Fucking fizzing after children's party.

[SugarHut]

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

I would not assume parents don't complain lightly they do at my dds school, complain to school and confront each other all the time. I find that many parents get overly involved and do not put any perspective on their childrens tales before complaining or approaching other parents.

I totally get what you're saying and I think you need absolute facts to know how to best deal with this. I think you should speak to party mum, along the lines of "I'm so sorry, I hear DS's behaviour was dreadful At the party, could you let me know exactly what happened so I can discuss it with him?"

Get the facts and then you need to speak to the teachers again. I'd also start having some play dates soon with some of the decent kids.

Actually, it indicates that the school takes them that early if they pass the admission criteria, and that I felt it was the best school for my child.

HTH.

They aren't really doing anything to help him integrate. I should state this is not a daily occurrence, but certainly twice a week. It doesn't seem to put his nose out of joint too much, which I suppose is why I haven't been taking huge steps to fix anything. He never says that he doesn't want to go to school. He never cries about it. Never seems sad about it. He's quite matter of fact if I ask him, not very emotive, unless I play devil's advocate "Are you sure this/that/the other didn't happen" and then he will quite swiftly repeat exactly what he said, getting a little frowny that I'm potentially not believing him.

I'm not sure you are helping him integrate either. The comments about naice private schooling and oiks are actually very pertinent to this situation. Your attitude may very well be rubbing off on him and it's not helping him fit in. If you swan around with a superior attitude, you won't be liked and neither will your child.

Heres what you do:-

You apologise to party mum , after all that will be an opportunity to get a more realistic report about what happened. "I have heard that DS was less than well behaved at the party, i am really sorry about that, can you tell me what happened" Be FRIENDLY, matter of fact and non-defensive and you will get a better picture. She wont feel embarrased see.

Then you ask some boys over to play......get to know their mums etc, that way you can really see what the dynamic is. You'll know what is happening. Your DP will become more popular by default of the fact he is inviting them round to his house....

Have decent coffee and naice biscuits for the mums (im not joking) and get chatty and friendly with them, that way they are more likely to come to you if there is a problem, you will feel more able to approach them.

Don't be the mum that is always going up to the school and banging on the heads desk - that was my mother, trust me, it did not help.

I think that's a very good way to approach party mum LEMis

I'm prepared to get flamed for this...but I don't want to get to know the other mums. I'm super private (which is why I love the anonymity of MN) and without banging on, if anyone has read any of my other posts, I am a little in the public eye, and women tend to instantly dislike me for it. Certainly locally. I'm nothing special, but it is a case of small pond syndrome. I don't invite people into my home, I have been burnt like that before, I have my small group of friends I love and trust.

I appreciate this may not help DS. I am open to playdates though. Maybe I can suggest swimming or something similar.

I'm certainly not a bang on the head's desk kind of person. I'd never do that.

I think you need to try and take a step back and work out what it is that you want to achieve.

Where children are concerned, I am firmly of the view that no adult ever, ever has the absolute 100% clear picture. Children sometimes fib, even the generally very truthful ones. They sometimes misread situations, or quite simply forget exactly what happened. They make their minds up about something and then it is hard to get them to change them. Adults don't have eyes in the back of their heads. They aren't there all the time. Children behave differently for different adults and in different situations. Children can change their behaviour very quickly, and grow into phases and out of them again.

It is entirely possible that your DS is being picked on. It is also possible that he is contributing to the situation by something he is doing and not telling you about. He may be overreacting to a bit of rough play. He may not. The teachers may not be seeing everything that is going on. The other parents may have weeping children telling them how awful your DS is being. They may believe their children as implicitly as you believe yours.

The important thing is to work out a way forward so that your DS can settle in. I don't think you should take it up with the other mother on this occasion - the bottom line is that you weren't there, and she was, and you cannot possibly know for certain what happened. I don't think you should speak to the party child's mother as you risk putting her in a difficult situation or, quite possibly, having whatever you say reported straight back to the other parents, which will probably isolate you, and therefore your DS, even more.

Talk to the school. Ask them to be honest with you about how much your DS is contributing to the situation. Ask them what they are doing and how you can support your DS, and the school, in getting him settled in and happy. Make sure you are approachable. You may be able to get a dialogue going with some of the other parents.

Good luck. It doesn't sound like much fun. But try and bite your tongue and think of the end result you want.

Honestly OP read you're first post and imagine you didn't write it.

You do need to face the fact that your son is getting into some bother and while it may not all be him you need to establish what the problem is.

While Fred's mother may have done it in totally the wrong way she may have witnessed aggression on the bouncy castle that could not go unchecked. As an aside I had one for my eldest at 5 (so majority 4-5) and I was shocked at how difficult they are to police and felt we had kept the kids safe by the skin of our teeth. We will never have one at a party again.

