to expect my boyfriend to make more of an effort with my kids?

[Vikki88]

My boyfriend has been living with us for 3 months now and generally it's gone well. He's a good guy, he cares about me, he works hard and I'm happy with how things are going.

However, the one thing that is bothering me is his lack of an effort to build any real relationship with my 2 kids. He seems completely disinterested in them at times and I can't help but think he sees them as a chore rather than something to be a part of his life. Don't get me wrong, he helps me out with them & he's never voiced anything negative about them to me (he knows what would happen if he ever did) but he doesn't go that extra mile.

I made a thread earlier about the behavioural problems I'm currently having with my 7 year old, both at home and at school. I'd love it for him to step up and try and play a part and help him as the 'male figure' in his life but it doesn't seem to be happening. I've raised it tentatively with him and he says the right things but rarely, if ever, acts upon them.

I feel like this is something that I shouldn't need to ask him and that he shouldn't need persuading to do - it should be automatic. I know he's not their father but that shouldn't stop him from being a father figure or male influence in their lives. I don't think I'm expecting too much am I?

[Junebugjr]

You are actually surprised that despite not having built any sort of bond with your children, your boyfriend feel reluctant to play daddy - be a father figure? Of course he doesn't, he barely knows them, and they barely know him.
If they had all gotten to know each other beforehand, and built some sort of bond, this could have gone a lot differently.
I'm concerned you come across as the type of woman, who wants this 'father figure type' for her dc, and moves the Boyf in ASAP. Your oldest has already had one other 'daddy' in his life so far (evidenced by the second dc by a different father), and now you want to ship another one on him. No wonder he's having behavioral difficulties.

Forget about trying to strong arm him into playing daddy, and start providing some stability for your children. How would you like it, if someone moved into your home and you barely knew them, your children are no different. Wanting him to take on a father figure type role, without having a bond, and foisting this upon your children, is so irresponsible I don't have the words, I would go as far as to call it abusive.

You say 'my children come first' blah blah blah. But your actions don't reflect that. Surely you can see that, if you don't, you have bigger problems than this board can advise upon.

[optimusic]

yes hide it. Yes hide from the stark reality.

And how the hell can you discuss moving in a complete stranger with your children?

[NicknameIncomplete]

Optimusic - i imagine the discussion went like this 'this is x and he is now living here'.

The whole situation is crazy.

[SweetSkull]

OP.

He might be a good guy.
But it was too soon I am afraid.
He does not have experience with children.
He doesn't know what is the boundaries and what he should do.
You don't even tell us what you expected him to be doing. Do you tell him? Did you discuss with him before he moved in?

I think yo should find a way to move him out, no hard feelings, and start it all over again as other posters said.

Dating. Days out. Dinners in. Family movie. What...ever.

If your bf and children form a bond and start liking each other and act naturally in the presence of each other than you start thinking about moving together again.

I just think you had this big beautiful dream on your head and now you see things obviously didn't go according to plan.

It is not to late and you can turn things around.

Keep yourself here on MN, post under other names, you will always get good advice here, just brace yourself. Sometimes it comes like a shock but you will ending up realising it is a real eye opener.

[daftgeranium]

Vicki88 I wanted to offer you a supportive post in this situation - given that you are where you are in this situation. yes getting to this point quickly may be less than ideal, but I am sure that you have done it with the best of intentions and I think many of the posts here are less than helpful in offering advice for the next steps. I don't think passing judgement on you will help any, tbh!

I am without children and about to move in with my partner who has a SD half the time living with him. I know the SD and we have our ups and downs, mostly ups, but there is an unwritten thing going on at the moment between us that the relationship between me and her will move to a whole new level when we share a house. We both have trepidations about it but we will both work at it and I hope that it will be a good outcome (I think parts of both of us are also secretly looking forward to it). But: we will not be able to make it work without my partner's active support and involvement. It's new for him as well: but he needs to man up to this, and to his responsibilities.

I think your idea that I feel like this is something that I shouldn't need to ask him and that he shouldn't need persuading to do - it should be automatic... is misguided, and it's causing you trouble here.

There is a lot of learning for you, and your (newish) partner ahead of you if you are to make it work - and work to the benefit of the kids as much as benefit to the both of you. You need to get conscious of each other's perspectives, and quickly, and start talking honestly: swallow pride and think about conscious time to get to know one another, ground rules, positive solutions to difficulties, and giving space for each others' needs. At the moment, it sounds as if you have made assumptions about how he should behave, and assumed that everything would just be OK (I think this is meant to be a fairly common reaction) - but it just doesn't happen like that unfortunately.

