To want DP to learn to drive?

[textbook]

I'm totally sick of having this argument - sorry for length but don't want to drip feed. I learnt to drive fairly late (24) when dd1 was a baby as it was getting really difficult to do shopping/days out etc. DP had driving lessons when he was younger, but I suspect he found it hard and gave up.

Since I passed my test I have obviously done all the family driving - weekly shops, airport runs, down to Cornwall etc. I also take dd1 to all her after school activities (4 times a week) and to all parties/days out etc.

Anyway, I'm feeling increasingly resentful that I always have to drive - it's just assumed that I will act like an unpaid taxi. He has promised at various points in the last 5yrs that he will take lessons, but nothing ever happens. I've even offered to pay half the money for them (I earn a bit more than he does) but he still refuses, claiming it's too expensive.

I had to drive up until the day before I had dd2 even though I was huge and had terrible spd, because otherwise dd1 would have been stuck in the house. I've also been told I'm driving us to see his dad tomorrow who is visiting from Scotland - that way he can drink and I can provide childcare and the taxi service

AIBU to keep pushing him about this? He says I'm "always banging on" about it, but it is a genuine irritation which will keep happening while he's not pulling his weight.

I actually think you're being quite harsh on him. You're right in refusing lifts etc, but if he's really not a driver (and some people aren't) then he shouldn't be forced to do it. A relative of mine was pressured to learn for similar reasons and hated and continues to hate every minute of being behind the wheel. She is consequently not the best driver and I wouldn't (for eg) allow my DCs in a car she was driving.

Refuse lifts: yes, push DH to drive: no.

Hey, Sam! I failed four tests aged 17/18 and then was too poor/fearful and downright embarrassed to try again till I was pregnant with DC2. Didn't have time to do the theory then the pratical then (rules had changed since first time round) but passed 34 pg with DC3 aged almost 33. I do love driving (and seem to be okay at it) but 4DCs, the school run and a husband working away in the week made it almost imperative. We lived in cities when childless, so there weren't many occasions me driving would have made a difference but it is so convenient to be able to do it now!

Tidy, unless they live in a v urban area with fab public transport, what real choice with dc? Nightmare then not to have both driving. Agree in cities not necessary, tho still v handy. I speak as someone who only passed in their late 20s!

Tidy I'm not pushing him to drive, just asking him to give it a go! I couldn't force him behind the wheel if I tried, and certainly wouldn't want him driving unsafely with the dd's in the car.

I actually said today that i would rather he tell me now that he will never learn and has no interest than waste time and money arguing and having lessons. Thing is, he insists he does want to do it, then makes all the usual excuses when the time comes to book lessons.

I probably could manage the family on my own - thing is, I do love the stubborn fucker so don't want to end it. I would just like to feel more appreciated I guess. We are just very different people!

There is always a choice. No one should have to drive. I hate the attitude that driving is the be all and end all of everything. Lots of children (those in rural or urban areas) grow up with both parents not driving and they certainly don't suffer for it. If the OP's DH doesn't want to drive, he shouldn't have to. But he does need to accept that doesn't equal the OP being his transport options all the time.

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to do it but feels pushed. Maybe you should try saying to him that you accept it if he doesn't want to learn, but that you won't always be able to drive him.

I can't drive. I simply cannot get through the test. The theory is easy, I have passed it with full marks twice. But the practical I have failed three times now. I feel stupid as I am the first in my family to fail a driving test, the expectation was that I'd just sail through it. Luckily, DH is. About driving and often takes me to things if it is difficult to access. I do things like make phone calls to utility firms and clean the bathroom that he hates though :-)

I will try that Tidy - I'm sick of the arguments anyway so perhaps it's best to just accept it and let it go...

Sounds like a good compromise DrC - well done for trying so hard also, I know driving doesn't come easily to everyone!

I learned to drive at 17, but really can't say that I have ever really taken naturally to it or enjoyed it at all. I actually find it quite stressful, and am particularly reluctant to drive at night. I only drive at all because where we live I need to (buses are not 10 a penny here).

