to expect my boyfriend to make more of an effort with my kids?

[Vikki88]

My boyfriend has been living with us for 3 months now and generally it's gone well. He's a good guy, he cares about me, he works hard and I'm happy with how things are going.

However, the one thing that is bothering me is his lack of an effort to build any real relationship with my 2 kids. He seems completely disinterested in them at times and I can't help but think he sees them as a chore rather than something to be a part of his life. Don't get me wrong, he helps me out with them & he's never voiced anything negative about them to me (he knows what would happen if he ever did) but he doesn't go that extra mile.

I made a thread earlier about the behavioural problems I'm currently having with my 7 year old, both at home and at school. I'd love it for him to step up and try and play a part and help him as the 'male figure' in his life but it doesn't seem to be happening. I've raised it tentatively with him and he says the right things but rarely, if ever, acts upon them.

I feel like this is something that I shouldn't need to ask him and that he shouldn't need persuading to do - it should be automatic. I know he's not their father but that shouldn't stop him from being a father figure or male influence in their lives. I don't think I'm expecting too much am I?

Think if hes had minimal contact with your kids how can you expect him to suddenly become their new dad?unfair on him and your kids.

"I can understand where everyone is coming from but I do think you're all being quite harsh. She made the wrong decision and I think she realises that now and is trying to work out how to make the best of it. I don't think it's fair to say she was thinking of herself and wasn't putting her children first either. From an outsider perspective it may look that way. But having been a single mum I suspect it's more like naively wanting to give her children (and herself) that 'happy every after'." - WestieMamma You have nailed where I'm at in one. Thank you for not being judgemental.

I already knew that it wasn't going as I'd hoped but I've shed tears tonight at the severity of the 'impartial' view. I'm not at all like how some have portrayed me, being described as selfish where my kids are concerned is one of the most hurtful accusations you could throw at me. It is just not me. I admit that I am human though & can make mistakes in trying to do the right thing.

DoJo Of course it has made me think about it, I was thinking about it anyway with his attitude to my kids which is why I made this thread in the first place. I expected a nudge in the direction of one of the two of us being in the wrong, not the explosion that kicked off.

There seems to be some people who are almost scathing of my desire for my kids to have a permanent father figure in their lives or my thoughts that it would be a positive thing. What is so wrong with wanting that for them? My 3 year old still sees his father, but the fact that my 7 year old has no father in his life breaks my heart & I feel like I've let him down badly. I had a 'normal' strong family unit growing up and it kills me that I've been unable to do the same for my kids. I've failed to provide that for them. That will never stop me from doing my absolute best for them though.

Preciousbane I'm going to private message you if that's ok?

I've decided to not hide this anymore, after people suggested it was me me "running away". I've taken ownership of these issues, I'm not in denial - I never was.

I'm not sure how much this is helping anymore, but thank you for those of you have tried to help - in a strange way, despite the viciousness of some of the replys, it has helped to open up. I will sleep and probably talk to my parents before I make any decisions.

OP I can often be a bit harsh or take posts on first reading, but I do think you've had a bit of a rough ride this evening. To me, what you've said is that a long standing family friend who knows your DCs started a relationship with you six months ago and that you moved in quite quick - as other posters had suggested, maybe in order to hope they (DCs) could benefit from a happy family life with a couple of role models, but that it seems to have been a bit too soon. I totally understand where some PP are coming from having been the kids in this type of situation but also understand that your motivations were good.

So the question then is this - what do you do now? It sounds like it might help if your DBF absented himself for a while to give you an opportunity to reconnect with the DCs alone, and for them to tell you how they feel, safely, knowing that if they aren't okay you won't have him back. Managing this with the DBF is going to be tricky but given your long term friendship with him, hopefully he'll understand. Good luck OP, sounds like a tricky situation.

I don't think that anyone denies that a positive father figure would be a good thing for your children, just that your desire to have that seems to have been so great that it has caused you to underestimate the potential negative impact of bringing someone new into their lives like this. This could either be interpreted as naive optimism or as trying to find an excuse for doing what you wanted to do, but either way the effect is the same and that is that your children are suffering. That is what is provoking the harsh reactions, but it is also producing some helpful advice so I hope you can find a way to make things better for your family.

If he is really a good man as you say he will agree to do what is best for the kids, even if that means moving back out and taking the time to get to know them properly. I think you can judge his character by how he reacts to this situation.

I feel a bit sorry for the OP. Obviously she has made a mistake, but I think she has been naive rather than neglectful. She has been given a very hard time on here, but she hasn't run away from the thread.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a father figure for your children, OP, but I think you're expecting too much too soon from both your partner and your children. I think you should have given it more time before moving him in, as everyone has said. Perhaps you assumed that it would be easy to start playing happy families, but bonds like that don't develop overnight.

I don't think you should feel that you've failed your DS by not providing him with a father figure. Having a stable home life is far more important than having a man around. I know some incredible single parents who are certainly not failing their kids in any shape or form.