You also need to accept that while your son may not lie he is only presenting his version and the full picture might be different (might not). I would ask party mum (with a non specific apology opening) and see what she says. You need to be open to the idea that your son may be at fault, it is unlikely the aggro on the castle was completely fictitious but it is possible that Fred's mum misinterpreted it.

x-posted with jeansthatfit who said it all more succinctly.

Kungfu... I fully acknowledge he will be contributing to the situation. I know he will be. That's truly a very helpful post.

My only concern is if I say nothing to party mum, what if she believes DS was really badly behaved. And although she didn't say anything, she has probably heard this evening from Fred's mum that she said her piece to me. Which then leaves party mum knowing that I have been told DS was a little bugger, and that I then don't acknowledge that to her. If I do infact owe her (even the smallest) apology, is it not better to say sorry and be wrong than not say anything at all?

A prep school increased fee's so much so, that all but one child left ? really?

Language and bad manners aside, I,m sorry your son is having a hard time.

I'd let it go and try to move on positively.

And I think you need to have a rethink about how approachable you are. If you never have children over, then it will, in due course, be noticed and commented on. If your DS is already isolated, you need to be doing as much as you can to help him integrate, not cultivating a stand-offish reputation.

And you may well find you get on with some of the parents quite well outside the playground. I can be quite anti-social - I tend not to make friends in situations where I'm supposed to be meeting people/making friends. But I've made some good friends since DS1 started school in September - just through casual chat and some one-on-one situations.
But the rest of the playground still merges into one big group of anonymous parent-ness.

Party mum was there. She will know if ds was badly behaved or not. She might have missed the specific bouncy castle incident but she can't have missed "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children."

If she wanted an apology then she should have told you what went on (if anything did), although I wouldn't blame her if she didn't, in the interests of avoiding a socially awkward moment with a woman she hardly knows but will see almost daily for years to come.

Personally I would say something because I would want to know what had gone on and Fred's mum was either a) lying b) biased c) at the end of her rope after dealing with naughty kids all afternoon d) over-reacting e) a meddling gossip f) had some other reason for saying ds was really badly behaved that I can't think of so party mum might shine a brighter light on the whole murky business.

Actually of the 5 in his year, 1 moved. 3 refused the massive fee hike. And to be fair, I wasn't going to keep him there much longer because of the sudden increase in fees, but the others just happened to bail quicker, leaving just DS. So yes. That's exactly right.

I have spoken to a couple of the other mothers. One asked if my handbag was real (yes, really) and I didn't speak to her a second time. Another is really nice, and we sometimes pass the time while we're dropping off our DS's. The others just tend to stare.

I suppose at the old school I never had to even think to invite people round, or try and socialise. All the children just got on. Sigh.....

'm prepared to get flamed for this...but I don't want to get to know the other mums. I'm super private (which is why I love the anonymity of MN) and without banging on, if anyone has read any of my other posts, I am a little in the public eye, and women tend to instantly dislike me for it"

are you katie hopkins, op? [Grin]

Sorry about the typos!

I would approach other parent because if your son has been a bit of a handful she might appreciate it and she sounds like she could become a friend.

I do think that if you want your son to settle well you may have to be a bit more approachable and welcoming (inviting kids round). It's hard but when they are very little their social life does rely on you to an extent.

TicToc!!!!!!! Katie Fucking Hopkins!!!!

Fair play, that's the first time I've laughed this evening since the party.

Not sure if it's against the guidelines to refer to OP's other thread about here DS, or just considered by some not to be good form, but I do think that most of those replying are missing crucial information about what may be affecting OP's DS.

Have you any friends in the area at all ? Or just ones from the private school ?

What does your partner say ?

TicTocCroc I was thinking that too!

Socialising with other parents is pretty normal for school age kids. Most of us just kinda cope with it ; )

Yes I do have friends locally. DS plays beautifully with their children. We still see children from the old school, but very rarely.

On/Off DP of 4yrs I recently permanently split from. I am dating someone right now, but there is no involvement between him and DS.

I'm think Towie with a name like SugarHut!!

A school not far from me recently closed due to mass pupil exit after fee hike, it does happen.

And you get just as many oiks in public school and you do in state,they just tend to hide it better.

Notablob if you mean the bonding issues I had with DS, then I have no problem with mentioning that. I'm not ashamed of how I used to feel, and I'm so very happy to say that I am slowly but surely on the way to normality. All down to some incredible people on here. Which is why I bloody love Mumsnet.

And in no way of denial, this has absolutely nothing to do with that, so please don't try and distort the issue.