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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to learn to drive?

94 replies

textbook · 15/11/2013 19:21

I'm totally sick of having this argument - sorry for length but don't want to drip feed. I learnt to drive fairly late (24) when dd1 was a baby as it was getting really difficult to do shopping/days out etc. DP had driving lessons when he was younger, but I suspect he found it hard and gave up.

Since I passed my test I have obviously done all the family driving - weekly shops, airport runs, down to Cornwall etc. I also take dd1 to all her after school activities (4 times a week) and to all parties/days out etc.

Anyway, I'm feeling increasingly resentful that I always have to drive - it's just assumed that I will act like an unpaid taxi. He has promised at various points in the last 5yrs that he will take lessons, but nothing ever happens. I've even offered to pay half the money for them (I earn a bit more than he does) but he still refuses, claiming it's too expensive.

I had to drive up until the day before I had dd2 even though I was huge and had terrible spd, because otherwise dd1 would have been stuck in the house. I've also been told I'm driving us to see his dad tomorrow who is visiting from Scotland - that way he can drink and I can provide childcare and the taxi service Sad

AIBU to keep pushing him about this? He says I'm "always banging on" about it, but it is a genuine irritation which will keep happening while he's not pulling his weight.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 15/11/2013 19:24

Yanbu. If there was an emergency and he needs to drive you and dd somewhere ASAP what would he do?

Handbagsonnhold · 15/11/2013 19:25

Yanbu

teacher123 · 15/11/2013 19:27

YANBU. It would absolutely do my head in to do all the driving all the time (and I don't drink so it's not being designated driver that I mind).

WhoNickedMyName · 15/11/2013 19:30

When you're told you're driving him somewhere, like to see his dad, you need to start saying "sorry, I can't, I've got other plans".

Why would he bother learning to drive while you make it so convenient for him not to?

FreyaFridays · 15/11/2013 19:30

YANBU. My partner started learning just over a year ago, he was 27 at the time, so another late learner. He just hadn't needed it before now. After he passed, I started learning aged 23. I really, really didn't want to, as I'd tried three times when I was younger and always found it both difficult and terrifying, but I made myself start lessons as I knew that otherwise it would be a very unfair balance in our household. Anyway, turns out I love driving now! I passed within four months of starting lessons, so I guess that proves that it's sometimes better to wait until you're definitely ready, and not just turning 17- much cheaper for lessons that way!

So glad I've done it now. I love the independence of it so much, and since my job has moved further away, it's made commuting in Cornwall much easier.

fairylightsintheautumn · 15/11/2013 19:32

absolutely YANBU. My DP didn't drive when we met and had arranged his life so he could use public transport but when we moved in together inevitably we (I) would drive places so he decided off his own bat to learn and took to it really well. Another friend of mine just learnt recently when his wife was pregnant.He needs to grow the fuck up actually - it really makes me cross - and under no circumstances drive him anywhere just for him to have jolly when there is nothing in it for you!

DragonMamma · 15/11/2013 19:33

YANBU

I find men who need lifts everywhere so very unattractive and highly annoying. Best thing I ever did was marry a man who can drive and we take it in turns to drive from the pub, on holiday etc.

Anchoress · 15/11/2013 19:34

YANBU. I am considerably older than your DP and have an enormous fear of driving, which it was never an issue as we lived in central London and were carless, though my DP had a licence. Now we live in the country and have a car and a small child, I have started lessons. I cannot begin to convey to you how frightening and difficult I find it - I dread every lesson to the point of being sick - but, purely from a safety point of view, I need to be able to do it now. My wishes don't come into it.

Is he being lazy and enjoying being the designated non-driver on drinking occasions, or might (being charitable) he be frightened like me?

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2013 19:36

Yanbu. If there was an emergency and he needs to drive you and dd somewhere ASAP what would he do?

Call a taxi, like people who don't own cars do?

Xfirefly · 15/11/2013 19:36

I was a late driver too ( learnt at 21, 24 now) . my oh had to do all the driving and I was becoming a bit of a burden. we wouldn't have been able to move in together unless I learnt to drive and OH nagged and gave me a very big kick up the bum. it was the best thing I did.

is he very nervous of driving ? that was my reason for leaving it late. or has he just become too comfortable and maybe lazy?

YANBU. I could see how annoyed my oh used to be..and this was before we had kids.

Original poster
textbook · 15/11/2013 19:39

WhoNicked I know, I know! He has it far too easy and has no impetus to change.

But... it's the first time his dad will meet dd2, and it seems unnecessarily mean to make him get 2 buses while I drive down separately. Perhaps I should become suddenly "ill" tomorrow and be unable to go - then he can manage both girls and the buses himself Grin

OP posts:
Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/11/2013 19:40

Sounds like a plan.

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2013 19:42

What's wrong with all of you going on the bus?

I understand people in remote areas having to rely heavily on cars, but if you have public transport I really don't understand the big deal in using it.

