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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone I'm re-gifting their present to me?

81 replies

SocksinBoots · 16/11/2013 04:33

One of my neighbours, who I help with letters and phone calls, brought me in a gift last night. It was a fancy, beaded, embroidered, sleeveless cardigan and she was really excited about giving it to me. I was very grateful, although it's totally not my taste, that she had thought of me as I've always been really happy to help her and her family and didn't expect anything in return.

Problem is she urged me to try it on and I felt I had to to be polite. DP was trying to conceal his amusement but I could tell that I looked ridiculous.

I am feeling a bit shitty about what I ended up saying. I told her that it was so nice that, with her permission, I would like to give it to DM for Christmas and it would really help me out because we are so skint at the moment. It's true that we are skint and it's also true that my mum would like the cardi and it would fit her.

She kept saying that she wasn't offended but I could tell she was. I feel like a shit for hurting her feelings.

WIBU?

OP posts:
themaltesefalcon · 16/11/2013 04:36

Extraordinarily rude.

Poor neighbour.

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 04:51

WOW, you know that was.

squoosh · 16/11/2013 04:52

Yep, you were rude.

We're all given things we don't particularly like and many of us are skint, but that's no excuse for bad manners. When given a gift one should always ooooh and aaaaah and make them think it's one of the best things you've ever received.

What possessed you to say 'Thanks I'm going to give it to someone else, it'll save me buying a present'.

Poor neighbour indeed.

madwomanintheatt1c · 16/11/2013 04:53

Did you mean to be so rude??

bellablot · 16/11/2013 05:16

Ooh big mistake, never tell the person your re-gifting THEIR present, school boy error and yes just a weeeee but rude but hey you don't like it what can you do?

Original poster
SocksinBoots · 16/11/2013 05:26

Oh Christ! I thought I was being diplomatic. I knew I had got it wrong by her reaction though. I will never do anything like this again. I, genuinely, feel terrible (hence being still awake at this time).

[hates self]

OP posts:
Flipflopskid · 16/11/2013 05:38

Jesus!

I'd been sobbing if I was your poor neighbour!

Now, you don't seem to be a big bitch so go round today and apologise and say you felt embarrassed and awkward because you couldn't fit into it.

Then say its such a lovely item it's inspired you to keep it and slim down...

And hope like hell she believes this!

EmmaBemma · 16/11/2013 05:47

The correct response when receiving a gift is always, always, to say "thank you so much! it's [insert compliment here], how lovely/thoughtful'[insert other compliment here] of you". Whether you like it or not. It's called being kind.

I can't believe you'd ever think it appropriate to tell the giver that you're going to pass it on as soon as you can. There is no tactful way to do that!

Housesellerihope · 16/11/2013 05:47

Sobbing?? That's a bit over the top, isn't it? And really not on, flipflop, as socks has already said she "hates self", not nice to try to make her feel worse.

Yes OP you were a bit rude but we all make mistakes and considering how nice you've been to this neighbour I'm sure she'll get over it. You could tell her you're sorry, you feel uncomfortable with the way you look and with her and DH watching you try it on you panicked but you love the cardi or something like that. But stop beating yourself up, we all say the wrong thing occasionally!

EmmaBemma · 16/11/2013 05:49

oh, and BTW: gifting is not a verb! There's already a perfectly good non-poncy one for the purpose: giving.

Original poster
SocksinBoots · 16/11/2013 05:49

Thanks Flipflop that's actually a great idea.

I honestly didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I thought, and I know I was wrong now, that saying it would be perfect for my mum would explain why she never saw me wearing it. My mum is coming here for Christmas and I thought she could put it on and she (neighbour) would feel that she'd done a really nice thing by helping me out financially.

Does it make any difference that neighbour and DM are exactly the same age? Does that explain my thought process a bit?

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 16/11/2013 05:54

"Does that explain my thought process a bit?"

It does, sort of. But still: no. But I see Houseseller's point about not making you feel any worse than you do. It's done now, I think you could smooth it over if you generally get on well.