Take some time to think through what you want to do next. Talking to your parents is a good idea. You may have to move your bf out for a while in order to focus on your kids and give them time to develop a relationship, but you might find that this is actually a relief to your partner. It might be that heis struggling with all this too. It certainly sounds like your little boy needs you to put his needs first for a while.

Good luck!

"But the fact that my 7 year old has no father in his life breaks my heart & I feel like I've let him down badly. I had a 'normal' strong family unit growing up and it kills me that I've been unable to do the same for my kids. I've failed to provide that for them. "

You don't have to pull another parent out of your arse the be a good parent. Children can have strong family units with one parent.

Bringing what to the children are strangers into the house, so you can play mams and dads, is not strong or stable. It's the type of behavior that can fuck kids right up.

OP, you wanted a father figure for your son. I get that.
It seems though that your desire for this has blinded you to other things. It's almost as if you have gone and bought a father for him from the shops. It's like this is your thinking, a running script in you head " ds hasn't got a dad, that's terrible, I'd better go and find one super quick, oh look here's x, I've known him since I was young, he'll do. Come on x move in and be a dad to my kids, problem solved"

I'm glad your not running away from this thread.
Sometimes MN can be a hard slap in the face, but boy do we need it.
Do what is best or your kids now, move him out and start again.

Good luck to you OP, you'll be alright.

Hello op, I'm going to suggest something that might help. Does your school have any kind of counselling for children where they can talk about things? Forgive me if I've got the timeline wrong but it seems likely that it's linked to his experiences so far.
From your name it seems like you haven't really had any periods of being single so maybe that would be good for you? Just an idea - I found it really helpful to stay a single parent for a while with dd. sounds like you were really young when you had ds so not had a chance to be you.
Anyway, ds gets to four with no dad, introduced to a new man and baby, then at seven another new man - is he worried that another baby might appear? He is worried that this man might go away do he doesn't want to bond? He could talk about this with someone not involved?

My dd hasnt got a father or father figure in her life but i have damn sure not failed her.

She has a happy, loving, stable home with me and thats all she needs.

A father figure doesn't have to live in your home.
A father figure is a male who is a positive role model.
It can be a friend. It can be a family member, cousin, uncle, grandfather etc. It doesn't have to be a father or step father.
Your children already have a father figure, and it isn't this man. It is their grandfather.

Stop trying to rush things. One of the many things I detest my own mother for. Rushing in with her latest boyfriend, who remained strangers to me and who just felt I was an inconvenience and who couldn't be bothered with me. All because I needed a father figure... When what I needed was some alone time with my mum. Some time to bond with any of her partners without him living in the house and invading my home. And some stability. I also do believe that if they hadn't rushed moving in together, the relationship would have lasted longer.

Well done for coming back to the thread OP.

Perhaps you did genuinely think moving in a virtual stranger and expecting him to be a father figure would be good for your children.

No one here thinks or has said that a permanent father figure is a bad thing, or that a desire for one is not good.

But a short-term boyfriend they hardly know is not a father figure. Hoping he will be is putting enormous pressure on the relationship making it less likely to last, meaning it won't be anything resembling "permanent" either.

Hopefully the responses on this thread as well as the reaction of your son will prompt you to rethink this decision.

You should have given them both time to start getting to know each other. You cant expect either of them to jump into a bond and be all father and son with the way you've handled this.

Forcing a man upon a child doesn't make them happy. They won't accept them as this dad figure you're so eager to instil.

And a man doesn't become a father after 3 months.

I think you really take to take a step back and do what's best for your family. But you won't, because I can see from your posts you're ignoring what's being said anyway.

Hi op
I hope you can sort this all out. It is not too late to change things for the better. You need to talk to your dp about how to move forward. I'm sorry to hear that your 7 year old is struggling. Fortunately he does has a loving mother, so look after yourself and put you and your dc as the first priority. If your dp loves you he will be supportive of what you choose to do.

Vikki I saw the beginning of another thread you started where you are asking "How can I get my 7 year old to listen to me?". You say in your first post that your son is becoming uncontrollable at home and school, has no respect for you any longer, does not see you as an authority and is actually throwing things at you.

I am sorry but your son is obviously very angry and he is uncontrollable because he feels out of control or his world is out of control. His anger is clearly aimed at you. Why is he angry with you? To me it sounds like he is angry at all this change and a virtual stranger moving into his home.

You also say that your Dad can control him and is able to reach him emotionally and keep him on an even keel. This says two things to me:

a) it is not about your son, it is the situation. If he can revert back to being balanced and well behaved with your dad, your son is not the problem. His behavior around you and school is a child showing in every way possible that he is very, very unhappy and angry.

b) He already has a positive male role model, your dad.

