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AIBU?

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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
LEMisafucker · 17/11/2013 20:27

Shame really - getting to know the other mums is the key - sorry op, but really, you need to get over yourself, for your son's sake. It sounds like he needs some stability in his life

JanineStHubbins · 17/11/2013 20:27

I agree with notablob. There is a crucial part of the OP's relationship with her DS that is probably factoring into how he interacts with other children.

FraidyCat · 17/11/2013 20:28

I don't have any problem with OPs language. I think it is perfectly reasonable to describe children who routinely start fights as badly behaved fighty oiks, regardless of their social background. The fact that poster after poster thinks she said all state school kids are oiks is testament to their lack of reading skills.

Balaboosta · 17/11/2013 20:28

Sorry you left your son there.
You should have stayed.
Don't think there's anything to be done now.
You don't sound blessed with social skills, you'll make it worse.
This is about getting to know your son now, learning how to operate and finding out how to support him to integrate into new school. It is nothing to do with Fred's mum.
Saying you "don't want to get to know the other mums" doesn't sound good. If you fear intimacy, how is your son meant to learn how to get on with people - of any and all "types" since you seem much more aware I the differences between people than the common weal of humanity.
Are you the OP who did the housekeeper thread a while back?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 17/11/2013 20:28

So your latest ex is not the father of DS ?

And neither is your current partner.

I meant what does the father of your ds think ? Does he contribute/pay school fees/have an opinion or any input into his ds's schooling/upbringing ?

It sounds like you do need some support, because you are all about the front I think, and less about the reality. Some proper support from somebody real, not a person that judges you on your handbag. That was meant kindly. Do you surround yourself with real people at all ?

Balaboosta · 17/11/2013 20:32

Or the one that took too-expensive wine to the parents' get-together...?

neunundneunzigluftballons · 17/11/2013 20:33

Is he bigger I know DHs friends who are big chaps have had this all their lives. Boys seem to be programmed to take on the bigger boy to show their own strength and this is something that goes on for life. Thing is with dh's mates they are 3 gentle giants and the constant hassle had made them very quiet. If that is what is going on and your viewpoint has been confirmed by the teacher and principal I would way the approach he has taken is right first tell a grown up and second defend himself.

Floggingmolly · 17/11/2013 20:34

Where are the siblings, or is he actually being raised as an only child?
If so, he won't be used to fairly rough play at all, will he?

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 20:35

Lol at "Latest Ex" That would be the one man I've dated since DS's father.

Thank you FraidyCat....if I'd have written that there would be all kinds of hoohah, but you are so very right :)

Yes, I still have the housekeeper. All running swimmingly now :)

I certainly agree that the way DS develops is as a direct result of how I interact with him as a mother. But as this is such a clear and obvious result of him moving schools, and an issue that never ever arose until he did...don't try and over analyse it into something it's not.

DS's father pays for him, yes. He generally supports my decisions, was quite ok with him moving schools.

OP posts:
UniS · 17/11/2013 20:36

I thought it was compulsory for all large scale 5th birthday parties to involve at least 3 boys trying to barge each other to the floor while at least one of their mummies looks on saying despairingly " he's not like this at home".

Happened at DS's 5th, and the nice mummy despairing was convinced it had only happened since they started bringing little darling jonny to our local school because his catchment school was too small and he would have been the only boy in year group. I did break it to here that I'd not called her back from pub ( no mobile signal so she had left land line I recognised) as I had thought this WAS normal for her little jonny as he was just like this at school too.

Don’t worry OP - it wasn't you, this was 3 years ago. Little jonny now goes to a nice prep school. He never did stop fighting at every opportunity.

tiredlady · 17/11/2013 20:36

Sorry to say OP, I don't think other women dislike you because you are "in the public eye", I fear they may dislike you because you come across as a bit of a snob and very up yourself.
I think you need to relax a bit

LEMisafucker · 17/11/2013 20:37

too expensive wine, hand bags? oh, i remember

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 20:39

OP, you really need to re read your posts with a bit of self-awareness. You come across as a stand offish snob; with a bit of a temper.

Re the handbag, someone asked me once if a bag was real ( Lulu Guinness, I suspect not posh enough for you) I simply took it as a compliment and said it was. She said it was lovely, end of story.

Mind you I have asked a friend if her bag was a real Louis Vuitton, her response, was , did I think she had more money than sense?

