get worse. What plans do you have for secondary school?

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 21:04

Ffs you are the one who brought up the handbag. Don't start whining about it derailing the thread.

Lilacroses · 17/11/2013 21:11

Well then that is something Sugarhut isn't it? I know that is distressing to hear from the school but if he's not instigating things then it really is up to the school to try to manage this and to control the children who ARE instigating the thumping. I hope they support you with this. It's tricky for little ones to join a new school and, as I said, sometimes there can be really unfortunate dynamics.

Hope he has a reasonable week next week.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 21:11

I know neun I had hoped these were just teething issues and now nearly 3 months on they would have settled a little at least.

Other than that though, he seems to like the school. He's just been given the main role in the Christmas play, he prefers their lunches, he's definitely adapting well in some ways. If we are out, and children from the school see him, supermarket trip say, they all shout out to him and wave frantically, you would presume he was the height of popularity.

Secondary school, he is going back to a private school, if we still live in the arse end of nowhere he will at least be old enough to take a taxi on his own by then.

OP posts:
Lilacroses · 17/11/2013 21:14

Aaaah!!! Good for him! I bet he will enjoy doing the play and that children greet him so enthusiastically.

justmyview · 17/11/2013 21:15

Can I recommend a brilliant film to you - it's called Carnage and it's about children falling out in the playground. Can't recommend it highly enough

neunundneunzigluftballons · 17/11/2013 21:16

Well 3 mths in and invited to a small birthday party is not bad going given the circumstances. Would that little boy be a possible candidate as a friend? I would speak to the party mum, tell her what has been going on and say you and the school are looking to address it and if there was hassle apologise for not being there and say you are going to keep a close eye until things settle down. Give Freds mum a wide berth he could be part of the problem.

Floggingmolly · 17/11/2013 21:17

Sorry, must have misunderstood. Your post at 17.32 states he's the youngest of three siblings...

YouStayClassySanDiego · 17/11/2013 21:19

You are making a huge mistake chopping and changing his path through schooling to the age of 16.

I feel for your boy .

Pearlsaplenty · 17/11/2013 21:20

Since he mostly likes school I would keep him there and keep communicating with the school. Attend all other non-school events with him. 5 is still young and hopefully they all outgrow this stage soon.

If things don't improve maybe you could get a part time nannyto drive him to a private school that is further away.

heartisaspade · 17/11/2013 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 21:22

Ohhhhh, no molly that was me cut and pasting another poster who had the identical problem. She has 3 DCs. I see how I ballsed that bit up and it looked like me :)

I'm going to speak to party mum though. I have too.

OP posts:
lilmissmummy1 · 17/11/2013 21:24

I'd speak to the Mum of the birthday boy and depending on what she says approach the Freds mother and quite calmly tell her she is never to reprimand your son again. It was the responsibility of the birthday boys mother to remain in charge and discipline if necessary, not a random mother who happened to be there. Surely if your son was so badly behaved you would have received a phonecall?
Fred's Mother sounds extremely rude. If I were you I would have told her to hang on a sec and gone to check with the other mother before getting into dialogue with her.

mumteedum · 17/11/2013 21:26

Hi op

What comes across to me reading yr posts is that you don't really sound like you've accepted the reality of your situation. It's like comparing the New school to the old sschool all

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 21:33

heartisaspade Yes, quite correct re admission criteria at junior nursery.

Ours did have an admission criteria at P1. I assumed it meant can still afford to pay the fees and hasn't attempted to strangle the nursery hamsters.

mumteedum · 17/11/2013 21:34

Ahh bluddy phone...posted too soon!

Was trying to say I think it sounds like you are comparing old and New schools and kids at respective schools but that doesn't really help you move on.

You need to accept the New school. You don't have to socialize with other mums but getting to know them a bit will help ds settle in. Inviting a friend round would surely be good for him? Wouldn't invade privacy. It's his home too isn't it?

I went to state school. Parents friends' kids went private. Some of their now adult children only seem to relate to similar people. I feel confident accepting people as I find them.

Hope things settle down soon.

sittinginthesun · 17/11/2013 21:56

I honestly think you would be far more comfortable moving to another small private school.

I'm all for state schools, and my boys are thriving at ours. The most aggressive children I know are actually at local private schools, so I don't think it is a state v private thing, it's just finding a school that suits your son.

In my case, I'm involved in the school, in the playground, with play dates, school fairs etc. If you're going to distance yourself, and worry about your ds's classmates, then where's the fun? You will be wading in every time there's a scuffle, and it won't be comfortable.

If your lifestyle suits a private school better, and if you're not going to have any connection with the other parents at this school, then it's going to be an uphill battle for a long time.

HollaAtMeBaby · 17/11/2013 22:05

Just an aside for heartisaspade: lots of London private schools are selective from age 3. Obviously you have to be willing and able to pay the fees but there is a real assessment of the kids. Things like can they write their name, count to 10, draw a picture of their family and talk about it, do they have half-decent social skills (by 3yo standards) etc. I have seen 3yos get rejected by these schools after attending assessment sessions - it's a real thing, mad as it sounds :(

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 17/11/2013 22:18

Why don't you want to invite ds's friends, and their parents, around to your house ?

You have accepted other's hospitality so far. Why not reciprocate ?

RussianBlu · 17/11/2013 22:19

Op, it really isn't a super fantastic idea to post here for advice, there are council house dwellers and all sorts in these places.

heartisaspade · 17/11/2013 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.