I think what a lot of people on here are articulating, albeit unhelpfully, is that it is far better to work these things through before you move in than when you get there - although most people on here are coming only from the perspective of the kids' welfare - while this is essential, it's also really important for the relationship.

so how about the situation from your boyfriend's perspective? (I am far more qualified to talk about this than the kids' perspective) I think a lot of people with kids are so used to their lives with kids that they forget: the perspective of someone without kids is just as valid. Getting together with someone with kids is difficult. Have a look at the Step-parenting board to get an idea. There are many mothers on here who will flame any poster who dares to suggest that step-parents (for want of a better word) have any rights at all: but think about it from his perspective. he is unlikely to see your kids as a bonus to the relationship, he may be scared of relating to them, unsure of what to do, just non-plussed; he may be feeling sidelined in favour of walking evidence from your past relationship. These are all really valid feelings. He needs your active support to build good relationships with the kids here and to make it work. Yes, he needs to be willing to participate as well, but if you haven't even asked him or talked about the kids with him - if you're not working it together - then you're not giving him much of a chance.

To be honest, if my partner expected me to start engaging with his kids and assumed I would be happy taking on more of a parenting role without even discussing what he was asking me to take on or supporting me with it, I would have big alarm bells ringing: not about the kids, but about my partner!!

[minionmadness]

What I'm struggling to comprehend here is why you can't see that people are getting upset with you because it would appear that you have put your needs above those of your children.

Was your dp aware that you needed him to be a father figure to your children?

Why do people think it's ok to just announce to their children that a man they've seen a few time (essentially a stranger to them) is moving into their home. Were they consulted or part of the decision making process?

[Vikki88]

Thank you so much to SweetSkull and daftgeranium for your posts.

What people are basically saying is that I've made another mistake whilst trying to do what I think is the right thing. I'll repeat this - all I want is what's best for my kids. Anything I do, they are the first thing I think about. Anybody suggesting otherwise is so out of order and miles wide of the mark. I admit, I don't always make the right decisions but I'll always do whatever I do for the right reasons. I always want to make things just that little bit better for them, in everything.

I will hide this thread. I know what I'm going to do.

[daftgeranium]

good luck with it! :)

[KerwhizzedMyself]

[pigletmania]

Really as others have said you have rushed into his too quickly. Enjoy dating for a while, and see how it goes, ifte concerns regarding your children are still there, than reasses the situation

[flowery]

It's not out of order to believe you haven't put your children first, because based on what you've posted, that's the only reasonable conclusion to come to. How did you think moving a relative stranger (to them) in would make things better for them?

I know you won't answer and have hidden the thread, I'm just bemused.

[DoJo]

If that is what you want, then why not take the advice of people who seem pretty unanimous that the only way to begin repairing it is to move your boyfriend out? Forget the criticism of what you have done in the past if you don't feel it is fair, and look at the advice for the future which has been pretty unambiguous. Has it made you consider asking him to move out, even temporarily?

[Heartbrokenmum73]

So giving them a new 'daddy' who they don't know is 'making things just that little bit better for them' is it?

Buy them a fucking bike. That will make things a bit better for them.

And, as always, on a thread like this, OP just hears what she wants to hear from the tiny minority that agree with her and everyone else is wrong.

[SweetSkull]

I am sure you did have good intentions Vikki.
Unfortunately sometimes things are a bit more complicated than we would like it to be. Specially when kids are involved.
Take care and hope you manage to sort things out.
I really do hope this is the right guy for you and you will all get through this and be a happy family in the future.
Take care.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Vikki no matter what you say here and what you try to tell yourself you know you didnt move him in for the kids' good. There is no way you can spin that story to make it a decision you made on behalf of the dcs. Drop trying to kid us aswel as yorself

[Topseyt]

You cannot make someone into something they are not, and certainly not in the very short time-frame you have given things.

This man is NOT your children's father, but you seem to believe that he should "automatically" be able to take on the role of father-figure cum step-parent to them. He is giving you very clear signals that he is uncomfortable with your expectations of him. It seems he has little knowledge or experience of children and probably doesn't really want to take on the role you seem to think he should be so delighted with.

Likewise your children, and in particular your 7 year old. I have the definite impression from your posts that they are as uncomfortable and awkward around him as he is around them.

You were hopelessly optimistic with your time-frame.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Six months of dating isnt long enough to be serious enough to introduce children to the man much less move him in! Given your eldest must have seen at least two partners and is now sharing the house with a stranger for all intent and purposes he is likely to be upset with having to share his mum etc.

Not sure on what basis you truly believed this was best for him.

[ChanelTunel]

Vikki,the best thing you can do is move him out. He's out of his depth,and will leave eventually anyway.

[WestieMamma]

I can understand where everyone is coming from but I do think you're all being quite harsh. She made the wrong decision and I think she realises that now and is trying to work out how to make the best of it. I don't think it's fair to say she was thinking of herself and wasn't putting her children first either. From an outsider perspective it may look that way. But having been a single mum I suspect it's more like naively wanting to give her children (and herself) that 'happy every after'.

[Ahole]

Im just wondering, how did you decide that your boyfriend moving in would be best for your children?