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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to learn to drive?

94 replies

textbook · 15/11/2013 19:21

I'm totally sick of having this argument - sorry for length but don't want to drip feed. I learnt to drive fairly late (24) when dd1 was a baby as it was getting really difficult to do shopping/days out etc. DP had driving lessons when he was younger, but I suspect he found it hard and gave up.

Since I passed my test I have obviously done all the family driving - weekly shops, airport runs, down to Cornwall etc. I also take dd1 to all her after school activities (4 times a week) and to all parties/days out etc.

Anyway, I'm feeling increasingly resentful that I always have to drive - it's just assumed that I will act like an unpaid taxi. He has promised at various points in the last 5yrs that he will take lessons, but nothing ever happens. I've even offered to pay half the money for them (I earn a bit more than he does) but he still refuses, claiming it's too expensive.

I had to drive up until the day before I had dd2 even though I was huge and had terrible spd, because otherwise dd1 would have been stuck in the house. I've also been told I'm driving us to see his dad tomorrow who is visiting from Scotland - that way he can drink and I can provide childcare and the taxi service

AIBU to keep pushing him about this? He says I'm "always banging on" about it, but it is a genuine irritation which will keep happening while he's not pulling his weight.

OP posts:

Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 20:11

Cynical when I lived in London I didn't see the need to drive and felt exactly like you. If you don't live in a big city, you're fucked if you can't drive (unless you like spending more time getting somewhere than actually being there!)

More money for wine would be nice though - perhaps then I wouldn't care about dp not driving

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pianodoodle · 15/11/2013 20:13

Same situation here DH started learning then stopped when younger.

When I was pregnant with DD1 he vowed to learn. 3 years later I'm pregnant with 2nd child...He's still not driving.

Unfortunately at the minute we don't have the money to spare for lessons etc... I doubt he'd be taking the initiative to learn even if we did though.

I'm not bringing it up any more just now but I will be again in the future!

Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 20:13

ShallIStop I feel your pain. Dp makes me feel like he's done me a massive favour by strapping dd2 into the car seat

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MrsMaryCooper · 15/11/2013 20:15

I was a properly late learner - 40 when I started and 42 when i finally passed- and I was terrifed and really bad at it. My mother was killed in a car accident and driving really gave me the fear. But eventually I managed to pass my automatic test and it is a big help. DH still does all the big trips and anything that might require tricky parking but I do lots of ferrying about and can take a turn on longer journeys.

It is worth it.

Shallistopnow · 15/11/2013 20:17

Its also the same when we go to see his dad - I drive and look after DD while they drink and clear off to smoke outside every half hour.

Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 20:21

ShallI sounds incredibly familiar... Still aghast actually that he let you drive yourself home from the hospital after giving birth. I would have been furious!

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Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 20:23

Wow, well done MrsMary - if you can do it, surely he can...

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KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 15/11/2013 20:26

I think people who take to driving well don't really understand that there are those of us who find it extremely hard. I have a degree from Cambridge, am a qualified barrister, and hold a senior job in a global company. I have done crown court trials and appeared in the court of appeal. I think I can therefore claim to be (a) not stupid and (b) not easily scared, but I did not pass my test until 37, and even now do not like driving by myself. I find it difficult and frightening. Processing all the information from different places is tricky - I like to think about one thing at a time. We all have different brains.

LisaMed · 15/11/2013 20:28

I can't drive, I've never been able to find the money. DH drives. As we can't afford to run two cars, two lots of insurance etc and I'm staring fifty in the face it looks like I never will.

On the other hand, I arrange my life and ds so that DH is not required to be a chauffeur. I actively arrange shopping etc to be delivered, when I couldn't walk yards everything was delivered. I don't remember 'be an unpaid taxi service' in the wedding vows. DH is very good about driving when asked, but I appreciate it and never take it for granted.

I can understand arguments about not having the money, or not having the time. However that also means that you don't do all the running around and that you make him sort out his own travel arrangements as they are not your problem

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2013 20:31

Is this really about the driving, or about your DP's general attitude?

I would try to separate the two. On the driving, try to cut down how much you have to do -- why are you driving to the corner shop? Why take a holiday someplace that you have to drive a long way to get to? Can you move somewhere more transport friendly? That might sound dramatic but it does seem a bit odd to live somewhere without good transport when only one of you drives.

But it sounds like it's more about your DP's general attitude. Is he not pulling his weight generally?

Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 20:32

Hmm... I understand that Karlos but he's not tried to drive since he was 20 - he is now 34. If he tried again, but then said he really hated it and didn't want to do it, I wouldn't force him and would drop the issue. It's that he doesn't deem it important enough to try that bothers me.

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Sallystyle · 15/11/2013 20:38

I just passed my driving test on Monday

At the age of 32. It took 6 months of 3 hours a week and four tests. I didn't find any of it easy. I spent a small fortune.