Can you tell that neither I or my DH own a car? Grin

ChrisTheSheep · 15/11/2013 19:42

YANBU: DH (40) has no licence, and has basically put off learning for as long as I've known him. Baby number two being on the way hasn't made an impact. Honestly, I think he has left it so later that he'll never do it. I try not to nag, but I do really resent it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 15/11/2013 19:43

Could be worse - you could have a DH like mine Grin

DH passed his test after a few four attempts . I passed first time (not that I'm bragging, I did mine before traffic was invented)

But he drove once after passing and never again , though he is insured on our car.
TBH it doesn't really affect our day-to-day life. OK I do all the dropping off, picking up and shopping. But trust me, DH is so unhappy behind the wheel , you don't want him sharing the road with you.

The only time I've ever thought "Why don't you drive" was a couple of years back on New Years Eve.
DH took the DC home by bus and were indoors with the kettle on before I'd managed to get the car moved out of the parking space in the car-park from Hell that was gridlocked.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/11/2013 19:44

Tell him you've got something to do and you'll meet him there later.

Let him get 2 buses with the children, it won't kill him.

Or are you just wanting to have a vent but not actually do anything about it.

Original poster
textbook · 15/11/2013 19:45

He will not admit to being nervous, but I'm guessing that's part of it. I think he's also afraid of failure - he has made some interesting career moves in the past (ie demoting himself) due to massive self-doubt. I try to bolster his confidence wherever possible, but I really feel with this he needs to face his fear like other posters have said.

Finances are another issue - money is tight, but I would be willing to cut back elsewhere to afford this. Also, he won't have to buy his own car (and doesn't currently contribute towards mine in any way), just be able to drive mine when necessary. I would still pay all the insurance/tax/MOT etc, just ask him to pay the extra to be on the insurance as a named driver.

OP posts:
Original poster
textbook · 15/11/2013 19:50

Worra I spent loads of time and money learning to drive and running a car so I didn't have to get the bus anymore! They are horribly overpriced and terminally late where we live Smile

WhoKnicked I do genuinely want to do something about it, but I'm not sure making up some shady reason to go out will work - he will just say he can wait until I get back!

OP posts:
teacher123 · 15/11/2013 19:52

I was very lucky in that I passed my test at 17 and my parents paid for my lessons, it is prohibitively expensive now. I am saving up already now for DS to have driving lessons (he's 18mo!) because it made such a difference to me. When I graduated I got a job straight away that required a car, it would have been such an arse not to be able to drive.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/11/2013 19:52

If that's his attitude then it sounds like he's far too dependent on you. You've already got two children to look after, you don't want a third!

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2013 19:56

I think I agree with Worra. Why do you have to drive so much? Are you really driving DP so much? Looking at your list --

weekly shopping -- do it online instead
airport runs, driving to Cornwall -- how often does this happen?
DD activities -- well that's for DD really, not your DP. Could he pick her up by bus?
Driving at 40 weeks with SPD -- sorry but that's just mad unless it's an emergency. Surely your DP could have taken DD out of the house on foot?

I can see why you're annoyed but I think rather than insisting he drive, just insist he does an equal share. So yes, two buses to go see his dad on his own.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 15/11/2013 19:58

My OH doesnt drive. Neither of his parents do and only 1 out of 5 siblings do.
They relied on buses so he never needed to drive.
Whereas I started learning before my 17th birthday and couldnt wait to get on the road.
He does ask for lifts here and there, if I want to take him I will but if I dont I wont. He bikes to work and uses the bus on his days off.
We cant afford for him yo learn to drive let alone run two cars.
Simply tell him you're not his personal taxi service.

CynicalandSmug · 15/11/2013 20:04

YABU, I don't drive, hate it, hate being in a car. I prefer city living and all the comfort and ease it brings. I find my car driving friends to be quite lazy. I also prefer, if I have to get in a car, to use a taxi as they seem safer than my mates! Get out and walk, use a train/tube/bus. No parking/congestion/insurance/petrol charges. More to spend on wine!

Shallistopnow · 15/11/2013 20:07

My 'dear' partner is exactly the fucking same, the useless twat. When we have a day out, its me who gets up with DD, packs lunch/drinks/stuff and then does all the bloody driving. And what does he do? Fall asleep on the way home!
I drove myself home from hospital after birth of DD too.

Original poster
textbook · 15/11/2013 20:09

dreaming fair enough, some of those things are infrequent - but I've driven to & from the airport (usually at 3am) every year since 2009, the activities for dd1 I see as family things so we should do more equally, Cornwall was a long drive (plus I had to drive every day there as well to get to beaches/activities). I do all the driving on the weekend if we go out - just to the corner shop or on day trips etc. It gets pretty relentless after 5 years.

We now do online shopping as I had a c section with dd2 7 weeks ago so couldn't drive for a few weeks. I had to pay for the delivery pass though!

I think I'm going to have to start refusing to do everything - not looking forward to the row though Sad

OP posts: