to expect my boyfriend to make more of an effort with my kids?

[Vikki88]

My boyfriend has been living with us for 3 months now and generally it's gone well. He's a good guy, he cares about me, he works hard and I'm happy with how things are going.

However, the one thing that is bothering me is his lack of an effort to build any real relationship with my 2 kids. He seems completely disinterested in them at times and I can't help but think he sees them as a chore rather than something to be a part of his life. Don't get me wrong, he helps me out with them & he's never voiced anything negative about them to me (he knows what would happen if he ever did) but he doesn't go that extra mile.

I made a thread earlier about the behavioural problems I'm currently having with my 7 year old, both at home and at school. I'd love it for him to step up and try and play a part and help him as the 'male figure' in his life but it doesn't seem to be happening. I've raised it tentatively with him and he says the right things but rarely, if ever, acts upon them.

I feel like this is something that I shouldn't need to ask him and that he shouldn't need persuading to do - it should be automatic. I know he's not their father but that shouldn't stop him from being a father figure or male influence in their lives. I don't think I'm expecting too much am I?

[toffeesponge]

It is totally irrelevant how long you have known him for when your children have only known him for a few weeks and suddenly he is living with them in their house.

You have done this all wrong.

You should have discussed with what you wanted from him in regards to the children before he moved in and if he couldn't do that, he doesn't move in. You should have also made it clear that if he did think he could do it and moved in but couldn't do what he agreed, he was out.

Your child is trying to tell you he is not happy. Are you listening?

[flowery]

Either you moved him in after three months and he had minimal relationship with the kids or not. If those are the facts there's no better way of describing it.

If you are putting your kids first, you wouldn't move in a man they barely know, you'd take things slowly and make sure they get t know him and trust him and have a good relationship with him first.

Perhaps people you talk to in RL are being tactful if they are not saying what people on here are, but if the facts you give are accurate I find it pretty horrifying tbh.

[Heartbrokenmum73]

You are expecting your 7 year old to tell you that he wants your boyfriend to move out? Really? You think a 7 year old is going to figure that out on his own?

You have made a monumental mistake (as everyone here has told you) and you need to admit that to yourself, move your boyfriend out and work on your relationship with your son for awhile - he probably feels extremely upset and confused right now.

I would also like to know why your ds doesn't like your boyfriend - you've been asked previously, but haven't answered.

[Handbagsonnhold]

Your dc barely know him....he barely knows them really does he....forcing any sort of interaction could potentially be damaging to them and maybe he doesn't even want to be a 'father figure' to them....did you discuss this kind of thing prior to you living as a family?....

[Spaulding]

OP, you don't seem to be accepting what everyone is saying. There is no quick fix to get your boyfriend to "step up" and be a "father figure". You're shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. People on this thread are telling you to move him out because that is exactly what you need to do. You can't do anything to make your boyfriend become a father figure because right now he and your children barely know one another. How long you have known him is completely irrelevant to the situation. You've lived together for half of your short relationship and your children did not have much involvement with him before he moved in. It should have been a case of inviting him on trips out with your children so he could get to know them in an informal setting over time, then inviting him round to dinner with you all. Not moving him in THEN expecting him to get to know your children well enough to "step up". The only way to salvage this situation is to ask him to move out (you shouldn't wait for your 7 yr old to ask you!) and build up a relationship with him and your children outside of a living arrangement. And your child's behaviour will improve as well. If you're worried about your relationship not being able to handle going back to not living together anymore, then perhaps this relationship just isn't meant to be.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Op your sons behaviour is telling you he wants boyfiend yo move out. Put your words into action and actually do put your children first.

Did you genuinely move boyfriend in after 3 months of minimal contact for the good of your dcs? That doesnt sound like you were putting them first with that decsiion.

[Nanny0gg]

My kids come first in absolutely everything I do, this is the whole reason I made this thread as I want my bf to step up and show more interest in them than he currently is. I want him to have a relationship with them, and I want them to have a father figure they can look up to. Littlemisssarcastic Even though I said he doesn't like him, what I really meant is he doesn't like the change. And I understand that. If he asked me to move my bf out the house, I'd do it right now.