I understand that in your mind moving your BF in was about creating a family and you thought it was for the best. Please see that it is deeply disturbing your son and he needs to be just with you and your younger child right now. Move your BF out and take it from there, focus on your son and helping him retain his equilibrium again. I have a 7 year old son myself and they are still so young! He is the youngest of three and I realise now how very, very young and immature they still are at this age. As he is your oldest you may be expecting an understanding level and responsibility that he is just not capable of right now. You can be a happy, loving family by yourself with your children. Take it step by step but don't rush them into any intimate relationships or proximity to people they hardly know.

I really hope all goes well for all of you, maybe you could ask your dad for some help settling your son back into life without your BF in your home again.

There seems to be some people who are almost scathing of my desire for my kids to have a permanent father figure in their lives or my thoughts that it would be a positive thing. What is so wrong with wanting that for them?

Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a father figure for your kids or wanting a permanent partner.

Why you felt that this meant moving him in before he had got to know your children, built a really good relationship with them, made sure they got on well, decided between you all what role he would take on, made sure your children were happy, and had got everyone prepared and ready for the change and adjustment, is what i don't understand.

You do see that this is the point people are making don't you? That its fine to all live together, just not so fast and without your children knowing him really well first.

Because what you have written in your last post makes me think that you still don't get it! And if you don't get it then you'll likely make the same mistakes again.

If you get all defensive and make out that everyone is saying you shouldn't have a partner then you won't take in what's being said. You need to take a step back and really read and think and reflect.

Perhaps this is normal in your world and amongst your friends and family? But it has disaster written all over it.

I moved my ex in after a couple of months when the kids were 5 and 3. However we had spent lots of time together with the kids and he and the kids got on very well and as he had two dc who were of a similar age he was quite hands on and the kids all liked each other.

If at any point my two had shown any distress at him moving in he would have been gone pronto

We now have another two of our own and we are seperated for reasons unconnected to the kids but he still treats my eldest dc as his own.

Op you are very naive if you think that a man csn just step into a father role just like that. I feel sorry for your children

"I feel sorry for your children"

Harsh

There's nothing wrong with hoping to find a partner who will be a father figure to your children. Who will view you, him and them as a family unit. Of course that's what you want. You'd have to be a nut to want a bloke in your bed who didn't give a shit about your kids. Obviously you love your children and obviously you want love for yourself and clearly you want that person to be and to want to be a father figure to your children..

It's just not what you've got. Not with this man. And you can't deal with what you wish you had. Only with what you do have.

You've got a man who wants to be with you and is willing to put up with the fact that you have children, as long as he doesn't have to be that bothered with them.

I don't think that's what you want, and it's certainly not what they deserve.

Sad but true that not everyone is cut out to take on a parental role. Some people just for whatever reason can't do that. They should recognise this about themselves and not be in a relationship with someone who has children because it's not fair to anyone.

Oh bless you.
Have a chat with your parents and get their take on the situation.
If I were you, I'd also have a long hard talk to the BF as well.
Tell him what you expect from him, in no uncertain terms.
No hints or maybe's - just plain facts about what you expect.
It does take time to build a blended family.
I really hope it does all work out for you.
Good luck.

Whilst I don't subscribe to the "you must date for 6 months/12 months/ whatever before you even INTRODUCE a boyfriend to your kids" theory (what a load of bollocks, it's not that prescriptive) I do think there shouldn't have been such a rush to move him in.

How old are you both? Looking at your username I assumed maybe you were born in 1988 which makes you 25 (of course I could be wrong). If he's a similar age I think expecting him to step up to the plate as a stepdad of a 7 year old at such a young age is a pretty big expectation.

I understand the desire to have a partner and a father figure for the kids, as a single parent of 3 I really do. But not at the expense of my children's wellbeing and emotional security. Slow down, back off and ask him to move out whilst you take some time to establish a deeper relationship with him AND your children.

I was actually dreading checking this today after getting quite emotional with it all last night but the majority of the messages since are helpful, so thanks to those who were.

HoneyandRum Your message does strike a chord and make me look at everything from your angle. You make sense and I'm afraid that you could be right, but then there is also the possibility of putting 2+2 together and making 5 - making the situation worse unneccesarily. I think I need to have a 1 on 1 chat with my son where he doesn't feel like he can't tell me anything. I don't know why he would feel like that in the first place, but if he does then obviously it needs to be addressed right now.

I know how much it would hurt my bf to get him to leave; I don't want to hurt him if he isn't the problem. But even if he isn't, we need to have a serious talk about things. I know that, and we will. But even as I'm saying that, I'm thinking my kids come first... he'll get over whatever happens, I'll get over whatever happens. We need to talk. You're right.

Ghostsgowoooh Get off your high horse. My children don't need you feeling sorry for them in ANY way.

Sidge You're right, I'm 25 - he's 27. I am thinking that I've misjudged everything, I was already letting myself think like that and now the reaction I've got seems to have confirmed my fears - it's not easy admitting that to yourself. I've made such a mess of everything.