If it makes you feel any better, my MIL and FIL offered to give us their leather 3 piece-suite that they were replacing, when we were younger and didn't have much furniture. It was still in near-perfect nick and my MIL was clearly hurt when we said "no thanks", especially as my husband made it look like he would have taken it but it was me that refused!

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 06:06

You are not a bad person sockinboots, you wouldn't has asked on here if you were, you'd have gone to bed and not had another thought about it.
You know what you've gotta do.
A fiver says Socksinboots spends the whole of Christmas in a sparkly beaded old lady cardi.

livinginwonderland · 16/11/2013 06:14

Eesh, you need to go and apologise! If you don't like something, at least accept it graciously and say thank you, don't tell the person it's hideous and that you want to give it to someone else!

OrchidLass · 16/11/2013 06:20

I think you should go and see her and casually drop into the conversation that actually you've decided to keep the cardigan as its so nice. Then wear it once a week or something so that she sees you on it. That will be your penance for hurting her feelings. Grin

Flipflopskid · 16/11/2013 06:28

Socks-

I can see follow the logic and non of us were there to see the actual event, but hopefully when the sun comes up you will not feel so bad.

The age difference does explain a lot and you never know, maybe the neighbour was passing/ re gifting to you and the look on her face was embarrassment due to this not due to your refusal to keep it!

Tbh it sounds so i appealing that nobody would want it!
I'm sure one day you'll both be laughing over this.

Flipflopskid · 16/11/2013 06:29

*Appalling

octopusinastringbag · 16/11/2013 06:36

That was very rude, sorry but it just was. You need to apologise to her properly.

nooka · 16/11/2013 06:39

You weren't being unreasonable for not liking the cardi, or for thinking it would be a great gift for your mum, but telling your neighbour there and then that you wanted to give her present away was really quite unkind.

Not quite as bad as my uncle who on being given anything that he didn't consider perfect would ask, there and then for the receipt.

I've been in your position though. My mother bought me a cardigan that was totally not to my taste and I gave it to my big sister (saying don't tell) who promptly told my mother! It was an expensive cardigan of a type that both my mum and my big sister frequently wear and I never do, and I told my mother not to buy it, but I still felt really bad.

Maybe pop around over the weekend with a little gift and apologise making sure that she knows how much you appreciated the gift, even if it wasn't really your style.

LovesBeingHereAgain · 16/11/2013 06:39

Oh dear. Please do go and apologise today.

Zamboni · 16/11/2013 06:40

OP I'd go with the ideas here - go over to see your neighbour , apologise if she was offended and give some plausible explanation - hate being centre of attention / not like way I look etc. anything to try and explain your reaction. If your neighbour is as nice as she seems, she'll buy it. Good luck.

Original poster
SocksinBoots · 16/11/2013 07:05

Judy and Orchid thanks for making me laugh at myself

I can accept that I've been a pratt but living please don't make me out to be a bitch. The cardigan is nice. I was being genuine when I said I wanted to give it to my mum - I wouldn't give her something that I thought was hideous.

I will make amends.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
tracypenisbeaker · 16/11/2013 07:23

I wouldn't say you were a bitch. You made a wee social faux-pas and that happens to the best of us. Brew
As long as you put it right and apologise for hurting her feelings, then YANBU. It is important to be gracious.

On a different note, I don't think adults should be buying/ making clothes for other adults just in case things like this happen- you can never be sure of their taste/ sizing. If you needed a cardigan, you would buy one yourself. It's not really something you would go without, iyswim. But then, I am quite picky with regards to buying clothes for myself, they all have to meet a certain criteria e.g I detest embellishments because if a jewel came off I wouldn't want to wear it anymore.

livinginwonderland · 16/11/2013 08:21

I never said you were a bitch. I just can't understand why you'd tell someone you hated the present they bought you.

Original poster
SocksinBoots · 16/11/2013 08:33

Little I DID NOT say to my neighbour that I hated the present she'd bought me.

I did not describe the cardigan as hideous either.

OP posts:
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