Your children don't come first or you wouldn't have moved a man they barely know into their home. And it is not your 7 year-old's responsibility to decide whether he stays or goes.

He should have built a relationship with them long before he moved in and the pair of you should have discussed what exactly each of you expected from each other. But it isn't his job to parent however long he's been around.

I think he needs to move back out and you need to take things much, much slower.

[KerwhizzedMyself]

No one in real life will say similar things to people on here if you are surrounded by people who live life the same way you do. If all your friends and family think its normal to move a man in who has a minimal relationship with your children and do similar things themselves, you're unlikely to be told what you need to be.

It's too soon. Your children don't know him and yet they are now living with him. Imagine it from their point of view. Why would you move a man into your house who is disinterested in your children? Poor kids.

[MuffCakes]

Wow I don't think all these harsh responses about a situation that has already happened are that helpful.

OP is there anything your bf likes doing that he could include your 7yr old and make it a special bonding thing between them? I'm thinking football, fishing, karate, swimming, even going to the pub and watching the football to make your ds feel wanted?

[NoAddedSuga]

I was in your childs position when i was 12 years old, with a mother who rushed into relationships, not giving a second thought what the kids thought as apparently 'kids dont rule your life'

Do you want to know the outcome?

I suffered with severe depression, and felt a burden on my mother. At 13 i tried to take my own life. Too many changed as once was happening and i became depressed very quickly.

I also damaged my mums bfs car, my mother caught me, and i remember her dragging me by my hair and banging my head on the brick wall outside our house.

I had no respect for her for a long time after that.

We get on very well now. No way would i do to my daughter what she did to me.

And also just to let you know, some people never bond with their step children, so you may never get the bond and help that you so desperately wish for.

[MuffCakes]

I think it would be worse and less stable to your dc to have him moving in and out all the time, your in it together for the moment.

[SuperStrength]

Is there any chance you can get in contact with your DSs bio father? Maybe your son would like to have a relationship with him? Is that possible? If you need support with your DS, perhaps that would be more appropriate coming from his father rather than your BF?

[toffeesponge]

Okay then MuffCakes. We'll all be quiet and let her mess up her children even more shall we as there is already some upset so why not let there be more .

Taking a 7 year old to the pub to watch football with a basic stranger?

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Muffcakes surely better for the boyf to take an interest in something the 7 year old is interested in rather than the 7 year old having to put the effort into taking up a new hobby to placate mum and new man. The boyf should be the one making the effort. Not the child who has had this man foisted upon him.

[Vikki88]

I have so much to think about. This isn't at all the reaction I was expecting. Anybody who thinks I don't put my kids first is so far wide of the mark, they are my world. It is a happy house we have, despite the dramatic nature of some of the posts I've received. If it wasn't, I would've acted by now.

I've been frustrated/gutted at my bf's lack of desire to do anything beyond the bare minimum with my kids - I thought that was the issue. Maybe I'm expecting too much from him? Maybe I've managed this terribly? I don't know, I'm only trying to do my best as a parent.

[NicknameIncomplete]

A lot of people dont tell their friends/family members how they really feel because they like to keep the peace. People on mumsnet dont have to keep the peace that is why you will get much blunter reactions.

The facts are your dc dont know this man and your 7 yr old is telling you that he doesnt want him there in the only way a 7 yr old can and that is by acting out. Your boyfriend of 6 months needs to move out for the sake of your kids.

[Floggingmolly]

What makes you feel it's "going well"? If he's uninterested in your children, believe me it's not.

[Vikki88]

toffeesponge How dare you say that my children are "messed up".

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Vikki do you genuinely beielve you were putting your dcs first by moving him in? Really?

[KerwhizzedMyself]

You really need to look at this putting your kids first thing. What aspect of moving a man in that they barely know, who is disinterested in them and has a minimal relationship with them is putting your children first?

[toffeesponge]

".... behavioural problems I'm currently having with my 7 year old."

^ That's why.

[flowery]

So when you were decided whether to move in your boyfriend or not, you felt moving him in would be better for your children than not moving him in?

[WorraLiberty]

Christ almighty OP

You may well have known him longer than 6 months before he moved in, but the kids didn't know him at all!

What made you think you had the right move him into your children's home so fast?