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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my boyfriend to make more of an effort with my kids?

170 replies

Vikki88 · 13/11/2013 20:33

My boyfriend has been living with us for 3 months now and generally it's gone well. He's a good guy, he cares about me, he works hard and I'm happy with how things are going.

However, the one thing that is bothering me is his lack of an effort to build any real relationship with my 2 kids. He seems completely disinterested in them at times and I can't help but think he sees them as a chore rather than something to be a part of his life. Don't get me wrong, he helps me out with them & he's never voiced anything negative about them to me (he knows what would happen if he ever did) but he doesn't go that extra mile.

I made a thread earlier about the behavioural problems I'm currently having with my 7 year old, both at home and at school. I'd love it for him to step up and try and play a part and help him as the 'male figure' in his life but it doesn't seem to be happening. I've raised it tentatively with him and he says the right things but rarely, if ever, acts upon them.

I feel like this is something that I shouldn't need to ask him and that he shouldn't need persuading to do - it should be automatic. I know he's not their father but that shouldn't stop him from being a father figure or male influence in their lives. I don't think I'm expecting too much am I?

OP posts:
Heartbrokenmum73 · 13/11/2013 21:35

It is a happy house we have

No, it really isn't because:

behavioural problems I'm currently having with my 7 year old, both at home and at school

Make the link - the rest of us have.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 13/11/2013 21:36

Hissy

Yes, I'm with you because dear Christ...

OrangePixie · 13/11/2013 21:38

I'm sorry that you're taking a pounding OP, you must be feeling pretty awful right now. You've made a bad decision but it can be undone and the damage repaired so focus on doing that.

NicknameIncomplete · 13/11/2013 21:38

Did you discuss your bf moving in with your children beforehand?

I would talk it through with my dd if i ever wanted to have my bf to move in. The reason being that it is her house too & her life that will be affected.

KerwhizzedMyself · 13/11/2013 21:38

Well my 7 year old's behaviour has taken a turn for the worse and I am beginning to think that moving my bf in might be something to do with it - even though he hasn't said so himself. He doesn't like my bf, but he hasn't been OTT about it either.

Missed that bit before. So knowing he didnt like the bf, you still moved him in? After 3 months?

Beavie · 13/11/2013 21:39

I had a male friend who was one of my very best friends in the world for over 5 years. We would have such a laugh together, spend hours chatting on the phone, and I thought we knew each other inside out. One night, we got very drunk and shagged. It was a lightbulb moment...of course this was a blinding idea! We were already so close that a relationship would be easy and we would spend our whole lives together and live happily ever after.

What actually happened was that we both saw sides of each other we really didn't like. We were completely incompatible in a relationship sense. It went horribly wrong and after a year we split up, and haven't been friends since that point.

The point I'm trying to make is that it's irrelevant how long you knew him beefed you got together. The way people are in relationships is different to the way they are as friends. And 3 months was very fast to move a virtual stranger to your kids in. Personally, I would move him out, though I realise that will be difficult to do. If you don't do that, then I think you just have to let him build up a relationship slowly with your dc. If he doesn't have kids it will all seem very foreign to him. He probably doesn't know where to start and you need to take the impetus of arranging days out together etc where hopefully they can start bonding. I would seriously think about unmoving him in though.

Original poster
Vikki88 · 13/11/2013 21:40

Is there a way I can delete this? I don't need to read any more messages.

Hissy Read all of my posts - I have known him from as long back as school, he does not have a violent bone in his body - in fact, he's massively the opposite which is part of the reason I'm so gutted it isn't working out as well as I'd hoped. I would NEVER EVER allow my kids to be in contact with someone I wasn't 1000000000000000000% sure of their character.

OP posts:
Beavie · 13/11/2013 21:41
  • beefed??? Before!
Catnap26 · 13/11/2013 21:41

Agree with orangepixie.i also think your are expecting way too much of your bf and children.you need to prioritise ds for now.

Bearbehind · 13/11/2013 21:41

OP, after 2 children under 7 to 2 fathers, can't you see the need to make sure any decision you make is in the best interests of all concerned?

MuffCakes · 13/11/2013 21:41

OP at the bottom under the red share on google button it says hide thread.

intitgrand · 13/11/2013 21:41

Your BF actually has the right idea.It is bad enough for your kids having this strange man move in let alone him trying to play 'daddy' straight away!