I think TidyDancer's approach sounds about right here. Don't push him. Men often wouldn't admit to being nervous about something like that, and hence the defensiveness.

It is probably a confidence issue. It was my dad who pushed me to learn to drive when I was 17. I hated every minute of it, but it was probably as well that he did it then, because left later and I probably would never have done it.

I personally would have no problem getting buses if they were available, rather than always driving or being a taxi service to other drinkers (which I hate doing).

YANBU to feel aggrieved. I used to get so annoyed with dp every time I drove us home from holiday, knackered, while he pissed about with the stereo. In the end he did learn, late 30s - mainly so he could pull his weight with kids etc. Now he gets really annoyed with me because I never let him drive if we're going out together - turns out I'm a massive control freak. But still useful that he can! Have to confess I just nagged him into submission

Hoof I can totally imagine that happening as I'm a total control freak fairly headstrong. But yes, having the option would be nice!

YANBU.

I don't like driving and drive as little possible. However, sometimes it saves a huge amount of time, money and planning. And it is great in emergencies. Need to go and see a distressed relative at 11pm in the next town? No buses. You'd need to be rolling in it to get a taxi. Need to take injured child to out of hours surgery, or local A & E? Could try and wait and get a very upset 5 year old on the bus at kicking out time. Or could spend a fortune on taxis.

For some people, refusing to even try and learn to drive is about making sure they stay in a state of infancy. It's also a form of control (you have to do all the driving).

I made my reluctant partner learn to drive when my 1st dc was born. I wasn't having my or my children's live compromised by some man-child behaviour. He thought it was 'difficult.’ It is, but I managed it. I expect the same from my partner.

My DP had a car accident (not their fault) when a student and stopped driving for ages after.

I grew up in London; no need to drive.

Then we had our second kid and were "ah right, driving would be good".

DP got back behind the wheel. A non-trivial thing for them to do.

After a year of this I figured I had to learn. London drivers are nobs. but even so, yeah got to play the game. It took me bloody ages because it's all about muscle memory and I was over 40 by this point. We are talking more than 80 hours of tedious, tedious practice.

What does all that mean? Maybe not much. If your DP ain't driving then they need to make it up to you though. If they're using you as a taxi and not acknowledging that you're giving them a favour then... well, they're wrong. Are they compensating in some other way? If not, they should.

If he has driven before, try an intensive course. (I know someone who is an instructor, and has worked for the driving schools that push provide them, and he knows how well they really work or otherwise.)

The way an intensive works is that you have to do theory first; you then have several consecutive days of lessons, a few hours each day, with a test at the end. If it's a long wait until the course begins, some individual lessons beforehand can be useful too. There's usually a single "assessment" lesson before the course starts to determine how many hours he'd need.

In my friend's opinion, intensives are not good for total beginners, but they can be useful for those who have had lessons before, and who want to "have a really good go at cracking it once and for all".

I think men are getting a harder time than the equivalent women would here. There have been lots of learning to drive threads here with MNers of all ages learning - for whatever reason they hadn't done it at 17. It's a bit harsh to say all those people were infantile, controlling, lazy - all things that have been levelled at non-driving men. In fact, ask any of us late learners about our lives pre-driving and they are usually full of loooong walks, lots of buggy pushing, carrying shopping on public transport and lots of self-reliant getting around.

Taking the plunge to learn late is just terrifying. Not just the act of learning, the time and the money involved but the feeling of being judged as inadequate before you even start, the way other drivers treat learners on the road, the jokes and ribbing if you fail a test...nobody bats an eyelid if a 17-year-old fails but as a grown woman (and I would imagine it would be worse for a man) you are setting yourself up for ridicule - or at least it certainly feels like that.

I learnt quite late, can't say i was terrified (well, any more than i had been at 17).