I just didn't have the confidence until now to do it. Now? it's the best thing I have ever done! Although until 6 months ago we walked everywhere and took public transport, which was fine until I needed a car for a job I wanted.

I don't think YABU. If he doesn't want to learn stop driving him around.

Shallistopnow · 15/11/2013 20:39

Oh Textbook lets be friends so we can console one another!

I was ok to drive as had a good birth & the alternative was my mum driving which would've been too stressful with my precious 2 day old.

I remember about 10 years ago my sis-in-law said "Eww , he doesn't drive? He's not a real man then." which peed me off but now I totally fucking agree.
(had a fight tonight so I'm angry)

Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 20:40

dreaming a bit of both I guess. Was driving to the shop as had spd and couldn't hobble that far - not totally lazy! We can't move as we rent from family and couldn't afford to live in this area in private rental, and want to be in the catchment for the local school. I suppose we holiday further away so it seems like a real break. But with the amount of stuff we need to take, we would need to take the car even if just to somewhere more local, and i would still have to drive while we were there.

Dp is very good with some things (does the school run every morning as I start work at 8am, housework, parenting etc) but is shit with money and very unambitious. I'm the main earner and feel like if I want our family to be better off in the future, it's all on me as he is happy to coast along in low paid jobs, while I work my arse off for promotions etc. I guess I just wish he would be more proactive with certain things...

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Sallystyle · 15/11/2013 20:41

Oh and I petrified driving on my own.

I hope that passes soon. It's so strange to be with an instructor then suddenly you are on your own.

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2013 20:42

My aunt learned to drive at 50. Admittedly on an automatic, but so what? It's a car!

And for those that struggle with the 'multi-tasking' of gear-changing whilst doing everything else, it's the answer to your prayers!

Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 20:45

Congratulations Sam - it's an amazing feeling! I was very nervous when I first started learning, but love driving now (excepting my taxi duty )

Shalli yes let's set up a support group for partners of massive wankers not real men (yes we have had a row today too - can you tell?!?)

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BlueStones · 15/11/2013 20:52

I don't think you are BU to be sick of chauffeuring him around ... but equally I don't think he is BU to refuse to drive; not everyone has the fine motor skills and spatial sense needed to control a potentially lethal machine (I don't, for sure!), and if he did drive he could well put lives at risk.

Having said that he absolutely has to stop treating you like a taxi. Why can't he do what I do, and pay (out of his pocket, not family funds) for real taxis? Yes, it is expensive, but that's the price we non-drivers pay for the choice that we have made.

Bunbaker · 15/11/2013 21:02

My friend's husband doesn't drive and won't learn and she finds it annoying as well. When she went into labour she had to ring her mum to take her to hospital.

When their daughter was little he had an emergency at work and needed to go there late at night to check something. My friend had to get their daughter out of bed and bundle her in the car in order to take her husband to work. It was Christmas and there were no taxis available at that time on a Friday night, and there are no buses between their house and his place of work.

Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 21:03

Blue but surely he should try once more before refusing? There were loads of things I was very bad at when I was 20 that I can now do with no trouble. It's been 14 years since he's been behind the wheel - things could have changed for the better, and as I said before, if he still hated it/couldn't do it after a few lessons then I would accept his refusal with much better grace!

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Salbertina · 15/11/2013 21:05

Yanbu

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2013 21:10

Oh gosh, I can totally understand why you're frustrated then.
Have you ever talked to him about this imbalance you feel? Is his coasting linked to his anxiety? Do you think he would ever consider getting help for the anxiety?

Does he want the same things you want? Or is he happy the way things are?

He really should have done all the shopping when you had spd though.

BlueStones · 15/11/2013 21:14

Fair point textbook; if it's been that long it may be worth him having another go. Give me ten years and I may even risk it myself!

Original poster

textbook · 15/11/2013 21:29

I've tried talking to him but he gets very defensive. He claims he is happy with me being the main earner etc, but he comes from a background where the women all have kids young then become sahm for the foreseeable future, so it's a big difference to how he grew up. I'm a very different kettle of fish to dmil - she thinks I'm mental for doing a degree when dd1 was a baby and then working full time!

I think honestly he is as happy with the way things are as he can be. He would be happier I think if I didn't work and allowed him to be the "man of the house", but I'm definitely not going to do that.

He would never admit to being anxious, and I think would see talking to someone as a weakness he can also be very stubborn, so would immediately take against the idea if I suggested it. Sounds like a real catch, right?!

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kaizen · 15/11/2013 21:41

I think you have bigger problems here than the driving, Textbook. I think he sounds quite controlling - defensive, stubborn, and you seem to worry when you row with him.

On the other hand you sound like you could run family life single-handedly - I'd give that some thought instead of offering to fund his reluctant driving career

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