Are you seriously saying that you don't think this mother is worth speaking to as she failed to recognise your designer bag was real?

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 20:40

Neun...yes, he is a very big boy for his age.

Flogging, there are no siblings? He has had plenty of boisterous play at his old school, this is them full on punching DS, not me confusing the two.

I have no problem in getting to know other mums...I just didn't need to at his old school, I can't see how that's going to make a difference here. I wouldn't invite them round, but I would happily go to a soft play thing, or swimming.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 17/11/2013 20:44

OP
I'm sorry but I have advanced searched you after readingnotabob post

Just read your Christmas present list, my God!! Grin

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 20:44

No idea what this wine business is....? Wasn't me.

Don't be ridiculous Caitlin. I meant that's all she said to me. No "how are you, how is DS?" small talk or anything. And I found it so bizarre that I have not sought her out for another amazing conversation.

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 17/11/2013 20:45

I would have thought moving from a school where there were 5 in a class to one where there are, I assume, up to 30, is a massive disruption to any child. To one who is 'eccentric', even more so.

I would focus on the school and your DS, not other mums. Though I do think that you may have to get over your dislike of socialising with other parents in order to help your DS adjust.

Oh, and I also know of a small private school that closed due to the financial crisis and people not being able to pay the fees, so please don't accuse the OP of lying - it certainly can and does happen.

And shame on those posters who clearly can't read - the OP clearly states 'some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks'. It says more about those who have extrapolated this statement to mean the OP thinks all state-educated children are oiks, than it does about the OP. It is always so wearisome when people misread (or more likely misinterpret according to their own issues), pile in and derail a thread.

Lilacroses · 17/11/2013 20:46

I hope you can sort it out Sugarhut. It must be difficult trying to settle at a new school etc and to run the gamut of the other mothers/fathers which I know can be very hard.

As kungfupanda says there are all sorts of variables to think about here BUT, and I say this as a fellow parent and teacher of young children. If you keep getting the same message about your DS ie that he is playing roughly, hitting others etc please, please take it on board. I'm not saying there wont be reasons for this or that it's all his fault. It's just I cannot tell you how difficult it is trying to work with parents to help their children when they will not accept what teacher after teacher tells them.

If that's not the case that's super but if it is show the school that you are keen to work with them to help him. I had an interesting situation in my class one year that might be similar to your Ds's. I had 4 boys that were all absolutely fine, calm and sensible on their own but together they were incredibly badly behaved and so disruptive! It was the strangest thing because they were all really lovely children, which I was at great pains to point out to their parents. We had to work very hard with them at thinking of strategies for them to stay apart and not to be persuaded to join in with any monkey business! It was really exhausting but did work in the end.....mostly!

And it really isn't a private school/state school thing. My Dd who goes to a state school was out with one of her friends and 2 other girls from a private school this weekend. They went to a shopping mall and the girls tricked my Dd into waiting in a particular place and then all ran off on purpose to "lose" her! Lovely!! And these are all apparently very naice girls!

I hope things work out for you both.

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 20:47

Fraidycat I never said OP referred to all state school pupils as "oiks"
I object to the word as it's simply snobbish. I mentioned it as it's the sort of word that would have earned a reprimand if used by a pupil at my son's ( private) school.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 17/11/2013 20:50

Most of these comments are not very helpful but IMO I would just have a quick word with the mother of the boy who's party it was to check your facts, wait 24 hours and then, if necessary , let rip with Fred's mother the following day!

Caitlin17 · 17/11/2013 20:51

sugar And how did you respond to her question about the bag?

Balaboosta · 17/11/2013 20:51

dont try to over analyse it

Your children is getting into fights, you post on mN about it and then say don't over analyse it?!

So the only feedback you are prepared to analyse is yes, dear, those are nasty oiks, no dear that awful common mother is to blame, yes dear your son is a lovely little angel..?

Tell me, OP, just who is it that you are "fizzing" - whatever that means - at?

Daykin · 17/11/2013 20:53

OP, what does your ds say about punching and kicking and being pulled off loads of children?

Does he say it was just one incident, on the bouncy castle with Fred?

Balaboosta · 17/11/2013 20:53

...and this, in a situation where you have been emotionally negligent...?
This is the housekeeper thing all over again. Everything with you is someone else's fault. Whatever you say.

Coconutty · 17/11/2013 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.