Puttheshelvesup · 13/11/2013 21:42

Viki, when my dm moved my future step father in I was seething with jealousy. He was in MY house with MY mum and my siblings seemed to love him. I was devastated. He was a family friend of years but that didn't matter. He had always gone home to his house and left us in ours, happy together. I never once vocalised my feelings. I knew my dm wanted him with us and I didn't feel able to challenge that.

A few years later, after some particularly horrible EA outbursts from step father, my dm said "I will leave him if you all want me to". Of course we wanted him gone, bit we didn't want to risk hurting dm and losing her love. I was 11 by then, dB was 9 and dsis was 6. We absolutely should not have been made responsible for that decision.

You need to be really clear to your ds that your home is a safe space for him to verbalise his feelings and anxieties. He has been made to give up so much, his space, his mums attention etc for someone who gives very little to him. He will be aware of your dp's disinterest in him and it will seem horribly unfair to him.

Beavie · 13/11/2013 21:42

It's not just about whether he would physically hurt your kids, it's about how solid you are as a couple. At this stage it's far too early to know that.

slindile · 13/11/2013 21:42

it's not working. he should move out pronto.

doesn't mean you have to stop seeing him but for the sake of your kids, don't have an adult figure in their lives that couldn't give a shit about them.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 13/11/2013 21:43

Op you can hide the thread and you can hide your head in the sand but you do have real responsibilities to your children and right now you arent acknowledging them or repsonding to your son's calls for help. He needs you to act to help him.

nurseneedshelp · 13/11/2013 21:44

I'm sure this isn't the response/ advice you were expecting off everyone Vikki but I personally don't know anyone that would even think of moving a man in after such a short amount of time.

Despite what you say I don't think you are putting your children first, this man barely knows your kids so how/why are you expecting him to step up to the mark as a father figure?

I didn't even introduce my new partner to my DC until we had been together for a year and he was a work colleague for 12 years.
I needed to make sure he was good enough to be around my children and 2 years on he's amazing with them both.

Have you done this kind of thing before?

My partner is the first man I've ever introduced to my DC and it was a massive step for me!

toffeesponge · 13/11/2013 21:44

He isn't right for you because he doesn't care about your kids.

Original poster
Vikki88 · 13/11/2013 21:44

NicknameIncomplete Of course I discussed it with them. I'm not the idiot parent that I'm being painted as by some here.

KerwhizzedMyself Like I said, it's more the change that he's not liked - not my bf himself. I understand that.

I don't need more messages anyway, I need time to think.

OP posts:
NicknameIncomplete · 13/11/2013 21:44

What are you going to do about the situation?

optimusic · 13/11/2013 21:44

haha, i cannot stop laughing at you saying you put your kids first.

Erm, no, you are putting sex first.

If you truly put your kids first, they would have met him and gained a relationship with him and vice versa.

Instead their 'caring' mum, who 'puts her kids first' has moved in a total stranger.

No wonder he is playing up. Suprised the school havent also told you that there is your connection.

Really cannot get over the mentality of moving strangers in with kids... And please no more of the ooh, I've known him for years, bollocks.

Spaulding · 13/11/2013 21:45

OP, I can understand these replies can be hard to read. You said yourself this wasn't the reaction you were expecting. But family and friends aren't going to tell you how it is because they're not going to want to see you upset. You can't just want the thread deleted because you don't like the responses. Did you really expect everyone here to say, "LTB, you come as a package, he needs to grow up etc". People here are giving you very honest but practical advice. You NEED to move him out. Your child is not going to ask you too. His behaviour is all the kick up the backside you need to see this wasn't the right decision. You need to fix the situation OP. Don't be disheartened by the replies. Take on board what we're saying.

KerwhizzedMyself · 13/11/2013 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 13/11/2013 21:46

I'm not the idiot parent that I'm being painted as by some here.

Going to be harsh and say you're painting yourself as an idiot parent. Why aren't you taking on board what everyone is saying? Why aren't you listening?

If you care about your children as much as you say you do, you need to act now and think later.

Get.him.out.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 13/11/2013 21:47

Vikki my Mother moved us in very quickly with someone she had known from school, she was 1000000000000000% sure of him, he was never violent to her, he spent my childhood abusing me, she spent my childhood ignoring my behavioural problems and dismissing them. We no longer speak.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is doing this, but you haven't given the relationship enough time. 24 weeks is nothing at all, and 12 weeks for you to read any signs of how he is with your children is nothing. And having him move in right away isn't giving your children enough time to express any concerns they may have because he is always there.

What's the hurry?

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