Fucking fizzing after children's party.

[SugarHut]

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

at the end of the day you need information...without it you can't get to the bottom of this. Who is doing what is (almost) irrelevant...but without info you can't help to resolve the situation.

Children do tend to get better at lying and covering up as they get older OP - your son is 5 now, so I assume his classmates are fairly similar. I wouldn't assume, for sure, it was the fact he was at a private school previously that meant telling the truth was 'the norm', rather than he was a younger child, and so were his classmates.

I don't doubt for a second btw that the OP's ds is isolated and struggling to fit in - and may well be on the end of some targeted aggression. As someone who seems to retaliate very strongly, and 'finish things', as well as being a 'wind up merchant' 'acidic' and verbally able beyond his years (all of the from the OP) then I can see he's going to hit problems. I don't think it is as simple as being either the victim or the aggressor - most bullies are pretty unhappy, after all.

A telling response from the OP - if this mother who annoyed you gets in your face again (why on earth would she?) then you won't be able to help yourself - she'll get 'total verbal annihilation'.

THIS is the behaviour your son is showing. Except as a 5 year old boy, he lashes out with his fists and 'finishes things.'

If you know no better, what the hell can he do.

Apologise to the party mum. If she does this then you know that Fred's mum is lying. If she says 'Oh, that's ok, I know what they can be like.' then you can be fairly sure he was extraordinarily badly behaved and you can probe further.

What does he say about the kicking and punching and being pulled off other boys? Does he say that it didn't happen?

omg the poor woman comes on for advice because she is stressed because some woman she doesn't know has come up to her and talked to her like shit not only that but punished her child who is 5 years old. I would have ripped freds mums head off. one of my friends has a boy who is 8 but the size of a ten year old and as gentle as u like. he has tourettes and often gets wound up by other kids until he lashes out. mn use to be about muns helping each other and now all it seems to be is a nest of vipers with keyboard warriors jumping on each other when they dont even know them. I would go and speak to the head again sugarhut.

Just ask her how ds behaved as you were approached by Fred's mum complaining about ds behaviour and you just wondered if she had noticed what had gone on as you would hate to have thought either ds was a problem. See what she says and if ds was a problem in her yes apologies and explain what ds told you about the bouncy castle if she says no problem just say thanks you that's what I suspected as I thought Fred's mum was possibly over reacting.

I would have ripped freds mums head off.

that's good advice, that

LEM... believe me, I do not think DS can not put a foot wrong. I hope that is not what people are reading from this thread and then advising according to that. He does. Frequently. And boy, do I let him know. I am frequently told I am the strictest mother in my social group and that I need to let DS breathe a little more. I just apparently have a very 1950's style approach to my parenting. No nonsense from him. Trust me, I know what he can be, he can be a smart arse to the point of distraction. But I also know what he is not.

I do believe he lacks social skills. It was a very small school. With a very certain type of child. All rather eccentric. All a little bit, "Rik Mayall" is the weirdest sort of way. Fabulous senses of humour. Very cliquey.

I fully expected there to be integration problems. But not boys basically just thumping him, then crying "bully" and it to be believed because 1 time in every 5 he reacts and gives them a taste of their own medicine. The only saving grace is that the teacher has been telling other parents that he is being picked on, and he is not the one starting these incidents.

Why mention Perez Hilton , rather odd.

You mentioned earlier that when you picked up your ds , 3 boys were chanting and sneering at him, why didn't you deal with this issue of bullying then?

You were wrong to leave him unattended at this party.

Discuss with the school what the plan is regarding your ds.

Ignore Fred's mum.

how was that advice? advice would be me saying next time freds mum talks to you like that, rip her head off. I was saying what I would do. Obviously not physically but in more of a metaphorical sense x

sugar, you do amuse me. It's a bit like listening to someone coming from another planet sometimes. But I reckon your heart is in the right place.
Based on that, here's my two pence:
Ask the birthday boy's mum how things went and apologise if your son went a bit wild.
Stay with him at parties for a while.
Never ever call someone else's child oik, s**t.
Speak to the teacher and see if he is physical whilst at school. Do they have a 'worry box' that your son can use if others are picking on him?

Either way I would mention wether she called you or not, that was her call if she thinks the behaviour war enter that or not. tBH I wouldn't call any parent I would feel competent in managing any child's behaviour at a party.

Hmmm....Thug....that's one thing he absolutely is not. This behaviour is brand new from being at this school, with basically "boys that fight

You say he never behaved like this in two years of school, yet he was only 3.5 when he started. It is really not unusual for the behavior of a 3.5 yr old and a 5 yr old to differ.

