To want DP to learn to drive?

[textbook]

I'm totally sick of having this argument - sorry for length but don't want to drip feed. I learnt to drive fairly late (24) when dd1 was a baby as it was getting really difficult to do shopping/days out etc. DP had driving lessons when he was younger, but I suspect he found it hard and gave up.

Since I passed my test I have obviously done all the family driving - weekly shops, airport runs, down to Cornwall etc. I also take dd1 to all her after school activities (4 times a week) and to all parties/days out etc.

Anyway, I'm feeling increasingly resentful that I always have to drive - it's just assumed that I will act like an unpaid taxi. He has promised at various points in the last 5yrs that he will take lessons, but nothing ever happens. I've even offered to pay half the money for them (I earn a bit more than he does) but he still refuses, claiming it's too expensive.

I had to drive up until the day before I had dd2 even though I was huge and had terrible spd, because otherwise dd1 would have been stuck in the house. I've also been told I'm driving us to see his dad tomorrow who is visiting from Scotland - that way he can drink and I can provide childcare and the taxi service

AIBU to keep pushing him about this? He says I'm "always banging on" about it, but it is a genuine irritation which will keep happening while he's not pulling his weight.

YANBU. I also learned to drive late (25) - it took me 18 months and 7 tests (!) but I got there in the end. I don't have a car now as we live in the city centre and can't justify the cost but I do think it's an important life skill.

It infuriates me when people say "they don't drive" - I used to think like that, that driving simply wasn't for me, but actually it was because I was too scared to face up to it and really try. Perseverence is everything.

Ahole not sure it's strictly relevant to this, but we have separate finances because he is both terrible with money and incredibly tight-fisted, whereas I keep a close eye on my money and also enjoy spending it

I've asked him to contribute £100 towards the car before - he did once pay towards a big repair bill which he still reminds me of frequently but says he can't afford to help, and perhaps I should get rid of the car if I can't afford it. Nevermind my 25 mile each way daily commute which would double in length on public transport!

If I left him to do activities on public transport he would either not take dd at all, or do something silly like making her walk 25mins home in the dark when she's exhausted after 2.5hrs of gym. He doesn't see this as a problem - he never got taken to activities when he was younger and it didn't do him any harm etc etc

Silver the way I see it is, if anyone (male or female) is reliant on a car but refuses to give driving a go then they are in the wrong. People who happily use public transport/walk everywhere and are self-reliant are totally fine as they are! If you hate doing something, why should someone else have to do it for you?

Think you're right Salbertina, it's not really the driving that's a problem, it's his attitude to being a partner and a parent. I'm not an unpaid taxi to anyone in my family, I'm appreciated and I expect payback in kind.

'People who happily use public transport/walk everywhere and are self-reliant are totally fine as they are'

That's OH and my children, they ask for lifts as a favour but they get to most places under their own steam whatever the weather.

See if that was the case I would be happy Silver; instead I get a massive guilt trip of I ever refuse a lift ("Oh... OK. That's fine. Come on dd1, let's get ALL YOUR RAIN GEAR on, yes it will be COLD AND MISERABLE but mummy is obviously TOO BUSY TO HELP US" etc)

Yup, it's not his lack of skill, it's his attitude that needs a reboot.

Agree totally. This thread is becoming a real eye-opener

YANBU - tell him yo'uve had enough. He needs to start doing half the transport, he can sotr out taxis, buses and trains or learn.

However, you have a car already as a family, if he's added on the insurance as a learner you could promise after the first 1 or 2 professional lessons, you'll go out with him at least every other day so he can gets lots of free practice in (because once he's on the insurance its not going to make much difference cost wise if you practice once or 7 times a week). IME people who only had professional lessons took a lot longer to leatn, because they'd go a week between being in the car, people who had parents or partners who take them out to practice got their confidence up faster and passed quicker.

I had to do 8 tests before I passed. I have never been so bad at anything as driving a car.

And if I hadn't had kids I would never have learned. But I needed to pull my weight in the house, and as the ILs get older that is an issue as well.

Yeah its his whole attitude!

Tight fisted is never good. How dare he constantly remind you of his one time contribution to repairs!

I agree that his not driving would be fine if he was prepared to get cabs/buses occasionally, was prepared to contribute financially, didn't do guilt trips if you ask him to help out.

He's sounding more and more selfish to me. His getting to drink everytime, not bothering to take your daughter to her clubs, the guilt trips if you refuse to be his chauffeur, wanting everything for free etc.

It sounds like he just doesn't take any responsibility for anything, and is happy for you to take it all. Like a child.

Wow, 8 tests MrsMary - that's determination for you! Well done for persevering

I also hadn't thought about the IL issue. We currently live very close to my mum, my nan and my great nan. My mum does a lot of driving to get the two elderly ladies about, but as she gets older herself she will have to slow down - she still works full time in a very highly pressured job. If dp could help with our family more, I could help my mum out with my nans.

His parents both live far away, so we won't have this problem with his family. Therefore, this will always be a non-issue to him as it's my family, not his, that are affected. It pisses my off actually as when dd1 was little my nan used to look after her for us 1/2 days a week to save us money on childcare. He's so bloody ungrateful!

is there a reason he found it hard when he tried before? Whats his coordination like? Spatial awareness?

Good question Bran - he's very good at the bloody xbox, but a terrible dancer! So possible manually dexterous but with flailing limbs - he's very tall and gangly which I suspect doesn't help

He's also excellent at MarioKart on the wii...

I didn't pass until I was 32, it took me 3 attempts.

My DW passed first attempt, but has not really driven since. She hates it. She would be a safe driver, but would be a wreck after every journey.

This has caused some resentment over the years, but I now accept this is how she is, and that I am going to have to do all the driving.

I don't say this as some sort of macho brag, she is an extremely intelligent woman who values her independence, she is just not comfortable driving.

i asked because I am dyspraxic. I thought id never drive, and tried learning in a manual for 3 year and failed 7 times. I eventually tried an automatic and its much much easier.
Its not just gears, clutch control is so specific and doing the hand and feet thingy was just so hard that I found it hard to just concentrate on anything else except that. In an automatic, i can concentrate on the road.

"Silver the way I see it is, if anyone (male or female) is reliant on a car but refuses to give driving a go then they are in the wrong. People who happily use public transport/walk everywhere and are self-reliant are totally fine as they are! If you hate doing something, why should someone else have to do it for you?"

I totally agree.

Unfortunately all the in-laws lives at the back of beyond 150 miles away and we need a car to be able to visit them.

We also live in a rural area with OK-ish transport links to the nearest town, but we probably wouldn't have chosen to live here if neither of us could drive. DD wouldn't have been able to have swimming lessons or go to any birthday parties either.

Also, I am simply not prepared to spend two hours taking public transport to somewhere that takes half an hour by car.

That said, when I lived in south London I didn't drive because I didn't need to, and when I visit family I always go by train as it costs the same as it would in fuel and takes the same amount of time.