I am not a car fan- hate their mindless use, fast driving and ever fearful of accidents, much more than most. Which is only realistic considering getting in a car is the most dangerous thing most people do on a daily basis. However, i love the independence they bring - could not leave where we live now without one! And with kids? Nightmare without (and i speak as someone who only passed when dc2 was 1). I realise what a pain i must have been all those years relying on friends for lifts. And it's so limiting socially unless you're in the heart of a city and even then. Worse for the kids unless ALL their friends/activities within walking distance.

I second the intensive course idea but after a few basic lessons and of course passing the Theory and hazard awareness. I actually got 100% in both / i realise my many years as front seat passenger had paid off and i had an awareness which a 17 yr old would lack.

Remember also that learning to drive at 17 is not all rosy. As an older learner and driver, you have these advantages:

• Cheap(er) insurance
• More awareness of risk and danger: this is one reason why it's more "scary" to learn when you are older
• Maturity (more useful than you might think)

The days of everyone learning to drive at 17 are long gone (if they ever existed); because of the cost of insurance for teens, many people don't learn until after university, or when they become parents. My instructor friend says that he often has more new parents on his books than 17-year-olds.

I don't drive. I have done four tests though and I find it really really hard I can't drive, I wish I could get the monkey off my back...

But not driving in an urban area doesn't mean you can't share tasks equally. Dh does most pick up and drop off
but he works a mile from home and I work in a different city so this would be the case even if I were driving... yet this week his knee is banjaxed so I am doing it. He had to go to A and E with his knee and had to get taxi but kids were in bed and I would have had to get everyone up to drop him.

Not driving is a pita but in an urban area it's not the end of the world and shouldn't make him dependent on you.

Driving I see what you mean. Although, I think he would get less "ribbing" for having lessons/failing tests than he currently does for letting his Mrs ferry him about I certainly would not dream of taking the piss if he failed - I failed my first test and cried for 2 straight hours after. I would be incredibly proud of him for giving it his best try.

I remember feeling ancient when I started lessons at 23, so it makes sense it becomes more intimidating with age. I don't think he is quite like you though in that he is not independently slogging about with the buggy!

Intensive course a good idea - perhaps I could get friends/family to club together as a Christmas present? He has also this morning suggested that I take him out in my car for some practice to save money - this is a terrible idea and we will end up hating each other, right?!?

Im always surprised when couples with children have separate finances, but perhaps in these circumstances you should start asking him to pay half of all car expenses seeing as he uses it as much as you (but with you behind the wheel).

People often don't decide to change if there is no incentive. At the moment he not only gets ferried around but he gets it for free!

I would also make him do half of the taking the kids the clubs. Why should you do it all?! If that means he has to pay for a taxi or get a bus then so be it.

He's getting all of the benefits of having gone to the trouble and expense of having learnt to drive, buy a car, pay for servicing, car tax and petrol, without ever having done a thing!

I would also make sure that half the time you go out you be the one to drink, so he has to stay sober to look after the children if they are with you, and arrange and pay for transport.

I get that he isn't a confident man, i wasn't confident either, but at the moment he can stay in his non challenging world because you make it easy for him to do so. He has no incentive to give himself a kick up the arse.

That's really interesting MrsDeVere, I'd not thought of it like that before. Although I have to say that unlike your dh I don't shirk other duties because of driving - you're right , it's not coalmining

I do try not to be mean to him about all this, but I'm aware that if I'm pissed off I can get quite snarky. I'll work on being kinder!

Interesting, but how many women on MN constantly say that they don't drive, or that they are frightened of motorways or town driving?
Do you feel they all ought to learn to drive too? That's not just a question for the OP.
I drive, partner doesn't. It doesn't bother me personally.

I think its more than the driving- Ops dh using it as means to avoid childcare, always be the drinker etc.
op, you asked about you teaching him? Well, ime, if you can afford not to then do so! Although it WAS helpful to have dh sitting with me for endless maneuvering practice which would have cost a fortune at an hourly rate!