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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell someone I'm re-gifting their present to me?

81 replies

SocksinBoots · 16/11/2013 04:33

One of my neighbours, who I help with letters and phone calls, brought me in a gift last night. It was a fancy, beaded, embroidered, sleeveless cardigan and she was really excited about giving it to me. I was very grateful, although it's totally not my taste, that she had thought of me as I've always been really happy to help her and her family and didn't expect anything in return.

Problem is she urged me to try it on and I felt I had to to be polite. DP was trying to conceal his amusement but I could tell that I looked ridiculous.

I am feeling a bit shitty about what I ended up saying. I told her that it was so nice that, with her permission, I would like to give it to DM for Christmas and it would really help me out because we are so skint at the moment. It's true that we are skint and it's also true that my mum would like the cardi and it would fit her.

She kept saying that she wasn't offended but I could tell she was. I feel like a shit for hurting her feelings.

WIBU?

OP posts:

gemmal88 · 16/11/2013 09:04

Why would you say something like that! Poor woman.

Whatever happened to smiling politely and saying thank you? Say what you like about it behind the door but that was really harsh!

Original poster

SocksinBoots · 16/11/2013 09:37

Of course I said thank you and smiled politely gemma.

I didn't intend to hurt my neighbour.

OP posts:

ZillionChocolate · 16/11/2013 09:48

Aw Socks, you got it wrong but I can see you were well intentioned. My family would be fine with"it's lovely but it's not for me, X'd love it".

I'm not really sure of the best way out of this.

lljkk · 16/11/2013 10:07

I don't think OP WBU really, but it's a cultural norm not to do that, so she got caught out. I would have regifted without telling.

mrsjay · 16/11/2013 10:08

oh dear do you not have a filter or something you just got a gift decided it was horrible and decided to give it to your mother all in space of a few minutes no wonder your neighbour looked sad you hurt her feeling could you not have said thank you waited and give it to your mother next year,

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 16/11/2013 10:21

It's a difficult one really. I suppose I can see why some would think this is ungrateful and it's easy for people to say that to you but it's not them feeling obliged to wear something they do not feel comfortable in, is it. There is no way I'd be wearing a cardigan of that description for anyone, and a sleeveless cardi is a definate no no, and if that makes me ungrateful , well if the cap fits I'll gladly wear it. Nothing against this lady after all she bought you the gift in good faith, there's no argument there.
I have been giggling a bit to myself imagining your D.P's face when you tried the cardi on.
Pass the gift on to your D.M someone might as well use the gift. xxx

CremeEggThief · 16/11/2013 10:37

YABU to have told her this. I'm glad you feel guilty.

Gruntfuttock · 16/11/2013 10:42

Your poor neighbour. That's shocking, it really is.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 16/11/2013 10:53

Yeah, you fucked up OP. Really rude. But you know that- so don't panic, you're not a terrible person. Lots of god suggestions here if ways to explain your behaviour. 'Thank you so do much, I'm really sorry for my bizarre response, I was stupidly embarrassed at the lovely effort you had put in', 'I'm so sorry- I'm not used to random acts of kindness and I didn't know what to say.' 'I think I articulated myself badly yesterday- the Cardigan is so lovely that I thought my mum would love it, but I've decided to keep it and so sorry for for I reacted.' Just be kind, be frank, say you were an idiot and you didn't mean it. And obviously you will have to keep the cardigan and wear it every time you see her for the rest of your life.

sayithowitis · 16/11/2013 12:12

I don't think you were a bitch, but I do think you hurt your neighbour by saying what you did. Last year I spent a lot of time and effort to send a gift to a family member. She has multiple allergies and other problems that restrict her diet, so I had a hamper made of things I know she can eat and made sure to include some suitable treats. I was very hurt when she thanked me for the hamper and in the very next breath, told me she had given most of the stuff to her neighbour 'to try'. Of course, she could do as she wished, but it would have been clear that a lot of effort had gone into this present for her. This year she's getting a bunch of flowers by post.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/11/2013 13:04

You need to grovel and fast. We teach our children to be grateful and accept gifts politely if not to their taste so adults should certainly know better. Poor women will think twice now about thanking someone by gift.

tracypenisbeaker · 16/11/2013 13:19

I'd hide this thread now if I were you, OP. You know you made a mistake and how to fix it and all you are going to get is the holier-than-thou oh-so-perfects who never put a foot wrong in life coming here to put their two-cents in about how rotten you are and how ashamed you should be. At least you are taking responsibility for your faux-pas and are willing to put it right.

You asked AIBU, 'yes' was the consensus, you said you were going to put it right. It's still not good enough though

Joysmum · 16/11/2013 13:24

Great post tracypenisbeaker

NoseWiperExtraordinaire · 16/11/2013 13:31

This is why if I ever give a gift of clothing or wine etc, I always say that if it's not to their taste, please feel free to gift it on/give to charity. I'd much rather that than think of someone having to graciously accept something I have assumed they would like and cause a dilemma for them about what to do with it.