It is quite possible that the change in your sons behavior is because your son is growing/changing, not because he is being infected by 'oiks'

They don't stay as our little darlings forever even the ones that go to naice schools.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to ask the party mum. "I hear DS was a handful at the party. I'm so sorry if this was the case...." See what she says.

I wouldn't mention where you heard if from, Fred's mum might be her best mate or something.

But you do need to know.

And I believe you, btw, about your DS always being truthful. Mine always was too - up until he was about 7/8 and he figured out he didn't have to tell the truth!

Children don't come off conveyor belts, they have their own little personalities and their own foibles.

Sugarhut it doesn't seem to have occurred to you that maybe the other children in the school didn't behave the way they are doing now before your DS arrived? Because that is entirely possible. So it will potentially be as much of a surprise to the other parents as it is to you. And for those less informed about the details than you are, it may just be a little too easy to jump to the conclusion that it is your DS behaving badly, rather than all of them changing their behaviour.

sugar, you do amuse me. It's a bit like listening to someone coming from another planet sometimes.

I know. I don't mean to be. But I just type everything as it is, uncensored in my head. I presume you know a little of my history and I do have a bit of a strange set up...but I swear, ignoring the usual inverse snobbery etc that I always get on my posts, that Mumsnet has been the most amazing discovery for me. It helps me no end.

Very good point Hettie that Fred's mum might be party mum's best bud...perhaps that's why she stayed. I will speak to party mum and use pretty much that exact line you cite.

Wouldn't mention that should say

Personally I wouldn't give a shit whose friend Fred's mum is. I have very low tolerance level when it comes to mothers like Fred's.

I know Canthis and she was such a rude, sanctimonious tit in the manner she spoke to me, I do genuinely believe she will be in the playground on Monday loudly gossiping about how she had to deal with my DS, and quite expect her to make sure people are looking, strut over and say something like "Did you manage to sort his behaviour out?" with a very sarky smile in front of a bigger audience. If she does, I have no shame in ensuring she will end up looking like an idiot. I know it is not the right thing to do. But I know what I am like, especially with someone like this, so it's a little pointless to pretend otherwise.

Never thought about it that way, IsItMe that's very interesting.

If it were me I'd mention to party mum that you'd been told by "another mum" that your DS had behaved badly, and see what she says. I think you've been given a bit of a bad press here because of an unfortunate choice of words and because you mentioned taking your son out of private school - perhaps not necessary to the current issue. My DS never complains if he is the victim - he has SNs - which means that when he was younger, if he defended himself, the tell-tales then have a field day.

You said yourself party mum was nice as were her family. Her son must like your boy otherwise why would he have invited him?

I think it may help you to get some perspective as to what happened. She may not be able to give you to much info as she will have been distracted, but if you mention what Freds mum said and tell her you have been concerned, she should understand you have reason to be.

She will either put your mind at rest or indicate that there were some concerns. Either way you look like you're dealing with it like a grown up and it will help you maybe gain an ally.

Do not criticise Freds mum, we've already established she's not nice and i fear other parents dont want to get sucked into bullshit.

In the long run acknowledgment of any concerns will only help your son in the long run.

My daughter goes to a state school in a less than desirable inner city area. I haven't heard of one single fight or instance of bullying in the 2 and a half years she's been there. None at all. Maybe you should change schools?

what do you actually want to achieve here?

I'd leave party mum well alone. If Fred's mum is a bit of a nightmare, or you have a bit of a reputation, or BOTH your ds and Fred were badly behaved... Party mum is likely to give a bland neutral response and stay the fuck out of it all. In any case - it was a kids' party. Party mum was probably busy, stressed and had lots of things to do. She's not a one woman cctv - why should she be able to give you an accurate blow by blow?

I'd concentrate on dealing with the school and what the hell is going on there. All you've really said is that when other parents have complained about your son (and parents don't tend to do that sort of thing lightly), they are told your son is being picked on. So... what are the school doing about THAT?

Meanwhile, if there is anyone at all at your son's school that he seems to get on with - ask them round, get to know them a bit, and help him build his social network.

Please. Just go into school and ask them what exactly they are doing to help your child integrate.

The whole thing sounds horribly distressing for your poor DS.

And for the love of god, stop FANTASISING about what Fred's mum may or may not do, and what you'll do in response. Especially if you know it won't be the 'right thing" but you'll do it anyway.

Seriously - fantasise about trouble and confrontation and you'll create that situation.