HyvaPaiva · 16/11/2013 13:33

For the love of god that's rude! Other people have said 'oh well, it's ok, it was just a faux pas'. But it was more than the re-gifting. What bothered me most was this: your DH had to 'conceal his amusement' and could see you looked 'ridiculous'. That's just not nice . It mocks your neighbour's thoughtfulness. It shouldn't have been about the cardigan or how you looked at that very moment, it was about having some decent manners. Poor neighbour.

Financeprincess · 16/11/2013 13:39

Oh, your poor neighbour!

TwoStepsBeyond · 16/11/2013 13:59

I don't think it was that rude, tbh I think that you were quite diplomatic and quick thinking!

Yes, she may have been offended that you weren't keeping it, but you complimented it and explained why you thought it would be ideal for someone else. She would also have felt bad if she'd never seen you wearing it and asked why, or worse, seen your DM turning up to visit you wearing it.

Don't feel awful, it sounds like a very 'personal' gift to give to someone whose tastes you're not that familiar with and at least now you know you won't get a matching pair of trousers next year. If you say you're going to slim down to make sure you can wear it you're opening up the possibility of getting another one next year, which would be an awful waste of money and effort for her.

Branleuse · 16/11/2013 14:11

ahhh foot in mouth. Big apologies and a bunch of flowers. Tell her that youre terrible with putting your foot in it and youve been in trouble for that before, but you really dont mean any harm and that youre really touched that she thought of you

Dominodonkey · 16/11/2013 14:26

Threads like this are why I find mumsnet confusing.

The OP was very appreciative of the gift and said that her mother would love it. Not ideal, and I can see why some people are saying it was a bit rude.

On other threads people sell things they have been given to help out or as gifts, steal money their babies have been given for appliances and clothes for themselves and it's all ' your present, your choice', 'no gift giver has the right to dictate.'

So basically it's all about appearances and being two faced on here.....

50shadesofmeh · 16/11/2013 14:31

Really bloody rude , why didn't you just smile and say thank you d then give it to your mum without telling her. Otherwise give it back to your neighbour.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 16/11/2013 14:44

Domino it's not about being two-faced! Being polite and being two-faced are not the same thing. No one has said she shouldn't re-gift, they've said she shouldn't have told the giver that that was her plan. Which the OP herself seems to agree with and clearly isn't a horrible person for it! So I'm not sure where your accusation of hypocrisy comes from to be honest. It is not two-faced to tell someone you love the gift they bought you even if you don't- it's kind.

Original poster

SocksinBoots · 17/11/2013 05:54

Hyva fair enough. My comments weren't very nice but I didn't intend to mock my neighbour's thoughtfulness. I intended to explain, on an anonymous internet forum, why I didn't like the cardigan and wouldn't be wearing it.

The cardigan isn't awful or hideous, it's just not appropriate for a woman in her 30s'. It's the sort of thing that an older woman might consider to be a bit jazzy and risqué and they'd keep it for special occasions. It would be totally suitable for that. It's not suitable for me in the same way that a baseball cap/hot pants/skinny jeans wouldn't be suitable for her (or me actually).

I didn't mean to be horrible and had I known how ungrateful and nasty I was coming across I would have preferred to wear it and have everyone snigger at me. In fact I will wear it. The next time I go out somewhere nice I will put it on, knock at my neighbours, twirl around and tell her that I can't give it to my mum now as it's perfect and say how grateful I am that she saved the day as I had nothing else suitable to wear. Then I will get in the car and take it off when I get round the corner. When I see her after that I will say that I'm putting it away for special occasions.

I think that will make things all right again.

Thanks for the supportive comments on here. I've been on MN long enough to know how robust you have to be for AIBU so I was prepared for the backlash and I pretty much knew what the responses would be like.

OP posts:

D011Y · 17/11/2013 06:05

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Original poster

SocksinBoots · 17/11/2013 07:16

No, I don't get it actually. Or more specifically I don't get your post D0 and I'm not going to take your advice.

Over the past year I have done countless things for them. I help them because they ask politely and say thank you, but there have been times when I've felt really burdened by it. So if you're right and they have the measure of me now I'm quite prepared to accept that. I'm sure there are loads of people who would be prepared to take my place as letter reader, phone call maker, shopper, listener, tidy-upper. There have been times that I've been back and forward like a bloody yo-yo and haven't been able to go anywhere because they are waiting in for a nurse or the boiler man and they can't cope on their own.

When my nan was dying in the summer I used to stay over night twice a week to give my mum a break as she needed round the clock care. I would get back in time for DS's home time and they would be out there waiting for me. They knew I'd been up all night but still had a list of things they needed doing. The day after the funeral I just wanted to stay in bed and I ignored the buzzer, guessing it was them. Do you know what they did? They banged on my bedroom window! I assumed it was an emergency but it was just another phone call that needed doing.

So if they now have the measure of me I'm quite prepared to give up my position with them. I am going to try to redeem myself but if you're right and nothing will ever make amends because I'm generally an awful person then maybe it's for the best.

OP posts:

D011Y · 17/11/2013 07:23

This reply has been deleted

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